Friday, April 29, 2011

Epic Fail.

Warning: This post is particularly snarky.

I don't even want to watch this, it's so disgusting. America has seriously and for real, dropped the proverbial ball. But anyway, this is American Idol.

Shock and awe at the fact that Jennifer Lopez is not wearing a mirror for a garment this evening. Steven Tyler is looking more and more like Jack Sparrow by the moment. And Randy Yo Dawg is in it to win it with his pencil pouch on his shirt. Ok, people, the signs telling Steven Tyler to "Walk this Way" are definitely getting old.

Ryan says a lot of fans are going to be disappointed with tonight's result. Which obviously means it's not JacobPaul going home, as it should be. Ryan says Steven Tyler is America's Sweetheart. Really? Steven says he may be good, but when he's bad he's even better. Agreed.

Bruno Mars and Crystal Bowersox are on tonight's results show. I'm only mildly excited about either one. Ryan makes the unnecessary crack about the Royal Wedding....and we're learning about Britain. What in the world?

Oh good, a medley of Carole King. JacobPaul ransacked an Army surplus store for that jacket. Which would normally be cool. But it's on JacobPaul, so it's not. Lauren's hair and dress remind me of Betty Boop or Shirley Temple. I forget she's 16 and get annoyed that she dresses like a child. Scotty is singing on the stairs with a harem of the underage teenagers that have ruined American Idol. I love Haley's necklace. I do not love her skirt. She's like a frumpy teacher on the bottom and a cool chic on the top. Weird. Oh, by the way, I nothinged this medley.

Ford Music Video. They drew a house with a marker that looks like it came out of the Jetsons. And then they drove away.

Crystal Bowersox is up. She is skinny! I enjoy this kind of. I definitely enjoy that Organ. Her band is hot, dawg!

ATT told us to ask questions? When was this? Here are my questions for the contestants in no particular order:

Jacob: "Are you actually as arrogant and annoying as you act, or are you just a really good actor?"
Lauren: "Do you know that when you talk you make me not want to vote for you?"
Haley: "Are you aware that you look like you're pooping on stage? If you'd stop doing that so frequently, I probably wouldn't hate you as much. No guarantees, though."
Jacob (he gets two questions): "Do you really think we believe that you sing like that because you can't hear yourself? We don't."
Scotty: "How is your Grandma?" (I can't be mean to him. I just can't.)
Scotty (ok, I lied): "Have you studied George W. Bush extensively to be able to imitate his facial expressions as accurately as you do?"
James: "Do you know who Adam Lambert is? Yeah, he didn't win either."
Casey: "You know you're way better than this show, right?"

Anyway, here are the "real" questions. Someone wants to know who Casey would like to do a duet with, living or dead. Casey says Oscar Peterson. Which no one has any idea who that is. He's a jazz musician. And then Casey rattles off actual musical terms, that no one understands because this isn't a show about music.

Someone wants to know when and how Jacob discovered the range in his voice. It basically boils down to, he was in choir being obnoxious and singing every part.

Someone wants to know what the hardest part of being a finalist is. They asked Lauren. She misses her family and is worried about tornadoes.

Scotty, who is being called "Scotty the body" for some unknown reason. Did he have a job before Idol? He worked at a grocery store and helped at the tanning salon.

Someone asks James if he played with a band before American Idol. Yes, he's always in bands. Many of them. And he's really, really busy and talented and super cool. Didn't you know?

Haley is asked who her all-time favorite past Idol contestant is. She's beating around the bush and finally comes up with....ADAM LAMBERT BECAUSE OF HIS UNIQUENESS. Y'know that previous comment about me not hating her as much if she stopped pooping on stage? I now retract that statement. I will never not dislike her. She also likes Siobhan and Kelly, oh, and Lee and Crystal, since Crystal is here and everything...

Results. Do we have to? Ryan is going to call out the top 6 individually.

Haley first. She should be safe, based on last night. Recap video. On the rewatch, I don't like it as much as last night. Jimmy Iovine thinks Jennifer is right that Haley has one of the best voices in the competition. Well yeah, when you compare it to Scotty and Jacob. So if "one of" means "one of 4" then, sure. He also thinks she doesn't know who she is. Neither do I. Haley apparently just said something worth bleeping. The judges look unimpressed. Ryan wants to know what she thinks about what Jimmy said. Haley: "About me not knowing who I am? Well then...*sigh*...somebody tell me huh? I know who I am. I just have different things going on." Me: " you're weighing your options? Yes. Very decisive about who you are as an artist." She's safe. Blerg.

Scotty is up. He should be safe because of last night. It was actually really pleasant. The rewatch confirms. Jimmy Iovine tells us not to tell Scotty to spread his wings because if Johnny Cash were on the show we wouldn't tell him to spread his wings because he'd look at you funny. He also thinks Scotty's subtleties will be lost because this environment is not conducive to subtleties. First of all, Johnny Cash would punch you in the face, or laugh at you, or just ignore you. But he definitely wouldn't look at you funny. Secondly, when did Scotty warrant a comparison to Johnny Cash? And finally, true. American Idol is only conducive to mediocre singers claiming to be musicians, who get by on looks, popularity, and being "cool." *Sigh* Scotty agrees with Jimmy Iovine. Ryan tells Scotty to go back and sit down and he'll tell him the results later.

Lauren is next. On the rewatch, this is still awkward. Jimmy tells us that Lauren needs to hear the positive in a critique, not just the negative. He also thinks Lauren is here for the long run. Lauren thinks Jimmy is right about needing to focus on the positive. Lauren is going to wait on the couch of uncertainty.

Casey is next. He should be safe. But the American public is completely stupid. On the rewatch, this is still fantastic. Incidentally, maybe the sax player is the kiss of death. She played with Paul and he went home. And now, this. Jimmy thinks Casey will go on to be a great singer songwriter. But he was disappointed that Casey growled and the family dog does not vote on the show. I disagree. He's going to go wait too. So based on this, my assumption is that Casey, Scotty, and Lauren are the bottom three.

James is up. On the rewatch, it still irritates me. Jimmy Iovine says that when James sings heavy metal, it's not believable. When he sings songs with melody, it's better. It all comes down to song choice. I'll buy that. I don't have to like it, but I'll buy it. He's safe.

JacobPaul who should be going home but isn't for some unspeakable reason. He also looks like a fat Steve Urkel in the get-up from last night. Jimmy calls him out on the ridiculous get-up saying he thought he went on DWTS, which is right next door. He also says American Idol is not just about the voice, it's about the whole package and that Jacob could be going home. I believe the exact quote is "He's on banana peel status." Love Jimmy Iovine. Jimmy also says the judges have to stop comparing the contestants to themselves in previous weeks and start comparing to each other. He also reminds everyone that there is only one winner of American Idol. I love how when Jimmy says something that's obvious and he's really irritated that he has to even say it he looks away like, "Is anyone even listening to me? I feel like I'm talking to a wall." Ryan calls the 3 unknowns back over so JacobPaul, Casey, Scotty, and Lauren are up for debate. Ryan sends Lauren back, and we now know that JacobPaul, Casey, and Scotty are in the bottom 3.

Bruno Mars is singing in his living room with his buddies. Who said he sounds like Paul? He sounds better than Paul. Granted, I didn't watch the whole performance.

So the bottom three. Ryan makes a point to say that results are in random order. JacobPaul is safe. He is just as shocked as the rest of us. Scotty thinks it's him. Casey seems to know it's him. That's strange. James is totally shocked and makes a crazy face. I'm not making fun of him, I'm just saying. Haley looks less than surprised, which is not the reaction I expected. Randy can't figure it out. Now we're watching Casey dance on a countertop. Ryan says this is what talent looks like. He couldn't be more correct. Ok, now Haley is crying. More appropriate response.

Casey is running around kissing everyone singing "I Put a Spell on You."

To be honest, I have no idea if I can really bring myself to watch anymore. I would like to say that I still think my original prediction of Lauren winning is accurate, but I'm pretty sure America will figure out a way to ruin that too.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

If We Can't Scuba, What Has This All Been About??

The Shiny Twins and Yo Dawg have entered the building for an exciting night of...Carole King? Really? Also, Randy Yo Dawg has his very own letter sweater circa 1950.

Can I just let you know that old ladies holding up signs declaring their love for Steven Tyler freak me out to no end? It's just not good.

Carole King plays the piano with head movements like Animal from the Muppets. It's kind of awesome. So she's written songs for a bunch of people AND she sings her own music? Coolio. Still not sure it's a great choice for the kidlets, but let's go. She did a compilation with James Taylor. Which makes her that much more awesome.

Oh my hey. What is Jacob wearing???! It looks like...I don't even know.

Also, something named Babyface is helping Jimmy Iovine this week. Jimmy Iovine does not need help.

Anyway, Jacob is up first and Jimmy tells him he has to go all out. Please don't go all out. In rehearsal he's having problems. Jimmy thinks he's an incredible singer but he's in the most jeopardy. It looks like the African American Mr. Noodle from Sesame Street. That's what it looks like. Anyway, he's singing a song called "Oh, No, Not My Baby" and pretending that he likes girls again. And he's poo squatting and screaming at the same time, which is not good for anyone involved. I do enjoy the horn section. Ok, here's what I have to say. There were two terribly sharp notes that are probably going to be overshadowed by the gyrations and facial expressions and gettin' down that just went on. He just irks me to no end. Steven: "We all knew you could sing, it's just about time you shook your tailfeathers. That character is what we've been looking for." Paul: "No. It's really not." Jenny from the Block: "There were spaces where it wasn't perfect." Me: "GASP! Someone is addressing the problems?!" Jenny from the Block: "But you saved it and it was great." Me: "Guess not." Randy Yo Dawg: "The guys said it, there were some spots that were sharp. The scatting was incredible." Me: "It was just a'ight for me, for you."

Lauren is going to sing "Where You Lead." Jimmy Iovine and Babyhead tell her to sing a high note. She sings the high note and HELLO! she should be singing that ALL the time. Lauren was starstruck when she met Hannah Cyrus. Paul was very ferklempt. He loves Hannah Montana, can't stand Miley Cyrus. What show was this the theme song of? She has awkward dance moves. And now she awkwardly got some dude to come sit on the stage while she sings about following him around. It was good. It wasn't great. But it was good. Jenny from the Block: "It brings tears to my eyes because I felt you pushing." The song was Gilmore Girls. Hello?! I'm an idiot. Or at least not a true Gilmore Girls fan. Randy Yo Dawg: "She came out with a little extra swagger. Throw down the gauntlet every time. What you did today, I don't know if I loved it for you, but I loved that you came up with a vengeance. Miley said something important, do it for you." Me: "Miley did not say anything important. Take it back." Steven Tyler: "I saw you shine when your voice broke. Keep shining, the breaking shows the character in your voice." Lauren is crying. Turns out the guy Lauren brought up on stage is 19. That's not why she's crying, but still...CREEEPERRR.

The first duet of the evening is Casey and Haley. Why, oh why is this happening?? They lurve each other. I'm going to puke. They're singing "I Feel the Earth Move Under My Feet." Oh my hey, I love this? And yes, the ? is intentional. Just goes to show, Casey makes people sound good. Sigh. Well, at least there's still hope that JacobPaul will go home. Steven Tyler: "Hey weird beard, how much do you love Haley? It showed, man. There wasn't anything about that I didn't like. Haley, gorgeous, nothing but good." Evidently, only one judge gets to weigh in on the duets.

Scotty is going to crash and burn. I predict. He's singing "You've Got a Friend." This is surprisingly pleasant. But the judges will tell him it was safe and not enough to stay in. I disagree. I think he did exactly what he needed to do to get little girls and old people to vote for that sweet little country boy's face. Randy Yo Dawg: "So Scotty, dude, you know listen, you know what was really cool about this, I'm going to slow it down, I'm going to do a whole tender moment thing, the beginning was flawless. Just one criticism, don't fall off the high notes, just gently let it come down." Steven Tyler: "I gotta echo what Randy said, when you were just singing at the top of the register, it's because you were really at the top of your register. I don't think you ever sang better." Jenny from the Block: "When we hear you sing a song like that, that's why we couldn't let you get away with what you did last week. In the beginning, you couldn't go there at all, I think it's beautiful to see you doing that."

Why is Ryan having a Coke moment with James? It's always James or JacobPaul. I frankly, do not care what either of them have to say. James is going to sing a love song. He is singing "Will You Still Love me Tomorrow?" I have an answer to that. NO! James says he thinks he can put on as big of a show with just being himself. Does that mean he hasn't been himself when he's been traipsing about pretending to be Adam Lambert? Jenny from the Block is freaking out. He's screaming again. I'm just really tired of him. He's now DEMANDING that I love him tomorrow. You are not the boss of me, James Durbin! The judges are freaking out in unison. Steven Tyler: "You hear that, you got them again. That was good, I really liked the beginning of that. That was the first song I ever made out with a girl to." Jenny from the Block: "It was magical. You had me moving up here for the first time tonight. You've had a strong week every single week." Randy Yo Dawg: "All night I've been saying who is in it to win it." Me: "It hasn't been just tonight, Dawg. It's been since Season 1." Randy:"You proved that you can sing, you're not just a rocker. You might just win the whole thing."

Lauren and Scotty are singing a duet. All together now, PREDICTABLE! They're singing "Up on the Roof." It's cheesetastic and Lauren is DEFINITELY the better singer in that combo. Jenny says Lauren sang her brains off and Scotty, you did good too. Ouch.

Casey is singing "Hidey-Ho" made popular by Blood, Sweat, and Tears. Paul's Sax player is back! I love it. I love it. It's crazy Casey, back at last. I love it. Randy Yo Dawg: "I love that you bring something new every week." Steven Tyler: "You found your niche. Nestled in all this American Idol stuff, you really work the stage well, it was the best mother...lovin' show I've ever seen. You made my scalp itch." Jenny from the Block: "You were in your element. I'd like to see you loosen up your body." What? No. It was fine the way it was.

Haley is going to sing "Beautiful." This song is strange. It's pretty-ish, but it's strange. And I enjoy her more than I have in previous weeks. Steven Tyler: "You are as beautiful as everything that song is. You nailed it just now." Jenny from the Block: "Beautiful. You have one of the best voices in this competition." Me: "Do you mean LEFT in this competition, or in general?" Randy: "I didn't like the beginning, the end was better." Me: "Uh, ok."

James and Jacob are going to sing "I'm into Something Good." They are not into anything good. They are into something very very bad. They sang to Jenny from the Block, pulled her chair out, spun her around, she nearly had a wardrobe malfunction. Steven Tyler: "I don't know that it was as great of a performance as it should have been, God knows you can sing, but man, where were you goin' with all that?" Me: "I love Steven Tyler! If I was an old lady, I would make him a disturbing sign!"

Haley (I know)
James (I know)

Bottom three: JacobPaul, Haley, Lauren. I think JacobPaul will go home finally.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

I can't help it.

Ok, so I can't help it. I have to blog it.

J-Lo is yet again, shiny. And so is Steven Tyler.

Randy has no idea what will happen. He's biting his nails about it.

Jenny from the Block hopes a girl does not get eliminated tonight. Marc thought the kiss was a cute moment.

Steven Tyler is going to give Tre, the editor something to worry about.

JacobPaul, Stefano, Lauren and Haley are singing "Hey, Soul Sister." Haley looks like an upside down pumpkin in that get up. This is just ok. It's a little cheesetastic.

I almost missed the Ford commercial. That would be terrible.

Casey, Scotty, and James are singing "Viva La Vida." So help me. Scotty is either not actually singing or has learned to sing unlike a country bumpkin for once in his life. And they're pointing a lot. James keeps pointing at me. Stop pointing at me. That was actually kind of amazing. Also, does anyone else feel that it's weird when the contestants sing behind the judges and the judges just continue to face forward and pretend nothing is happening?

JacobPaul is getting an opportunity to fire back after being called a diva. Uhm. Simply the fact that you're getting an opportunity to "fire back" due to a joke makes you a diva. Who do you think planned this opportunity, pray tell? Most likely JacobPaul, Diva Extraordinair. Also, JacobPaul thinks that the contestants were talking about his notes when they called him a diva. No, dude. No. Music is not referred to as "diva-ish." They were talking about your general persona and your telling America to look themselves in the mirror. Oh, and your blaming your inability to sing on pitch on the fact that you "can't hear." And then your continued inability to sing on pitch when you have not one but two in-ear robot monitors. There's probably other stuff too.

Scotty just said he can't wait to go home. A cupcake was named after him. No word on the tornadoes. Just the cupcake thing. Sheesh.

Casey got a painting of himself and his dog (like a real dog, not THE Dawg) on an acoustic bass. It's from a fan that he can't pronounce the name of.

Casey and Jacob are standing up next to the couches of uncertainty. Ryan is recapping everything, again, and says that Jacob sang "Dance with Me Father." That's the Scottish version of the Luther Vandross original "Dance with MY Father." Oh, and apparently the flub last night that everyone thought was emotion was a problem with the track. See what I mean? Diva. ARGH. Anyway, Casey is safe, thankfully. JacobPaul is in the bottom three. Yeah Baby! To the Tool Stools with you!

And now, David Cook, one of three marginally successful American Idol winners. Dear James Durbin, that's a rocker who is not a psycho. That's what they look like. Try emulating him, not Lamebert. David's Mom just met Steven Tyler. I love David Cook. He's possibly my favorite Idol winner.

The Idol contestants went to a Dodgers game. stupid. I hate the Dodgers and don't really care who knows it. They also went bowling. James is a terrible bowler. They also went to a spa.

Lauren, James, and Stefano are lined up. Stefano is obviously in the bottom three.
Apparently someone from Muse said "Wow. Great job." Sounds fishy. Stefano heads to the Tool Stools and Lauren and James head to the couch of safety.

Pumpkin head and Scotty are up. I HOPE Haley is in the bottom three. But based on performances, it should be Scotty. What is a NEESH, Ryan? It's NICHE. With a "ch" at the end. Scotty is safe. Haley is headed to the Tool Stolls. Scotty may win this whole thing based solely on teenagers.

Ryan sends Haley back to the couch of safety. BAHA! Even her parents were surprised by this news!

Katy Perry is performing. Except that I'm confused by the Kanye of it all. She seems to be channeling Lady Gaga with this crazy. Yep, and it's Kanye. And I'm out because he's a disgusting individual. You know, other people have had better performances before...oh wait, am I interrupting you Kanye?

So it comes down to JacobPaul and Stefano. I really honestly forgot that Stefano was a wildcard contestant. Stefano is out. So close, for JacobPaul. Dear America, please get rid of JacobPaul or Haley next week. James is very torn up about this elimination. Stefano just wants to sing, man. I forgot about him singing this song. I still don't like it. Dude, James is like openly weeping. What is happening? And now he's practically tackled him and spun him around on stage. Something strange is going on.

Next week the Top 6 will sing the songs of Carole King. Looks like Scotty is going down.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Excuse Me for Growing a Baby

So I was totally exhausted last night and went to bed, without watching or voting for American Idol. Let's hope America gets it right this week, for their sake.

I'm also eating cereal as I watch this weeks performances. So the beginning commentary will be limited. Scratch that, I paused it so that I could adequately gather my thoughts.

First off, Jenny from the Block is shiny. Again. Does the woman own ANY clothing that does not allow her to see her own reflection? I mean, really.

Ryan is letting us know that even though they're gone, they're not forgotten and now we "get to" listen to Ashthon, Naima, Karen, Pia, Thia, Paul sing "So What." I enjoy this song. It's at the point where Ashthon begins to impersonate Betty Boop that I pause. Quite honestly, I'm not sure I want to subject my unborn child to this travesty. Luckily, it's teeny tiny at the moment and will most likely be unaffected. Oh, this just gets worse and worse. The girls are all feigning anger and Paul walks out awkwardly wearing the same mariachi suit he had on last week and starts singing the bridge. Pia joins in with some very flat notes (granted, Paul contributed to that), and now Paul is just SAYING the words to the chorus and not even pretending to sing them! I think Paul may have the desire to never be seen or heard from again after being forced to participate in that. What, pray tell, was the purpose of that performance?

It's 21st Century night. So there should be some real gems in the song choice department...

The other contestants are describing each other. Spare me.

Scotty is being ridiculed for how he holds his microphone. Way to jump on that train, Idol. Scotty is going to sing "Swingin'" by Leann Rimes. And he's already smirktastic in rehearsal. Gah. Jimmy says Scotty is doing what he does, because that's what he does. ANNNND he's entering from the stairs. Gah. Ok, based solely on Scotty's facial expressions, I feel like if he was about 30 years older he would be considered a creeper. Paul thinks he's going for the record of most eyebrow lifts in a song. This was strange. Steven Tyler loves everyone involved with that song. Jenny from the Block loves Scotty's storytelling, but she thinks maybe Scotty needs to pull out the big guns. She also thinks he had a whole decade of songs to choose. Randy Yo Dawg: "It was safe, for me for you." Also of note, at first glance I thought Randy Yo Dawg was wearing one of those puffy shirts from Seinfeld and I was really excited. Turns out it's just another awkward old man sweater from the Wardrobe de Dawg.

I was only half listening to Ryan's interview with James but all I really got from it was that James has visions. Which explains a lot. The contestants call James the Rocker and they make fun of his scarf tail. Which is probably my favorite moment of the show tonight. Oh, nevermind, they also make fun of his screaming. THAT'S my favorite moment. James is going to show us for the first time that he can be contemporary. For the first time?? You've been mimicking Adam Lambert the entire season. What, exactly, is the definition of contemporary?? He's going to sing a "Muse" song. Which means zero to me. He's walking in with a drum corp wearing a military inspired costume singing about anarchy from what I can gather. Very contemporary. It's totally different from anything he's ever done before. Oh good, now it's over. Jenny from the Block is saluting him and states that it was theatrically the best performance of the night. Theatrically. Not musically. Randy Yo Dawg loves Muse and thinks James is unbelievable. Steven Tyler: "Mad Max, meets Storm Troopers on Melrose. It was crazy good. You're going in a T-Rex direction." Steven has something red on his cheek. I don't know what.

Haley is up next. Goody. The contestants are pointing out that she waves her arm around, and growls. Stefonso (see previous post) says she's a brat and they have a love-hate relationship. I have a newfound appreciation for Stefonso. She is going to sing Adele's "Rolling in the Deep." How unfortunate for this song. Take it back, I don't hate this. I do hate her dress though. Randy Yo Dawg is looking for what direction the contestants are going to go as an artist. He thinks Haley chose the right song, in spite of a couple of sharp moments. Steven Tyler thought it was great as well. Jenny from the Block thinks she did amazing. I wouldn't say amazing, but I'd say it's my least hated performance of hers so far.

JacobPaul is going to sing Luther Vandross. Sigh.

The contestants are calling him a diva!!!!!!! That's fantastic!!!! He's singing "Dance with my Father." He's crying. This is actually potentially good. There were some really bad, really pitchy moments in that. And no one will address it. Also, there were some really great moments as well. Steven Tyler tells him he heard him lose the track and have a little moment, but he pulled it together and did well. Jenny from the Block says that emotionally it was beautiful. What about MUSICALLY people? Who cares about the emotion??? Randy Yo Dawg tells him he agrees and he wants the old Jacob back. I want any trace of Jacob to leave the show.

Casey is up. The contestants think Casey is weird. They also think he's talented. Uh-duh. He's going to sing "Harder to Breathe" by Maroon 5. Jimmy Iovine is proud of him. Every week I think to myself, "Self, maybe Casey really isn't all that great. Maybe you just hate everyone else so much that you're forcing yourself to like him." But then I watch his performances. And no. He's actually that great. This is a true musician. And he has just enough crazy in this performance, that it's not too overpowering. Who said that James was the only rocker on this season?????? Cause I'm pretty sure that Casey is rockin' this. He even kissed Jenny from the Block. On the cheek, but still. Jenny from the Block: "See now, Casey's not playing fair. Casey got soft lips." Steven: "You did what I been tryin' to do for 4 months." Jenny from the Block: "The performance was great. Good job." Randy Yo Dawg: "I love that it's always about surprise, surprise, surprise. I was worried about the song choice. Continue to take chances. I loved it." Steven Tyler: "expletives." I have no idea what happened. And Ryan is now wearing the Casey beard. That was awesome. I would have voted for at least an hour and a half. Ryan just removed the beard and said "This is what it feels like to be a man?" You said it, not us.

PIRATES! With Penelope Cruz? Bah.

Stefonso is up. Apparently he's a flirt. He's singing "Closer" by something called a Neo? I'm. Nothing. Turns out I've heard this song. I feel like this is a good song for him. I just don't really care for it. Randy Yo Dawg: "Wow. Stefano, Stefano. I thought it was going to be rough, but you turned me around." Steven Tyler: "Good job, man." Jenny from the Block: "You owned the song. I really really liked it."

Lauren has an accent. That's amazing. And she likes to talk. She's singing "Born to Fly" by Sara Evans. Lauren gets intimidated by other people. She's singing well. But she's moving awkwardly. Also, she has an awkward fiddle player boy. Steven Tyler thinks she is so good naturally, but she should sing Allison Krauss, Shania Twain, or Faith Hill. Jenny from the Block thinks she can break out and sing crazy big notes like "everyone" else. See, now, I think that's wrong because "everyone" else is singing big notes that are not on pitch. So if she can sing the big notes and be on pitch, super. Otherwise, don't try it. Randy Yo Dawg: "You can do it!"

Ok, here's the thing. I already know that Stefonso went home. And honestly, my bottom three would have been Stefonso, Scotty, and Haley. I have to go to bed, though so I'm not gonna bother to find out who else was in the bottom three. Also, I'm probably not going to do any blogs on the results, unless there's some crazy antic that happens on the show. So, try to compose yourselves, and until next week, I'm out.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Take that!

It's elimination night. 2 days late. I'm sorry, people, but this pregnant lady knocks out early these days. Something about growing a person...I'm not sure.

The judges are talking about how fantastic the performances were. I just really didn't see it. The only one I got really excited about was Casey. The rest were just a'ight for me for you dawg.

Ok, Jenny from the Block has some serious wardrobe difficulties on this show. She dresses like it's the Grammy's every night. It's just American Idol, J-Lo.

Ryan says there were 53 million votes. Which, according to my calculations means that 200 teenagers voted at least 150 times each. I know I only voted 15 times for Casey so...

Oh, Lord. We're doing that stupid many group sing thing again. Scotty and Lauren are singing "American Honey." Scotty's twang is seriously grating on my last nerve. Lauren, however, looks and sounds phenomenal. Paul: "She loves those soul crusher earrings." Their harmony was a little out of tune, but it was cute.

I'm not sure about this video. They are zombies. It makes me frightened. It also made me chuckle.

Casey and Haley are singing "Moanin." And to say that Haley is significantly worse than Casey is the worst understatement anyone could ever make. I would watch it again simply because Casey was amazing, but Haley just annoys me too much. Casey sang her up, down, left, right, inside out and right side out. Also, I seriously hope the rumor that their dating is not true. Because she is bad news. Oh, and Haley's hair is awful.

Casey, Haley, Lauren, and Scotty are finding out results. Scotty is safe. See? 200 teenagers. One of the other three are in the bottom three. It better be Haley. Lauren is safe. Haley better be in the bottom three. She is! America gets it right! For once.

Rob Reiner (Meathead)is going to teach the Idols....I have no idea what. Meathead is trying to be funny. He's not. Ok, he's a little bit funny. Casey and Haley want to be actors. Casey, yes. Haley, no. Please, please no. I have one thing to say to Rob Reiner, "Stifle, Meathead!"

Jason Aldean and Kelly Clarkson, Queen of Idol. That man is very enthusiastic about shaking that shaker. It's just a shaker dude. I really have no thoughts on this performance. Kelly Clarkson can definitely sing.

Kelly just called Ryan out for rephrasing her tweets about Casey. The whole thing was just strange.

Stop. Just stop it. Paul, JacobPaul, Stefano, and James are going to sing Simon and Garfunkel's "Sound of Silence" and "Mrs. Robinson." This should be delightfully atrocious. Paul: "Who sat up here and thought, I think Jacob, James, Paul, and Alfonso will harmonize really well?" Me: HIS NAME IS NOT ALFONSO. IT'S STEFANO!!!!! And really, who else would you combine from this group? You've got diva-boy, I can't do anything but scream boy, I may or may not be on drugs boy, and I can't believe I'm still here boy. What from that group would make a good combination??"Oh, good. Now we have JacobPaul effeminately clapping. The only one who is suitable to sing Simon and Garfunkel is Paul McDonald. Admit it. I was right. That was delightfully atrocious.

Boy Kieran has dimmed the lights. Paul and Stefano should be in the bottom three. My Paul thinks Alfonso and James are going to the bottom three. He's wrong. James is safe to make me want to jam forks in my ears another week. Stefonso is in the bottom three. Jacob is safe. Paul is in the bottom three. Jacob tells Paul they're roommates for life. Ick.

That's what Chaka Khan looks like? Interesting. Apparently, it's also hot in the Idol studio. Chaka has a fan. Rihanna is singing. She confuses me. I'm not sure why. So anyway, that's over.

Here we go. Bottom three. Haley is safe. That's ok, we'll get her next week. Casey seemed way too happy about that. Paul is out. Congratulations, Craig. And, may I say, in your face Vote for the Worst people. Truth be told, Paul is a musician's musician close to the same caliber as Casey. I know many will disagree but he's not all smarmy and cookie cutter and irritating like, oh say, JacobPaul and Haley. That and he reminds me of Jack Sparrow. It's kind of a bummer to see him go. I would much rather have seen Haley or Jacob get the boot. Ah, well. Maybe next week.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


Jennifer Lopez is the world's most beautiful woman. According to People magazine anyway. I happen to think her dress this evening is ridiculous.

You know what else is ridiculous? Ryan's haircut.

Here they are. The top 6 plus Haley and Jacob. It's music in the movies week.

Oh Paul, again with the crazy suit?? Really?? He treats all of his songs like they're his encore. William is still here? Why is William still here? He's going to sing "Old Time Rock and Roll." From "Risky Business." This could be awesome. Except for his suit. Also, don't clap onto the microphone Paul. Nice saxophone girl. This is actually fairly awesome. Yay Paul! My Paul voted for that Paul. Steven likes the sax player. He would. He also wants to borrow the suit. And he loved it. Jenny from the Block thinks Paul is abandoning ship and polishing diamonds. He killed it and good job. Randy Yo Dawg thinks we just witnessed the first number at the Paul McDonald concert. Ryan makes a sax=sex joke. Not funny Ryan.

Lauren is going to sing a Miley Cyrus song. She's singing "The Climb" from the Hannah Montana movie. Jimmy Iovine said Lauren is a much much stronger singer than Miley Cyrus. Uh, DUH. Jimmy also tells Lauren to steal Pia's votes. William says she's going to bring the house down. With a Miley Cyrus song. HAHA! She looks her age tonight, finally. And this song really does suit her voice. Who sang this last year? Somebody sang and butchered this song last year. But I can't remember who. This was weaker than I wanted it to be. Could just be the fact that the song is terrible. It really is a terrible song. Jenny from the Block loved hearing her sing it. You would. Lauren has a tear (like a crying tear, not a tear in her pants) in her voice. Randy Yo Dawg loves that the original Lauren is roaring back. I believe that. Steven Tyler "Lauren you were the first Idol we thought...........................of. In the very beginning when you tried out. You moved me beyond tears." Lauren loves that song because it screams Idol. No it screams annoying. Can I just say her Mom has large hair? Like, really large hair.

Stefano is up. Paul called him Alfredo earlier. Stefano is focused on becoming a better performer. Glad someone is. Stefano thought he was going home last week. Us too, dude. William is growing on me. Jimmy gives him a hard time because he thinks he can win. I don't know, dude I'ma have to disagree with you. He's singing a Boyz II Men song from the movie "Boomerang." To which I say, "who and the what now??" It's boring and the same as he always does. Randy Yo Dawg just name dropped someone from Boyz II Men, but I have no idea how to spell his name. Stefano is in it to win it. Steven Tyler thinks Stefano knows how to milk a song and it's the beginning of the road. Jenny from the Block says he's got it. That he is now singing to win, not just to stay.

Scotty is going to sing "Cross My Heart" from "Pure Country." It's by George Strait. So it's probably a great song. Scotty is just so EARNEST when he sings. Like really over the top earnest. It would appear that many contestants have had haircuts this week. Paul and Scotty both have new hair. Either Scotty or the background singers are out of tune or off tempo or something. Oh, it's Scotty. He's flat. That's a bummer. This is annoying and boring. And Scotty is continuing to smirk and twang. Oh that "mine" note is pitchydawg. I feel like he knows it, too. Steven just loves Scotty's voice and America loves it too. That's the second time now that Steven has decided what America will say. Jenny from the Block says we want them to be tough but they're all just so good. No, Jenny they're not all just so good. You all just refuse to be "ohnest" like Simon. Sigh, I miss Simon. Randy Yo Dawg loved George Strait on Scotty and loves that he stays with his roots. I could not disagree with the judges more on this one. If there was ever a time to cite someone for being pitchydawg, it's now. Ryan just failed at an attempt to embarrass Jenny from the Block with the "most beautiful girl in the world" song again. That was an epic fail. Hilarious.

Casey is up. I've already voted for him at least 15 times, so all you haters can relax... Casey Abrams is going to sing a song by Nat King Cole. Love. He's going to sing with the bass. Love. "Nature Boy." Oh no, Jimmy Iovine is telling him to sing Phil Collins instead. What the heck??? Casey says no. He's doing "Nature Boy." Way to stick by your gut Casey. Jimmy is going to throw it down. This is incredible. Who hated this????? Oh, this is delightful. This kid is a MUSICIAN. The scatting?????? The...that....WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.........Jimmy Iovine was Dead. Wrong. Jenny from the Block told him he wouldn't win a popularity contest with this song. That works for me, because this is a SINGING COMPETITION. Jenny from the Block thinks Casey brings a special thing to music. Randy Yo Dawg is happy there are real, true artists on the show. Ah-yup. Herbie Hancock, Charles Mingus. Brilliant. The world cannot live by popstars alone. Well said, Randy Yo Dawg. Steven Tyler just said a bunch of gobbledygook that I do not have the energy to repeat. But he does throw Jimmy Iovine under the bus. Also, I don't think his shaking and crying is a "routine" by any stretch. I think he genuinely loves to perform and would be performing regardless of American Idol. And he genuinely is shocked and grateful that we (most of us) appreciate his genuine musical talent. That's my genuine feeling.

Haley is up. I hate her. Sorry. She feels that she is for sure growing as an artist. I feel that she is for sure growing more annoying each and every week. She is singing "Call Me" from "American Gigolo." Shameful ploy for votes if you ask me. Poo squat count is already high. And what's happening with the terrible boots? She looks like a lady of the evening. Sorry if that's harsh. This is like watching a trainwreck. She seriously and for real looks like she's on drugs. I obviously loved it. Or not. Randy Yo Dawg did not love it. He thinks it was karaoke. He's right. Steven Tyler agrees! Wait. What? But now he loves it. I'm confused. Jenny from the Block says it wasn't good but then insists that we vote for the girls. The judges don't know what's happening. Song selection is everything. She just figured this out. She's an idiot.

Rob Reiner and Elvira are in the audience. That's strange.

JacobPaul is being put in his place by Jimmy Iovine about the whole "you can't look yourself in the mirror" thing. Yeah. Go Jimmy! JacobPaul is deciding between "Impossible Dream" or "You'll Never Walk Alone." Jimmy tells him he can't be corny right now. Love. So he's going to sing "Bridge Over Troubled Water" instead. What? It's from "The Pursuit of Happyness." Or it's from Simon and Garfunkel. But whatevs. JacobPaul is trying to play the "humble, just grateful to be here" card. It's off-putting and irritating. Paul just said it sounds like he's singing with a mouth full of spit. I happen to think he CAN actually sing. But I've said it before and I'll continue to say it until he finally goes home, he is just so annoying. This is definitely one of the better performances of the evening. But it's a very far second from Casey, in my opinion. Also, he had some major flat notes happening. Which means no one will address it. Steven Tyler apparently just cursed because my TV cut out. He thinks Jacob puts so much of himself into the songs. Jenny from the Block can't even hear that note. That's because no one is supposed to hear that note. Randy Yo Dawg says he puts specialness into his notes. Or something like that. JacobPaul is playing the humble card. Blech.

James is up next. He is going to sing "Heavy Metal" from "Heavy Metal." James is also ignoring Jimmy Iovine. I hope he fails. He also just told Jimmy Iovine "You and I both know you can't see the potential in a hit song, just on the piano." Jimmy Iovine: "Who can't? You think I'm an accident. I've known a song was a hit from somebody just hummin' it." In yo' face, James Durbin. In. Yo. Face. James wants me to give metal a chance. No. Bo Bice is playing guitar with him???? I hate this so much. He's screaming at me. And we're wasting precious singing time watching James gyrate and that scary dude play the guitar. Stu. Pid. Jenny from the Block is screaming "Yo" and thinks that felt really, really, real. I agree with that. It felt really, really, real lame. Jenny basically just said we could have an idol that sings any type of genre. No kiddin', Jenn? Is that how this works? Randy Yo Dawg thinks James did him. Durbin Rocks! No. No. No. Steven Tyler says it was outstanding. James said America asked for it. I didn't. Oh, he also just said whatever we ask for he'll do. Ok, here's my request. STOP. SCREAMING!!!!!!!!!!

JacobPaul (I know, I'm surprised too.)
James (in spite of his antics, he can, in fact sing. He just chose not to this week).

Prediction (I honestly don't know why I continue to predict, I'm always wrong)
Bottom Three: Stefano, Paul, Haley
Going home: If there is any soul left in humanity, Haley. Otherwise, Stefano's time has come.

Friday, April 8, 2011


The elimination is finally here. Not only is it here, it's probably one of my favorite elimination nights. I already know what the result is. And I'm thrilled.

There can only be one winner. Thanks, American Idol.

Ok, can I just let everybody know right now that I don't understand the new fashion trend with the pants that make your derriere look at least 5x larger than it actually is. Pia was wearing them last night and now Jenny from the Block is wearing some. It's not cute.

Constantine and Iggy Pop are going to perform. Wow, very unenthusiastic about that.

Oh, a group sing. Lauren is wearing them too! Stop it!!!! HAHA! Paul and Scotty just sang two different lyrics!!! JacobPaul's dancing is worse than JustPaul's dancing. Just saying. Are there really only 3 girls left? Wow. The tween girls have succeeded again. Ok, Lauren looks like a Grandma in her outfit, Haley looks straight out of the 80's with her acid wash jeans and mesh vest and Pia, for once, looks like a normal person. That was a fine medley except for the parts when I could hear JacobPaul's high harmony sticking out like a sore thumb. BLEND baby, BLEND!

Cheesy commercial. Paul and Pia are stealing an iPad or something.

Russell Brand is coaching them on performance and stage presence. Wow. Because Steven Tyler or even Jenny from the Block would not be a more appropriate choice. Probably had nothing to do with the fact that he has a new movie coming out. The contestants thought he was funny. That's just not true.

Casey, Stefano, and Lauren are up. Out of this group, Stefano should be in the Tool Stools. Kelly Clarkson tweeted that she has a crush on Casey. He's keeping his comments to himself. Awkward. Stefano thinks Jimmy and Randy push him because they want him to succeed. Granny Lauren is safe. Casey is safe. Stefano is on the Tool Stools.

Constantine Maroulis is singing "Unchained Melody." He was on Season 4 and always bugged me a little bit. He just seems creepy. It's actually kind of cool.

Gwen Stefani styled the girls. Note to self, never wear anything Gwen Stefani made.

Paul, Scotty, and Pia are up. Paul thinks he had it easy because he was last. No man, it was awesome. Pia makes people drink. Scotty has flava! Scotty is safe. Pia looks surprised. Paul and Pia are possibly wearing the same pants. Paul is safe. Pia is in the bottom three. Haley looks very disgusted by this news.

Oh this should be good. TMZ is attacking American Idol. And James is trying to fight back. See what happened was some dude told James to tone it down citing his reaction to Hulk Hogan as "teeny bopper meeting Justin Bieber." James then said "look at you!" To which dude replied "You look like you're in Staind." James: "At least I'm in something." See, I don't really think that's a comeback. I think it's just obnoxious. But anyway the other contestants were razzed as well. JacobPaul just asked if a girl was single. I can only assume he's asking for a friend.

James, Haley, and Jacob are up. Out of this group, Haley should be in the bottom 3. Or possibly JacobPaul. Haley and JacobPaul are holding hands. Weird. Can I also just note that JacobPaul is channeling Mr. Rogers with that cardigan. James is safe. Haley is safe. The judges are less than amused. Haley is smarmily jogging over to the safety couch. Ryan reminds us that if we're unsatisfied, we must vote. I did vote. And I'm satisfied.

Iggy Pop is dancing around with no shirt. I'm fast forwarding. Sorry people.

Ok. The moment. JacobPaul is in the bottom three in spite of telling all of us we can't look ourselves in the mirror. Guess that'll show him to run his mouth. Or not. He's safe anyway. So it's down to Pia and Stefano. Now, I'll be the first to admit, Stefano really should go home over Pia. Stefano is safe! He is totally flabbergasted. As are the judges. Including Randy who may or may not have just cursed silently. Jennifer is angry. Randy is gutted. Steven thinks we should not be forgiven. Ok. Maybe I'm just overly emotional at the moment. But I'm officially crying. It really is sad that Pia is going home. This is why we vote people.

She's going to sing again. She's singing "I'll Stand By You." Stefano looks like he's going to throw up. That note was flat people why are you clapping?! Wow. Very sad. Vote for the Worst has struck again.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Distracted AI

I'm a little distracted with this post, but I am loyally blogging for my adoring fans.

Steven Tyler is walking around showing me clothing. Oh, it's the R&R Hall of Fame. Cool. Let's do this.

Evidently it's Rock and Roll night. Otherwise known as James Durbin night.

Jacob is going to sing "Let's Get it On." Oh, no he's not. He's going to sing "Man in the Mirror" by Michael Jackson. And he says if he's in the bottom three it's because we didn't look in the mirror. I did look in the mirror today, actually, and I looked pretty good. So there. He's detached one of the robots from his ear canal. For a second I thought his background singer was Naima. It's not. I wish I hated this. His face and dancing bug me to no end, BUT his voice is good. I'm not, like, screaming about it but he's decent. Steven gives a shout out to the girl who sang with JacobPaul. Apparently she wrote the song? I don't know. Steven says it was beautiful and he left a piece of himself out there. Jenny from the Block says he makes us know if we just think hard enough about what we want, we can do anything. Randy Yo Dawg says he's glad JacobPaul has moral conviction. He does? Interesting. I don't really think that particular MJ song counts as Rock and Roll.

Haley is up. So we're piling the ones I hate the most at the top, eh? Pia is probably next. She's singing Janis Joplin "A Little Piece of My Heart." She's going to connect with me. Please don't. Her growl does work for this song. And so far there have been zero poo...oh wait...there's one. Poo squat. That was my favorite performance of hers so far. Ever. Now we know she can impersonate Janis if this gig doesn't work out. Jenny from the Block thinks she's a contender. She also thinks she'll be around for a minute. Randy Yo Dawg: "We were right. We always are." Yes, Randy you always are. Steven Tyler couldn't find anything wrong with that. Except he said he couldn't find nothing wrong with that. Grammar police.

My boy! Casey. He's singing CCR. Stoked. With the bass. Stoked even more. I love this. Understated but still very Casey. I love the little tiny guitar that man is playing. Is it a mandolin? I should know this. I love this. So much. So so much. Randy Yo Dawg: CCR, John Fogerty, you've made the upright bass cool, ya'll. Steven Tyler: Put some wheels on it and ride that thing around town. You're a true musician. Me: A-yup! Jenny from the Block: That's where you belong. Right there wit your bass. She actually said wit. Instead of with. Casey puts pressure on himself because they saved him. Thanks for reminding us, Ryan.

Lauren is singing "Natural Woman." Naturally. Will.I.Am. who apparently is qualified to give musical advice because he "sings" tells her to be natural. I love her hair. I hate her shorts. She is rockin' this!!!! She seriously and for real has a crazy good voice. Steven Tyler tells her she is now a natural born woman and he thinks she's great. I agree. Jenny from the Block: I wasn't really sure what you were going to do this. But you were amazing. Randy Yo Dawg: You picked one of the hardest songs sung by the queen of soul her herself. The audience has been screaming out "we love you" and "you're amazing" and "marry me" and stuff during the show. It's annoying.

James Durbin is doing something different. I'll believe it when I see it.

Ryan wants to know what the judges think so far. Steven Tyler asks Ryan how the balls of his feet are. Ryan says they're flat. Jenny from the Block says everyone killed it. Randy Yo Dawg wants to know whether Ryan is wearing deodorant. I'm pretty sure Steven and Randy are just tired of Ryan asking inane questions all the time.

James is going to sing "While My Guitar Gently Weeps." He thinks this is unexpected. William (I think the periods are arrogant) says it's like everybody else is wearing blue and James is wearing purple. No. No it's not. Apparently the dude playing all the guitars is Jeff Beck. I don't know where I was when I started this post, but I obviously missed that memo. I have to hand it to James, he really does have a lovely voice. Oh, good, there's a scream. So it's not different at all. I much prefer that song when I play it on Beatles Rock Band, thank you very much. But I can appreciate his voice. So there. Jenny from the Block: It's nice to see that side. It makes the Rock and Roll side work. Randy Yo Dawg: I loved seeing the real true emotional side with that. I can tell you're emotional right now. Me: I don't understand. That song is about a crying guitar. Steven Tyler: George Harrison wrote that song. Not only the guitar gently weep, but you did as well. That's a proud moment for you. James was thinking about his family while he sang that song.

I apparently skipped Scotty. So here I go with Scotty. He's singing an Elvis song. William says Country and Rock don't go together. He's apparently never heard Johnny Cash. He's doing the sit on the stairs and smirk thing. It's getting old Scotty. He's so painfully awkward. But it's so painfully adorable. This does nothing for me. Oh my goodness, little children have stormed the stage. Randy Yo Dawg thinks Scotty is in it to win it. Dude. Everyone is in it to win it Randy Yo Dawg. Steven Tyler thought he was all hat and no cattle, but he was wrong. I heard at least 3 people use that saying in Texas this weekend. Jenny from the Block thinks Scotty is funny and that he watches rap. That's insulting to a country boy Jennifer. Not cool, girl.

Ryan is hanging out with Christian Slater. He likes the show. Cool.

Pia is singing "River Deep, Mountain High." William tells her not to be Madonna singing Tina Turner. He tells her to turn on the performance factor. I find that unlikely to happen. WHAT IS SHE WEARING??? She's wearing drapes made into a terrible jumper. She had some great notes. She had some horrible notes. She was a little less awkward than I expected, but still awkward. And she landed 4 planes. Steven Tyler: Murderer, murderer. You killed it. People are getting drunk because of you. Jenny from the Block: You can sing uptempo! I want you to research great performers so you can get to the next level. You are spectacular. Randy Yo Dawg: We all believe in you. You showed me what I already knew. Ryan thinks she looks seamless. I see the seam in that horrible jumper right now!

Stefano is singing "When a Man Loves a Woman." William tells Stefano to get in front of the song and lead it. I'm a little bit excited for this song. He is another one with a wickedly beautiful voice, but lacks a little bit of stage presence. His falsetto is delicious. Jenny from the Block knew he had it in him and it was beautiful. Magic. Randy Yo Dawg wasn't jumping up and down because the beginning was jerky. I sort of agree. Steven Tyler liked the old timey, thinks Stefano has a great range and he nailed it. It was good. Not like, top of the night, good. But good.

Paul McDonald is next. He's singing Folsom Prison Blues. Oh, honey. This better not suck. I love me some Johnny Cash. Jimmy Iovine: "There's nobody in history that is cooler than Johnny Cash." Again, I say, I love Jimmy Iovine. Jimmy and William want Paul to be crazy. Easy. Oh Mylanta. This is awesome. PAUL IS BACK!!!!! YEAH BUDDY!!!!! I love that he gets the crowd excited! THAT'S a performer, Pia!!!! WOW! It's too bad I'm watching this the day after you can vote. I got distracted last night, what can I say? Randy Yo Dawg: "Three words. I LOVED IT!" Steven Tyler: "You're a crazy character, I loved it." Jenny from the Block: "Right in your lane." Ryan just referred to Johnny Cash as "hoedown" music. Ryan is stupid.

My ranking

Bottom three: Haley, Paul, Stefano. I think Stefano's time has come. I hope Paul sticks around another week. I could really care less about Haley.