Thursday, March 31, 2011


This is American Idol. I heard through the grapevine that Sir Elton would be on the show. I doubt this truth, but here's hoping.

The contestants are here.

I feel like JacobPaul's granny could use some help with making posters for him. Her posters look vaguely like a kindergartener's handiwork.

The contestants have been divided into groups. Why? Lauren and Scotty are going to sing "I Told You So." They are looking lovingly into each other's eyes and singing to each other. It's a little sappy, but really rather pleasant. That harmony at the end was very nice! I love them both. Scotty is very much a one trick pony, but I still love him. And now they go over for their results. Lauren is already crying. They are both safe! Yay!

The Ford Music Video. No, I have not been playing the Ford Music Video Challenge. And I refuse to start now. Apparently Naima has really cold breath. That's what I got from that commercial.

Ryan confirms that Casey will not shave off his whole beard. Thank you, Ryan. I was definitely waiting with bated breath for that. OMGravy, do I really have to listen to James freak out about wrestling again? LET IT GO! Wrestling=fake!

Naima and Jacob are singing together? There's obviously no rhyme or reason to these groupings. Unless we're pairing people that are unable to sing on pitch. This is horrible. Naima is wearing a terrible dress and soulcrusher earrings. They're singing something called "Solid." Also, Naima pulled out her monitor and now it looks like she has a crazy antenna. They literally just gave a fist pump at the end. Jacob makes way too many faces. Stop it! One of them is in the bottom three. It's Naima. I'm now one for one. She almost didn't make it into the Tool Stool. What with her crazy fringey dress and tall shoes.

Fantasia is going to sing "Collard Greens and Cornbread." She is a DIVA! Her hair is very Billie Holiday. Also, she's doing the Ashthon "Hey". No, Fantasia I have never had love like collard greens and cornbread. But thank you for asking. I'm still gonna watch you though because, frankly, I need to hear some real singing. I really dig the "Ooh ooh ooh" part the background singers are doing. I'm gonna bust that out one of these Sundays! For some reason, Fantasia just stopped her song to say "Steven, I love you." And Steven practically melted. Girl can SING! Ryan is either really short or Fantasia is really tall. Fantasia tells the contestants to love music even when it's not peaches and cream. All this talk of food makes me hungry...

Haley, Thia, Pia are going to sing. I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. They're going to sing "Firework." I hate Katy Perry. Not gonna lie, I like this song. Well, the music video anyway. But on the whole, do not enjoy Katy. So far we have 2 poo squats. 2 planes. And Pia is wearing awful pants. They do nothing for her derriere. Sorry. I'd like to point out that Thia did not sing by herself at all. Foreshadowing? What's happening with Jenny from the Block's hair? It's very "lady of the night" tonight. Pia is safe to direct air traffic tomorrow as Paul and I fly to Dallas. Haley is safe because American Idol hates me. And Thia is headed to the Tool Stools. I had Haley in the bottom three over Thia. I've been not so hot with my predictions since we got to the voting portion. I've overestimated the intelligence of the American voters, evidently. I should have known...I mean, 2008 elections? California gubernatorial? Wait, that's my husband's realm.

Oh sad, the Idols had to move out of their mansion because the rain was leaking. How sad.

We're seeing Casey experience the elimination that wasn't and I'm getting weepy. I love him.

Paul, Casey, Stefano, and James are in a band. They are now going to play for us singing "Band on the Run." They do not suck. I'm singing along. Casey makes awesome faces and head movements while playing. That was quite enjoyable! Out of these 4, either Paul McDonald or Stefano Langone are in the bottom 3. Ryan says if Casey knew how many votes he got, he'd be very proud. Operation Save Casey has had a successful first round. James is safe. Shun still on. Stefano or Paul is in the bottom three. I already said that. Paul is in the bottom 3. Dang it. I was 33% accurate this go around.

So out of those three...I predict Naima and Thia go home.

Jamie Foxx and Will.I.Am. are going to sing. They have a whole drum corp on the stage with them. Apparently it's promoting "Rio" as well! I don't prefer to listen to robots sing. There is so much autotune on their vocals I'm dying on the inside. I now have zero desire to see "Rio."

Paul, Thia, and Naima are about to discover their fates. Paul is safe! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! I laugh because I know how upsetting this is for one of you readers. :) Naima and Thia are going home. I'm STOKED to see that Thia is gone. I'm sad that Naima is leaving. I really enjoyed her and felt like she was really unique and a genuine artist.

That's all she wrote.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Operation Save Casey

As noted, last week I declared that I would MAKE Casey Abrams win this competition. I intend to do just that.

We're reliving the drama of it all, hope is renewed, no second chances. And. Away. We. Go.

I'd like to welcome the people from Kriste's work who are reading this blog. I don't know you, but I'm glad you're fans! :)

Oh. Ryan has new hair. Dislike.

It's Elton John night? I'm for it! I mean I know he's a little, uh, unique. But Sir Elton can for SURE rock a song. AmIright, or amIright? Please don't ever compare Elton John to the travesty that is Lady Gaga. K? K. Elton John is one of the musicians that I would love to see perform live before I die.

All of the contestants are gettin' pretty with makeup and new clothes.

Scotty will always be a North Carolina boy. Elton John has a country song? "Country Comfort." I have to admit, I'm gettin' a little tired of Scotty. Jimmy Iovine is my American Idol soulmate. He just referred to a contestant as a one trick pony. I do that all the time! Scotty is playing his geetar. And smirking. He gives a shoutout to his Grandma and it's very cute. Please don't run down and hug her though....Also, he only has one robot monitor in his ear. This song is the same as every other song he's ever sung, even with the really deep low note at the end. Scotty is a one trick pony. But Scotty will stay forever. Steven Tyler: "There's nothing I could say to you that an old-fashioned pair of high heeled cowboy boots wouldn't fix. You did it again for me Scotty." Me: "He's going to squash a bug? He needs to dance a two step? He's rummaging around in Elton's closet? What does that even MEAN?" Jenny from the Block:" As the show goes on you get in your head and you have instincts and never doubt yourself." Me: "Huh?" Randy Yo Dawg: "I don't know if anyone noticed but we were just at Scotty's place bar and restaurant brought to you by American Idol. You have seasoned so much during this show." Me: "He's a steak? I'm very confused by the judges tonight."

Naima is going reggae. Why am I not surprised? She's singing "I'm Still Standing." I'm cautiously excited for this. I like it. I don't recognize "I'm Still Standing" at all. Except the chorus. And I don't see the need for the Bob Marley wannabe accent. But she put her flare on it. And I enjoyed it. I enjoy her. Sorry Gutmans.... Jenny from the Block: "I love you. I believe you are supposed to be still standing. I liked your reggae swag, but I don't know if this song was suited for that. Not all songs can be flipped 180 or 360 or whatever you want to call it." Me: "So, you did well in geometry did you?" Randy Yo Dawg: "I gotta agree with my friend Jennifer here. I love reggae but it kinda came off kinda corny." Me: "I can see what he's saying. There was some corn being distributed." Steven Tyler: "Boom-shaka-laka-laka baby. Good for you for picking a song that fits you." Ryan just called out Randy on his for me for you nonsense. Bwahahaha. She only had one robot monitor.

Paul is up. He used to eat dollar menus. I feel like maybe he should have ordered off of them instead of just eating them. He's going to sing "Rocket Man." Dude, not a song to touch. Just, leave it alone. He should also stop wearing his mariachi costume all the time. I hate this. I finally hate something Paul McDonald is doing. I think his voice is interesting, but he's ruining this song. Like, almost how Adam Lambert eviscerated "Ring of Fire" two seasons ago. I won't let that go, people. This is very boring. Also, he only has one robot monitor. Randy Yo Dawg: "We heard some quiet comfort from Paul. There were some pitchy parts in there. You have more power. Go all the way. We believe." Me: "I don't believe." Steven Tyler: "Did you water your suit? I love your voice. Everyone in the top 12 has made it through. There's going to be something on every album that somebody maybe is not going to like. I like that you miss notes." Me: "So you're bad at math too, Steven." Jenny from the Block: "Push, push, push." Steven now thinks they want Paul McDonald to have a baby and is demonstrating his Lamaze breathing.

Pia loves glam. Pa. Geant. Queen. Oh! Shocking! She's singing a ballad. "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me." A) I love this song. B)Seriously, a ballad. C) Do not screw this up. Jimmy Iovine thinks Randy Jackson is wrong about all the ballads. So far she's directed air traffic 3 times. 4. 5. Her voice is fine. That note was pitchy. 6. 7. 8. 9. Pitchy. 10. 11. 12. She landed an entire fleet of aircraft while singing that song. There were some really sharp moments pitch-wise. Steven Tyler: "You've done it again. Some people may have been wrong when they told you not to sing ballads. Some songs make me cry inside. That's about as good as it gets." Me: "Randy Yo Dawg is not wrong. Also, what's happening with the crazy feedback? Control the sound Boy Kieran." Jenny from the Block: "He's right, the notes take us to an otherworldly place. I felt you more than I have before. You're trying to break the barrier. Next week you're going to pick up your leg and stomp on the floor." Me: "Oh so she's going to tantrum." Randy Yo Dawg: "I said you slay the ballads every time, I'm just trying to switch up gears. The world knows you can sing. Pia was great once again! I heard Whitney, Mariah." Me: "Namedrop 2." Jenny from the Block will not stop talking. She's interrupted everyone tonight! It's crazy. Ryan Seacrest is trying to mediate the argument between Randy Yo Dawg and Steven Tyler and Jenny won't shut her trap.

Stefano is singing "Tiny Dancer." Jimmy cracks the whip with these kids! One robot monitor. This feels awkward. He's ahead of the beat during the chorus. It's freaking me out. Jenny from the Block: "You took our notes you're connecting with the audience that's what matters." Me: "That, and singing well." Randy Yo Dawg: "What I loved about this performance is that you started connecting with the audience. I like that you were moving around. When you hit the high notes you were right on." Me: "Pitch wise yes, rhythmically not so much. Steven Tyler: "You have a sweet thing to your voice, I think your voice is a little Broadway. You nailed it." Me: "Huh."

Lauren Alaina thinks everything is "fayncy." She's singing "Candle in the Wind." Isn't this the Princess Di song? She's wearing her fringe boots in her rehearsal. Those can go back in the closet with the mariachi suit. She ripped out her robot monitor. Huh. Oh and she's staying on pitch. Lauren is fantastic tonight. She's beautiful and is killing this song. This is why I said she would win from the beginning. She needs to sing this well every week. That was gorgeous. Randy Yo Dawg: " Elton John is one of the greatest songwriters ever, that's one of the greatest songs ever written, and that was the best Lauren Alaina performance ever." Me: "Yup." Steven Tyler: "Lauren Alaina, I loved you from the moment you laid eyes on me. We knew what you were all about from the first night we heard her. You keep singing like that and you'll be able to afford the rest of that dress." Me: "Oh I love Steven Tyler." Jenny from the Block: "Amazing, beautiful." Ryan asks her how it felt to sing a ballad. She turns around and points at James. She's happy. Jennifer Lopez is amazing. Steven Tyler is right on. And Randy. Is she intoxicated? She really should not be allowed to talk.

James Durbin loves to wear makeup. Uh-huh. He's still obsessed with Hulk Hogan. He's even still wearing the shirt. He's singing "Saturday Night's Alright." James told Jimmy no. Uh-oh. He's milking the audience. Do not stand on that piano. I hate James Durbin again. The piano is now on fire. I'm not even breathing. I hate this. So many things could go wrong. And he's screaming. James Durbin is dead to me. Shun on. And that note was flat at the end. Unnecessary roughness on the Idol stage. Penalty. Steven Tyler: "You brought the heat. Don't wear out your welcome. You'll end up like me." Jenny from the Block: "I forget this is a competition." Randy Yo Dawg: "You had fun with the burning of the piano and the running around." Me: I hate it. I hate him. Please don't win.

Thia who should have gone home last week. And for SURE should go home this week. She's singing "Daniel." This is boring. Again. She has a very pretty voice. But she's very boring. Jenny from the Block: "Thia Megia! That was beautiful. It was really beautiful. It was a beautiful moment for you." Me: "It will be beautiful if she leaves." Randy Yo Dawg: "It was a very relaxed side of you. There was some pitchy parts. It was still very safe. Interesting night tonight." Steven Tyler: "When you find the right song, a voice appears." I love that Steven is so concise.

Ryan is reminding us for the 1,000,000th time that Casey was saved last week. Casey is going to model. Jimmy made him rewatch his performance last week and told him it was terrible. Casey is singing "Your Song." I love this song so much. So so so so much. much! Casey is trimming his hair and beard. This is awesome. So awesome. Love it. Love him. Glad I voted for him 10 times tonight before I even watched his performance. I literally just gasped and started clapping. I loved it. Randy Yo Dawg: "Yo. Yo. Ok so Casey, Yo. I'm sure that I speak for my fellow judges I think it's one of the greatest saves we've ever had, saving you. Hearing you sing, but not lose all of what you are, was absolutely brilliant. Very nice choice." Steven Tyler: "I have to concur that one of the finest moments on the show was putting you through. The thing about you is that you sing different every time. That shows a true artist." Me: "EXACTLY! See, thank you for not being a one trick pony like Pia, Thia, Scotty, James." Jenny from the Block: "Along the way we've had to make some hard decisions and send some really great people home. I've lost sleep over that. One decision I didn't lose sleep over was saving you." Great people= Chris Medina. Not letting that go either.

JacobPaul. Blerg. The photographer just said Jacob had a bunch of different faces. Bahahahaha! He's singing "Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word." Mary J. Blige was in the room. Jimmy Iovine thinks Jacob can overdramatize. WHAT?! IS HE CRAZY?! JACOB NEVER DOES THAT!!!!! See what I did there? This is already dumb with the steam and the frowning. He has two robot monitors. Just sayin'. He obviously is a crazy. "What do I gotta do to make you love me?" Me: "Stop singing." "What do I gotta do to be heard?" Me: "Open your mouth a little wider, I don't think all the people on the other side of the world can hear your screechtasticness." He was still pitchy even with two robot monitors. DEAD. TO. ME. Ryan promised us a gentler Jacob. I did not see that. Steven Tyler: "Jacob I watch how far out there or in there you get when you sing. The first half blew me away. The second half was equal." Me: "Math was definitely not your strong suit." Jenny from the Block: "Good job Tricky Stewart for the arrangement. Really beautiful. That last note, you don't see that everyday." Me: "Except he attempts to do it all the dingdang time." Randy Yo Dawg: "You know I love you, I thought it was beautiful. The first half was brilliant. You have a racehorse in your tank. Give me one spot to go all the way up." Me: "Ok, apparently something was not said by the judges about the second half of the song. I feel like maybe JacobPaul whines so much about people critiquing his pitch that they are just giving in. Very poor behavior management."

Haley is next. Way to end on a terrible note. She's singing "Bennie and the Jets." Jimmy recorded Elton John once. Wow. Dude is legend. Wait for it. Dary. She's sitting on the piano. That's annoying. I was hoping she'd stay up there so I wouldn't have to see the poo-squattage. She is spastic with her arms. She's extremely annoying. The tone was fine I suppose. And the song was good, only because it's an awesome song. Jenny from the Block: "That was it! Great way to end the show." Randy Yo Dawg: "Best performance of the night so far." Me: Randy has Alzheimer's. He's already forgotten what Lauren and Casey did this evening. Steven Tyler: "You sing sexy." And that's why she's still here. Stupid girls with their stupid pretty hair and stupid long legs.

Pia (sigh)
James (sigh)
JacobPaul (sigh)
Thia (sigh)

Bottom 3: Haley, Naima, Stefano. Going home, Stefano and Naima. Because I'm being punished.

Thursday, March 24, 2011


So let me preface by saying that I know the outcome of the results show and I am none too pleased. That being said...THIS is American Idol.

We're recapping the good, bad, and ugly from last night. All in all, last night's show was a bit lackluster, if I'm being honest. I voted for Casey, Paul, Lauren and I think one other person, but I can't remember who.

Over 30 million votes. Again.

Marc Anthony gave the contestants some assistance with "hearing themselves" on stage. I have two things to say about this. 1) I know how difficult it is to hear yourself on stage while singing in front of large masses of people. I even know how difficult it is to deal with that in a building that is over 80 years old, but that's not the point, I suppose. 2) GET OVER IT. Yeah, it sucks to not hear yourself. But like I said last night, if you can't sing on pitch when you can't hear yourself, you can't sing on pitch. End of story.

Marc Anthony is weird. Weird looking and just weird.

The Top 11 are going to sing "Ain't No Mountain High Enough." And we're starting with the token people of color. Comeon Idol! Lauren looks pretty with her hair up like that. I must say, I enjoy the fact that we are no longer lip synching the group sings. They're not exactly good, but it's better than faking it till they don't make it. Oh, Naima with your crazy dancing. I literally just gasped when Stevie showed up. Apparently so did Steven Tyler. I love Stevie Wonder. So much. Steven Tyler looks like he's having so much fun!!! I love it!!!! Awesome. HEART.

Stevie is callin' out Steven Tyler because it's his birthday. This is like the best thing I've ever seen!!!!!!!!!!! I love it! I love Stevie Wonder AND Steven Tyler.

Ryan keeps saying it's a surprising results show. I'll say.

Music Video. Oh goodness, we're promoting recycling now? Yipes.

Lauren, Pia, Scotty are up. I know one of the three bottom three and that person is not in this group. All three are safe. Ryan just confused everyone in the room by telling them they all needed to pack their bags though. That was classic.

Sugarland! I enjoy them. I have to groove with them. Please hold.

James is into wrestling. And he played with dolls last week. Strange.

HAHA! JacobPaul very effeminately refused to talk about wrestling! That was awesome!

James is apparently obsessed with watching wrestling. This is the first (and only) indicator that I have seen to warrant his previous statement that he has Asperger's. I guess at this point it doesn't really matter. I just prefer people to be accurate when they throw around such diagnoses.

Boy Kieran is dimming the lights. James and Paul are up. Ryan is SHORT! I predict Paul is in the bottom 3. Except I just looked it up and VFTW has him as their favorite. And we all know they tend to be relatively successful with their infiltration techniques. (See Sanjaya). Ryan says it's unbelievable but neither of them are safe. Because Hulk Hogan just came out on stage. James is about to wet his pants. Hulk Hogan tells them they're both safe and then punches Ryan out and rips his shirt.


Paul:"I don't understand. Is he a fan or something?" Apparently he was intently looking at the Drudge Report or College Basketball scores or something more riveting than American Idol. Psh. As if.

I really want to see that movie "Soul Surfer" about the girl who got her arm bitten off by a shark. I know, I'm a sap.

Jacob, Thia, and Stefano are center stage. We all know my prediction is incorrect. But Thia should be in the bottom three. JacobPaul is safe. He is going on tour. Hot Dawg! Thia is in the bottom three. So is Stefano.

Interesting. Ryan calls Naima, Casey, and Haley over and says "Interesting night folks! Make sure you stay with us for the entire show." Thanks for the setup Ryan. Naima is safe. And she is SHOCKED! So am I, frankly. Pleased, but shocked. If there was any justice at all, Haley would be in the bottom three. But alas, she is not. Casey is in the bottom three. And many people are confused. Including me. I mean REALLY America? Really? He has more talent in his curly mop of hair than Haley, Thia, and Scotty combined. He's a true artist and a musician and all you crazy AI voters can do is vote for the one's that look pretty. Ridiculous.

Jennifer Hudson is singing. I honestly don't remember her season. She looks fantastic though. Annnnnd fast forwarding. Sorry Jenn. I need to go to bed.

Thia is safe. Blasphemy.

Stefano and Casey are awaiting their fate. The whole group is in total shock and they cut Stefano's microphone for a couple minutes.

Casey is singing "I Don't Need No Doctor." He's got this. Haley is crying because she knows she should be gone. The judges stopped him 38 beats in (yes, I counted) and told him they'd save him. Steven: "This is crazy wrong, we've made a decision to keep you on." Casey is about to throw up. Literally about to throw up. He has been saved. He didn't expect it because there are 11 people left. I will now be voting only for him. Only Casey. All Casey, all the time, baby! I'm gonna make him win this show if it's the last thing I do. That is all.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Stevie Wonder Night.

Oh no. It's Motown night. This is probably going to be catastrophic for the majority of the contestants. I predict a lot of name-dropping. I also predict that Casey and Stefano will be fantastic.

I love Motown music. Particularly Stevie Wonder. Berry Gordy is a genius, really. Jimmy Iovine: "The artists in Motown, easily some of the best artists in music, ever." Me: No kidding.

Casey Abrams has his hair slicked back. He looks like a troll doll. Or a serial killer. He's going to sing Marvin Gaye "I Heard it Through the Grapevine." Brilliant. There are sultry violinists hanging out by the judges. This is amazing. He sang at a girl who stuck her tongue out at him. I'm assuming they know each other. If not, she should be escorted out by security immediately. Steven Tyler: "You're the perfect entertainer, perfect pitch and perfect mix of crazy-tush out of control ego. That's what makes it great." He didn't say tush, in case you're confused. Jenny from the Block: "There's no one out there like you right now, you can definitely carve out a neech for yourself." Me: What's a neech? Is that like a niche? Randy Yo Dawg: "You're a true original, you take chances, you can only do you and that you is great. Me: You Yo. Turns out, the tongue girl is Casey's friend Becca. So there you go.

Ebenezer Scrooge is in the audience. Apparently he makes guitars for Aerosmith? I'm not clear on this.

Thia had a tough week. So did we, you sang Pocahontas. She's singing "Heatwave" by Martha and the Vandellas. This could be strange. Or amazing. Her voice is so low. I'm pretty sure she just started trying to clap on the wrong beat. Yep. She did. She fails. Jenny from the Block: "We're scratching the surface a little bit. Dig deeper each week." Randy Yo Dawg: "Yo, yo we knew you had it in you, right? It's about taking chances, you didn't sing a really safe ballad, I think Jennifer's right, you can really sing, I'm glad you moved up a notch. Push, push!" Me: "She's having a baby?" Steven: "I'm good with it, yeah." Me: I love Steven Tyler's succinct judging. Much better than Kahra's gobbledygook.

JacobPaul is singing "You're All I Need to Get By." Jimmy Iovine says there's no one more natural to sing Motown than Jacob. That's racist Jimmy. JacobPaul says he sings songs that mean something. He says he's going to relax on the high notes but it's hard when you get out there and you can't hear yourself so you just go for it. Let. It. Go. Sometimes you can't hear yourself. Not an excuse for being tonedeaf. Bob Babbitt is playing guitar with JacobPaul. He's muttering to himself on stage. Creepy. The boy has a robot in his ear so he'd better not use his "I can't hear" excuse this week. This is actually really good. So far. Jenny from the Block tried to sing along and did not know the words. That was hilarious. Ok I have a couple things to say. This is not a facial contortion convention. Jim Carrey has facial contortions on lock, mmkay? Secondly, femininity on a man is not pleasant. And finally, stay away from the unnecessary highness. Steven Tyler couldn't contain himself and ran up on stage, claiming JacobPaul is "Baby Luther." Randy Yo Dawg: "Yo. Yo. Listen here. The great Berry Gordy is somewhere sayin' Oh My Gosh. That was your other great performance on the show." Me: Namedrop count=1 His ONE OTHER good performance. Do you not want someone who has consistently good performances? And not just a one trick pony show? If you can't sing when you can't hear yourself, you can't sing. Got it? Got it. Steven Tyler: "You milked it. It was beautiful." Jenny from the Block: "You made us beg." Me: "Who is this "us?" And, I don't really want any milk right now." JacobPaul just made me lose a bet to Craig Gutman.

Lauren Alaina is singing "You Keep Me Hangin' On." Apparently, Lauren has been made fun of since being on American Idol. Sorry, girl. You're still a fave. This is going to be amazing. Sometimes you just know. I love her dress. It was good. Steven Tyler: "You don't listen to anyone about anything. And I love that about you." Jenny from the Block: "You look amazing tonight. You had so much attitude. That's what it needed." Randy Yo Dawg: "So we saw this young girl in Nashville that blew us away. Last week, that girl returned to compete. She has swagger, she's ready." Me: It was good. I wanted it to be better, but it was good. Vote.

Stefano is up. He's singing "Hello" by Lionel Richie. Y'know, I don't think this is a Motown song. It was pretty, but it was boring. And not Motown. Jenny from the Block: "Fine: check. Sing like crazy: check. You have that. Now, again, we want you to connect. I don't want the intensity to come from you wanting to do well, I want the intensity to come from your heart is breaking. Once you do that, you'll fly out of the building." Randy Yo Dawg: "You can sing. You bit off a big chunk today, but there was no real emotion." Steven Tyler: "You ramped up too soon. Pull back a little bit." Jenny from the Block was interrupting a lot and it was difficult to figure out what people were saying. They have ADD tonight.

Randy just alluded to Ryan and Stefano possibly having a relationship? What?

Haley is singing "You Really Got A Hold on Me." I didn't watch the intro package. Because, frankly, I don't care. I like her hair straight. Poo squat. Twice. Gordon Ramsey is in the audience. He looks less than amused. She just really annoys me. A lot. Her range is really good, but she has a lame attitude. Randy Yo Dawg: "It started a little bit rough, but by the middle of the song the Haley we love came roaring back. I'm happy to see you return to that form, yo. A little Janis Joplin." Namedrop: 2 Steven Tyler: "You sang your heart out. You don't look a day over fabulous." Jenny from the Block: "You can do anything with your voice. You have the most soulful voice of the competition." Me: "Really? I think Casey's pretty soulful. Or even Lauren."

Scotty plays basketball at the mansion. Whatever. He's singing "For Once in My Life." They tried to give it a country vibe. Uhh-oh. The smirk is back. This is a bit endearing, actually. He's so awkward. Like, lovable awkward. Steven Tyler: "That was beautiful. Just like Glenn Campbell. You really ripped it." Me: Steven is namedropping too??? Jenny from the Block: "I didn't know what you were gonna do. If I'm gonna be totally honest, it wasn't your strongest vocal performance, but when you hit that low note on the end, you get me all over again." Randy Yo Dawg: "I agree, not your strongest performance, it needed to peak sooner, but you're a young ladykiller."

Pia is singing "All in Love is Fair" by Stevie Wonder. Never heard of it. Leave Stevie alone, people. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ........
Pia is directing air traffic with her hand movements. Incredibly annoying. That was a huge bore. Jenny from the Block: "You kill us with one of your killer ballads. If I'm gonna give you any constructive criticism, something about Celine Dion, I need you to do more." Me: I need you to do something else. Randy Yo Dawg: "I agree with Jennifer. You keep doing ballads. Come on! We can't live on ballads alone." Steven Tyler: "You are the closest star in this American Idol universe." Me: Really? You guys are sipping some Paula juice this evening.

Paul McDonald is up. He's singing "Tracks of My Tears" by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles. I'm excited for this. I enjoy it. I really enjoy it. Randy Yo Dawg: "I like you're not really dancing around, you played guitar, you have a distinctive voice. I was a little worried, you took it to a Rod Stewart kinda place. Dude, when you sing tender, like it's so cool. " Namedrop: 3. Steven Tyler: "Like Dylan, like Willie Nelson, it's beautiful in that sense." Me: Namedrops????? Jenny from the Block: "You address the crowd. You're a complete package." Me: I agree. I think he's unique and good. His voice is good. Sorry Craig.

Naima is singing "Dancin' in the Street" by Martha and the Vandellas. Wow the bellbottoms!!!!!!!! I'm diggin' this so far. I liked it. Very little pitchy dawg moments. Big improvement. Crazy pants, but good overall. Steven Tyler: "I don't know what to say again. I heard you came up with the drums, the dance, once again we see the whole package." Jenny from the Block: "You're an exciting performer. It was my first little goosebumps of the night." Me: Yay! Randy Yo Dawg: "I've been a little rough on you the last couple weeks, I know. But finally tonight, all of Naima showed up." Me: Go Naima!

James Durbin is singing "Livin' for the City" by Stevie Wonder. Leave. Him. Alone. Bob Babbitt is there again. Apparently he's an original Funk Brother. I predict a lot of screaming. And we all know how I feel about the screaming. Yep. Too much screaming. Sorry James. It was good, but a little over the top for me. James is being cocky again. Jenny from the Block: "You are serious business up there. You leave me speechless." Randy Yo Dawg: "It was rough when it started, but it's all good." I just read somebody's Tweet that said 50% is not a passing grade. I have to agree. Steven Tyler: "Sometimes it takes a little bit of being crazy to make a difference in this world. And you have it. You nailed it."

Bottom Three: Thia, Scotty, Haley

Going home: Haley (long overdue)

Thursday, March 17, 2011

This. Is. America.

The contestants wanted to be things when they grew up. Scotty wanted to be an astronaut but his brains weren't astronaut material. Poor Scotty, now he'll just be famous because of a television show.

I know I've said this already, but I really don't enjoy the new opening song thing.

Jenny from the Block thinks she's in an Austin Powers movie. That dress couldn't be any more inappropriately short if it tried.

Ooohhhh....Steven Tyler is sparkly. Incidentally, I played Guitar Hero Aerosmith today and was reminded of how much the Steven Tyler character looks like the real Steven Tyler.

Group sing. JacobPaul's microphone was not on. Foreshadowing? I hope. Also it was in the wrong key. All in all, this was a strange hodgepodge of "Born to Be Wild" and a song I've never heard.

Lee DeWyze and the Black Eyed Peas will be here tonight. I'm apathetic about both.

Ford commercial. Lauren has been kidnapped by Paul. Haley and Stefano are in love? James Durbin is a villain. And the rest of them enjoy going to drive-in movie theaters.

There's a compilation CD for American Idol 10th anniversary. Way to not be in the 21st century.

Karen Rodriguez makes weird noises with her throat and thinks we don't know she speaks Spanish. We know.

JacobPaul is a square. Hokay.

Naima is being very serious about saying strange words.

Haley is correcting the interviewers questions. HAHAHAHAHA!!!! The interviewer just made Haley hold the sign in front of her face. That was awesome.

Pia thinks her dog sings. Oh hush. LOL On read this to Paul he asked "Doesn't Pia have a Miss America Pageant to get to somewhere?"

Lauren claims she has no accent and her dog is cuter than everyone else's. She actually is a little bit funny. Unlike Kellie Pickler.

Kieran is a) a dude (this is news to me) and b) Irish so he (!) makes the dim lights green and plays Riverdance.

JacobPaul, Casey, and Lauren are up first. Ryan asks Randy Yo Dawg what the key is to overcoming pitch problems. This is in reference to JacobPaul's atrocious pitch. Me: You have to not be tone deaf. Randy Yo Dawg: " Clearly, you have to be able to know what the note is in order to sing it." Me: Right. That's what I said. Jenny from the Block: "They also have to be able to hear themselves." Me: Oh shut up. I spend the majority of my Sunday mornings not being able to hear myself and I manage to not have garish pitch problems. JacobPaul is safe. Dumb.

Lauren is feeling better. She is safe. She has many colors in her hair. And she's wearing terrible fringe boots. Again.

Casey Abrams is up. Steven is asked what the ingredients are in the "goop" he said Casey had. Steven Tyler: "Really Ryan? It's the stuff that is creativity." Casey is safe. Uh-duh.

Haley and Paul are up. I predict Haley in the bottom 3. Haley thinks she can do Rock/Funk/Blues all together. I disagree. Steven is being quoted a lot this evening. Haley is in the bottom 3. Paul is safe. I'll take it.

Lee DeWyze (most underwhelming winner of American Idol ever) is singing. Someone named Pit Bull is in the audience now. Ryan makes a big deal of it. Even though Pit Bull is also sitting next to Marc Anthony. Jenny from the Block's husband. Lee is singing. He's a nice enough person, I'm sure. I just....really? He won? I'm sorry Lee. You're being skipped. He's talking to Ryan now. Nope, still boring.

Haley is chillin' on the Tool Stool.

Scotty, Pia, and James are up. Scotty is safe. Pia is safe. James is up. He has to be safe. Steven Tyler is asked if he sees himself when James sings. He says no. He's joking. I think Steven is less than amused by Ryan's inane questions, just like Simon was, BUT Steven Tyler is better at masking it than Simon was.

Stefano and Naima are up. If my predictions are going to be true, Naima should be in the bottom 3. I'm smart.

Karen and Thia are up. If Thia goes to the bottom 3, I will be 3 for 3.

Ryan reminds us what Steven said about Karen's ethnic what it is ness. Steven interrupts him and tells him not to ask. I think Steven Tyler is great.

Thia is wearing Pocahontas braids. She insists she's not just a ballad singer. I don't buy it.

Karen is in the bottom 3. I'm a little surprised by this. I guess I'll be putting up with Pocahontas a bit more.

Black Eyed Peas. Ryan says whoever wins could battle against the Black Eyed Peas on the charts. Oh please, the last AI winner who could CONTEND with the Black Eyed Peas as far as popularity is concerned is Carrie Underwood. Face it, you're not producing the superstars you had hoped. Anyway....

So, when the Black Eyed Peas were on the Super Bowl half time show, my little nephew woke up from his nap, stood at the top of the stairs, watched for about a minute and declared "Mommy, I think these people are just too strange for me. They're just strange." I have to say I agree with the wisdom of Lukas T. Adams.

Karen, Naima, and Haley are back in the middle. Naima is safe. YES! I will be pleased with the departure of either of these people. But mostly Haley.

Karen is going to sing for her life. She's going to sing Hero. Oh my gravy, we know you speak Spanish. This. Is. America. Naima is trying really hard to feel it, but failing. Casey is giving her a fist pump. Y'know for being longtime friends with her, Pia doesn't seem too shaken up by this whole thing. Just sayin', Pia is probably a mean girl. Her Mom believes in her. So we should keep you? Randy Yo Dawg says no. He also says it's not unanimous and Jenny from the Block is quite obviously upset about it.

Well, that was it. I'm pleased with the outcome of this elimination.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Jon Bon and friends.

The AI crew is letting us know that they, too, are doing their part to help Japan. Also of note, Jenny from the Block and Steven Tyler have similar hairstyles this evening.

Hooray it's baby week, where we all have to, oh I mean get to, see pictures of the contestants as babies.

Naima is the same age as me. Wow. Her Mom used to wrap her "African style" and sing with her on stage. That's cool. I really enjoy her. She's singing Tina Turner "What's Love Got to do With it." I enjoy the band in this song, she's struggling with the pitch in parts of this though. She also has soul crusher earrings. Regardless of all of these facts however, I enjoy her tremendously. Steven Tyler: "Naima you just opened a can of whoop-de-doo on us! You have a sorcerer's grasp on melody and I just loved it. Why are you wearing my shirt?" This is what I think he said. I refuse to rewind and rewatch so I'm goin' with it. Jenny from the Block: "I love your flavor. I gave you a pass on the pitchiness last week, but I see you are consistently pitchy, so I need you to pay attention." Randy Yo Dawg: "Jennifer is right." Me: I agree. But it was still fun.

Paul McDonald is up. He is also the same age as me. He is singing Elton John "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues." I'm stoked for this. Stoked. They have strange backup singers. Like from a high school choir. His voice is very Rod Stewart. I want him to play the guitar again. Why is no one playing instruments this season? Did they take that component out? I have to admit, this is underwhelming. Jenny from the Block appears to be enjoying it. Paul (my Paul): "Not as good as Elton." Me: stares blankly. "No Kidding!" Gotta hand it to Elton, man can rock a song. So anyway, back to Paul McDonald, he totally lost the tempo at the end and showed that he was struggling. Bad move, dawg. Jenny from the Block: "I know you felt like you were struggling, but it sounded so good baby, and you have so much soul and so much star quality, it overcame that." Randy Yo Dawg: "I differ with Jennifer a little bit, I'm not going to give you a pass because you have a cold, because everybody gets a cold, but this is what I like about you, blahdeblahdeblahdeblah Ray LaMontagne, you find a way to make it your own, like, I'm not Elton, I'm gonna put the Paul spin on it." Name drop: 2 Steven Tyler: "I agree with Randy you were off on notes a little bit, but you define cool dude and loose mood." Me: Steven Tyler=Dr. Seuss.

Thia was born in 1995. That's ridiculous. She's singing "Colors of the Wind." Are you serious? Pocahontas? All the songs in 1995 and you sing Pocahontas? That's just dumb. Blue corn moon. What does that even MEAN? Also, please sing a song that is slightly upbeat should you manage to make it to next week. Seriously and for real. I obviously dislike this. She's a one trick pony. "My name is Thia and I sing slow pretty songs so you can hear my disturbingly low voice, even though it's really pretty." Randy Yo Dawg: "The vocals were ok, but the problem that I'm having, everybody's booing, I haven't even said anything and they're booing. For me, it's like you sing ballads every week and this was just boring, I felt like I was at a pageant somewhere, there was nothing special, unique about it, and you have the talent. It was just so safe and so boring." Me: Randy Jackson, don't ever leave this show, because then it will just be 3 people telling everyone that they look pretty and have flavor. Steven Tyler: "You have a beautiful voice, but is that who you think you are?" Thia: "I thought it suited perfectly with you know what's going on in the world today, so I thought the lyrics suited very perfectly with the, you know, but it was 1995 and I thought it was the best choice out of all the choices." I promise you that's exactly what she said. She was coached by Miss South Carolina. Me: I don't think you actually know what's going on in the world today. As a matter of fact, just because I have this kind of time (sarcasm)....There were plenty of viable options for her to sing for 1995, "Total Eclipse of the Heart", "I'll Stand By You", "Gangsta's Paradise" just to name a few....Jenny from the Block: "We loved your tone, you have an Adele quality, it was a little safe, but I hear in your vibrato I'm not sure if it's nervousness or if it's just you, but push out of the box and kill it next week." Peggy Blue is here. She must be drunk because she looks like she enjoyed it.

James Durbin is up next. Maybe he'll continue on his "I don't hate you that much" streak. Kate Hudson is here, and she's eating Cheetos and is embarrassed. James, Stefano, Casey, and Paul are in a band. He was born in 1989. Evidently, we are making the parents sing too. James played with dolls as a child. Alrighty. He's singing "I'll Be there for You" by Bon Jovi. Please. Don't. Scream. Please. He's back to wearing a tail. I've never heard this song. I love it. Love it. There was a scream, but it was of value to the song. I love it. I don't love him, yet. But I loved the song. Steven Tyler: "What was up with the dolls? Also, I have leftover sandwiches under my bed older than you. Don't get poppy on me." James: "You had some good music in '89 as well." Me: He is aware. We are all aware. Stop sucking up, he can't vote for you. James is a little bit on the cocky side. It's kind of crazy. He just said he would like to sing Aerosmith with Steven at the finale. Cocky. Jenny from the Block: "A good singer makes you sing along, and I was singing along. It was great!" Randy Yo Dawg: "There were a couple spots where you were pitchy. Jon Bon and the band are great, but you made it your own, you put your high note in but it was tasteful." Me: I agree with Yo Dawg. But who is Jon Bon? No one calls him that, I'm fairly certain. Name drop: 3

Haley was born in 1990. Her parents are hippies. She's singing a song that I did not hear the name of because I was busy voting for someone who is actually good. Dear Haley, you didn't need to dress like it was 1990. But thanks for the gaudy red lipstick, the crazy silk boatneck, and the horrible spandex pants. I have heard this song before, but I prefer to not be yelled at. There were some pleasant notes. Oh, the crazy red lipstick has smeared. Jenny from the Block: "You look beautiful. *pauses and looks at her, notices lipstick smears* oh...yeah, so you're really tense, you need to just relax." Ryan is fixing her lipstick. Randy Yo Dawg: "I'm confused by you. I don't think you know who you are. The vocals were just ok. I'm just confused." He also had 3 name drops in there. Bringing the total to 6. Steven Tyler: "Sing more Janis Joplin." Haley: "It's 1990, not...1969." Me: "SHUT UP!"

House is new next week. YAY!

Stefano is up. He was born in 1989. These contestants are babies! Stefano had a large head as a child. As my husband's grandma would say, he was a big-headed kid. Can I take this opportunity to say again, that Jimmy Iovine is a fantastic addition to this show? I love it. He's singing "If You Don't Know Me By Now." I love his voice. He got a haircut. See I was confused by this choice, because it was originally done in 1972. But then redone in 1989. Apparently there were slim pickings for songs from 1989. This is beautiful. I love it. The last note was a little scary, but he pulled it out. Randy Yo Dawg: "Yo, originally recorded by Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes (namedrop 7), best performance of the night so far." Me: I don't know about that, but it was really really good. Steven: "Beautiful phrasing. You're going to make Jimmy Iovine more famouser." Me: Grammar police. Jenny from the Block: "You could take this thing, if you just sing into my eyes." Me: Ok, creeper. He's sweet, he just ran down to hug his mama and he's so happy! :D

Pia was born in 1988. She's singing "Where Do Broken Hearts Go?" by Whitney Houston. Of course she is. She is wearing a terrible terrible pantsuit. Is this what the original sounds like?? 'Cause this is cheesetastic. Paul just said this is her Hazmat suit for the nuclear fallout. Too soon, Paul. Too soon. She just had a crazy high note. If you're going to change the key, make sure you can sing all the notes. That's all I'm sayin'. Steven Tyler: "You are why this show is called American Idol. You took that song over the top. You nailed it." Jenny from the Block: "I was glad you did something up tempo." Apparently, that means the song is usually slow. Randy Yo Dawg: "Pia is in this competition to win it!" Me: That is the goal, yes.

Scotty McCreery was born last week. Or in 1993. He loved Elvis and sang it in the back of the bus. People thought he was weird. My brother knows his pain. "Can I Trust You With My Heart?" by Travis Tritt. He's going to stay country. Good news. Please stop with the smirk/tilt. It's the George W. Bush smirk! He reminds me of George W. Bush with the smirking! This makes me love him! It was fine. Cute. Decent. There is much screaming from the audience. Jenny from the Block: "Scotty you pushed it out there. I want to see you keep going in that direction." Randy Yo Dawg: "So happy you did a song with my dear friend Travis Tritt (8), I love that you take chances. Keep taking chances." Steven Tyler: "Keep knowing who you are and you're going to go places." Me: I will give him a vote.

Karen was born in 1989. She's singing a song I have never ever heard of. She's channeling Selenas again. She's wearing killer boots and soulcrusher earrings. One of her killer boots is taller than the other and it's bugging me. This is boring. Wow that note was bad. She switches to Espanol unnecessarily after saying in the package that she didn't want to be the "Spanish singer." Randy Yo Dawg: "Yo. It started rough. I think it was better than last week, but I'm not jumping up and down, but welcome back." Me: It stayed rough Randy. Steven Tyler: "I love when you go into your ethnic what it is ness." Jennifer Lopez: "If you can't hit a note, don't try it." Me: Wisdom!

Casey Abrams was born in 1991. What?! Wow, his parents are hippies. From Idyllwild, so that's not surprising. His parents are fantastic. He's singing Nirvana! "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and I believe he may be playing guitar. I'm so excited! He's playing bass. I love him. I love him. He is very talented. That was fantastic!!!!! Steven Tyler: "You're so crazy and talented. That's the perfect match. It's the goop that good stuff is made of." Me: You should know Steven Tyler. Jenny from the Block: "Kurt Cobain, that's some big shoes to fill. There were parts that were screamy screechy (Me:???), it still has to sound pleasant (Me:??????????)." Me: Uh, Pia didn't sound pleasant a second ago and nobody called her on it. Also, glad you're tum-tum feels better Casey. And finally, it's Nirvana, not Taylor Swift. Randy Yo Dawg: "Me being the best thing to have happened to music, like great bands (3, bringing the total to 10), you love taking risks. I love that you're putting art first. You're fearless." A Taylor Swift reference!

Lauren Alaina is becoming annoying. She was born in 1994. She is becoming Kellie Pickler. Who I do not enjoy. She's singing a Melissa Etheridge song, "And I'm the Only One." Her parents are young. And strange. I enjoy this. If she could just sing and never ever speak, we'd be on great terms. Jenny from the Block: "Very nice. You made it your own." Randy Yo Dawg: "That was very nice. Have a cold every week." Steven Tyler: "I agree. You're beautiful. You're a shining star." Agreed. I will now go vote online and annoy people who read my Facebook but not this blog.

Jacob Paul is up next. His Mom thinks she can sing. He is begging us not to let her sing. He was born in 1987. He's going to sing "Alone" by Heart. Girl song. And, Alison already killed this song in her season. Paul thinks he is Francesca from Survivor and is commenting on how confused he is. Oversinging. Lots of oversinging. Key change. Why is everyone changing the keys? Well, correction, people that think they can sing the key changes (Pia, Karen, JacobPaul) are changing the keys. Paul: "You don't get me alone." That was unpleasant. Randy Yo Dawg: "Yo man, listen. When you hit the modulation you were sharp and you got it in a couple bars. You didn't overpower it." Me: He didn't??!!?? Steven Tyler: "Your Momma may not be able to sing, but she gave you the Moxie you have now. The gospel had a baby and named it Jacob Lusk." Paul: "What does that mean?" Jenny from the Block: "I love that you give yourself completely to every performance. We all feel that." Me: It was bad, people. Bad.

Here's my ranking:
Casey Abrams*
James Durbin*
Lauren Alaina*
Stefano Langone*
Scotty McCreery*
Naima Adedapo
Karen Rodriguez
Pia Toscano
Jacob Lusk
Paul McDonald
Haley Reinhart
Thia Megia

Bottom Three: Thia, Naima, Haley. Going home: Naima (unjustified)

Thursday, March 10, 2011


Wow. Jenny from the Block got attacked by a marshmallow. And Steven Tyler is reminding everyone that James Durbin's scarf fetish does not, in fact, make him distinct.

Ha! Someone has a sign that says Steven Tyler for President. I would actually be ok with that.

Oh good gravy, Adam Lamebert is performing on the show. Guess who will be fast forwarding THAT performance? This kid.

Oh no. Casey is in the hospital. Dude, quit being ill. You're killing me.

They have a mansion. With large closets and tiny beds. They're very happy.

Oh save me, we're doing a group sing already? I recognize these songs, but I can't think of any names. Needless to say, they're not actually singing. This one is "Black or White." I will admit that the producers have worked out nicely in regards to these medleys. They are lipsynching but at least this bunch is better at it than previous bunches.

Ford Commercial. Cheese.

They went to see Red Riding Hood. They were excited. They got starstruck for people from Twilight. Yipes. Ashthon is very dramatic, even when watching a movie about wolves.

Ryan will call the bottom three to the Tool Stools.

Jacob Paul, Stefano, and K-Rod are up.

Jacob admits he messed up, which means he has earned some points.

K-Rod claims she couldn't hear. Cop-out.

Stefano...HAHAHAHAHA! Ryan repeats what Steven Tyler said about his performance last night and Steven looks at him like, "I said THAT?" Awesome. Stefano is just glad he's here right now. You're going home, sweetheart.

I was very very wrong. K-Rod is headed for the Tool Stool. Stefano and Jacob Paul are safe.

Well, here we go. I will attempt to watch Adam Lamebert in the hopes that I will be pleasantly surprised as I was with his protege James Durbin. Apparently, he's doing something unplugged, so maybe I won't hate it. Nope. Still hate it. I enjoy the guitarist and the drummer. But he just, I don't know. He bugs me. His voice does not match his face. He has really off-putting mannerisms when he sings. And then there's the guy-liner. And the SCREAMING! WHY WITH THE SCREAMING!???!!!!??? WHY??????

Back to the important parts. Lauren, Ashthon and Haley are up. My guess is that all three are safe.

Lauren is already having a moment. She is very Kellie Pickler right now. BUT she admits it wasn't good and she's sorry. Ryan has pity on her soul and tells her she's safe. Her Momma has Texas hair.

Ashthon has some Sanjaya mohawk hair happening. Ashthon admits she should have picked a better song.

Haley killed two ostriches and put them in her ears. Come ON with those earrings! Haley just thinks she's too cool for school and she has lots of fun with anything she does.

K, so I was way off on the bottom three. We're not even bothering with looking at the rest of the people. Haley, Ashthon, and K-Rod are in the bottom three. Everyone else is safe. That was weird. Don't like that format. Give me some suspense people!

Diddy Dirty Money is happening now. Someone named Skylar Gray is playing piano and singing. I like her voice. I have a feeling this will be short lived. Yes. Now we are rapping. So I just realized this is awkward for Jenny from the Block because she was married to Sean Puffy P Diddy Marshmallow Puff Dirty Money Fresh Prince of Bel-Air once. I don't actually hate this.

Ok. Out of these three, I HOPE Haley is going. In fact, I think Haley will be going home.

Kieran has dimmed the lights. K-Rod is safe! Huzzah!

Kieran is dimming the lights again. Haley is safe. Ashthon is out. Judges probably will not save her. Which will be lame. She is defeated. It's very sad. Poor Ashthon. Jenny from the Block is already crying so you know she's done. Ashthon is freaking out. That's way sad. Jenny from the Block is bummed. Haley is annoying. I now hate Haley.

The "I'm leaving" song is David Cook's "Don't You Forget About Me."

I have now lost one of the people I thought would make it far. Just goes to show, it's all about song choice. Song. Choice. Oh, and being an adolescent teen girl magnet. Grr...

Top 13 Perform. While I Nap.

I heard a rumor that tonight's episode has been pre-recorded and is not live. I find this appalling. But whatever.

Jenny from the Block is wearing Selena lipstick. Ay-yi-yi!

The Top 13 are debuting and tonight they'll be singing a song by their personal idol. This should be fun. I predict James Durbin sings Adam Lambert.

Jimmy Iovine is here and I loved him during auditions. He went Simon on some peeps.

Lauren is singing Shania Twain "Any Man of Mine." Never heard it, but I feel good about country music on her. One of the producers she worked with looks like Oscar the Grouch. I don't feel this song on her, doesn't seem age appropriate for her. She's 16. She shouldn't know any men. Also she's trying to square dance while singing. And it's not working. It was slightly awkward. Steven is up first, he wanted it to be more kick-butt. But he didn't say butt. I'd agree with that. Jenny from the Block tells her she doesn't have to try, but she needs to kick it into high gear. Srsly, Selena lipstick. Randy Yo Dawg: "Yo, Shania Twain is awesome. But we want to see the girl we first saw. It didn't shine beyond belief." Lauren had a good taahm. Good for her, but she would have a better taahm if she didn't choose a slightly awkward song. She called Ryan "Peaches." Please don't make me stop loving you, Lauren!

Casey Abrams is up. His idol is Joe Cocker. He's singing "With a Little Help from My Friends." Yesssss. Jimmy Iovine is wearing earphones unnecessarily. Casey Abrams says Joe Cocker has gravel in his voice and is unattractive, so he's inspired Casey to look/sound like he does. Sounds good. Oh, maybe the earphones are necessary. Now Jimmy is wearing them. He's singing on the stairs. Oh I love this. I'm voting for him. Jenny from the Block: "Casey! You know what? At one point, I grabbed Randy and said what am I watching right now? Wow. Blew me away." Randy Yo Dawg: "Jen was watching Idol Season 10 the remix." Me: Randy, we know what season it is. Steven Tyler: "You're a rainbow of talent and a plethora of passion." I love Steven Tyler. Voting.

Ashthon Jones is singing Diana Ross "When You Tell Me that You Love Me." Never heard it. I enjoyed it. The mix was off. Like her voice was a lot louder than the band/background vocals. It should be louder but it was like a LOT louder. I'm kind of sensitive to that stuff though, so I don't know. Randy Yo Dawg: "Yo. Barry Gordy is here!" Name drop count=3. Randy: "I liked it, you paid attention to the notes. I think you did yourself some good with that. I liked it." Steven Tyler: "I agree with Randy. I think there's more in you than you're showing us, and you're going to. I got confidence in you." Jenny from the Block: "You're elegant and professional and I love you." Thanks Selena. Not voting for her, but it was like a 7.5/10 on the scale. For me for you.

Paul McDonald's idol is Ryan Adams. Who? What? He's singing something called "Come Pick Me Up." He's working with Oscar the Grouch too! He looks like he should talk with a British accent. But he doesn't. He also looks like Jack Sparrow. Like he's had a lot of rum. A lot. I do not love this. It's all about song choice, people. Song. Choice. The last line is "I wish you would." I wish you would sing something else. Anything else. Steven Tyler: "I like the rasp. You can sing any song it ends up sounding like yours." Steven just popped a pill. No joke. Possibly a cough drop because he sounds kind of coldish. Strange. Selena: "I love watching people watch you. You're so unique. I hope America gets it. I don't know Ryan Adams or that song." Me: Translation: you're crazy. Randy Yo Dawg: "Rod Stewart, Ryan Adams, Whiskeytown, Wilco, Don Wells, I love you." Name drop count: 8. Ryan and Paul are now doing the "Paul McDonald." That's probably the funniest thing I've seen all day.

Ryan is having a Coke with Pia. She's telling Ryan what she's been doing for the last week. Cause he has no idea. Her idol is Celine Dion. I really thought she was going to say Selena for a second and I was about to scream. She's singing "All By Myself." We LITERALLY just watched an episode of "How I Met Your Mother" that this song was on. This is a Celine Dion song? Are we sure? She's shiny. And she lost part of her dress, it looks like. This is pretty. She has a very pretty voice. Wow. Get that note, girl! Her left hand is having a moment. All by itself. Quit with the crazy hands. That was a loud, emoting, shiny song. Selena: "Really beautiful. We wanted to know what you would do to top last week, and there it is." Randy: "Yo. It's Season 10. Mariah, Whitney, Celine. You can do it." Namedrop: 11. Steven Tyler: "That was the sum total of everything you've done up until now. Happy Woman's Day, by the way." It's Woman's Day? I'm a woman!

James Durbin looks up to Paul McCartney. James now has 3 points in his favor. He's singing "Maybe I'm Amazed." I'm sorry, he does not have Asperger's. I may not hate this. Unless he screams. Also, we're rocking scarves again. Yeah, if he could just keep singing like this all the time, we would be ok. He now has 6 points. Oh. There's some screaming. But he tamed it. My heavens, I may vote for James Durbin. Dear Jim Jonsin, thank you. Randy Yo Dawg: "Yo. You're my favorite. Journey. Judas Priest. Paul McCartney. You can do anything." Name drop: 14. Steven Tyler: "You've taken everything you have ever felt and kicked it into next week." Me: Huh? Selena: "You have a melodic quality to your voice. You can actually sing. You're everything." I don't know man. He still has a little bit of that cockiness that annoys me to no end. But I can appreciate his musicality.

Haley (Paul's favorite) idolizes Leann Rimes? F'real? Okie doke. Wow, what's up mullet man!? She's working with Rock Mafia. She's singing "Blue." And she has soul crusher earrings. Shout out to SarahK. This sounds like it should be a Patsy Cline song. I nothing this. She just kinda bums me out. Steven Tyler: "If you listen real close, you can hear the country western part of America roaring because of how good that was." Me: Where exactly is country western America? And, she doesn't strike me as country western. DUDE. Steven Tyler just said that "Blue" was apparently a song that Patsy Cline never recorded. I'm brilliant. Go me! Selena: "Good job. It was really really special." Randy Yo Dawg: "Yo. Listen. First the good parts. Last week you did Alicia Keyes, this week Leann Rimes. It was a little boring for me, if I'm being honest." Me: Keep it real, yo dawg! Oh, and only Simon can say "if I'm being ohnest." And! Namedrop: 16 Haley is arguing with Randy. Selena says that Haley is sensual. Paul: "Really? I didn't feel very sensual after listening to her."

Jacob Lusk is having Coke with Ryan. Can I just say, I always want to call him Paul Lusk? As a matter of fact, I think I will. He used to be a spa concierge. Ok. Jacob Paul loves R. Kelley. Really? Also, please sing the closet song. Oh. No. He's singing "I Believe I Can Fly." Oh Space Jam. 1,000 points if Bugs Bunny shows up during this performance. There will obviously be a choir for this performance. He really does have a beautiful voice. What just happened to the key? That was not a good key change. Oh no. Oh no no no no no no no no no no no. I wish I could fly away right now. Steven Tyler: "Pure passion. Pure music. I can't judge it. Because I'm totally wasted and really wasn't listening." Selenas: "It's hard to judge you, because my lipstick is so bright that I can't see you." Randy Yo Dawg: "We're so lucky and so blessed. Wait, we found you so I guess we're responsible for this. Go us. When people turn on the radio, they need to say that's Jacob, that's Luther, Jennifer, Steven." Namedrop: 20. Paul: "Selenas and Steven Tyler should be elementary school teachers because they sure are high on the self-esteem awards." Love that man.

Props to Randy, he called the pitch issues. I feel like Jacob Paul knows it was terrible and is equally as shocked at the judges response as I am.

Thia Megia is singing Michael Jackson. Ashthon was compared to Diana Ross. And sang Diana Ross. Thia was compared to MJ and is now singing MJ. Thia: "My idol is Michael Jackson?" Classic. She's singing "Smile." Her voice does not match her face. Like it's a lot deeper than you would expect. Paul: "You know if you close your eyes, it does sound a little bit like Michael." Me: Still laughing. Silently. Oh, and now crying. And now, it's become a Bollywood song and there's a terrible canned music track behind her. Wow. I miss Ricky Minor. That was not my favorite thing ever. And her awkward dancing was rough. Randy Yo Dawg: "I love the intro. I could hear Michael. I even heard a little Adele. It got pitchy when you started with the band. I loved the beginning more than the end." Name drop: 22. Steven Tyler: "I agree. You're so new and young. I like the front more than the end. But you gave it up." What? Selenas: "The beginning reminded me of last week. That's your strength. The arrangement was interesting. I liked seeing you move. It doesn't matter you sing like an angel." Gold stars all around. Thia felt a lot more better in the beginning of the song. This is why we don't let people that haven't graduated high school on the show. The poor grammar.

Stefano's idol is Stevie Wonder. Do Not Sing Stevie!! Polow Da Don is working with him. Cool name. He's singing "Lately." Why is the audience clapping like they're at a hoedown??? Stop it! He's out this week. I don't want him to be, but I think he's out. Selenas is either having a seizure or is really excited. Steven Tyler: "You pulled it off. By the time it ended it was like a volcano." Selenas: "I was dancing for a minute. It's not easy to take a classic song and do the dance remix. It was really you." Randy Yo Dawg: "Stevie. Very nicely done." Name drop: 23.

Karen Rodriguez is singing Selena. SELENAS!!!!!!!! Those high notes were a little weak. It was underwhelming. Selenas sings Selena better. Selenas: "You look beautiful. I could tell you were a little uncomfortable with the notes." Randy Yo Dawg: "It felt like you were fighting the song. It was a little sleepy." Steven Tyler: "I feel the same way." Succinct. Something weird is happening tonight.

Scotty is now having some Coke. He misses baseball. He idolizes Garth Brooks. He's singing "The River." This is where I decided to go to bed. So now, I'm watching the last 2 performances before I watch the elimination. The best thing of this performance is the guy playing the organ that we got to see during the opening package. Scotty has a very unique voice. He is also Smirktastic. The twang is fat. Selenas is shaking her head. Which, apparently means she loves it. This is what I mean about the mix, that accapella should have been a bigger moment. Who is running their sound?? He certainly looks like he's having fun. I didn't love or hate the performance. I nothinged it. Randy Yo Dawg: "I like seeing you and Jimmy talk about switching it up, and I loved your answer. If it ain't broke, don't think about fixing it. That's a great Garth Brooks song." Name drop: 24. Steven Tyler: "Shoot the TV and the moon, Roy Rogers. You're riding high." Selenas: "I felt you feel the audience. Feel it. Feelings. Nothing more than feelings."

Naima Adedapo idolizes Rihanna. I feel like people like Rihanna should not be considered an "idol." Tricky is working with Naima. Jimmy thinks she could make it to the top 5. Bust a move! OMGravy. I loooooved that. She was dancing. She was being Jamaican, mon. She was singing. It was awesome. Steven Tyler: "You brought flavor and I loved it." Selenas: "I don't care about all the pitchy. You were doin' it. You need to work on the control. But I'm glad you did what you did." Randy Yo Dawg: "I do care about the pitchiness. You gotta have the breath so you can keep the notes in tune. I love the whole reggae thing. Yo, make a whole reggae version of it." She just quickly rattled off a dedication to (I think) her husband. I enjoy her. She would frighten me in real life, but I do like her.

Ok, silly. Naima's number is ending in 36 because they didn't want to use "unlucky" 13. That's dumb.

Here's how I would have voted.
Casey- *****
Naima- ***
James-* (I know right!?)

Bottom three: Stefano, Paul, Thia. Going home: Stefano.

Oh, and final name drop count= 24.

Friday, March 4, 2011


We're cutting people, people.

Steven Tyler is wearing a bright pink shirt. Bright pink. Yipes.

Randy Yo Dawg is explaining how the cut will work. We'll find out the Top 10 and then the judges will choose wild card singers to sing again from the 14 losers. No idea how MANY wild card singers they will keep, but, when have the judges ever known what is going on??

Steven Tyler refuses to say whether the girls or guys were better this week. Girls. Seriously.

Replay from Tuesday night when the guys performed. No. Still not good.

Stefano is telling Ryan how much he wants everyone else to make it. That's a good attitude to have.

Sigh. It is not necessary to tell me that the contestants lives have changed. I'm aware.

Casey wants to have a bass off with Randy Yo Dawg. Casey will win. For sure. People I know named Casey seem to play the bass well...

I love Casey Abrams. He professes to be a lumberjack and I'm ok with that.

Truer words have not been spoken. Scotty McCreery "To be a country singer, you gotta be a country boy."

Brett thinks he's a burnt cookie with frosting. Or a rainbow cookie in a pile of chocolate chip cookies. Dear Brett, please stop trying to be metaphorical. You just end up being awkward and making me make fun of you.

Scotty and Robbie are up. If I didn't already know the results, I would think that both were out.

Scotty said legendary! That's legendary! Both of these boys are babies! They're in high school.

Also, Robbie= Danny Zuko. Or a Jet. Scotty is in the Top 10!!!!!!! Robbie is not. Whomp-Wahhh.

Clint, Jordan, Jovany. Now, honestly had I been watching this last night, I would have thought Clint and Jordan make it, simply because I hate them so much. I would be on the fence about Jovany. Honestly, I don't think any of them should make it.

Ryan recaps the night for Clint, asks Randy what he thinks, and Randy tells him Clint is an amazing singer. Oh, Clint, get ahold of yourself. There's no need to have a breakdown quite yet. It's not like you've won.

Ryan recaps Jordan and then asks Jordan what he'd do differently. Jordan: "Pick another song." Me: "Well, too late. Maybe you should just own up to the fact that you're not the best singer that ever lived and take what's coming to you." He then says that he would have sang John Legend. Jenny from the Block asks which one, he tells her and she says it would have been perfect. See, he's acting like somebody held a gun to his head and MADE him "sing" Usher. Nobody made you do anything, Jordan!

Recaps Jovany and he's just grateful for the opportunity. Blah-de-blah.

They're all not in. Whoa. James Durbin's eyebrows just did a jig. He does, in fact, have Tourette's. I'm still not sold on Aspergers.

Time for the girls. Recap of their performances. Their lives have changed.

Pia and Lauren are finding out. They both should make it. Pia looks like she may pass out. Lauren is wearing a handkerchief for a shirt. And she has one soulcrusher feather earring. Ryan tells her that Kelly Clarkson tweeted that she reminds her of Kellie Pickler. That's just mean. Oh wait, Ryan thinks it was a compliment. Anyway, they're both in. Huzzah.

Tatynisa and Julie. Tatynisa: HECK NO. Julie: Possibly yes. Julie thinks she let everyone down. She did. But at least she knows she messed up. Lookin' at you Jordan. Also, Tatynisa looks like a giant. She's out. Julie may vomit on the stage. She's out too. I'm a little surprised by that, honestly.

Karen, Ashthon, and Kendra. Karen: yes. Ashthon: yes. Kendra: No. Ryan recaps Kendra and asks her how she felt, then cut her off while she was talking. Ashthon liked being called a diva. Karen wants Latinas to take over the world. Have you been to So Cal?

Ashthon is not in the top 10. She for SURE rolled her eyes as she walked to the Stools of Shame.

Karen is in the top 10. Duh.

Kendra is not. Good. I don't think I could stand her ridiculous hand gestures anymore.

Tim, Casey, Jacob are up. Tim: yes. Casey: yes. Jacob: yes. Jacob is very interested in the floor. Casey feels sexy. Steven thinks Tim should sing Jason Mran or John Mayer. Who is Jason Mran??

Jacob is in the top 10. He will now scream like a girl. For several minutes. No, actually, he will grunt. Weird. His family members are doing a rain dance.

Ryan tells the other 2 that one is in the top 10 and one is not. Tim immediately looks devastated. Casey is in. No joke.

Naima, Thia, Lauren T. are in. Naima: yes. Thia: yes. LaurenT: yes.

Naima has crazy clothes. But I love it. Thia is wearing a 5 year old's sweater. LaurenT just looks sad.

One of them is in.

Naima is not in the Top 10. Boo sauce.

Thia is in. LaurenT has not. Boo sauce again.

Brett and Paul are up. Brett: no. Paul: yes. Brett likes to hug, toss his hair, and eat cookies. Also, he likes wearing glasses in his hair unnecessarily.

Paul is wearing a fantastic jacket. Wow, he has white teeth.

Paul is in the top 10. Yay sauce!

Brett is not in the top 10. Yay sauce again!

Haley and Rachel are the last 2 girls. Haley: no. Rachel: yes. She also is wearing a an old woman dress. What's happening!?

Rachel is wearing something from Gone with the Wind on top.

Haley is in the top 10. Lamest sauce ever.

Stefano and James are the last two guys. James: yes (lame sauce) and Stefano: no (only because there is only one spot left).
Aww...sad, they're BFFs!

James is in the top 10.

So the top 10 are:
Lauren A*

Those with * are the ones I called. 60% accurate. Not bad. Maybe my score will increase once the wild card round is over.

There are 14 people in danger of leaving. Some of those people get to sing again.

Ashthon is singing first. She's singing "And I Am Telling You." I needed this to be a lot better than it was. But they're all ferklempt about it, so the bet is that she's in.

Stefano is up. Hooray! He's singing "I Need You Now." His voice is bee-you-tee-full. Can I ask a question? Why does the camera keep cutting to James Durbin while other people are doing things? I don't really care what he's doing while other people are actually singing instead of screaming. Randy Yo Dawg told Stefano he anointed the moment. Jenny from the Block is shaking.

Kendra is singing again. WHY?!?! She's singing "Georgia." Yes, I know where my eyes are. You don't have to point. She also growls unnecessarily. They seem ambivalent about it, so I'm hopeful that she'll leave.

Jovany gets to sing again. Surprising. He's singing "Angel" or something. I'm over him. And it's in Espanol. Que lastima. He's not doing himself any favors. He's very awkward. And he's sending a subliminal message by shaking his head no. Jenny from the Block tells him he did all he could do. So he's done.

Naima is going to sing. So Tatynisa, LaurenT, Julie, and Rachel are officially out. Bummertude for Julie, LaurenT, and Rachel.

Naima is singing "For All we Know." I don't know what it is about her, but I like her. She's really growing on me. Steven tells her she brought it.

Robbie gets to sing. Which means...... Brett, Jordan, Tim, and Clint are all out!!!!!! Jordan and Clint, good riddance. Brett, get some help with your awkward self, and Tim best of luck.

Robbie is singing "Sorry Seem to Be the Hardest Word." I'm fast forwarding because I'm very sleepy. Robbie: "What have I gotta do, to make you loooohve me." Paul: "A nose job would help." He has a very pronounced nose. Lauren is crying. Why? Are they "friends?" Randy Yo Dawg: "This is so hard, Ryan."

Jenny from the Block says they need a couple minutes. Matter of fact, they need just enough time to watch her new music video. Sheesh.

So far, I hear a lot of autotune and I see a lot of glitter. And someone just told me to back it up like a Tonka truck. Really? Whatever. That was weird.

The Wild Cards are:

Ashthon (she's very surprised)
Stefano (he's pumped)
Naima (she's going to throw up or pass out one of these nights)

So there we go. Top 13.

AND! All three of those people were on my list. So I rock, basically.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Top 12 Girls Perform

Randy Yo Dawg looks like a checkerboard, Jenny from the Block looks like she's drowning in tinsel, and Steven Tyler looks like a crazy rockstar...oh wait that last one is accurate.

Jenny from the Block says all the girls are special and pretty. Paul: "Do you really think we're stupid. You always say the same thing every year." Me: "SHE doesn't always say it." I love me.

Randy Yo Dawg says we have to ask ourselves if this is American Idol. Okey dokey, Aristotle.

Steven Tyler admits he's addicted to adrenaline. Yeah...that's it. Steven Tyler lets us know that it's a full moon coming and we're going there. Hooray!

Top 12 ladies. Naima looks pretty in yellow. Rachel Zevita looks like Elizabeth Taylor.

Tatynisa (the one who forgot her lyrics. Twice.) She's wearing terrible shoes. I have no idea what she's singing. But it's terrible. Flat. Oh. Randy heard it too. Not pleasant. She's squatting like she's trying to poo. I shall dub this the "poo squat." She wants to feel like the only girl in the world. Steven Tyler: "Beautiful way to open the show. You sang the song beautifully." Jenny from the Block: "It's good that it's over now. You brought it home." Randy Yo Dawg: "I differ from them. I think that it was just O. Kay. It paled in comparison to Rihanna's version." Randy Jackson: unlikely voice of reason. Ryan: "So how are we supposed to vote now?" Jenny from the Block: "You know, there was movement in the crowd." Paul: "Well, she did have a movement."

She is terrible.

Naima Adedapo is up next. Paul thinks she looks like Predator. She's wearing a pretty yellow crazy dress. She's singing "Summertime." This is a little gimmicky for me. But I enjoy her voice. I must say it's surprisingly unique. That end note was to die for!!!!!!!! Very nice, Miss Naima. Very nice! Jenny from the Block: "You bring color, you're like an exotic flower." Naima: "That's what my name means." Jenny from the Block: "Oh really? Well, good." *Awkward turtle.* Randy Yo Dawg: "It was kind of lounge act-y for me in the beginning, but by the end with that note, I was like, "Yo!"" Steven: "I take you personally. It was like early Ella Fitzgerald, this is what America needs right now." I enjoyed this. She will get a vote.

Kendra or something is up. She emotes way too much with her hands. I find her to be irritating. She kind of reminds me of Betty Boop with her crazy bouncing up and down and wannabe seductive eyes. Randy Yo Dawg: "I was afraid when I saw you were going to do this song. Because Cristina was great, but I really liked it." I apparently do not know enough songs. Or I just don't listen to Cristina Aguilera. Steven Tyler: "It's amazing what your voice can do to a song." Jenny from the Block: "You belong here, I hope you know that, we're just scratching the surface with you." These judges are boh-ring.

Rachel is up. Oh dear goodness. I don't know what this song is. At first I thought it was "Fever." She is in the wrong key for her voice. And apparently, everyone but Tatynisa got the "sing something with a jazz feel" memo. But back to the key, the majority of it is really low and breathy, like she's having trouble singing. It's almost like she's shouting the lyrics. When she does the falsetto stuff, it's better, but it's still just meh. Man, I was really hoping she would do well. Steven Tyler: "It felt a little too Broadway for me." Rachel: "I think that's the one thing that I haven't sung." Steven Tyler: "something that sounded like Oscar the Grouch." Jenny from the Block: "So I guess that's the question? How do you want America to see you? Do you want them to see you as a Broadway performer or as a recording artist right now?" Randy Yo Dawg: "It wasn't great, it wasn't good. I halfway didn't recognize the Fiona Apple song "Criminal." Dear Randy Yo Dawg, thanks for namedropping these songs for me, because I honestly do not know what half these songs are. They should really put the names of the songs on the screen too. Or at least announce them. C'mon Ryan, do your job!

K-Rod! She's singing Mariah Carey's "Hero." I knew one! Oh and she looks gorgeous. She's singing in Espanol. It's American Idol, yo. This is America. Paul is being underwhelmed. She just changed keys and the audience got up on their collective feet. Oh, sweet, she said "I love you, Mom!" and her Mom is crying like a baby. That was awesome, actually. She has an effortless range. I'm jealous. Jenny from the Block: "Wow. Wow. Wow. I love that you changed from English to Spanish and showed what your flavor is." That guy from the auditions that told Randy he was chocolate would say that K-Rod is mocha flavored. Randy Yo Dawg: "I like that you figure out a way to make it you. I even thought the Spanish was better than the English." Steven Tyler: "Definitely a one of a kind singer, you should sing that song with Jacob Lusk." K-Rod: "He's my best friend in this competition." Wait, I thought K-Rod and Pia were BFFs? Wha' happen?! I will vote for her.

We can vote for the ending of Jenny from the Block's new video. I'm good. Thanks, though.

Lauren Turner is up. She has weird shoes and she's doing the poo squat. She's also singing a jazz song. Seriously, people. What's happening? I can only assume this is called "7 Day Fool" because she's said it 1000 times. Paul: "She's very clingy." If you didn't actually watch the episode you may not get it. Randy Yo Dawg: "That's how you do it, man!" Paul: "That's not nice, Randy." Me: "What? That he called her a man?" Steven Tyler: "That was spectacular! It was a complete sentence." Jenny from the Block: "Your voice is undeniable. I need you to be there physically." I need her to not wear shoes like that again. Also her dress makes her look like a box. Sorry Lauren, you my girl, but you look like a box. I'm voting for her, though. It was groovy.

Ryan is talking and James feels the need to get all up on him. He's annoying.

Ashthon is up. I love this girl. I also love her hair. I do not love this performance. She has something all over her, apparently. I suggest you take a shower and wash it off, then! Steven Tyler: "You have confidence of a queen. We found one." You found one what, exactly? Jenny from the Block: "You have all the makings of a diva. The hair, the body, the composure, the confidence, amazing, really, really great." Randy Yo Dawg: "I didn't enjoy the song, it's very Monica, but I think you can do better. You're Diana Ross." I agree with Randy. I didn't like the song, but I'll vote for her because I don't want her to go.

Julie is up. She's singing Kelly Clarkson. She looks like a ballerina, or like she should be in a Taylor Swift video. She's singing "Breakaway" and emoting with her arms. Paul is now mimicking her. It's pretty hilarious actually. I am very upset by this performance. Not the right song for her for me for you. Tangent: Kendra or something is clapping for Julie and even her clap annoys me. She's very bouncy. Like a yo-yo. Jenny from the Block: "You feel good? Ok, listen, I liked it but it wasn't the best performance." Nice set up, Jen. Randy Yo Dawg: "Kelly Clarkson sang this song and you didn't bring anything new to it." Steven Tyler: "Great chorus on that song, but wrong song for you." That feels like a discombobulated description, Mr. Tyler.

Haley Reinhardt. I predict much poo squatting from this one. She's singing "Fallin'" by Alicia Keyes. Poo squat. She sings interestingly. When she sings the low notes she almost growls them. She sounds like she might be belching when she does it. But her voice is just interesting enough that it makes me want to listen to her sing. I don't hate this performance. I don't know if I'll vote for it, but I don't hate it. Randy Yo Dawg: "Yo, Hay. Lee. Alicia did it awesome, but it just did nothing for YOU. That was just a little karaoke." Haley: barfing in her mouth face. Paul: "She has the crazy eyes." Steven Tyler: "You know what, man, I didn't hear that at all. I heard just the right amount of style and just the right amount of sexy." Jenny from the Block: "I agree with Steven. The one thing I will say is you need to get out of your head." I think she needs to not have such a large head. No vote for you.

Thia is up. I hate Thia. She murdered 4,000 pigeons for her dress. Wow. I take it back. She has a beautiful voice and is quite impressive. That was very pretty and very beautiful. Steven Tyler: "Sometimes a person's pitch can be so perfect that it doesn't matter what song they sing. You just did that. That was just beautiful." Jenny from the Block: "That was a really really special, quiet moment in the middle of all of those big performances." Randy Yo Dawg: "It's been said that great singers have an amazing tone. Your tone sounds like the late, great Michael Jackson." What in the world?

Lauren Alaina is up. Please don't mess this up.

She's singing Reba! That's amazing! And it was amazing! Perfect song choice for her. I love her. She will win this competition. Jenny from the Block: "You look so beautiful. You don't even have to try. The voice is just so effortless, I know there's more, it's just so great to see." Randy Yo Dawg: "You have a natural talent. I don't even think you even know how good you are. You remind me of Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood." Steven Tyler: "Just because you can sing into the stratosphere doesn't mean you should every time. You didn't on that song, but you kill me. I love you, you're the best." Lauren calls Ryan Peaches because he's from Georgia. I will now call him Peaches.

Pia Toscano is up. I forgot about her. She's singing "I'll Stand By You." I predict that Randy talks about Carrie singing this song. This is nice. It's just kind of meh. She's very pretty. Ok, it got better at the end. Still not 100% awesome, but better. The judges are all standing and Jenny from the Block is borderline Paula-ing. Randy Yo Dawg: "Yo. This is our first standing O, you just put yourself in the top of amazing performers who go on to do amazing things." Steven Tyler: "Even a week sings WTF, that was unbelievable, congrats." Steven is on drugs. Jenny from the Block: "I knew you were a standout but I feel like you were saving that for when it counts. It was beautiful."

Here's my order of votes. * mean I actually voted for them. I think Rachel or Tatynisa may be going home. I hope it's Tatynisa.

Lauren A.*
Lauren T.*

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Top 12 Guys Perform:

They've combed the country, thrown out some perfectly good contestants....and American Idol.

At this point, is it necessary to keep telling everyone who the judges and host are? I think we've got it.

Apparently the stage is fancy. It looks the same to me.

This week we'll go from a Top 12 to a Top 10, with the Judges adding in their wild card picks. Which...I'm assuming....will make it a...Top...12....again? Anyone?

Randy Yo Dawg is the "anchor?" Randy says something about a remix and something about this being the best season ever...yada yada.

Jenny from the Block is sporting the Suzanne Sommers ponytail. She's excited for us to get to know the contestants. I think we're good.

Steven Tyler loves the crowd and thrives on attention. So Ryan gives him attention by giving him an American Idol "bleep bubble" for him to use in case he "bleeps" something up. Alrighty. Unnecessary.

Oh, right. The contestants.

Brett Lowenstern has Sanjaya hair. This does not bode well.

Stupid Clint is up first. He's a karaoke host and he thinks he's cool. I disagree. He's singing "Superstitious" Stevie Wonder. Don't sing Stevie, people. No one will ever do it justice. He is no exception. Screechy, out of tune, obnoxious, and not even remotely close to as awesome as that song is. Steven Tyler: "That was brilliant." Me: "Say wha?" J-Lo: "You had some jitters, but it was good." Me: "Come on!" Randy Yo Dawg: "Usually we would say karaoke yada yada, but no karaoke person has that much talent." Me: "Huh."

Excellent. There is online voting.

Jovany Baretto is up. He took his shirt off in his audition. He's singing "I'll Be." It's just a'ight for me for you. Nothing original. Nice voice, but nothing exciting. Steven Tyler: "Holy shipyards! You brought it again, nice job." Jenny from the Block: " People finally get to see you! They know who you are. I'm happy." Randy Yo Dawg: " I hate to break up the apple cart (?) but it felt very karaoke. You need to bring something new to it, don't just sing a cover song that's not nearly as good as the original." I agree with Randy.

Stupid Jordan is up. I despise him as a person. He's singing "OMG" by Usher. This is a very strange song choice. It's my least favorite thing I've ever seen. From the horrible dancing to the weird popping/locking to the poor attempt at falsetto. Steven Tyler: " Jordan, I'm going to be honest, it wasn't my favorite performance." Jenny from the Block: "I don't think that's who you are. Is that who you want to be as an artist?" Jordan: "No, no, no." Me: "Um, you chose the song, slick." Randy Yo Dawg: "Bring something new to the song. When you went up to the falsetto, it was pitchy."

Tim Halperin is up now. I enjoy him. He's singing "Street Corner Symphony", and it rocks. It's groovy, it fits his voice. I really liked it. Steven Tyler: "You know I don't think that did you any justice." Crowd: "Boo." Steven Tyler: "Yeah, well, nevertheless...I've heard you sing so much better." Jenny from the Block: "I just don't think that's your strength. It just didn't show America who you really are."
Randy Yo Dawg: "I think you've been much better before." I feel like the judges are redundant.

Tim has exuberant friends and family members. Yipes.

Sanjaya Lowenstern is next. He's crazy awkward. Kind of like Sanjaya. Wow. He's singing "Light My Fire." At first he starts in this super low key and it's a little interesting and mysterious. And then it just becomes crazy awkward. He must have forgotten to use hairspray or something because his hair will not stay in place. He keeps having to toss his head to move his hair out of his face. Or into his face. I'm not sure which. Everyone just seems to be looking at him awkwardly. Steven Tyler: "You did it again. You were great." Jenny from the Block: "There was more hair tossing in that then me and Beyonce put together in the last 10 years. I really liked it, I liked that you made it your performance." Randy Yo Dawg: "There were 14 hair flips in that." Brett: "I was unaware I was doing it." Paul: "Well there's no shortage of people that annoy me this year." Randy: "You did your thing. You're fun. You were pitchy in the beginning but you worked it out."

I hope they have Harry Connick Jr. as a guest judge this year so he can explain that "pitchy" is not a real description.

James Durbin is up. Sigh. I do not want to listen to this. I have no idea what he's "singing." Paul: "Is he trying to be Adam Lambert?" THAT, my people, is why I married this man. Oh, he's screaming, I'm fast forwarding. I refuse to listen to indulgent screaming. Sorry. They all love him. It's ridiculous. James is wearing a scarf on his pants as a "rocker" statement and Randy acts like he's never seen anything like it. Uh. Randy? Steven Tyler kind of did that, like, all the time. It's kind of a Steven Tyler trademark. Oh, and that "distinct" style James has with the screaming and the girly moves and the shouting that's been done before too. By Adam Lambert. Who did not, in fact, win American Idol. So that should give you a clue about where America stands about this whole situation you've got here. Mmmkay? Mmmkay.

Robbie Rosen is up. I really don't like a lot of the boys. He's singing that Sarah Maclachlan song about angels. He's changed up the arrangement. It might be too changed. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't particularly enjoy his voice. I kind of nothing this performance. He seems like a nice boy. Steven: "You can sing a ballad like nobody's business. It was beautiful." Jenny from the Block: "You tell a story when you sing songs. All the notes weren't perfectly perfect, but you made choices that I loved. You're a special singer." Randy Yo Dawg: " I differ with my cohArts. You had some trouble with the pitch, it didn't all connect." Robbie: "I had fun with it." Me: "Just because you have fun, doesn't mean it was good."

Scotty is up. He's singing a country song. I love that country twang in his voice. He's trying really hard to be cool. Paul just said "It's much better if you don't look at him." I love that he has such range in his voice. That really deep country twang and then the nice mid range stuff. It's good! Steven Tyler: "I don't think you could have picked a better song to represent yourself." Jenny from the Block: "You were born to sing country music." Randy Yo Dawg: "Love that you switched it up. Love that you are a throwback country guy, you're not trying to sing country and cross over into pop." Love it!

Stefano Langone is up. He's singing "Just the Way You Are" Bruno Mars. He has a nice voice. I am enjoying this. There are some moments out of tune ("pitchy") but overall, it's a nice performance. Steven Tyler: "I love that your voice cut through the air in this room. I can always tell when you're on it because of that vein in your forehead. You're so good man." Jenny from the Block: "You're so consistent. I know I'm going to groove with you." Randy Yo Dawg: "It was good. That high note in the false was a little sharp, but it was really good."

Paul McDonald is up. I love him. He's singing "Maggie." And he vaguely sounds like Rod Stewart. But I love it. He has this weird Jack Sparrow/Steven Tyler/drunk dude walk going on. But I love his voice and his demeanor. I'm for it. Steven Tyler: "You got character about your voice and I love that." Jenny from the Block: "You have character in the way you move too. Your smile lights up the whole place. It was a good performance." Randy Yo Dawg: "You're so unique and different and I like the possibility that Idol can embrace this kind of a singer. It bodes well for us." I don't know what Randy is talking about. That was weird.

Jacob Lusk is up. He oversings, but he has a good voice. He's singing "A House is Not a Home." He really does have a good voice. That range! I enjoyed it. Paul is snoring. Steven Tyler: "Divine intervention that brought you here. I'm honored to be in your presence." Jenny from the Block: "Luther Vandross was my favorite singer ever. And that's what is so exciting about this show because, he's gone, and now we have you." Randy Yo Dawg: "You bring something else to the table. We're lucky to have you."

Casey Abrams is up. I lovelovelove him. Idyllwild dude, Mom. He's singing "I Put a Spell on You." Man! This is funky! It's deliciously filthy, funky. And so, so good. That is how you do it. Steven Tyler: "You are crazy good." Jenny from the Block: "You're sexy Casey. You're gonna redefine what this whole thing is, and you know what? Somebody wants it bad." Randy Yo Dawg: "I love how you transform yourself into that song. More more more!" I loved that. It was exactly right.

Here's who I would vote for.

Casey Abrams
Paul McDonald
Tim Halperin
Jacob Lusk
Stefano Langone
Scotty McCreery

The one going home this week is Jovany Baretto.