We're Live People. Live.

The introductions for these live shows are going to get old. Assuming they do the same thing every week. It's very NFL/WWE with the "And for (judge's name), the (category), (list of contestants). By the way, Drew the Girl is going by just Drew.

They're trying really hard with the X door opening slowly to reveal Steve JonesnotJobs. We're losing 5 peeps tonight. Here's how it will work, each mentor will choose 3 acts from their category to go into next week's show. Cool. When do we vote? The judges are walking out to that song that sounds really scary and intimidating. L.A. Reid is appropriately dressed. Nicole's dress may have been attacked with Nick Voss' razor. Paula is shiny. Simon is showing WAY too much cleavage.

Steve JonesnotJobs is telling us, AGAIN, what the prizes are. Wow. His accent seems more pronounced this evening. Maybe he just has never talked this much at once before. But it's annoying. I do not enjoy it.

Something else I don't enjoy? "Astro." This little punk kid is going to drive me nuts. He's rapping Chris Cross "Jump Jump", which my husband thinks I should be familiar with. I'm not. When that song came out, my musical repertoire consisted of hymns and the Judds. With perhaps a little oldies mixed in. Anyway, I'm watching this a second time because....well....I actually kind of love it. I also love L.A. Reid, I just think he's cool. Ok, so literally, the performance finished and I said "Wow. Wow. Wow, kid!" Astro may have won me over. Or I'm having an insane pregnant person moment. Time will tell.

The judges comments:
Nicole: "Way to start the performances in America." Me: "Uh, what? When were they ever in another country?"
Paula: "You're going to be doing this the rest of your life. But L.A., why do you have your son in our competition?" Me: "Pssst....Paula....not all black people are related....that makes you look racist."
Simon: "Brian, I said before that you were obnoxious, but now that's tripled because you just killed everyone. L.A., if he does not make it through to the finals, you're literally insane." Me: I just love that he called him Brian. Way to refuse to conform to the ridiculous "Astro" thing. Also, there are ENORMOUS screens on the side of the stage that show the judges/contestants' faces for the audience. Like I'm talking at least a quarter of the size of the big screen at the Biggest Stadium in the World.
L.A.: "Do you guys have anything in your category that can stand up to that? You just made it really difficult for the rest of these guys." Me: "It was good, but I'm sure there are some better contestants in other categories."

Chris Rene is up. I really, really, really want him to do well. I have no idea what this song is. He just has a really smooth voice. I think the thing I like the most about him is his genuineness. Is genuineness a word?
Nicole: "Are you enjoying this? I don't know if I would have picked that song for you." People boo. I support that boo.
Paula: "Genuine. Truthfulness. Authentic." Me: "I said the same thing. Sort of."
Simon: "I don't think you're the best singer, but I think you're the best recording artist. I've gotta see you in the show next week." Me: "Wait, wait, wait...good singers aren't good recording artists? And good recording artists aren't good singers? What are we buying when we buy cds/download songs? Autotu....oh wait...yeah I get your point."
L.A.: "I'm very impressed. We like the unpredictable. You did a great job."

Philip Lomax (John Mayer) is up. I told you he'd be like Stefano all weird and Italian Stallion. Also, why are there girls dressed like nutcrackers from Scotland on stage with him? I just don't understand this performance at all. I'm very distracted by the nutcrackers and the sparkly lights and the awkward dancing. And now the confetti. All. The. Confetti.
Nicole: "I wish you had personality and charm and confidence. Fun, fun, fun." Me: "No the word you're looking for is awk. ward.
Paula: "It's hard to have women hang on you, but you gotta do it sometimes. You know how to connect with an audience." Me: " Not this audience member."
Simon: "I like you. But tonight it was like you're a racing driver and L.A. put you in a tractor. The song is too cheap, it's too throw-away."
L.A.: "You stepped outside of your comfort zone. Pay that no mind, you're just fine."
Me: "L.A. is a poet."

Marcus Canty is up. I think it is...interesting that 3/4 of L.A.'s contestants are R&B/Rap inspired. I'm just sayin'. He's singing "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?", but he's doing the Bobby Brown thing to it, as L.A. would say. He has a really good voice and interesting dance moves. He has some pitchydawg moments. My prediction is that either Marcus or Philip goes home. My hope is Philip.
Nicole: "You make it look too easy. I have one thing to say, you were BORN to be on that stage." Me: "That was two things. Learn to count."
Paula: "I feel like I'm watching a veteran on stage. And you make me nervous because you're staring at me." Me: "He does have the crazy eyes."
Simon: "I remember when we met you, you had to make a decision about whether to go forward with this or not. I think you're the one of the four boys that thought this through and realized what's at stake." Me: "That was a little over the top. But ok."
L.A.: "You stepped up to the plate once again. We've learned from each other. You've made me really proud."

Steve JonesnotJobs is just so serious.

The boys are back out to find out their fate. Either Philip or Marcus should leave. I KNOW Astro will go through. And I'm pretty sure Chris will go through. Astro is through. Marcus is through. I really hope Philip is out. He is! I win! Oh, I mean Chris wins! Steve JonesnotJobs is not smooth. Direct quote: "Philip Lomax, I did not want to be speaking to you in this capacity...." Pffft! Philip is bummed but he's glad to be here in the first place. But he's not here. He's going home to Seattle.

Groups are up. Paula is introducing the StereoHoggz. I'm unsure how to spell their name. Hogzz. One G two Z's. Got it. I guess. I have no idea what they're singing. They enjoy dancing around. They keep telling me to squeeze people. Girls particularly. No thank you.
L.A.: "You've come a long way. It was really good." Me: "Or not."
Nicole: "It was solid all the way around, it was classic and current at the same time." Me: "Alright."
Simon: "I hate to say this, but Paula, you did a great job. I love this band." Me: "Awww...they love each other. And...huh?"
Paula: "You guys were great, you trusted me, thank you." Me: "That is a big deal. Trusting Paula." I predict they'll be safe.

Steve JonesnotJobs kind of reminds me of Screech from Saved by the Bell. Just really tall and gangly and awkward. Hopefully he does not have the same drug/debt problem Dustin Diamond has/had/has.

Brewer Boys are up. They're from Temecula. I like whatever song this is. We can't figure out what exactly they're singing. They're singing two different songs. It was good. Paul says he dug it.
L.A.: "You were good. But, Paula, I got the sense that this was outside their comfort zone. I don't know if I was blown away, but you were good."
Nicole: "If I was a teenager I'd have you all over my walls." Me: "Ew."
Simon: "You've progressed. But I need to remind everyone it's a 5 million dollar contract because, well, let's face it, I'm paying a lot of money for this show to be remotely successful." He didn't actually say that last part. But he was thinking it. Me and Simon are like this *points to my eyes, points to his eyes, points back to my eyes.*
Paula: "For me, I want groups to be connected to the audience so the audience can get to know them. I think you nailed it."

Intensity is up. I don't understand this group. It's a mutt group. They're all on jungle gyms. They're like High School Musical on a non-Disney budget. This was weird.
L.A.: "I feel like you've grown together really well, you've gelled." Me: "Yes, but it's a gel that wears off after a good hour."
Nicole: "You're like a pumpkin patch of yummy pumpkins." Me: "That's why they gave Nicole the over 30 category. She's a child predator."
Simon: "That was the equivalent of a music miracle. You're like the new young Glee. Girl in the red jacket, you have an amazing voice." Me: "It is true, Glee is going to need some people that actually look like they're in High School. Instead of the 30 year old cast members they have portraying 17 year old pubescent teens. Also, why didn't that girl in the red jacket make it through by herself?" Side note: I still watch Glee. I just only pay attention to the musical numbers.
Paula: "I'm very proud of you."

Lakoda Rayne is the other mutt group. They had a tough sound check. I've had those. You know what you do? You move on. They're singing "Come on, Irene." Paul says no one should sing this song unless they are David Spade and Chris Farley. I say they should not sing that song in the Grand Canyon. And they should try to learn how to harmonize. Because unison does them zero favors. Zeee. to the Rooooo.
L.A.: "I would sign you if you walked into my office and did what you just did." Me: "Well, you also signed The Biebs, so....I don't know if I trust your judgment. Sorry dawg."
Nicole: "Coming from a girl group, you make girl groups look good. You sounded amazing." Me: "You're right Nicole, it WAS better than "Dont'cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?"
Simon: "Most of the best pop groups in the world happen when someone puts people together. And that's what's happened here. Paula, you have done an incredible job with these groups. It's really annoying." Me: "Tee-hee."
Paula: (she's already crying, BTW). "I put in a lot of hours, you made me really proud, because you had a lot to prove tonight." Me: "They had to prove they could walk and sing at the same time."
Paula is having a moment. If I had my way, Lakoda Rayne would go home. But it appears that will not happen. So it's probably Intensity. Or possibly StereoHogzz/ggz. StereoHogzz/ggz is through. Lakoda Rayne is through. Intensity is through. Brewer Boys are done. That's ridiculous. A group will NOT win this competition. Fact.
Steve just awkwardly told Paula to shut it.

Nicole forgot we were live. And sat there waiting for something to happen. But SHE was supposed to tell us who was up next. So that was awkward.

Also awkward? The fact that Dexter Haygood is on this show. Singing "I Kissed a Girl." I feel like they put him on TV to be made fun of. It's not right. He's not really singing. He's screaming at me. It's concerning.
L.A.: "I think you found him." Dexter: "Found who?" L.A.: "Dexter." Dexter: "You think I found myself." Me: "This is turning into "who's on first?" L.A.: "I don't know what she was thinking giving you that song. But it wasn't your fault. You did good."
Paula: "I know you like to kiss girls." Me: "TMI."
Simon: "There's a lyric that says "it felt so wrong, it felt so right", and that's kind of how I felt."
Nicole: "I'm so proud of you. You remembered your lyrics."
Dexter keeps yelling into a microphone that is not attached to anything.

Steve said we have seen two of of the over 30's. I rewound and he is lying.

Leroy Bell is up. He's awesome. I do not recognize this song. But he's singing it beautifully. It was a strange song. But I still love him.
L.A.: "I would have given you a better song. I'm confused as to why you haven't become a big star already." Me: "True."
Paula: "Your voice is velvet. I've known Michael Bolton since he was 7 years old." Me: "Random."
Simon: "I think you have one of the best voices in this competition. I don't believe you've quite got the connection with Nicole yet. I see a bit of a lack of confidence. I wish I was mentoring you." Me: "He is a little out of his element, but he'll be a'ight."
Nicole: "I don't know if you would have spent as much time with him as I did. He represents dreams. He's old." Me: "That was a paraphrase."

Stacy Francis who should be Elaine Gibbs is up. I have no idea what this song is. She has a fine voice and all, but I just preferred Elaine. She looks pretty though. And she had some knock-out moments.
L.A.: "This time you got it all right. Really proud of you. You're not crying. Don't start." Me: "Tell her, L.A."
Paula: "Brilliant delivery, you told a story." Me: "Meh."
Simon: "You know how much I like you and I know how much you like me." Me: "Backstory?" Simon: "I don't like what you're wearing, I didn't like the song, you're a church singer."
Nicole: "This moment gave you wings right now."
Simon tried to argue. Nicole tried to argue back. Stacy did a weird dance. And Steve told them to shut up.

Josh is up next. He's singing "Forever Young." Nicole picks weird songs. That was good. But not great. His voice is awesome, but that song was strange.

L.A.: "Your voice is one of the best in the competition."
Paula: "Your voice is one of the best in the competition." Me: "Copycat."
Simon: "You are the artist I fear. Because you've got it all going on. You are the real deal. Probably the best performance we've had."
Nicole: "It was a soul-stirring performance. You ignored everything I said, and it was great." Me: "So no one should listen to you."

Dexter should go home. No question about it. Stacy is through. Josh is through. Dexter better be out. Nicole will be the stupidest person ever. Good, she's only a little bit stupid. Leroy is through. Dexter is confused but he doesn't know why. I do. Because he's NOT STABLE.

Girls are up. Simon has to send two girls home because he made a horrible decision and left Simone Battle in.

Speaking of, she's up first. She definitely thinks she's Beyonce. She is not. Gratuitous booty shot. She's not good. At all. Simon is less than impressed. I think. I hope. Also, she looks like Rainbow Brite.
L.A.: "Simon you have some explaining to do. You really have to explain this. Look, everything was right except your choice in contestant. And now this? I don't get it. You must be really rich because clearly 5 million dollars doesn't really mean much to you." Me: "Dear L.A. Reid, you are my favorite judge on any reality show ever. And I loved Simon Cowell more than a mouse loves cheese."
Nicole: "Yeah that wasn't predictable at all, Simon. You, my love, are beautiful, great job sweetie." Me: "No dude, the performance was lame. Who cares if Simon gave her some weird song? She could have made it work. Other contestants have. She just stinks. She's a no-good stinky face stinky singer."
Paula: "I would have liked it with less dancers so I could see you perform more. But that's just my opinion." Me: "Paula just doesn't want to make Simon mad, she's closer to him so she'll get hit first."
Simon: (this will be good): "Simone, all this is intended to upset you because they've never liked you, it was right that you made it a show." Me: "Simon. Dude. Ya messed up. Just admit it."

Rachel Crow is next. I lurve her. She's doing the best rendition of a Justin Bieber song I've ever heard. Because it's paired with another song that I can't think of the name of. She looks adorable and she has a fantastic voice. I seriously lurve her. She went a little flat in one part, but I'll forgive her.
L.A.: "I love you doll." Me: "Agree."
Nicole: "I would have chosen a different song." Me: "Uh, I didn't know any of the songs you chose except the Katy Perry song. And you sang "Don'cha" and "Buttons." So shut it."
Paula: "You're the most likable girl. You should have given her a better song with a better range."
Simon: "Talk about pot calling the kettle black, some of your choices? I needed to show that you are a retro artist and a pop artist, it was original." Me: "I agree."

Drew is next. She dropped her last name. Because it has entirely too many vowels. And a Z. She is singing "What a Feeling." Didn't she sing this at Simon's yard? I kind of love this a lot. She should stay.
L.A.: "You have an amazing voice. You're the whole package. Simon, that was so good." Me: "Truth."
Nicole: "I can't believe I'm going to say it, that was really good Simon." Me: "Stop copying people who actually know what they're talking about." Nicole: "I would go to your concert."
Paula: "It was the perfect song, you connect with an audience and you tell a story." Me: "So Paula's new thing is connection and story, eh? Not you look fantastic and you have passion."
Simon: "This is why I wanted to be back on American TV, to find someone like you. But I like all of my girls." Me: "But you like Simone and Tiah least. Right? Right??"

Tiah is next. There are people in body socks on stage. It's freakin' me out. You know what else is freakin me out? She's slightly under pitch THE. ENTIRE. SONG.

L.A.: "I guess you're one of his favorites. So congratulations." Me: "Wow. Ouch. No mention of the pitch issue?"
Nicole: "If that was a sweet dream, I'd hate to see what a scary one looks like." See this is because she sang that song that goes "Sweet dreams are made of this." And I rewound this to be sure but Tiah definitely flipped Nicole the bird. The whole "scratching the nose" bit? Yeah, don't buy it. This girl is yucky.
Paula: "I give you credit because you have a fierce drive. You have to work on your pitch." Me: "FINALLY."
Simon: "You've never liked her, you're predictable and the two of you are like two spiteful cats. You did great my dahling." Me: "Simon. My dear. Get your ears checked. It was not good, man. They're not spiteful. They're truthful."

Melanie is up next. Mah gurl. She better stay in this time. She had two key changes and nailed them both. Lookin' at you Tiah. She's singing a Whitney song, better than Whitney could sing it now. That was incredible.
L.A.: " We saved the best for last because you are un. be. lievable. The song choice was bad but it doesn't matter because you knocked it out of the park."
Nicole: "I'm so glad you're on this show."
Paula: "I'm so glad you're on this show."
Simon: "You're great, but now I have to make the hardest decision I've ever made."

I predict that he's going to send EITHER Simone or Tiah home, just because he doesn't want to admit he's wrong about both of them. So he'll cause some kind of crazy upset and send Melanie, Rachel, or Drew home. Probably Drew, because that will be least upsetting.

Drew is through. And she squeals. Rachel is through. She also squeals. Melanie better be through. Seriously dude. Do not do this again. Melanie is through. And Simon says he thinks she could win. Way to not listen to your enormous ego, Simon. For once.

Tiah says some catty comment about getting criticism from the judges and using it. Good I hope you learn to sing on pitch. Simone says some drivel about releasing a music video. I'll be sure to go watch that right now. After I watch the paint on my walls dry.

This May End in a Fit of Rage

I only say this because I have an overall negative sense about this show. Terrible injustice tends to happen at least once, and so far, it hasn't happened this time. So it stands to reason that someone who should DEFINITELY stay will go home and someone who should DEFINITELY be eliminated will continue on. And thus, the fit of rage.

Steve JonesnotJobs is telling me for the 917th time what the categories are, where each category went, and who their mentor was. I just don't understand. Does he think we have not been watching prior to this? Doubtful.

We're going to find out the fates of all these acts. Today. Right. Now.

Tora and Simone are going to find out their fate first. Simone should not go through. I repeat, Simone should not go through. I could honestly go either way with Tora. She is intriguing, but I'm not 100% that she is actually talented.

Simon tells Tora she is great, but she's in the toughest category. She didn't make it.

Simon tells Simone he's concerned about her forgetting the lyrics, because if she does that on the live show it's catastrophic. Also, he calls her SimonE. Hahah. She's in. Not hahah. The rage is starting.

Drew is going to find out now. She's the Justin Bieber lover. I vote no. Simply based on who else is in this category. She's in. So two spots have been taken. And neither is filled with Rachel or Melanie. We're at rage level 3.

We're moving on to the over 30's now. Josh Burrito, to be specific. If he doesn't get in, there is a serious problem. Nicole is sitting like Pocahontas on the couch. Very strange. He's through to the live shows. Rage level 2.5.

She seriously looks like Pocahontas.

Dexter, James, and Christa are going to find out their fates.

Christa is wearing a baby in a lilypad on her head. And picking weeds from the ground.

James points out that there are jobs and dreams. He would rather live his dream, but he knows he has to support his family. I sorta kinda want him to make it. But it won't change my rage level if he doesn't.

Dexter is totally crazy and out of it. He should not go through simply on the fact that he needs some sort of help.

Pocahontas tells Christa there is room for her to grow. She is not sure whether James is the solo artist that she is looking for. She knows Dexter has a huge energy and a good voice, but he's hit or miss. Christa is a no. That's fine. She really needs waterproof mascara/eyeliner. James is a no. That's a little ridiculous. It will be a lot ridiculous if Dexter makes it. Dexter made it. Rage level 3.5. This is craziness. Literally, craziness. They need to get a mental health professional on staff immediately because when he gets eliminated, he's going to LOSE it. And he just jumped in Pocahontas' swimming pool. No, he's not crazy at all.

The groups are waiting to hear their fates. 2 Squared, Brewer Boys, and Illusion Confusion are up first. Brewer Boys should be the ONLY ones that make it through.

Paula tells Illusion Confusion they lacked energy. 2 Squared had good harmonies? Brewer Boys may not connect with the audience. Illusion Confusion is out. Good move, Paula. 2 Squared is out. Good move again, Paula. Brewer Boys are in to the live shows. Finally, a judge that got it right. Who would've thought it would be Paula?

4 Shore is actually decent, so I'd be ok if they went through. However, they are not going through. That's actually surprising.

The boys are up. Brian Bradley is first. I do not like him, Sam I Am. I think he is full of ham. But that won't matter because L.A. sees $$$$$$ so he's through. Also, in the words of one of my favorite AI auditions EVER. "Pants on the ground, pants on the ground, lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground!" Pull your pants up, kid. Rage level 4.

Nick Voss, Philip Lomax, Brennin Cullen, and Skyelor Anderson are going to find out now. Based solely on the fact that I'm thoroughly annoyed already, I'm going to say Brennin will make it.

L.A. is not sure Nick has his own identity. He thinks Skyelor limits himself by singing specifically country. He finds Brennin's voice amazing and thinks he's a star, but he thinks he's turbulent. He thinks Philip needs more time to not be Sinatra. Nick is out. That's fine. Skyelor is out. That's a bummer. But not rage worthy. Hallelujah, thine the glory, Brennin the vampire wannabe is out. Philip, somehow, is through to the live show. Even he is shocked. He's going to be like Stefano and hang on through entirely too many rounds. I can just feel it.

Apparently, by purchasing a Pepsi product, I could go to a live taping. I'm ok, thanks.

Jazzlyn Little is up. She's still claiming to be shy. Simon says she had grit, but it got polished. He also says he likes her. Jazzlyn didn't make it. Wow. I did not really see that coming. I thought for sure the rage level would be increasing.

Tiger and Leroy are about to find out. Oh good gravy. I want them both to make it. Pocahontas is having a hard time. She tells Leroy he has a really beautiful voice and is amazingly talented. She tells Tiger he has grown through the process. She is concerned that Leroy doesn't want it enough. WHAT? She doesn't always connect with Tiger. Tiger is out. That's sad. Rage level 5. Leroy is through to the next round. Hooray! Rage level back to 4.5. I'm still mad about Tiger.

Chris Rene is about to find out his fate. I want him to make it so bad! They really need to quit playing "Fix You" every time they talk about/with Chris. L.A. is concerned that Chris can't be consistent. But he's willing to take a shot! Chris is on L.A.'s team! He's through! Rage level 4. Still mad about Tiger.

Groups are up. The mutt groups are going to find out their fates. If one of them has to make it, it should be Intensity. Paula tells Lakoda Rayne says they have an off energy. She says Intensity needs to work on blending. Paula is drinking from the Crazee Cup again. She put Lakoda Rayne through. She also put Intensity through. So maybe she's not drinking TOO much.

Back to the girls. Tiah and Caitlin are up. I feel that my rage level is going to increase. I want Caitlin to go through over Tiah. Simon wants to know if Tiah thinks she did her best. Simon is admitting that Tiah has pitch issues. This is good news. Simon thinks Caitlin was awesome from the beginning and loves her. He wants to know what Tiah thinks has gone wrong. Caitlin is out. That's dumb. Rage level is creeping up, unless of course, he doesn't put Tiah through either. Which he does not do of course. Rage level is at 5 again. Tiah is through. That means either Melanie or Rachel is not in Simon's 4. This is lame sauce.

There is one spot left in each category.

Boys are up. It's either Marcus Canty or Tim Cifers. I'm ambivalent about it. L.A. Reid loves Tim's voice and thinks Marcus was really good. Rihanna found Tim's humility to be endearing. L.A. is not sure how Marcus fits in the music industry. He appreciates that Tim is doing this for his family. Tim is out. Bummer. I guess. Marcus is in. Whatever.

The Anser to the Question No One Asked has promise rings. To each other? Yeah, they're strange. Stereo Hoggz are the other option. Given this situation, I choose Stereo Hoggz. They are lookin' FLYYYYY! Paula calls the boys that don't sing out on the fact that they don't sing as good as the lead guy. She also tells the Anser that they don't blend well. I love Paula. She is probably going to be my favorite judge if Simon doesn't get it together. The answer for The Anser is No. And the girls are devastated. The Stereo Hoggz are through and they're trying to eat Paula. Now they're swimming in her pool.

The last two contestants in the over 30s group are Elaine Gibbs and Stacy Francis. It should be Elaine Gibbs without a single solitary doubt. Rage level will increase drastically if this does not go well. Pocahontas lets Elaine know she is one of the most talented singers she's ever heard. She tells Stacy she has an amazing voice. She tells Elaine she needs to have charisma and personality to command the stage. She must have missed all of Elaine's performances so far. She tells Stacy the music industry is hard and she's not sure she can handle it. Elaine is out. Nicole IS dumber than a bag of bricks. I've given her way too much credit. That means that Stacy is through to the next round. Rage level has jumped to a 6.8.

The last spot for the girls is between Melanie (mah gurl) and Rachel (who is also awesome). So I basically am going to hate either decision. Simon tells Melanie he likes her voice and she has a good affect on the audience. Simon tells Rachel he was surprised at how good the other contestants were. He is telling both of them that his decision has been really difficult and is shocking. Melanie is out. Rage level 10. Rachel is in. Which is all well and good and everything, but seriously???? SimonE made it and Melanie didn't. This is WORSE than Chris Medina on American Idol. For real, worse. And yes, I'm still holding on for Chris Medina.

So there you go. Wait. Simon thinks he's made a mistake. No joke, yo. The mistake had better involve Melanie. And hopefully, Simone.

He's at Melanie's house. I'm really, really happy. Rage level is now back down to 6. That's probably better for my unborn baby, anyway. So, does this mean he's going to get rid of one of the other girls? No, apparently not.

Boys: Marcus Canty, Astro (really?), Philip Lomax and Chris Rene (my fave)
Groups: Lakoda Rayne, Brewer Boys (my fave), Intensity, and Stereo Hogzz.
Over 30s: Leroy Bell, Josh Burrito (my fave), Dexter McCrazycoat, Stacy Francis
Girls: Rachel Crowe (my fave), Tiah Nopitch, Simone Forgetthelyrics, Drew Bieber, and Melanie (mah gurl).

Next week starts the live shows. Should be good. I'm out to take cold medicine and go to bed. Ugh.

Cribs: X Factor Edition Part Dos

The rest of the acts are going to sing for a spot in the live shows. It promises to be very dramatic. Much like the theme music for The X Factor. What with all the planets exploding and everything...

I swear if Steve JonesnotJobs tells me the categories again I might lose my mind. He also reminds us of who the mentors are.

Jazzlyn is up. She was "shy" before. I say it was an act. She forgot her lyrics during the ensemble round. She's very dramatic. I like her voice but the whole "I'm so scared/nervous/my throat is going to close" bit is getting a little old. She's singing "I Will Survive" but she/Simon/the vocal coach? has TOTALLY changed the melody. It's strange. I don't know if I enjoy it or not. I mean I like her voice, but that arrangement was weird. One of the vocal coaches who is "helping" Simon says she's a little high school talent show. Ouchhhh.

Brennin Cullen, I mean Hunt, is up next. I swear he thinks he's a vampire. He thinks he's old. He's 26. Pshh. He's a young'un. Sidebar: why do people that are younger than me always seem older than me, to me? He's singing a Corinne Bailey Rae song. He's just so smarmy and greasy, I don't like it. And his voice is just a'ight for me for you. At least not in comparison to the other males in this competition. Rihanna thinks he's beautiful but corny. Her quote was "He gives me 90s boy band." Rihanna just gained like 400 points.

Seriously. Steve. We get it. We know where everyone is at this point.

StereoHoggz are up. They are BFFs, fo real yo. They don't have trees where they live. I don't know where they live. They're singing "I Heard it through the Grapevine." They are also dancing. Pharell looks like he's about to cry. I actually don't hate this. However, I'm confused. There was one guy that was dancing and singing but not putting his mike to his mouth. Does he not understand how they work?

Burrito Guy!!!! His name is Josh. And he is awesome. He's going to sing. If he doesn't make it, I don't know what Nicole is smoking. *screeching tires* He has a 13 year old kid? How old IS this dude??? It says he's 30. So he had her when he was 17. Well, he didn't have her, but, you know what I mean. He's singing "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face." Nicole is very emotional when she judges. Like, moreso than Paula. Which is saying a LOT! Based solely on this performance, he should DEFINITELY go through. They applauded him! Nicole and Enrique applauded! I don't think they've done that for anyone else so far.

A group I don't remember is up. Paula is making them sing Bohemian Rhapsody. I heart Paula. 2 Squar'd is their name. They are slightly sharp in their pitch. Pharell looks like he might cry again. The girl that sang lead (the one with the red hair) is terrible. She should not sing lead. She should not sing at all.

Tim Cifers is up. He's a good ol' boy, wanting to sing some good ol' country. He misses his kids. He's singing "Dance with my Father." He has a nice country voice. It's nothing to get up and shout about, but it's good. L.A. wanted more. I can see that.

Rachel Crowe. I heartheartheart her. She's so sweet. She says whatever happens, it will be epic. I agree. She is totally singing "I Want it that Way." Like, by the Backstreet Boys. Ohhhhhhh......that high note!! She has a seriously incredible voice for 14 years old. I said it once and I shall now say it again, "I WANT HER TO WIN." Simon lurved it. But he's concerned she can't handle the pressure. I say he's wrong. She's like Taylor Swift, in that she has an old soul and she is in love with doing what she loves, which just happens to be something she does incredibly well.

Leroy Bell is 59, he's old, and he won't give up. I love him too. He is singing "To Make You Feel My Love." I'm impressed with myself at how quickly I recognize these songs. *Pats self on back.* His voice is like butter. Nicole's emoting is a little distracting, really. And possibly unnecessary. Enrique clapped awkwardly. That was strange. Nicole thinks he's too nervous.

Some group called Illusion Confusion. In case you can't tell, I don't really care about any of the groups. They are singing "Let's Dance." And once again, I'm confused. The first few notes were sung on the track and the boys were not singing. So are the group tracks actually karaoke tracks with extra vocals added? Cause that's silly.

Tiger Budbill is 42 and is a DJ. He has no money. So this would help. I've never heard this song. But he's killing it. He has a sweet voice. Dude. Nailed it. They're applauding! He should make it. Nicole is worried that people wouldn't buy his records. Enrique thinks there should be no rules. Enrique is silly.

Marcus Canty is up. He is flirting with Rihanna. It's working. It also helps that he has lovely voice. He is singing "All My Life." Which may or may not be a Backstreet Boys/NSync song. I don't want to talk about why I know that. Rihanna said she felt like a fan.

Tiah Tolliver is up. She's being a diva. About the wind. Ugh. She's slightly under pitch in spots. Also, she's going to break her neck with all that head jerking around. But Simon is applauding? I'm confused by her. I mean, I think she can be a decent performer, her voice is acceptable, but overall, she just strikes me as blech.

Christa Collins is up next. I never saw her perform before bootcamp. She supposedly was a Disney star. She claims she was the prototype for what became Britney and Cristina. Spears and Aguilera, that is. I don't know if I would brag about that. Just sayin'. She sang a very dramatic song. She was very Broadway about it. Enrique was making eyes at her, as an 80 year old would say.

The other mutt group is going to sing. I don't even know who is in this group. They're called Intensity. They have never sung together before. Yes, we know.
I can't decide if this makes me feel like I have ADD or if I just really enjoy it. They were definitely better than the other mutt group. And the other mutt group "practiced." Pharell thinks they were like a cookie. With star morsels inside. now I want cookies.

Chris Rene is up next. I hope he does well. I find his back story awesome. He had some struggles, he went to rehab, he got help, and now he's here. Stories like that melt my heart. He's doing well! I have no idea what song he's singing, but he's doing it well! He had a little bit of singing, and a little bit of rapping, it was good! L.A. Reid says he thinks Rihanna intimidated him. But they both agree that he has something special. I hope he makes it to live shows.

Melanie (mah gurl) is up next. I hearrrrrrrt her. She wants to do this because she wants to make her family proud. She's singing the "Free Willy" song! I can't think of the name. Her voice is just silky and gorgeous. That's the second performance of hers that has given me chills. Twice. Simon has almost gotten off the couch. He sat up in his seat. I say it counts. And now he's swooned after she left. Wait. What? I don't understand. Does he like her? Does he not? He keeps saying something about a look and she was in her comfort zone the whole time. She better stay.

Yo, they really need to quit changing up the schedule on me. I'm getting confuzzled!

The judges are deliberating....

This is intense...

Simon is getting rid of someone everyone thought would get a yes. It's either Melanie or Rachel. Either way, I'm not amused.

Cribs: X Factor Edition

So, my Tivo, along with my car, is a Decepticon. Oh, and baseball is ruining television. Apparently whatever was supposed to air on Wednesday couldn't air on Wednesday because it rained somewhere, causing a 7 hour baseball game to last 15 hours instead. In all honesty, I heart baseball. I just heart my television routine more.

So the episode on Wednesday was a repeat, which I just figured out. Then there was supposed to be an episode on Thursday, but for some reason my Tivo (the Decepticon) didn't record it. I have no idea why. It recorded the other shows we always watch, but not X Factor. So NOW, I am being forced to watch the performances ONLY online. So this blog might be boring. Even though I'm pretty sure no one is actually reading it. EDIT: My wonderful husband found a website where I can watch the entire episode so I'll add my edits to what I've already written.

Last week the contestants were split into the 4 categories, 8 acts in each category. Now they're going to the judges homes. Steve JonesnotJobs is explaining all of this to us. Groups go to Santa Barbara. Boys go to the Hamptons. Over 30s go to Malibu. Girls go to France. Groups are with Paula. Boys are with L.A. Over 30s are with Miss Kitty. Girls are with the King himself.

The girls have the best mentor, just ask Simon. I still can't believe Simone made it. The girls are freaking out that they are with Simon. As well they should be. Also of note, the contestants are not actually going into the judges homes. They're hanging out in the yard. "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard...." No.

Groups want to be with Nicole. Ruh-roh. The two mutt groups are "Intensity" and "Lakoda Rayne." Can I take this opportunity to say that the bumper music underneath the talking is really random on this show? The groups are happy that they have Paula. So they say. Paula tries to convince the groups that she has specialized in working with groups. After all, she worked with ZZ Top and Duran Duran. Paula, none of these people know who those people are.

The over 30s are with Nicole. They wanted L.A. Nicole does her best to convince them she'll be great. I don't know if they are buying it.

The boys are with L.A. Chris Rene says he's blessed to be in L.A.'s team.

All the judges brought a "friend." Also known as someone from the music industry that needs a little publicity. Nicole brought Enrique Iglesias. Paula brought Pharrell. L.A. has Rihanna. Simon's friend was supposed to be Mariah Carey. But she got stuck in Hurricane Irene. So Simon figured he could probably handle it on his own. Uh, yeah.

The judges chose the songs. So that's good.

Apparently Baby Kanye has decided to start going by "Astro." So now he's a dog from the Jetsons?? Oy vey. We have to have a recap of his "greatness." He knows he's talented, so he knows he's going to get a yes. Ew. That actually wasn't terrible. I still don't like him, but his performance wasn't terrible.

Simone Battle is performing for Simon. She irritates me too. I just think she's cocky and has no reason to be. She messed up the lyrics for "My Song" by Elton John. That should be a no. Pssst....Simone....you forgot your skirt. She's singing "Help Me." It's just ok. She has a nice voice, but I don't know. Something just bugs me.

The groups are getting a pep talk from Paula. They are letting them know that not everyone is going to make it. Were they unaware of this before?

Sidebar: from here on things may be out of order, because I found the full episode. But all the performances should be here.

The Anser to the Question No One Asked is up first. They are in Paula's group. They are from Utah, and feel strange because they are not Mormon. They are closer than blood brothers. They're "brothers from another mother." They are singing "Perfect" which is a Pink song that I love. Also, Pharrell is there for some reason. It was nice, until they started trying to do harmonies. The high harmony is sharp. It's making me close one eye. Steve JonesnotJobs wants to know if it could have gone better. They said yes. I agree.

Skyelor Anderson is going to sing for L.A. Reid and Rihanna. Skyelor tells us that most people think he sings R&B because that's what black people sing. He's sweet. He sings country, BTW. He has had a hard life, his Dad and his brother died. This is the kid who, in his first audition, his track stopped and he just kept singing a cappella. I like him. He is going to sing "Nobody Knows it But Me." This is just decent. He has the tendency to go a little flat at the end of his notes. But I enjoy him more than say, Scotty McReery, so I'd say he has a fair shot. Rihanna likes him. L.A. Reid wonders if he chose country or if country chose him. THAT is profound.

Tora is up next. Every time I hear her name I think "Tora!Tora!Tora!" which is not to say I'm cheering for her, it's the name of a movie. Also, is she Jewish? Because, you know, the Torah? No? Ok. She is singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" by the Stones. Why would you even attempt that song? She's melting down. Also of note, Simon does not have people at his house for no reason. He's cool like that. I really like her voice and her personality. I just find her all around a good performer and very interesting. Simon was tapping his feet. Which were bare. Haha! Simon doesn't quite get it. Boo.

Dexter Haygood is going to sing for Nicole and Enrique Iglesias. Enrique, will you be my hero? Actually, take it back, will you just leave? Again, though, WHY is Enrique Iglesias here? Dexter was homeless. Just in case we forgot that they mention that every. single. time. All the judges have pools. We have a pool in our complex, can I be a judge? He's going to sing "Crazy in Love." To which I say, huh? Oh, I get it. He thinks the fact that the word "Crazy" is in the title means he can go totally crazy. Which he does. Enrique is confused and Nicole is humoring him. He tells Steve JonesnotJobs that he missed some of the lyrics. No joke. Now he's buried his face on Steve's shirt and is crying like a baby. I can't be the only person to think he's mentally unstable, right?

The Fabulous Brewer Boys are up. Wait a second? They're from Temecula? Wow! Go Brewer Boys. I enjoy them a lot. They are nice, and they love their Mom. They're going to sing "Only Girl in the World." They're in Paula's group so they're singing for Paula and Pharrell. This was just decent, unfortunately.

The next group is one of the mutt groups. Paige, Haley, Cari, and Dani are in a group which apparently is called Lakoda Rayne. They think Lakoda means friends or something and that Rayne means blessings from above. I say false. They have to sing "Born this Way" by the supremely talented Lady Gaga.....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I can't possibly type that without laughing. This is terrible. They have no ability to harmonize. The whole thing minus like 4 notes through the whole song was in unison. One of them even realized it was terrible and begged for their life before leaving the yard.

Nick Voss who fights with his razor is up. He is in L.A.'s group. He's singing "Everybody Wants to Rule the World." He thinks he's Elvis Presley. He's like a drugged up Elvis Presley. Rihanna wants to know whether that performance was how all of his other performances are. Methinks Rihanna does not want him under her umbrella-ella-ella-hey-hey-hey.

Elaine Gibbs is with Nicole and Enrique (?) She is sure to be fantastic. She's singing "Stop Crying Your Heart Out," which I've never heard before. Her voice is just gorgeous. She is a gorgeous lady. I really, really hope she makes it.

James Kenney is up. He is with Nicole too. I feel like he thinks he may be as cool/good as David Cook. But he is definitely NOT. He has 5 jobs. Well, look at that. Somebody who knows how to work for a living and doesn't just think, "I need to support my family, so I'll just go pursue my dream and not worry about getting an actual paying job in the meantime." He's singing a song called "Russian Roulette." How violent. I can see him going through, simply because he's a dude and dude's tend to win these things. Just sayin'.

Caitlin Koch is with Simon. I enjoy her a lot.

This just in, my wonderful husband may have found somewhere on the internet where I can watch the whole episode, complete with all the other fun stuff. Please hold.

He did.

Stacy Francis is up. She has a beautiful voice. But I'm not 100% about her, either. She's singing "Purple Rain." Huh? What? This song does not make any sense. Lyrically or logically. She is killing it though, I assume. Annnnnnd, now she's crying and begging not to go home. Just stop. People have to go home. Just chill. Also, she looks like Diana Ross. And the bumper music under her is...Diana Ross. That's funny.

Philip Lomax. He reminds me of John Mayer. And I dislike John Mayer greatly. So, you know what I think of him. He is singing "Please Don't Stop the Music" which is by Rihanna. And he has to sing it in front of Rihanna. He made it a crooner song and it sounds awkward. I vote no.

Drew is up next. She really wants to make it. She's singing "It Must've Been Love." I like this a lot. I like HER a lot. She has a sweet voice, with a nice tone and a unique sound.

And that's all for that episode. Apparently, tomorrow night there will be 16 more performances and then we'll cut down to the top 4 acts of each category. Going to set my Tivo right now.

Welcome to the Contestant Corral

At this point of pregnancy, it's pretty unlikely that I can stay awake or at least snarkily awake past the hour of 10:00. However, it's highly likely that I will wake up at random hours of the morning on Saturdays and be all fired up for snark. Which explains the tardiness and weird hour of this post.

Auditions are over and "Boot Camp" has started. Except I think "Boot Camp" is a lame name. So I'm calling it the Contestant Corral. Judging by the preview we're in for treats like Simon "hating this," Miss Kitty squealing, Randy Jackson 2.0 calling Simon out, and Paula doing the ugly cry. Oh, and some contestants will do stuff.

Turns out, Australian (?) Steve's last name is Jones. I had to rewind to catch that, actually because I thought it said Jobs for a minute. It must be because that's ALL ANYONE CAN TALK ABOUT. We understand, he died, he made a computer, he liked apples, it's very sad, leave his family alone. Tangent over.

Evidently the Contestant Corral is located in Tucson, AZ? Why? That seems unnecessarily hot. Oh, j/k we're just traveling to the contestants home towns.

The contestants will be under much scrutiny. Their clothes, their attitudes, oh yeah, and their voices. The contestants will be rounded up and cut down to 32 contestants (8 in each category), then the judges will be assigned a group (boys, girls, over 30, or groups) and take the group home with them to train them. That would be awesome, actually.

I'm going to predict which judge does which group now:
Miss Kitty: Groups (she was in one. They were sorta famous).
Paula: Girls (no reason)
Simon: Over 30. (he is usually good at destroying people's hopes and dreams)
L.A.: Boys (He started Justin Beiber)

The contestants have to dance in a group. Except Brian Bradley (the little annoying kid who thought he would be bigger than Jay-Z and Kanye) decides that's not what he's here for. Uh, 'scuse me, kid? You're here to do whatever the nice producers tell you to do, mmmkay? You're not Kanye yet, buddy, you don't get to just demand things because you're famous and a minority. In fact, no one is allowed to do that. Now DANCE, puppet, DANCE! He's not dancing.

In true AI fashion, the contestants are brought out in rows of 10 and made to sing in front of God and everybody. Then they'll be axed. Or told they're safe.

Siamese (the "dude" that thinks he's Prince) is singing first. His hair is crimped: -1. He sang "More than a Feeling." It was meh. He is strange, to me. But I can support him continuing on.

The Anser To the Question No One Asked is singing. Their harmony is not pleasant.

So is the other group.

Tiger Budbill sings and Miss Kitty lets us know he has lungs. Simon: "Yes, cause he's human dahling." Me: "He's back? Simon is back? Please let it be true!"

Caitlin Koch still has a lovely voice.
Drew with the really long last name is good.
Gina Rene (the sister to the guy that is no longer on drugs) is decent. Why didn't we see her audition before?
Rachel Crow (the girl who wants another bathroom) is getting a little swallowed up in this whole Corral situation. :(
Tora (the girl who reminded me of Lady Gaga but better) sang a song I've never heard of.

This is really hard to blog ya'll. They are FLYING through these singers.

BAHA! Ok so I have it paused and someone is singing on the screen but BEHIND him is a...person....in these red sunglasses that look like Levar Burton's sunglasses from Star Trek. They're awesome.

Ruh-roh. Somebody forgot the lyrics. You're done, sir.

Chris Rene (the guy who isn't on drugs anymore) sang "Sexual Healing." It was really good. I predict he'll make it.

Melanie Amaro (the one that I guarantee will be voteable) sounded amazing for the 3 seconds we heard.

Stacy (the one who is 42 with strangely aged children) really likes long notes. I predict she will be voteable, and I further predict she will get on my nerves. BAHA! Simon tells her less is more. AWESOME.

So in approximately 5 minutes, everyone has been heard. Stacy, Baby Kanye, and the Burrito Man are all through.

The second group is cut and Mark J. Inman (the one who is a philosophy major?) has a total mental breakdown. Which we only see like 2 seconds of. What is with the editing here? Did the editors have a date to get ready for? It's like this episode is on speed.

Obviously, the last group has to be in. Because there were not 100 people in the first group. I assume. Chris Rene, Tora, the guy with the Memphis jacket, the dude that got in a fight with his razor, and some other people that I can't remember enough about to describe are all in.

Phew! My hands hurt.

A bunch of the contestants overslept. Hehe.

L.A. Reid lets the contestants know that they get to sing in ensembles. He also tells them that ensembles mean groups. They have 5 hours to learn it and they have to work with vocal coaches and choreographers.

Group 1: Drew R (the girl), Caitlin, The Anser, Audrey Turner, Elaine Gibbs, Clayton Senne, and Dexter Heygood. They have to sing "Creep" by Radiohead. Drew is 4 years old and never heard the song. Dexter is trying to be Mick Jagger. He does not have moves like Jagger. Audrey Turner used to be married to Ike Turner. As in Ike and Tina. What?

Drew starts out. She has a good voice. And a poo squat. Ugh. Dexter is now singing creepily to Drew. Which I guess is appropriate considering the song title. The Anser to the Question No One Asked still has bad harmonies. Audrey Turner may or may not be possessed by the spirit of Ike. Which is not complimentary, FYI. Elaine Gibbs is showing Audrey who's boss. I never saw Clayton Senne do anything but sit there. Caitlin was awesome. The judges enjoyed Audrey Turner and thought the weakest one was Dexter. I'm very confused.

Group 2: Jazzlyn Little (the one that was "shy"), Melanie (my gurl), Heather Gayle, Aaron Surgeon, Arin Ray, the group Special Guest, and Stacy. That's a lot of big personality. Jazzlyn totally forgot the lyrics. But she made it work. Stacy forgot her pants. Ew. Melanie is by far the best vocalist in this group. I seriously love her. Their harmonies were a little weak. But it was a decent performance.

Oh good, now we have a commercial between every performance. Extremes?

Group 3 is comprised of Dani Knights, Skyelor Anderson, Leroy Anderson, Ben Rue, Chelsea Musick, Paige Ogle, and Cari Fletcher. I don’t remember any of these people from their auditions. Take it back, I remember Chelsea. She was decent. Simon did not like her. They are going to sing "Desperado" which is awesome. Leroy knows the song, no one else does. Paige Ogle has a nice, sultry voice. But she has a lot of emoting as well. I remember Skyelor too, he is great. Leroy Bell is 59 and this is it for him. He has a beautiful voice! Very soulful and easy to listen to. Dani Knights fancies herself a country artist. I say no. Cari Fletcher was not great. Skyelor fell apart. And no one is addressing that. Awkward.

Group 4: Tinuke Oyefule, Jennifay (really?) Nichols, Lauren Ashley, Reina Williams, and Brian Bradley (booooo)!!!! Hmmm.... Reina Williams is a female. But she does not look like a female. I mean this in the nicest way possible. Anyway, she is going to rap too, which makes Brian more than a little upset. That was strange. I don't really know what to do with that. Brian Bradley apparently messed up the lyrics. Which no one would know if he didn't tell us. Which makes rap not a musical genre. But anywho.

Group 5: Josh the Burrito Guy, Tiger Budbill, Nick Dean, some group, Andrew Muccitelli, James Kenney, and Thomas McAbee. I only remember Josh, Tiger, and Nick. Josh is awesome. I heart him more than I hearted Casey Abrams. The group Komplete (I'm pretty sure there's a 3 in there as a replacement for an e, but I think that's dumb) are all wearing striped shirts. Different colored striped shirts. They look like strange clowns. As opposed to non strange clowns? I'm very tired. Nick is falling apart. James has started singing and Nick just stands there looking sad. Poor Nick. HAHAHAHA! Komplete literally sang one note. The whole song. That was hilarious. Josh was awesome. As was Tiger. I don't know if Andrew was even on stage.

Group 6: Phillip Lomax, Tiah Tolliver (the girl that Nicole caved in on), Chesi Spriggs, Robert Cruz, Kelly Warner, Austin Simmons, and Nick Voss (the guy that fought with his razor and lost). I never saw Chesi audition, but I enjoy her tremendously. Tiah couldn't stay on pitch to save her life in her first audition. Simon threw a tantrum and Nicole ended up letting her in. She also appears to be a poser. Philip is irritating. Tiah is giving Nicole the stinkeye. And DUDE, I love Chesi Spriggs' voice! She's like Adele-ish. Austin is irritating. Tiah came to get it. And I think she just did. The rest of them are mediocre. Of this group, Tiah and Chesi should be in. Simon is feeling very proud of himself.

Group 7: Rachel Crow, Joshua Maddox, 4Shore, Hayley Orrantia, Illusion Confusion, Caylie Gregorio, De'Quan Allen, Ellona Santiago. I only remember Rachel and 4Shore. They are going to sing a Whitney Houston song. Holy Cow. Rachel is struggling. De'Quan scares me. Joshua just looks uncomfortable. RACHEL HAS PULLED IT OUT!!!!!!!! I love that little girl. This Hayley Orrantia is just like Haley Reinhardt. Irritating. Ellona is like Pia. Pitchy. Yo Dawg. From this group, Rachel should go through.

Group 8: Siameze, Jeremiah Pagan, Some group, Cesar De La Rosa, McKenna and Brock (who are not dating, but Brock would like that to change), Stereo Hoggz, and Emily something. McKenna now has decided she likes Brock. It's all very cheese. Siameze still has his hair crimped, by the way. A fact which I find unacceptable. Oy. Just sing. They're rambling on and on about how much they want this. Siameze is a hotel performer. And it shows. Jeremiah Pagan! He has some crazy chops! Where has this person been this whole time? Side bar: McKenna is very short. Back to task: Emily is like 7 years old and she has an amazing voice.

Oh, well, I guess we'll just make this post have two episodes on it. :)


Contestant Corral Day 2

Someone just compared Contestant Corral to Navy Seal Boot Camp. I'm pretty sure that's inaccurate.

We still have 5 groups left? Yikes.

Group 1: Brennin Hunt, some group, Marcus Canty, Matthew Johnson, Ma'At Bingham Shango, Chris Rene, and Gina Rene. They have "What's Goin' On?" Awesome. Ma'At is adorable. But pitchy. Gina is good. Brennin thinks he's a sparkly vampire. Marcus Canty is incredible. Chris was good. I don't understand what that group was doing there. They were terrible. Chris, Gina, and Marcus should be in from this group.

Nice, they're not even showing us the whole group songs.

So I'm just going to do the people that should go through from these groups. Is the group Kingston a set of twins? Hannah Bethel is part bird. Tim Cifers is a lovely country singer. Very Scotty McReery though. Matthew Slovacek is awkward. Kingston twins (?) have strange harmonies. Hannah Bethel has an average voice. Thomas Wells is inexplicable. Actually, no he's not. He is straight out of the Gaither Vocal Band. Don't know who they are? Google them. You won't be disappointed. And you will see that I am correct. Honestly, everyone but Kingston should go through.

Next group: Christa Collins thinks she's at a costume party and she has dressed like Jeannie. The Brewer Boys are sweet brothers. With Hair a la the Biebs. Hannah Jackson and Emma Henry fought for a verse. Hannah won. Everyone is changing the melody of "Chasing Cars." Why????? That song is fine the way it is. Christa was actually really good.

So all of the groups have been heard, by the judges at least.

Emma Henry is out. So are the striped clowns. So is Reina. And she is not pleased.

Chris Rene, Tiah, Paige Ogle are in.

Jazzlyn, Melanie, Stacy, Christa, Rachel, Tyler Budbill, Leroy, Burrito Guy are all in.

They will now be given 35 songs and they have to choose the one that represents them the best as an artist. They will then perform in front of 300,000 people.

Rachel Crow is up first. She's singing "If I were a Boy." She has so much talent in that little curly head of hair. I love her. I hope she wins the whole thing. One of the spots has just been taken. She is ridiculous.

Audrey Turner really seems like she's on drugs. Sorry.

Paige Ogle kind of sounds like she's singing through her sinuses.

Tiger Budbill is singing "Billy Jean" and I enjoy this arrangement. Not as much as David Cook's, but still. Awesome.

Josh Cradjick the Burrito Guy is up. He's singing "Up to the Mountain." His voice is just dirty. Good dirty. Side bar: I wish I played the piano as well as whoever this pianist is accompanying the contestants.

Simone Battle is irritating. She is going to sing "Your Song" by Elton John. She totally forgot the lyrics. She should be eliminated right there on the spot. First of all, you don't try to change that song melody-wise, and you most DEFINITELY do not mess up the lyrics.

Montage of terrible. Including 4Shore, Brockenna, and Siameze. Simon is having a problem with the fact that the contestants are changing their songs up way too much.

Stereo Hoggz are up. I have no idea what they're singing. But I do know that I do not enjoy it. Paul and I are in agreement. But apparently only with each other.

Brian Bradley is rapping as per usual.

Phillip Lomax is irritating. He just has a weird voice and a weird face.

Chris Rene is for sure making it through.

Nick Dean who forgot the lyrics in the ensemble round somehow made it through to this round. He's decent.

Stacy is up. Suddenly, a tragic story has cropped up. Her Dad passed away on the first day of bootcamp. I feel like they would have said something about this. But whatever. She's singing "Summertime." I could actually see her on Broadway. Well, off-Broadway. She had some nice moments. She also had some screech owl moments. She just bugs me. I can't explain it.

Tiah Tolliver (the one that Simon fought for) reminds me of Naima. But I like Naima more.

Cari Fletcher (a pretty blonde) is just ok, yo.

Drew (the young blonde) is up. She has large eyes and doesn't blink when she sings. She also does a weird scoop with her right hand that could get annoying. But she has an ok voice.

Caitlin Koch (another pretty blonde) is awesome. She's pretty, has a great voice, and is a good performer.

Leroy Bell, the old dude wearing the beanie, is a singer songwriter. He is singing "To Make You Feel My Love." It's gorgeous. I like him a LOT.

He was the last audition, so the judges are now going to decide who they'll bring home as their pet projects.

Everyone hopes they make it. I feel like that goes without saying. Simon has a heart and is sad to let people go. Who is this new, gentle, Simon? I want old Simon back.

The judges all have to choose, since they don't know which category they will have. So they're debating. And they've made decisions.

Girls are up first. Caitlin Koch is in. I'm for it. Tora is in. I'm for it. Simone Battle is in. I am VERY angry about this. She is the one that ruined the Elton John song. And she's just obnoxious. UGH. Drew is in. I'm ambivalent about it. Rachel Crow is in!!! I love her! I'm WAY for it! Jazzlyn Little is in. I'm for it. Melanie Amaro (my gurl), I'm definitely for it! Tiah Tolliver is in. I'm really surprised by this. Wow. They are getting rid of a lot of good girls. Emily, Ellona, Paige, Ma'At, a bunch of them.

Boys are next. Brennin the sparkly vampire wannabe is in. I'm against that. Brian Bradley, Baby Kanye, is in. I'm way against that. Skyelor Anderson, the country music guy, is in. I'm for it. Nick Voss, the dude who fought with his razor and lost, is in. I'm against it. Tim Ciphers, for it. Phillip Lomax, against it. Marcus Ganty, I'm ambivalent. Chris Rene! I'm for it!!!!! I love, love, love, his personality, his voice, etc. I don't know who any of those leftover boys are.

Groups are up. Stereo Pigz (I know it's Hogz, but the whole thing is really ridiculous, so why not change it up?), are in. I'm ambivalent. 2 Squared (what?), I'm ambivalent. 4 Shore, against it. Brewer Boys, FOR it. Illusion Confusion, ambivalent. The Anser to the Question No One Asked, ambivalent. Brock and McKenna are sad. The rest of the groups don't matter.

Old people (over 30). Elaine Gibbs is in. For it! She's incredible. Tiger Budbill, SO for it! Leroy Bell, WAY, WAY, WAY, for it! That guy is incredible. James Kenney is through, I'm ambivalent. Josh Burrito is in. Incredibly for it. Christa Collins, after hearing her yesterday, I'm for it. Dexter Haygood is in. I'm confused by it. Paula is doing the ugly cry. There is one spot left. Stacy Francis is in. I'm upset by this. Because Chris Rene's sister (Gina) is out. It makes me sad.

But wait, a twist. That I definitely knew nothing about in advance because an unnamed donut person told me. 14 contestants have been brought back. 14 random contestants. They are all under 30. Strange. One group of 4 girls, one group of 10 other people. It's strange. But there it is. They will be competing in the group category. I'm not really certain who was included. I saw Paige (I think), and Nick Dean, and Ma'At and some other people.

Now the judges will find out which category each judge will mentor. Paula wants the boys. Shocking. Nicole wants the girls. Simon wants the over 30's, but says it's not about making him happy, it's about making other people happy knowing he's their mentor. Ah, Simon. So humble. L.A. says he has a better shot of winning no matter which category he gets. Ah, L.A. So humble. Didn't I just say that? All the judges have the same ringtone. Nicole has the over 30's. L.A. has the boys. And an evil laugh. Paula has the groups. And is overwhelmed. Simon has the girls. Simon says they just made 8 girls very, very happy. Simon thinks it's hilarious that Paula has the groups because she has multiple personalities and well, so do they. L.A. Reid and Simon seem to think it's a head to head battle. Here are my thoughts.

Simon with the girls is fine. It would have been fine no matter what category he got. I'm happy for Rachel though, because if you're going to be in something like this, you should probably have somebody like Simon looking out for you.

L.A. Reid with the boys is awesome, simply for the fact that he is in charge of Baby Kanye. I, for one, hope he rips him a new one in 3.5 seconds or less. He does have a bit of an advantage though, because males tend to win these types of competitions. Who knows.

Paula with groups is strange. But it should be fun to watch her try to deal with all the crazy personalities and such.

Nicole with over 30's is also strange. But it will be interesting to see how she mentors musicians and what she brings to the table.

Next week, the Contestants go to the judges homes. Um, Simon has a grand piano in his backyard. By his pool. That would be fantastic. Turns out, the judges will be cutting their category in half. Ouch. I can't wait for next week.

They're Over Already?

Final Auditions are in Newark, New Jersey? Really? New Jersey?

Simon Cowell watches Jersey Shore. I just lost a huge amount of respect for him.

Brian Bradley is 14 years old. He thinks he'll be better than Jay-Z and Kanye. Oh, so he's irritating. Simon asks him why he hasn't had a record deal and he claims it's politics. He's already Kanye! All talk and no talent. He got all crazy with Simon. Telling him he's lucky they ain't in the streets. Simon really, seriously, has no clue what he's going on about. Neither do I, if I'm being ohnest. Suddenly, MiniKanye busts out with a rap telling everyone to quit looking at his Mom. And the place erupts? Except for Simon, who remains completely flabbergasted. Me too, dude. Me too. It's kind of the same reaction every time I hear Kanye West say or "sing" anything. Like, why is this man famous again? Why hasn't he been deported? Simon tells him he's arrogant, obnoxious, argumentative, and talented. Huh? I know I'm fighting a migraine and everything, but...srsly? All of the judges are smoking crack with Kanye, and he's headed to the Corral. Additionally, his Mom isn't really anything to look at.

Kelly Warner has an interesting voice. And she also has strange hair. Which is ironic because she's a hairdresser. Corral.

Aaron Surgeon looks like Lenny Kravitz in the 80s. I'm not totally blown away by his voice. Finally, Simon agrees with me! But alas, the other judges are mesmerized by his shiny hair so he too is going to the Corral.

A group, a guy in plaid, and a hippy all go to the Corral.

Andy has been single his whole life. No joke. He's going to sing "Hero" by Mariah. This is not a good idea on any level. It was bad. And he just got Paula's number.

Ice cream break.

And we're back.

Montage of terrible.

"Cashmere" likes to sing karaoke. Paula and Simon are laughing hysterically, for no reason. She's going to sing Mariah "Always Be My Baby." She's tone deaf. Tone. Deaf. Now Simon and Paula are laughing. But this time they have a reason. I don't know which is more painful, people that know they are tone deaf but don't care, or people who honestly have no idea that they are tone deaf and are really passionate about singing. Miss Kitty is the only one that isn't grinding poor Cashmere's hopes and dreams into the floor.

Nouf (actual name) when asked why she was here she literally said, "I'm in it to win it." This makes me laugh. A lot.

Jean Loup hula hoops and is a life coach. Simon finds him irritating and says he's a therapist. These are not the same things.

Maya Lehmann is 58 and she has been preparing for this for 58 years. She needs more time to prepare.

Cari Fletcher is a pretty blonde girl. She has a decent voice. Simon doesn't think she has a distinctive voice. I'd agree with that. But then he turns around and says yes, so I'm confused. Also confusing? The fact that they're playing "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman" by B. Spears.

Joshua Blaylock, Emily Michalak, Dorit Yohudan are all going to the Corral.

Austin and Emily have been BFFS since 6th grade. They're "Ausem", get it? They're singing "Jar of Hearts" which I love. Austin has a MUCH MUCH MUCH better voice than Emily. Sorry, Emily. Austin should lose Emily. But then he would just be "Aus." Nicole hems and haws around because she agrees with me (as does L.A.), Simon convinces her to say yes, and she does. After an unnecessarily long battle within herself.

Torah is going to school to be an "automotive technician." Or a mechanic. She's going to sing "I Want You Back" by Jackson 5. She is the 3rd person I will say will have the opportunity to be voted for. By me. I like her. A lot. I'm a little disturbed by the fact that she reminds me vaguely of Lady Gaga. Only better. And potentially more normal. She's in the Corral, fo sheezy.

I love that Miss Kitty takes on the personality of the people who are auditioning. If they are a little funky, she gets a little funky. If they are fragile, she gets way gentle. It's just amusing.

Jor-El is inspired by Madonna, Lady Gaga, Britney Spears. Oh. He's a male. His Mom just said, "That's my son!" and cried. Oh. I guess she was crying because she was happy? It's a no.

Many people think they should dance. Wrong show, yos. You're looking for So You Think You Can Dance. And I don't know if you would be successful there, either. Actually, I do know. You would not.

Stereo Hogzz are a group of friends from somewhere in Texas. Australian? Steve may have said "Austin" or he may have said "Houston." But it sounded like "Ooosten." They are distracting. I don't understand anything they're saying and there are too many things happening at once and my head hurts and my child is kicking me to death. Miss Kitty is talking with a Southern accent. See above statement regarding her taking on contestants personality. They are somehow through to the Corral.

I'm starting to think maybe the show is desperate for contestants to fill the Contestant Corral.

Simon is harassing Miss Kitty about using the word "instrument" to describe a voice.

Brennan Hunt wants to rule the world. So. There's that. He is Ob. Nox. Ious. He claims this song is an original that he wrote but it sounds amazingly familiar. This fool is going to make it to the stupid Corral. GAH!

Paige Elizabeth was good. Whoever came with her needs a hairbrush. She's going to the Corral.

Leroy Bell is awesome.

Brewer Boys and Nick Dean are a'ight.

Devon Talley is singing "Seasons of Love." Really, really badly. No rhythm, wrong lyrics, no pitch whatsoever. It's a huge no.

Jazzlyn Little is 16 and she is not confident at all. But she should be. She's possibly number 4. All of the judges except Simon get up off their chairs. Wassup with that?? She is really, really good. She needs to smile more, but she's AMAZING!

So that's all for auditions. Honestly, out of the people that auditioned there are 4 that I remember without looking back at my fantastic blog. Next week is Boot Camp (The Corral is a much better name). It looks very dramatic. Which should make some people I know VERY happy.

"I like my music with...life."

Can I ask what I think is a pretty obvious question? Why are we always traveling in semis to our new audition cities? We can't fly there? Sigh.

They're in Chicago today. Home of Kanye West and Jennifer Hudson. Jennifer Hudson is the only one I would mention. Kanye is a punk.

Australian(?) Steve is telling us all about the show again. He must think we have a very, very short attention sp...what was that?

Oh, ok this is new info. After these auditions, they will all go to bootcamp and THEN be broken down into the 4 groups.

Brock and Makenna sing together. Brock is 18. Makenna is 22. They have been best friends for a long time. Something tells me Brock would like to be more than friends. Yup, I was right. Oh, that's sad. Brock thinks Makenna doesn't know that he loves her. I think if he didn't stare at her like a creeper it would be less obvious. They're singing Zac Brown. Makenna looks like Amy Poehler doing a bad impression of some kind on SNL. It's ok harmony-wise. BUT they were off-tempo. I think Paul and I have a hearing problem because everyone else thinks they were awesome. Sigh. They're through to the Contestant Corral.

Side-note: Bonnie Lass Cheryl is filling in for Miss Kitty.

Kim is going to "sing" Katy Perry's "Firework." Her version is worse than the original. And I really hate the original.

Tim has never auditioned in his life. He thinks he should sing "Kiss from a Rose." Simon disagrees. Simon was right.

Robin Renee Royal is 45 and is dressed like....well...she's not dressed like a 45 year old should dress. And she sounds like....well....I just don't know.

Montage of terrible.

HAHA! Charlesia wants to be an additional judge. She literally just auditioned to be a judge by telling the judges what she thinks about Britney Spears. She does not find her entertaining, let's leave it at that.

Skylar is 16. He wants to sing country music. He's unique because he's African American and wants to sing country. That actually is unique. He wants to help his Momma. He's sweet. He's wicked nervous. His track just stopped, but he kept right on singing. This kid is awesome. And look at his sweet smile! They love him. He's through to the Corral.

Mark is a grad student at a "school in Europe" studying philosophy. Both sides of his brain work simultaneously. Uh, yeah. He doesn't want to be a cookie cutter artist. Then he should probably not audition for these kinds of shows. He's very awkward. He is going to be at the helms of a renaissance in 10 years time. Uh....

Paula: "So Mark, what are you going to sing?"
Mark: "Uh, Radiohead's "Creep.""
Paula: "Oh...fitting."
Me: "LOL!!!"

He's dancing. This is not terrible. I can't believe I even said that. Paula tells him he's in another jurisdiction and that she has visited there once or twice. Which Simon finds extremely amusing. Paula, L.A. and Bonnie Lass put him through to the Corral. He'll never survive boot camp.

Paula's followers have all come out to play. And Paula has been sipping the Crazy Cup again, it appears.

Arin Ray is a'ight for me, for you. Sorry I have to pepper them in every once in a while.

Josh Crajcik (actual spelling) is a Momma's boy and he smells like Mexican food. His Mom is a crazy person. Literally. He is going to sing "At Last." I've already heard good things about him, so I have high expectations. This usually ends disappointingly for me.




Except for now. He is the equivalent to Casey Abrams. Only, possibly better. Simon was pleasantly surprised. Uh, yeah. Me too. He's obviously through to the Corral. We will have the opportunity to vote for him. Assuming we will have the opportunity to vote ever...I should really research how this works. On an unrelated note, I may not be able to tolerate his mother.

We've moved to a new city. Seattle. Paula pinched her arm in a bracelet. Oh Paula.

The Good Girls are auditioning. They're Mother and daughter. It's not looking promising. They're actually really bad. Simon thinks it's not serious. Miss Kitty (who is back) likes her music with life, and that was lifeless. Best. Line. Of. The. Night.

Drew is a girl. And she loves Justin Bieber. Shock. She's 15. She wants to sing with The Bieb. She is 14. She is going to sing "Baby" by Justin Bieber. She does many poo squats. And she has knobby knees. This is more enjoyable than the original, for sure. She's probably through to the Corral. Yup. I mean, it was fine. But I'm not sure we need to put all our eggs in that basket, knowwhatImean?

Some group gets "Girls, I don't love you"- from Miss Kitty. rawr.

Peter has dwarf parents. That's so interesting to me. Genetics are weird. He's 6 feet tall and his Mom is 4 feet tall. His Dad is the second tallest dwarf in the world. I don't really understand that, but ok. He's 21 but he wants to be a teen heartthrob. Simon and L.A. find him hilarious. He is singing "Billionaire" but he's changing the lyrics. It was just ok. The singing was bad, but he was charming. It's a no. He has to continue being a tall person in a dwarf family.

4 Sure is a group. They want to get 18 Grammys. They are going to sing "End of the Road" by Boyz II Men. L.A. Reid apparently wrote this song. He looks concerned at this choice. He looks less concerned now. Since they're AWESOME and all. Dude. They're awesome. L.A. was having a little moment right there at his table. They're going to the Corral.

Elaine Gibbs is a good old school soul singer. And she's a Grandma. I enjoy her. She's going to the Corral.

Francesca Duncan is 17. She sings "Hero" a la Mariah. And it's decent. She is going to the Corral. I don't expect to see her again.

A couple other people who are varying degrees of acceptably talented who evidently make it to the Corral. Including a man named Tiger. Not that one.

Philip is a waiter. And he's a hipster. Which is irritating. He's singing Frank Sinatra and he's trying tooooooooo hard. He drives me crazy. Crazy I tell you. Which of course means he'll make it through to not only the Corral but also to the portion where we may or may not vote. Simon tells him there's an issue with his voice when he pushes. Um, yeah, it's terrible. They are putting him through because he's entertaining.

Which brings me to my biggest complaint about this show. This is less about a singing competition and more about the "entertainment" of the person. So terrible singers are getting put through because they're "interesting" or "entertaining." Boo.

Apparently, Paula and Miss Kitty are accused of not putting girls in just because they are girls. Well, that's better than Simon and L.A. putting girls in just because they are girls. Pia....

The best one is some girl that sings something not so great and Simon tells her he imagines that's what Nicole would have sounded like if she had been 20 auditioning for the show. Nicole tells him that she DID audition for a show when she was 20 and she sang "I Will Always Love You." Then she sings it. And it's amazing. Miss Kitty can sing. The contestant is not amused.

Tia Tolliver is 19 and has bright red lips. She has trouble staying on key. She did it a cappella. Simon is going to fight for her. The girls don't like her. Simon is really mad. Paula is mad too. Simon says, "If you can't see this, you're deaf." Uh, Simon, you have your senses mixed up. It's tied, Simon throws a cup, and L.A. tells her she needs to sing again to try and get another yes. Yes, this is dramatic, but I think it's actually legit. She sings "It Don't Mean a Thing," except she thinks it's "it don't mean a thing if it ain't got that sing." Simon is wrong about this girl. I feel like I'm committing treason. She eventually convinces Miss Kitty to switch to yes. Something about steel in her eyes.

Tomorrow is the last of the auditions. That's strange. Auditions don't take 4 months to get through? Score one for X Factor.

Auditions #2: "I don't understand, like, he signed Pink."

First off, people are already saying that X Factor is no different than American Idol. I agree that it's the same basic premise, but to say that it's no different than American Idol seems a little premature. I just don't think you can make that kind of judgment based on one episode.

The host named Steve that I still know nothing about is telling us, again, what the show is for, what the prize is, and who the judges are.

They are in Miami for these auditions.

Ashley Sansone is irritating. She is unemployed. So are most people in America. She inspires herself. And she talks a lot. A LOT. And she cannot sing. No wonder she is an unemployed starving artist. She's crazy. L.A. Reid wanted to slit his wrists when she sang. Simon couldn't understand her, even though he's English. It's a no for the contestant corral.

Chanel Simone Dixon thinks she might be Lady Gaga. She's terrible. And she demands that the judges explain themselves when they tell her no.

Kanan Road is a group of 3 cowboys. They had better harmonies than that stupid boy band they put through yesterday. But they're still not great. And it's a no.

The Dreamgirlz are a Mother and daughter. One of their family members is having a very visceral reaction to the fact that they are not put through. He's embarrassing their family. As if the Dreamgirlz themselves did not do that.

Simon is doing Verizon commercials? He may be a sell-out.

Marissa Hopson sings, "like a 3 year old with a cold"- Simon Cowell. He is accurate.

Gloria Estefan is here for some reason. "Come on, shake your body baby, do that ConGAH!"

Caitlynn Curtis is 16 and I'm going to go out on a limb and say she likes the color yellow. She's going to sing "Firework." This is the best version I've heard of this. But her facial expressions are very over the top. She has a good voice, but her facial expressions are seriously offputting. Miss Kitty says she has room to grow. Simon tells her to find other people to sing with so she doesn't have to rely on a fantastic vocal. Caitlynn is crying. She's doing the ugly cry. And for some reason they're playing T Swift "White Horse." Paula is hugging her. Which I'm sure will be seen as too dramatic or resembling WWF somehow.... ;) You know what I kind of miss? I kind of miss the suspense that the contestants family feels when the people audition on Idol. Cause they can't see their family member and then they come out with or without the yellow ticket.

Simon is very upset at how terrible this day has been. He's taking a break.

Nick Voss had an accident with his razor on the right side of his head and his right eyebrow. It's unfortunate.

Peppered into Nick's story we have the judges talking about how if there is no talent coming in, they are concerned about the success of the show. Don't worry about it, Idol has had that problem for a couple years and they managed to get nominated for an Emmy. Ohhhhh.....Burrrrrrn!!!!

Back to Nick. He's been doing this since he was 5. He's going to sing Elvis Presley. Oh, I see, he wants to be an Elvis impersonator. The audience appears to not be hearing what I am hearing. They are freaking out. He's really not good. Please, Simon, tell him it was karaoke. Please, please, please. Sidebar: Nick's Mom is strange. L.A. tells him that since it's about entertainment, he's good. If it was just singing, he's not so good. Miss Kitty thinks he's Jim Carrey/Jerry Lee Lewis/Elvis. Paula tells him to lose the Michael Jackson choreography and work on his vocals. Simon loves him. Simon has been invaded by aliens. I don't know if I can watch this. He's going to the corral.

Ashley Deckert is up. She is a ghosthunter. So there you go. Simon is questioning her about seeing ghosts. Paula claims she sees ghosts too. No, Paula, you see the effects of whatever is in that magical crazy cup you've got there. This is why I love you. Miss Kitty looks very upset about the whole ghost situation. L.A. Reid says no. They all say no. She is now going to send ghosts/demons to torment the judges by presenting terrible auditioners.

For the record, yes, this is cheesy. But really, Idol had those moments too in the auditions all. the. time.

Miss Kitty is seriously freaked out by the ghost thing. Still.

Marivana Escuvo is an ex-music teacher. And she is very strange. She sings "Summertime" and at first I thought she said "the leaving is easy." In retrospect though, she has a Russian-esque accent and that's just her pronunciation. Glad I didn't say anyth....oh. Anyway, she's through to the contestant corral. She'll be fun.

2Squar'd is a group. They're the first group I've semi-enjoyed. Paul X'ed them. Very loudly. They're through.

Kendra Williams has a very good voice. She's through.

These auditions are moving fast.

Brendan O'Hara is single, which Miss Kitty makes sure to find out. He's a music instructor. He's through.

Jeremiah is a male soprano. One of 7 in the world. I'm going to say that number is wrong. His voice is fine, but he kind of irritates me. Not enough to reach the status of a certain Idol contestant who shall remain nameless but screamed a lot last season, but still.

Melanie wants to only sing and never talk. That would be fun. She's very good. I like her a lot. It's a very rich tone and she has really great control. Her family is sweet. L.A. is FEELIN' it! Wow, she is amazing. Seriously, amazing. I hope Pia is watching this, because that's how you sing a ballad, with a large note and stay on pitch. Oh, and she didn't land any planes. I'm just sayin'. By far, 1000% better than Pia ever was. She's through to the corral. I'm going to even say that she is going to the live round. I'm not really sure how the whole thing works, but I predict we will have the chance to vote for her.

Dallas! Ohmyheavenlyday, Steve! You don't need to tell us the rundown on the show at every new audition city. We're semi-intelligent. We can remember what you said 30 minutes ago.

Johnny Rogers has dumb hair, which he thinks looks great. It looks like he has a fan blowing his hair forward 100% of the time. Where have I seen that hair....? Oh wait, the Biebs. He even has dance moves. Oh no, he's terrible. The judges say he's entertaining, but they say it in such a way that it's more like, "Oh, that was so silly, and sweet, but no." So The Biebs is out. Oh, if only that was true.

Miss Kitty has started talking like a Texan and apparently that's a bad thing? I disagree.

Dylan lives in the boondocks. He sold his truck. And he just wants to progress in music. Oh no. He's Scotty McReery. Please no. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Oh. No. So he's obviously there on a dare. And before we decide that he's WWF-esque, let's just go ahead and say that this is not any different than the crazy-cakes contestants on Idol.

Uh. The wheelchair bound kid from Glee is up and walking around doing a Pepsi commercial. IT'S A MIRACLE!!!!

Montage of Terrible.

Dexter Heygood (sp?) is wearing platform heels. He's a combo of Mick Jagger, James Brown, and Elvis Presley. He better hope he's good. He has a sweet denim jacket, though. He was in a band in the 80's. No. Simon finally says karaoke. L.A. Reid agrees. Paula basically says the same thing. Simon wants him to sing something else. His a cappella is much better than his "Sex Machine" song earlier. Once again, Simon is correct. He's through to the corral.

Kyle Corr, Hannah Jackson, Ma'At Bingham, Austin Simmons all made it.

Caitlyn Koch is a rugby coach. That's an odd profession. She's going to sing "Stop, in the name of loooooove." I don't know if I like her voice or not. I sort of do. I do enjoy the arrangement of this song. She's through to the corral. L.A. Reid really likes her a lot. Miss Kitty wants to work with her. Paula uses a lot of words. Simon says no more rugby.

Xander is extremely arrogant. Also, his actual name is Alexander but he refuses to be called Alexander. So, I'm going to call him Alexander. He is Obnoxious. Calling Simon Simone, threatening to take him outside. Not only is he Obnoxious, he's Terrible. Simon likes him? Huh? The world is ending. Paula says he's her hero. Miss Kitty tells him to lose the attitude. It's a nopeity nope, because L.A. and Paula said no. Paula Abdul, unlikely voice of reason.

Oh Happy Day!

The following takes place between the hours of 8:50 PM and 10:50 PM. Events happen in real time. (But 50 minutes delayed).


It's here. Officially here. I almost don't believe it.

Again, the judges are:

Simon Cowell: Hereby called His Majesty
Nicole Scherzinger: I still have to find a nickname for her
L.A. Reid: Hereby called Randy Jackson 2.0
Paula Abdul: Hereby called Queen Crazy

Something called Cheryl Cole is also participating in this. What? I'm confused.

People of all ages are permitted to audition. The prize is a $5M recording contract with Sony. There is much anxiety.

Someone named Steve is hosting. He has an accent. It could be British. It could be Australian. It could be something else entirely.

His Majesty is responsible for 300 million record sales. He's a bad dude.

Randy Jackson 2.0 is responsible for launching the careers of Mariah Carey, Pink, Rihanna and others. Thanks for that. He was the chairman of Island Def Jam and he walked away from it for this show. Also a bad dude.

Cheryl Cole will be here for L.A. Auditions. She was part of a girl group a la Spice Girls. She's Irish. But other than that, meh.

Queen Crazy is back. And she's still crazy.

The 4 categories are Boys, Girls, Over 30 and Groups. Each judge will mentor a category, then choose contestants to go to the live shows to compete for votes. It's unclear how the votes will work.

The auditions take place in arenas full of people. Which I happen to think is fantastic. This way, the judges can see exactly how the audience responds to them before sending them to the live show to be flayed in front of the American public. Is flayed the right word there? *thinks about looking for a dictionary* Who cares?

Rachel Crow is auditioning. See my previous post about her on the 8 minute preview. She is adorable. So is her Grandma. The crowd is on their feet. The judges are animated while watching her. I enjoy it. Queen Crazy: "You just did what we need everyone to do." Bonnie Lass Cole: "We found ourselves a little stah." Randy Jackson 2.0: "Many, many positive adjectives." His Majesty: "You are the reason we were right to take the ages down so low. Remember these two words, Rachel Crow, because I think we're going to be hearing a lot about you." She is going to the category corral I guess.

Side note: My kid is swishing around like a little fishy. He must love Simon too!

His Majesty and Queen Crazy are bickering.

Terrell Carter is an apparently attractive African American man. I say apparently because Bonnie Lass Cole and Queen Crazy have been rendered speechless. He's alright. He's very Boyz II Men. Bonnie Lass Cole says he's got the whole package, which sends the incredibly mature audience in to hysterical fits of laughter. He has 4 yeses and will be going to the category corral.

Ellona Santiago is 14 and she yells. But she gets 4 yeses. Hrm.

A little tweeny boy named John comes out and the little bitty tweeny girls freak out. He sang "Forget You." It was alright. It was Justin Beiber but better. Not saying much, really. I obviously really enjoyed it. He's through.

An individual named Siamese is going to audition. He, apparently, is 30. He is going to be a MEGAstar, not a superstar, a MEGAstar. When he achieves MEGAstarhood he will have an energy drink named Simenergy. I don't know of anyone who would drink that. He's like a clash between Prince and something from Avatar. Paul just made the "X" sound from America's Got Talent. Simon and L.A. Reid appear to agree. I'm pretty sure a cracked out Patti LaBelle is related to him. Or supporting him. Or wandered in off the street. No disrespect Patti. Anyway, it's not pleasant. He's doing a lot of gyrating. His Majesty finally stopped him. Bonnie Lass Cole: "Do I love this or do I think it's kinda weird? And I don't know the answeh yet." I lurve her accent. Lurve. I will look her up later. His Majesty: "You're obviously a fan of Prince. It was very copycat." Me: "Ah, Simon. This is why I have missed you. We are critiquing soul mates." Simon has been sipping from the Crazy Queen's cup. He just put him through to the category corral. I don't understand. Everyone has been put through to the corral.

Dan and Venita are Dan and Venita. They are 70 and 83 respectively. They're driving to L.A. They made it. They are not thrilled about paying $5 for a hot dog. Oh, they're sweet. They've been married for 2 years. What? His Majesty: "Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?" Dan: "5 at a time?" No, Dan. They want to use the $5M to sing in all the beautiful senior centers in their travel home. They're sweet. But they cannot sing. Simon hopes Dan treats Venita well. That's odd of him to say. Oh, it's not good. Simon is cracking up. I think I'm going to revert back to calling Simon by his given name. I may use His Majesty for special occasions.

Montage of terrible. <3 I literally just FFW through one because it was really, really terrible. Some girl just told Simon he was wrong. Oh, honey. Not a good plan.

Apparently, the winner will also get a Pepsi commercial. Y'know, like Ray Charles and Michael Jackson. Oh, and Britney Spears.

Simone Battle is fierce. She said so. 450 times. Simon calls her out as annoying. Love, love, love. She's singing a song by the Pussycat Dolls. She knows she's 1 person and they're many...people....right? I dislike it. I dislike her. I just, do. Her voice is not great. So don't give me the, "You just don't like her 'cause she's pretty" thing. Simon: "I think you'd be fun to watch as a performer, you interest me." Me: "Who is this person that has invaded Simon Cowell's body????" Bonnie Lass Cole: "I enjoyed it." L.A. Reid: "I completely disagree." Simon made her sing again. L.A. still says no. Oh boy, she annoys me. She goes to the category corral.

There is a rivalry between L.A. Reid and Simon Cowell. Apparently, Simon thinks L.A. is the best record exec in the land and L.A. thinks Simon is the best talent man in the land. They are usually at opposite ends. So that'll be fun. Honestly, I don't overtly agree with one over the other. Maybe I will as the season continues.

Stacy Francis. See previous post. I still think her age and her children's ages do not make sense. She's pretty fantastic though. There is much crying. And she's through to the category corral.

Now we're in Seattle. Steve is telling us, again, what is happening with this show. Except that Nicole Scherzinger is here instead of Bonnie Lass Cole.

A man in his PJs is going to audition. His name is Geo. My favorite part of this show, other than Simon, is that every time the music starts, it shows the sound man pressing play. Geo, uhm, exposed himself. Paula got sick to her stomach and may or may not have thrown up. He was told no. Duh.

Marcus is going to audition. Suddenly, there's a thing that says 10 minutes later and he's laying on the floor non-responsive. Huh? Oh, I see, we're going to reminisce. I enjoy him. I'm hoping he passes out because he's very excited and not because he had a stroke. He doesn't have the best voice in the world but he's quite the performer. Paula and Nicole are dancing. He's laying on the floor. Ok, good. He's alright. L.A. Reid: "I worked with Bobby Brown, and I've been looking for him ever since." Me: "That's offensive. Bobby Brown is a nut. This kid is sweet and not going to run off and marry Whitney Houston and destroy one of the greatest voices of our time." I digress. Nicole: "You is what we lookin' for babe." Me: "You is inarticulate." Paula: "Everything about you is relevant. You're adorable and you illuminate the room." Simon: "Normally I say you do not sing this song, but I really, really like you." He's through to the category corral.

It's Miss Kitty's birthday. MISS KITTY! That's what I'm calling Nicole. Because she was a Pussycat Doll, see. Maybe?

There's a boy band auditioning. They are The Answer. The Answer to what, exactly? They live in Salt Lake City and let's just say, I don't know how they fit in there. They're singing Adele. Girl song. Oh and apparently they are The Anser, which makes me ask, huh? They're harmonies are not happening. L.A. says yes. Miss Kitty says yes. Paula says yes. Simon says yes. I just don't see the appeal. I'm sorry.

Nikki is going to audition. She is seriously standing there very apathetic. She is terrible. She can't actually think she sings well. Someone dared her to do this. Miss Kitty tells her she has range. Nici: "It's the register." Miss Kitty: "Yes, many...many registers." I enjoy Miss Kitty. Even though she won DWTS just because she was paired with Derek. Ew. Derek. Anyway, back to Nici the screech owl. She got 4 no's, and she is flabbergasted.

How did I miss this before? When the contestants are done auditioning they go into this little box and the inside is totally white. They look like they are in Heaven or something talking to us from the Great Beyond. Well, they look like they should be hanging out with Morgan Freeman in Bruce/Evan Almighty, anyway.

A Mom/Daughter duo are going to sing Stevie Wonder. They should be eliminated just for that. They got eliminated because they stink.

Darren has a girlfriend who has invested 100,000 dollars or more in his career. She needs her money back. Also, he has a strange cackle-y laugh.

This group of girls is singing a cappella. They're weird.

Chris Renee is a garbage man. He just got out of rehab. So that's cool. He's singing an original song. Which does not suck. Which is surprising. He's like Eminem but not scary. The judges, with the exception of Simon, are all grooving. Simon does not groove, under any circumstance. He's through to the category corral. L.A. Reid really is Randy Jackson 2.0, he has name dropped 2x. Simon told him his favorite moment is when he meets a star for the first time. He also says he's not sure if Chris needs the show or if the show needs Chris. The judges are very encouraging for him to stay clean.

And that's all for tonight. I did not agree with all of the choices, but when do I ever? All I know is, I'm glad Simon and Paula are back. L.A. is enjoyable. And Miss Kitty is surprisingly pleasant.