Tuesday, January 31, 2012

American Idol Speed Round

People from outer space or some place are telling us about this round of auditions. Oh wait, now it's Ryan Seacrest. I always knew he was an alien life form.

They are in Houston. Well, HQ is in Houston. The judges are actually in Galveston.

Fong Vu knew the judges right away. As evidenced by him looking over his shoulder and saying "Steven Tyler!...Right...Steven Tyler?" He is not totally "with it." I'm not entirely convinced that he is not disabled. And this makes me angry. I don't enjoy when they put people on that may or may not be disabled, not because I don't think they should have a shot too, but because I know that part of the reason they got put on in the first place is so that they can be mocked and made fun of. It's upsetting. But anyway, Fong loves to sing female pop artists like Selena Dion and Jenny from the Block. He actually referred to Jenny from the Block as Jenny from the Block. And his name is not Fong. It's Phong. Steven Tyler and Jenny from the Block are at least being gentle with him. Randy Jackson is just being a jerk.

Don't mess with Texas.

Montage of terrible. Cameron Dobbins, Lamounte Hall, a kid who tries to be Scotty McReery (why??!!)...wow that was all very strange.

Skylar shoots deer, works in her family's restaurant, and is sweet. I haven't even heard her sing and I want her to win. Seriously. She is VERY country and VERY good. She's through. She will make it to the live show. Guaranteed. I was right about Lauren, remember?

Bailey Brown auditioned in season 6, went to Hollywood, forgot lyrics, went home and now she's back. And her name is Baylie. Why can't people spell names the way they're supposed to be spelled? She's ok. But if you forget lyrics, you're dead to me. Dead. To. Me.

Kristine has 3 kids and is getting divorced. So obviously the logical, responsible thing to do with 3 small children is to audition for American Idol. Oh yeah, and also you should take out a loan, intended to pay your divorce lawyer, and then buy a plane ticket to audition for American Idol instead. Yep, very responsible decision. She's through.

I don't like that the judges just say yes without telling the REASON they like the contestants voices. It's almost like they just go with their gut reaction. Of course it could also be that Nigel holds up a green light or a stop sign. Or that part is edited out.

We're still worried about the International Space Station. I thought the Space Program was dead?

The judges are fighting. Ruh-roh.

Rachael Turner is not great. Jenny from the Block is mad because the boys know she is not great (Rachael, not Jenny) and say no. Reagan Wilson is actually pretty good and the boys say no again. Cheyenne James has a really interesting voice. The boys say no again. I would also like to point out that all three of these young women are what I would consider "average" looking or "only slightly mildly attractive." I will now have my husband, a male, watch. On the rewatch: Paul has classified all three women as either "average" or "mildly attractive." My theory? They did not go through based on this fact. Their voices were at least as good as some of the contestants that had already gone through and were considered more attractive. Lame sauce.

Linda Williams appears to be in pain while singing Alicia Keyes "Fallin'" A)This song is O.VER.DONE. B) She is more worried about doing lots of runs than actually singing the song. C) Paul and I both agree that she is slightly less average looking than the previous three contestants. D) Paul and I also agree that her voice is slightly less pleasing than the previous three contestants. And wouldn't you know it? The boys like her and Jenny from the Block, who's judgment is surprisingly unimpaired this audition round, does not. But because majority rules...Linda is through.

The hair and makeup people are trying really hard to fix Steven Tyler and Jenny from the Block, but they are leaving Randy Yo Dawg alone. I would think he would need just as much fixing as the other two do.

Jenny from the Block: "I was so angry, I literally almost had an anxiety attack." Me: "Being angry does not usually induce an anxiety attack. And also, literally means literally, not figuratively."

Ok, so I'm now almost two weeks behind. So now we will commence with speed Idoling.

The rest of the Texas auditions were ho-hum. I enjoyed the last audition from Texas, the worship leader that sang, "Amazing Grace/My Chains are Gone." But I was hoping for a better performance from him.

Now we're in Portland. Paul has been to Portland. He says there are strange people there. I have friends who live in Portland. They're probably the only not strange people there.

The contestants having Flip video recorders are kind of silly.

Brittany loves Sara Bareilles. She supposedly sang with her on stage. She is clumsy. She has a unique voice. It's really pretty. She's through.

Ben is congested. He's from Philadelphia. I hate Philadelphia. Hate might be a strong word. He's singing Lady Gaga. Yeah, we don't need to listen to this.

Jermaine Johnson is a Momma's Boy. His words. He's tall. He's singing "Superstar" by Luther Vandross. I did not know that was by Luther. Learn something new everyday. He has a nice tone to his voice. When he goes deep the tone of his voice changes completely. He sings the lyric "I love you" as "I luh you." Paul says he likes it. He's not sure it was good, but he likes it. He's through to Hollywood.

Britnee has a large fan club with her. She is a single Mom to two small children, her husband ran out on her. She's singing "You're No Good." Every time someone sings this song on Idol I always think of when someone else did it and Simon told them "You're right, you are no good." Except she was actually pretty good. She's through to Hollywood.

Sam Gershman belongs on Broadway. And by Broadway I mean Broadway in Portland. She's over the top bubbly. They all say no. Which I'm ok with.

David Weed is nerdalicious. And he belongs on Broadway with Sam Gershman. In Portland. He's not going to Hollywood. No kidding.

Ryan and the camera crew just ran by the window hiding in bushes. What?

Romeo is from Liberia. I know this is wrong to say but, again, this is American Idol. Emphasis on the American. He was in Ghana in a refugee camp for several years. He's glad to be in America. His voice sounds like sunshine. He's through to Hollywood. His peeps do not know who Ryan is. HA!

Naomi is singing an Aerosmith song. Which is brave. Since Steven is RIGHT THERE. She is kind of unimpressive. But the judges disagree with me. So what do I know? She's through to Hollywood.

Montage of No followed by montage of Angry. Favorite part? "Don't make me go all Naomi Campbell all over you!"

Ben is an interesting looking person. He is also an annoying person. He says he has played in lots of bands and he gets kicked out because he looks like a baby. Randy questions whether maybe he gets kicked out because he's not very good. The Manbaby says that's not true. The Manbaby has lied. We cannot find anyone for you to love, Manbaby. No one has volunteered for that. He really does look like a baby doll head on a man's body. He's going to be on America's Most Wanted someday.

Jessica Phillips is auditioning next. Her boyfriend had a massive stroke, didn't know who she was when he woke up, and she is now taking care of him. She had a decent audition. Not, like blow my socks off or anything, but it was decent. I can tolerate it.

Now the St. Louis Auditions. Carrie Underwood auditioned here.

Walter the Taxi Driver does not find this amusing. He points out that 20,000 people are all trying to become famous. And that it sure beats working for the day. He's just makin' a point.

Steven Tyler has a ridiculous fan club.

Johnny Keyser is singing "Change is Gonna Come." Which is a little silly because he's white. But anyway. I don't hate him. If he can play the guitar, he will win this show. White, check. Male, check. Guitar, possibly.

Rachelle is a single Mom and she wants to be an American Idol. She was married but her husband held her back from her dreams. Or maybe he just really wanted you to take care of your family. I mean, yeah, I would like to be a musician, but I have a husband and a son and somethings are more important than my own unlikely dreams. Anyway, she has a very country voice. I don't exactly like it. But I don't exactly hate it. She's through. I'm not convinced she didn't get through just because she brought her daughter in with her.

Montage of No.

Glee Club saved Reis' life. Seriously. He's singing "Lean on Me." It's pretty good. But I feel like he will eventually go all David Archuleta on me. I did not enjoy David Archuleta. He also adds "ah" on the end of words. Steven Tyler said he made him cry. Reis is through to Hollywood.

Ethan is a high school dropout. He joined a band with his Dad. That's awesome parenting right there. His Dad is now in drug and alcohol rehab. His voice is nothing special for me for you. And the cut on his eyebrow is very distracting. Randy asks for the vote. Randy: "Jennifer?" Jennifer: "I say yes." Randy: "Randy?" *three second delay* "I say yes." Steven: "And I say yes." Paul: "Wait, wait, wait. Did Randy just call on himself?" Me: "It was his alter ego Yo-Dawg calling on Randy." Anyway, Ethan is through to Hollywood. I hope somebody gives him a bandaid.

Jacob Lusk is auditioning again? Oh, no. His name is Mark. But he is a DEAD RINGER for Jacob Lusk. From the crazy hip action to the over-singing to the lack of pitch. Steven tells him that he loves everything except the melody. So mean. He's been told no. Twice now.

Lauren Grey runs a bridal shop with her family. A one stop bridal shop. She also plays in a band with her Dad, who looks remarkably like Ozzy Osbourne. Lauren is singing an Adele song, she's a little shouty. But the judges love her. Jenny from the Block is crying because it's a song about love. And she's getting divorced. Uh-Gan. She's through to Hollywood. They are promoting Lauren Gray as the next Carrie Underwood since they both auditioned in St Louis and blew the judges away. I say, if she ends up in the finals, it is official that Idol is fixed.

Hollywood week is next week. Well, this week. Whatever.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Round 4: Aspen Auditions

Wow, they really are looking for new cities to go to. Aspen? What, did they decide to use Jenny from the Block's ski lodge for auditions? Sheesh.

Apparently the higher elevation makes the judges act crazy. Yes, it's the elevation. That's all.

Jenni is loud. She teaches music to elementary school students. She reminds me of that one contestant last season that wanted to leave the show last year. She's singing "Heartbreaker" and she's really karaoke. But the judges all love it so she's through. Ugh. She kisses Steven Tyler on the mouth. Someone needs to notify the CDC so she can get checked out.

Curtis Gray is singing a song I don't know the title to. "So Hard to Say Goodbye." Paul knew. I'm not asking questions. It was mediocre. All the judges say yes. Maybe the altitude IS messing with them...

Richie Law is trying really hard to be Scotty McReery. They love it. Which makes no sense since they keep saying they're looking for someone who is different.

Devan Jones has some nice nuances in his voice.

Mathenee (what?) Treco sings with over the top facial expressions/hand gestures. Which I'm a huge fan of.

Talayna has a twin sister. But she has lived in her sister's shadow this whole time. See I thought you could only live in a sibling's shadow if they were older than you. Like, they've gone before you and done things and then a couple years later you come along and do the same stuff. She also wears terrible glasses and an earring in her nose. She's singing a Melissa Etheridge song. Oh that's sad. She probably does actually live in her sister's shadow. Her voice just is not good. I hope her twin sings better. But the twin isn't auditioning.

Haley Smith lives in a log cabin. She has three jobs. She seems sweet. But she's also a hippy. She's going to sing "Tell Me Something." She's super bluesy and a little bit off-key. But she's decent. And I think she's a legitimate talent. She's through to Hollywood.

They don't show a lot of the "no's" these days.

BTW, the preview event of "Touch" with Jack Bauer was intriguing. Bummed we have to wait until 3/19 to see the rest.

Alanna is "22". In another place. She sells "Colorado oysters" which are the reproductive organs of cattle. So that's disgusting. Also disgusting? Her attempt at singing "Jolene" by Dolly Parton. It's like, really bad. So bad, that they show a disgruntled cow. She even knows that she's really bad.

Shelby is from Minnesooooota. She is bipolar. American Idol makes her want to stay on her meds. No pressure, judges. Or America. She says that bipolar doesn't define who you are. But she's using it as her life story to get a sympathy vote from the judges. I have a hard time when people use their diagnoses as crutches or excuses, intentional or not. But anyway, she's singing "Temporary Home" by Carrie Underwood. Which is a no-no in general. She has a decent voice, but it's not the greatest thing I've ever heard. The judges, of course, disagree. They love her. So she's through to Hollywood.

Glee is advertising their Michael Jackson episode. Which I'm pretty sure they've done once or 5 times this season alone. Ok, maybe not 5. But I know they did it once already.

Montage of no.

Ok so this girl is beatboxing. And her beatboxing is pretty good. But she should really go on The Sing Off. Which is the second best singing competition show. Even though they keep kicking off the awesome groups. That last sentence was for Paul.

Apparently the terrible people caused an avalanche. Whoa.

Jairon is going to sing an original song. People told him not to do that, but he has a lot of faith in this song. A lot of faith. So it'll all work out. Wow, that actually wasn't half bad. Jenny from the Block tells him he's a lover. Uh-oh. Husband number 47? He's through to Hollywood.

Angie thinks she is Lady Gaga. So that's....great. She's apparently a vintage glitter queen. I didn't know there was such a thing. She's singing a Broadway number which would have been ok for a show where they're trying to cast a Broadway musical. Randy Yo Dawg hates Broadway musicals. He's dead to me. Jenny from the Block rushes to Angie's defense and asks her to sing something else to shut Randy up. So Angie sings "Blue Bayou" which she claims is not show tuney at all. But then she makes it show tuney. It's a pretty voice but all of her little quirks and whatever are weird. I suspect there would be many "ohmygoshihatethisperformancesomuch" performances from her if she made it to the live shows. Which I doubt. She's through to Hollywood.

Randy Jackson does not like vibrato. So, then, why does he love Adam Lamebert and James Durbin so much?

Magic Cyclops is for SURE an actor. But he's awesome. "I have 11 air guitars but there's a guy in Belgium that has, I think, 5 more than me." If this isn't staged, I don't know what is. This dude is fantastic. Randy Yo Dawg: "Where are you from?" Magic: "Davenport Iowa. This is an Iowan accent (British). I grew up very poor, we only got the local PBS broadcast, and they only played BBC programming." Randy Yo Dawg: "What could you possibly sing for us?" Magic: "Well, it's judges choice day, so you have a choice between Neil Diamond and James Buffet." Randy: "Who?" Magic: "James Buffet." Jenny from the Block:"Jimmy Buffett." Randy is not amused by this. He then proceeds to sing "Cracklin' Rose" and "Margaritaville." Clearly, he is not going to Hollywood but he's entertaining. On his exit interview: "Steven, I've helped put you where you're at. Because I own several Aerosmith CDs. So, do a brother a solid. Call me."

Next up, Houston Texas.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Audition Round 3: San Diego

The crew is in Sunny San Diego, home of the Padres. And the USS Midway, which is where the auditions are being held.

They are doing an "Air Force One" spin off situation. Steven Tyler= Rock Star; Randy=Dawg; and Jenny from the Block= Fly Girl.

There is a person who is going to audition on an airplane and the person next to him doesn't believe him. He looks like Zac Brown. From the Zac Brown Band.

The judges are bemoaning (SAT word) the fact that there are jets flying over them, making it slightly difficult to hear.

The first contestant of the day is not wearing any clothes. Like literally very little clothing. She says she's a patriot and she's totally all American. She's Philipino or Native American or possibly even Hispanic. So ALL is relative. She says she hopes the mail judges are shocked, I mean, she likes Jenny from the Block and all that, but she'd rather have two votes than one. She sings some ridiculous song and it's bad. Even the male judges, who are notorious for putting people through based on their looks (not to mention any names), think it's bad. But she insists that she can sing "Hero" by Mariah Carey because it better suits her voice. So Randy makes her a deal and says if it's bad, they won't even comment, she'll just leave. So she sings and it's bad and she leaves. Randy also said that if she comes in there dressed like that, she better be able to sing. Personally, I don't see how the two are related. But whatevs.

Ashley is a single Mom to a 5 year old. She has two jobs in order to support her kid. She is going to sing "I Will Always Love You." She says it's by Whitney Houston. We all know it's actually by Dolly Parton, but whatever. All I'm sayin' is, Dolly could probably still sing it. Whitney most definitely can NOT. Anyway, Ashley starts singing and I'm underwhelmed. Then she hits the note and I have chills. Then she hits THE the note and I say to myself, "Self, THAT is how you hold notes in the correct key!" Take THAT, girl with the three letter name that starts with a "P" and ends with an "ee-uh." Paul just said that she can sing it better now than Whitney could now. I responded with "Landry (11 weeks old) could sing it better now than Whitney could now." The judges are all applauding. Randy: "Where you been all this time?" Ashley: "Man, I been at home, being Mom, paying bills, I gotta work!" I hope she's consistently good. She's through to Hollywood.

Jayrah Gibson does not have a "B Plan." But he does have a lot of superfluous information. He sings a song that has very little rhythm and very strange lyrics. Jenny from the Block explains that she wants to hear him do more melodic songs. Apparently the song he chose is "rhythmic." I, as a musician, was unaware that you could have a melody with no rhythm or a rhythm with no melody. Learn something new everyday I suppose. Somehow, mysteriously, he's through to Hollywood.

And now the montage of Yes.

Aubrey thinks she's auditioning for America's Next Top Model. And she spells her name with two "ee's" unnecessarily. She's singing "Feeling Good" by Michael Buble. She has an interesting tone. She's through to Hollywood. She's very cheesy and strange. She'll be annoying.

Allie Shields is adorable. She was on the Ellen DeGeneres show because she wrote Ellen a song and wanted to meet her. Ellen sent her to the AMAs where she kissed some celebrities. Ryan found this out and had her kiss some crew members at her audition. I'm just gonna go ahead and point out that Ryan didn't offer to kiss her. Usher kissed her, but not Ryan Seacrest. But Ryan is definitely into girls. Okay. She's going to rap. Which I'm for. But she's not good at it. Then she dances. And she's not good at that either. Then she sings and she's only a little bit good. But she's interesting and strange and, in the words of Randy Yo Dawg "Just crazy enough to make it." Which translates to, "we looked over at Nigel and he was nodding his head like one of those dogs that sits in the back windshield of a beat up Cadillac." So she's through to Hollywood.

Day 2 of San Diego auditions.

Kyle Cruz is a hippy. I know this because he goes to Berkeley. He is in a frat. And he thinks he is a ladies man. He's singing "Angel of Mine" by Monica. He knows he's a dude right? He is singing to Jenny from the Block. Which she is fine with since she has divorced husband number 45 recently. Steven Tyler says he's the best male voice they've heard. He was decent. But he's irritating.

There were many noisy distractions in San Diego during auditions.

Jim Carrey has a child. And no, that is not a random segue. His daughter is auditioning. First glance, I like her. She's going to sing "Something to Talk About," and she's decent. The judges are ripping her about her performance quality. So she's going to Hollywood. I want her to get on the show just so Jim Carrey will be in the audience.

Lots of girls got in. I'm sure they all have wonderful voices and aren't really attractive at all.

Montage of devastation.

Wolf is the guy from the plane that looks like Zac Brown. His name is Jason. But he goes by Wolf. Paul thinks Wolf will win because he's a white guy with a guitar. Racist. Wolf tells Ryan that every female he knows tells him he should kiss Ryan. But he's not going to. Ryan says he's excited for two reasons. 1) He's excited the girls said that and 2) Wolf is not going to do it. Then Ryan hugs him. Uh-huh. He's singing "Midnight Special." And Steven is unimpressed. So am I. Then he sings "Folsom Prison Blues" and plays his "git-fiddle" which is a guitar. "Folsom" starts out fine, but then he says "You want to hear how I do it?" Me: "No. There's only one way to do it. It's been done." He's through to Hollywood.

I feel like they're putting a lot of mediocre people through. But I don't think this is unique to this season.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Audition Round 2: Pittsburgh

The only thing I know about Pittsburgh is that the Steelers and the Pirates play there. I'm ambivalent about the Pirates, but I H.A.T.E. the Steelers. They've never gone to Pittsburgh before. You would think that eventually they would run out of cities to go to for the first time. But not yet.

First up is an Asian guy (no idea what his name is) who is possibly hung over. He doesn't know why he's there or if he's talented. And also, he thinks Ryan's head is a fist. Or something. Oh, there's the explanation, he drank "teas and stuff." Uh-huh. I'm going with he had more of the "stuff" than the "tea." His friends have never heard him sing. This is promising. Heejun. His name is Heejun. He actually sings nice. I type corrected. He's very strange. Very socially awkward. The judges are shocked and they like him. He's going to Hollywood. He's got to lose the "shakey hands" or he's quickly going to turn Pia-esque. For me for you.

The next person is possibly named Reed Grimm. Yes. He was born onstage or something. He's singing the theme song to "Family Matters." No joke. I enjoy the scatting. But I refuse to fall in love with a real musician just to have my heart broken like last season. *cough* CaseyAbramsshouldhavewon *cough*. He's through to Hollywood.

Aaron Marcellus, Chase Likens (has the crazy eyes). I'm for Aaron, but not really into Chase. They're both through.

The next contestant has her sister with her. And her sister is going to plank while she sings. Samantha is the Singer, Patty is the Planker. Look at that alliteration! Samantha sings better when Patty planks. Doubtful. Literally Patty is sitting there planking. Well, I guess she's not exactly sitting...'cause she's planking. Strangely, Samantha the Singer sings well. We've gotta lose Patty the Planker though. Clearly, it was a gimmick to get her in to sing with the judges. Samantha the Singer is through to Hollywood. Not clear on Patty the Planker.

Crayton is from NYC and is unemployed. Maybe that's because he wears bunny ears and Elton John glasses around town. And he has a friend who blows bubbles. He is going to sing an original. Oh boy. Oh, and he spells his name Creighton. Which is uber-irritahting. See how I added an unnecessary h? I think I'll start doing that. Somehow the judges liked that. Jenny from the Block is seeking Lord Nigel's approval. They're freaking out about this guy and I find him extremely absurdly annoying. Figures. Steven Tyler is cursing he's so pleased. They keep comparing him to people and then saying that he is an original. So that makes no sense. I'm going to eat ice cream.

A child who looks like Justin Bieber is going to audition. His name is Eben. Sounds like Evan. He's going to sing "Ain't No Sunshine." His voice is nice. But I find him suited more for Broadway. If he can dance, he'd be perfect for the musical Billy Elliot. But I imagine he would be chewed up and spit out and wiped off the boot of a real superstar in 9.5 seconds flat in the real world.

Travis Orlando!!! I remember him. He was the one with a sad story about how he used to be homeless with his family and now they have a small apartment in the Bronx? Possibly a different location. But anyway, he was good. So here he goes with "Isn't She Lovely." His voice is ok, but it's not phenomenal. Oh, that's a bad move. He dropped out of high school. His Mom apparently walked out on his Dad after he auditioned for American Idol last year. He and his Dad and twin brother moved into a shelter because they were evicted. His Dad is sick on dialysis. So this is it for him. But still, he should finish high school. If the Idol thing doesn't work out, he at least needs to have a high school diploma. Randy Yo Dawg says yes but he has a lot more growing to do. Jenny from the Block says yes and he will keep growing. Steven Tyler says he needs to jump out of his shell. But he's through to Hollywood.

Erica is a mobile DJ and a wedding singer. She's very alto. I can't decide if I like her or not. She's singing "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?" She's very vibrato too. She's going to Hollywood. I'm kind of ambivalent about her.

A lot of people from Pittsburgh went to Hollywood. And Steven Tyler made "comedy" noises with a machine. It's too hard to explain that adequately.

Shane is a coalminer in West Virginia. And we went to W. Virginia to see him, so he's going through. Thanks for the anticipation, there, American Idol. Shane wants to have a stable income, which the judges don't understand. Paul says that's because they're liberals. And also, if he wants a stable income going to audition for a show that he may not win is not really a way to go about that. Steven says not yet. Jenny from the Block says to come back next year. Randy Yo Dawg says to come back next year. Wow. I was wrong. Paul says they didn't put him through because he produces evil energy. Coal. Bummer. And lame.

Hallie Day (probably not her real name) tried to kill herself. Then she met her husband. Which somehow saved her life. And they like to sit next to a river and stare off and contemplate how much of a mismatched pair they are. She's singing "I Will Survive" in a very high key. She is doing a couple of arrangement things that are cool but other than that, she's super sharp in her tone. And she does the poo squat, so she is losing steam with me in a hurry. And her and her husband are very awkward.

There were 38 people put through from Pittsburgh. They're going to sunny San Diego next week. You know what the best part of San Diego is?

The Padres!

Friday, January 20, 2012

Day 1 and 2 Season 11: Savannah

I'll be the first to admit that X Factor was underwhelming for me. I was fine with who won (which is unique), but overall I felt like the show was a rather mediocre attempt at ousting the giant of American Idol. Even Simon Cowell was not as impressive as I hoped he would be. It would appear that he went and got himself a heart, which greatly defeats his overall purpose in life. The one (perhaps two) redeeming qualities of X Factor were Paula Abdul and L.A. Reid. I found them to be the most entertaining/worthwhile of judges. But anyway, we're here to discuss more important things like American Idol.

Oh, and we'll see how long I can keep up this blogging situation. I'll have to blog in approximately 30 minute increments. Because between feeding my 10 week hold human garbage disposal, playing with/changing said 10 week old, getting him to take his nap, feeding myself, bathing myself, and generally keeping my house in somewhat of a non-filthy state, I only get about 30 minutes.

We are now showing all these little children watching American Idol when they were littler children. They are now auditioning for American Idol. Which a) makes me feel old and b) freaks me out because some of these kidlets are 15, which we all know means fun times for me...

Please hold for pacifier replacement.

The auditions are starting out in Savannah, GA. I wonder how many times we'll hear "Georgia" this audition round? The contestants are supposed to document their journey to auditions.

Randy Yo Dawg is wearing terrible shades. Jenny from the Block is shiny as per usual. Steven Tyler looks like a pirate and is walking around with a girl version of him.

David says he's 17 but I don't buy it. I also don't buy that he is not actually Astro from X Factor. This kid's big claim to fame is that he beat Scotty McReery in a talent competition. I don't really think that's an accomplishment, but hey...what do I know. There's a boat right behind the judges that is bobbing up and down. I'm getting seasick. David is singing "Remember the Rain", he sounds like a girl. Since he sounds like a girl, they ask him to sing Michael Jackson. He has three yeses. And the fun begins. Randy Yo Dawg: "You're gonna go where Scotty McReery went." Me: "I
hope he's at least mildly more successful than THAT, Randy."

Can I interrupt and say how pleased Paul and I are at the return of Jack Bauer to television. Granted, he's not playing Jack Bauer but that's not the point.

Gabby is a singer AND a tap dancer. So if this doesn't work out she can go on SYTYCD. She's excited to meet Ryan Seacrest the most. She also wants Steven Tyler to make his "I'm going to go to sleep/I may be slightly inebriated/wow this person is really good" face. Hold up, wait a minute, Nigel Lythgoe (SYTYCD) is sitting in the audition room. So does he like, have some sort of input for the judges, or do they make the decision all on their own? Back to Gabby, she's going to sing "Sunday Morning" by Maroon 5. She has some nice nuances in her voice. I can hang with her. She's through to Hollywood.

Brianna Faulk, Neco Starr (really???), Molly Hunt, Elise Testone are all in. Based on the 5 seconds we saw I would agree with Brianna and Molly.

So far everyone who has auditioned has gone through to Hollywood. Possibly problematic, but Ryan says it's great, so who am I to argue with that indisputable pillar of musical wisdom?

Jessica Whitely is up. She is pretty sure she'll be golden because she sings the National Anthem a lot. ANNNNNNDDDDD....no. She starts out mediocre and then quickly plummets into Kermit the Frog with a very closed throat. Randy Yo Dawg is giving the Gaze of Awful. Steven Tyler says she missed the net. Jessica says she is dehydrated. The judges continue to tell her no. Jessica says ok and she'll see us in Texas. Oh good.

Shawn/Sean/Shaun thinks he looks like Ryan Seacrest. So he's rolling with that and trying to imitate Ryan. He's going to sing "Oh Girl." I can't tell whether he's good or not. The judges say no, so he must be great.

Shannon is a giant. Her Dad was a World Series pitcher. She's bringing in the fam to meet the judges. Dad to Steven: "How are things in Beantown?" Steven: "Oh great. Hot, humid, and happenin'...just like your daughter." Dad: *glare* She is singing Etta James. And she is awesome. I'm for it. She's in. She'll be in the show.

Please hold for feeding.

And we're back...with a montage of people who are pretty but have ugly voices. And by pretty I mean, according to the judges. So...

Amy lives in Tennessee. In a tent. She can't afford a hotel but she CAN afford cheesy bling jewelry. I mean, props for rolling with it, but perhaps you should not have cheesy bling jewelry...oh...apparently the boyfriend's Mom bought that for her. Still, though...she couldn't pay for a hotel for the night? Anyways....she's going to sing Alicia Keyes. She actually has a decent voice. Interesting tone. Which is what Randy Yo Dawg says. Jenny from the Block calls her a hipsy. She's in.

BTW, there has been multiple replacement of pacifiers, a diaper change, and an episode of rocking between Tent Girl and this next audition.

This next guy is....fun....He's extremely effeminate. I'll just leave it there. And he's also clumsy. His name is Joshua Chavis and he is compared to Chris Daughtry and Brad Paisley. By people who can't hear, probably. He's singing "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz. Yeah, the people who say he sounds like Daughtry and Brad Paisley can't hear. Jenny from the Block tells him he's sweet and cute but his voice just isn't right for this year. Me: "Will it be right for ANY year, though, J-Lo?" Randy Yo Dawg keeps it real and tell him he's terrible. Oh that was sad, he walked out to his "friends" and they are all holding back laughter as they "console" him. See, now, I don't like that. Don't offer to be there to support your buddy in his dream, when you know good and well it's not going to happen. Just keep it real. The truth shall set you free!

Everyone is nervous. Including this 15 year old who has been watching American Idol for a decade. She is very sparkly and has a bird flying into her throat. Stephanie Renae is her name. She has a bit of a nasally voice, but a lot of vibrato. She's just okay. Steven says yes because she's sparkly. Randy Yo Dawg says no because she's not that great. Jenny from the Block says yes because she likes to do that kind of stuff.

Skyler (girl) is auditioning. She auditioned last year with her brother, Colton, who made it but not to the Top 12. I remember him. He was pretty good. Anyway, Colton has had enough and is not auditioning. Except the judges are trying to make him. Skyler is going to sing "Break Even." Also turns out her name is Schyler. Seriously? Anyhow, she has a decent voice and she is a pretty girl. Which has no bearing on anything except the male vote. Colton is now singing "Permanent" which is apparently a David Cook song. He's still pretty good. He has a really great range, but he's a little bit nasally sounding. They're both going. But wait, that guy didn't actually want to go! But he's going. Surprise, surprise, he's not going to pass up another opportunity for fame...

Please hold for yet another feeding.

Montage of crying. People are VERY emotional in this show.

Lauren Mink runs a group for adults with intellectual disabilities. She also has an awesome voice. Very country and very nice. I enjoy her. A lot. I hope she gets to the live shows. She at least made it to Hollywood.

Steven is still running around with a girl him. Jenny from the Block is pink. Very pink. Randy Yo Dawg has an ‘80’s phone, complete with spiral cord.

Mawuena Kodjo is from West Africa. You can’t be the American Idol if you’re not American. That’s a rule. He is singing Rascal Flatts. But it doesn’t sound anything like that. It’s a no. Except Randy says if he can find people that say he should go through, he can go through to American Idol. He finds an old man who’s hearing is questionable and children who just don’t want to be mean. Randy still says no.

Ashlee Altise. I like her. She sang “Come Together” and she was fun. I know I’m going to be called crazy, but hey, I call it like I see it.

Montage of bad.

W.T. Thompson. People with initials for their first name are great. Except for people with initials for their first name who QUIT THEIR FEDERAL JOB WHEN THEIR WIFE IS 6.5 MONTHS PREGNANT TO FOLLOW A DREAM! I don’t get it. I mean, I get that this would be a dream come true and all that, but you have responsibilities now. You probably should have followed your dreams BEFORE you decided to have a kid. He has a decent voice. Steven Tyler tells him he doesn’t know if he’s ready. Jenny from the Block says a little work would do it. Randy Yo Dawg tells him he’s going to get eaten alive. He makes it.

Lots of women are infatuated with Steven Tyler. Lots of them. I don’t get it. He’s 9,000 years old.

Erica Nowak has crazy eyes. And she thinks Steven Tyler is her future ex-husband. She hugs him and gropes him and now sings Joss Stone’s “Super Duper Love.”She was super duper terrible and super duper crazy.

Oh good, an NBA dancer is auditioning. I’m sure she’ll be judged 100% on her singing talent. She is singing “Spoiled” by Joss Stone. Her name is Brittany. She actually has a decent voice, also, she looks like Carrie Underwood. Randy Yo Dawg says yes, Jenny from the Block says no, Steven Tyler says yes. Shocking.

The last audition of Savannah is Philip Phillips. That’s just mean. He works in a pawn shop. Paul will like him. He’s really into Pawn Stars these days. I have no idea why. Phillip Phillips Dad (Phillip Phillips Sr.) is very proud of him. He’s going to sing “his version of Superstition.” That was ok. Now he’s singing “Thriller” while playing acoustic guitar. And That. Is. Awesome. I want him to go to the live show. Jenny from the Block says he has electricity in him. Steven Tyler says yes. Jenny from the Block says yes. Randy Yo Dawg says yes.
So far, there are 3 people I would like to see in the live show; Shannon, Lauren, and Phillip Phillips. That’s super tall girl, girl who works with disabled adults, and the guy that works in a pawn shop. On to Pittsburgh tomorrow.