Thursday, September 29, 2011

They're Over Already?

Final Auditions are in Newark, New Jersey? Really? New Jersey?

Simon Cowell watches Jersey Shore. I just lost a huge amount of respect for him.

Brian Bradley is 14 years old. He thinks he'll be better than Jay-Z and Kanye. Oh, so he's irritating. Simon asks him why he hasn't had a record deal and he claims it's politics. He's already Kanye! All talk and no talent. He got all crazy with Simon. Telling him he's lucky they ain't in the streets. Simon really, seriously, has no clue what he's going on about. Neither do I, if I'm being ohnest. Suddenly, MiniKanye busts out with a rap telling everyone to quit looking at his Mom. And the place erupts? Except for Simon, who remains completely flabbergasted. Me too, dude. Me too. It's kind of the same reaction every time I hear Kanye West say or "sing" anything. Like, why is this man famous again? Why hasn't he been deported? Simon tells him he's arrogant, obnoxious, argumentative, and talented. Huh? I know I'm fighting a migraine and everything, but...srsly? All of the judges are smoking crack with Kanye, and he's headed to the Corral. Additionally, his Mom isn't really anything to look at.

Kelly Warner has an interesting voice. And she also has strange hair. Which is ironic because she's a hairdresser. Corral.

Aaron Surgeon looks like Lenny Kravitz in the 80s. I'm not totally blown away by his voice. Finally, Simon agrees with me! But alas, the other judges are mesmerized by his shiny hair so he too is going to the Corral.

A group, a guy in plaid, and a hippy all go to the Corral.

Andy has been single his whole life. No joke. He's going to sing "Hero" by Mariah. This is not a good idea on any level. It was bad. And he just got Paula's number.

Ice cream break.

And we're back.

Montage of terrible.

"Cashmere" likes to sing karaoke. Paula and Simon are laughing hysterically, for no reason. She's going to sing Mariah "Always Be My Baby." She's tone deaf. Tone. Deaf. Now Simon and Paula are laughing. But this time they have a reason. I don't know which is more painful, people that know they are tone deaf but don't care, or people who honestly have no idea that they are tone deaf and are really passionate about singing. Miss Kitty is the only one that isn't grinding poor Cashmere's hopes and dreams into the floor.

Nouf (actual name) when asked why she was here she literally said, "I'm in it to win it." This makes me laugh. A lot.

Jean Loup hula hoops and is a life coach. Simon finds him irritating and says he's a therapist. These are not the same things.

Maya Lehmann is 58 and she has been preparing for this for 58 years. She needs more time to prepare.

Cari Fletcher is a pretty blonde girl. She has a decent voice. Simon doesn't think she has a distinctive voice. I'd agree with that. But then he turns around and says yes, so I'm confused. Also confusing? The fact that they're playing "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman" by B. Spears.

Joshua Blaylock, Emily Michalak, Dorit Yohudan are all going to the Corral.

Austin and Emily have been BFFS since 6th grade. They're "Ausem", get it? They're singing "Jar of Hearts" which I love. Austin has a MUCH MUCH MUCH better voice than Emily. Sorry, Emily. Austin should lose Emily. But then he would just be "Aus." Nicole hems and haws around because she agrees with me (as does L.A.), Simon convinces her to say yes, and she does. After an unnecessarily long battle within herself.

Torah is going to school to be an "automotive technician." Or a mechanic. She's going to sing "I Want You Back" by Jackson 5. She is the 3rd person I will say will have the opportunity to be voted for. By me. I like her. A lot. I'm a little disturbed by the fact that she reminds me vaguely of Lady Gaga. Only better. And potentially more normal. She's in the Corral, fo sheezy.

I love that Miss Kitty takes on the personality of the people who are auditioning. If they are a little funky, she gets a little funky. If they are fragile, she gets way gentle. It's just amusing.

Jor-El is inspired by Madonna, Lady Gaga, Britney Spears. Oh. He's a male. His Mom just said, "That's my son!" and cried. Oh. I guess she was crying because she was happy? It's a no.

Many people think they should dance. Wrong show, yos. You're looking for So You Think You Can Dance. And I don't know if you would be successful there, either. Actually, I do know. You would not.

Stereo Hogzz are a group of friends from somewhere in Texas. Australian? Steve may have said "Austin" or he may have said "Houston." But it sounded like "Ooosten." They are distracting. I don't understand anything they're saying and there are too many things happening at once and my head hurts and my child is kicking me to death. Miss Kitty is talking with a Southern accent. See above statement regarding her taking on contestants personality. They are somehow through to the Corral.

I'm starting to think maybe the show is desperate for contestants to fill the Contestant Corral.

Simon is harassing Miss Kitty about using the word "instrument" to describe a voice.

Brennan Hunt wants to rule the world. So. There's that. He is Ob. Nox. Ious. He claims this song is an original that he wrote but it sounds amazingly familiar. This fool is going to make it to the stupid Corral. GAH!

Paige Elizabeth was good. Whoever came with her needs a hairbrush. She's going to the Corral.

Leroy Bell is awesome.

Brewer Boys and Nick Dean are a'ight.

Devon Talley is singing "Seasons of Love." Really, really badly. No rhythm, wrong lyrics, no pitch whatsoever. It's a huge no.

Jazzlyn Little is 16 and she is not confident at all. But she should be. She's possibly number 4. All of the judges except Simon get up off their chairs. Wassup with that?? She is really, really good. She needs to smile more, but she's AMAZING!

So that's all for auditions. Honestly, out of the people that auditioned there are 4 that I remember without looking back at my fantastic blog. Next week is Boot Camp (The Corral is a much better name). It looks very dramatic. Which should make some people I know VERY happy.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

"I like my music"

Can I ask what I think is a pretty obvious question? Why are we always traveling in semis to our new audition cities? We can't fly there? Sigh.

They're in Chicago today. Home of Kanye West and Jennifer Hudson. Jennifer Hudson is the only one I would mention. Kanye is a punk.

Australian(?) Steve is telling us all about the show again. He must think we have a very, very short attention sp...what was that?

Oh, ok this is new info. After these auditions, they will all go to bootcamp and THEN be broken down into the 4 groups.

Brock and Makenna sing together. Brock is 18. Makenna is 22. They have been best friends for a long time. Something tells me Brock would like to be more than friends. Yup, I was right. Oh, that's sad. Brock thinks Makenna doesn't know that he loves her. I think if he didn't stare at her like a creeper it would be less obvious. They're singing Zac Brown. Makenna looks like Amy Poehler doing a bad impression of some kind on SNL. It's ok harmony-wise. BUT they were off-tempo. I think Paul and I have a hearing problem because everyone else thinks they were awesome. Sigh. They're through to the Contestant Corral.

Side-note: Bonnie Lass Cheryl is filling in for Miss Kitty.

Kim is going to "sing" Katy Perry's "Firework." Her version is worse than the original. And I really hate the original.

Tim has never auditioned in his life. He thinks he should sing "Kiss from a Rose." Simon disagrees. Simon was right.

Robin Renee Royal is 45 and is dressed like....well...she's not dressed like a 45 year old should dress. And she sounds like....well....I just don't know.

Montage of terrible.

HAHA! Charlesia wants to be an additional judge. She literally just auditioned to be a judge by telling the judges what she thinks about Britney Spears. She does not find her entertaining, let's leave it at that.

Skylar is 16. He wants to sing country music. He's unique because he's African American and wants to sing country. That actually is unique. He wants to help his Momma. He's sweet. He's wicked nervous. His track just stopped, but he kept right on singing. This kid is awesome. And look at his sweet smile! They love him. He's through to the Corral.

Mark is a grad student at a "school in Europe" studying philosophy. Both sides of his brain work simultaneously. Uh, yeah. He doesn't want to be a cookie cutter artist. Then he should probably not audition for these kinds of shows. He's very awkward. He is going to be at the helms of a renaissance in 10 years time. Uh....

Paula: "So Mark, what are you going to sing?"
Mark: "Uh, Radiohead's "Creep.""
Paula: "Oh...fitting."
Me: "LOL!!!"

He's dancing. This is not terrible. I can't believe I even said that. Paula tells him he's in another jurisdiction and that she has visited there once or twice. Which Simon finds extremely amusing. Paula, L.A. and Bonnie Lass put him through to the Corral. He'll never survive boot camp.

Paula's followers have all come out to play. And Paula has been sipping the Crazy Cup again, it appears.

Arin Ray is a'ight for me, for you. Sorry I have to pepper them in every once in a while.

Josh Crajcik (actual spelling) is a Momma's boy and he smells like Mexican food. His Mom is a crazy person. Literally. He is going to sing "At Last." I've already heard good things about him, so I have high expectations. This usually ends disappointingly for me.

Except for now. He is the equivalent to Casey Abrams. Only, possibly better. Simon was pleasantly surprised. Uh, yeah. Me too. He's obviously through to the Corral. We will have the opportunity to vote for him. Assuming we will have the opportunity to vote ever...I should really research how this works. On an unrelated note, I may not be able to tolerate his mother.

We've moved to a new city. Seattle. Paula pinched her arm in a bracelet. Oh Paula.

The Good Girls are auditioning. They're Mother and daughter. It's not looking promising. They're actually really bad. Simon thinks it's not serious. Miss Kitty (who is back) likes her music with life, and that was lifeless. Best. Line. Of. The. Night.

Drew is a girl. And she loves Justin Bieber. Shock. She's 15. She wants to sing with The Bieb. She is 14. She is going to sing "Baby" by Justin Bieber. She does many poo squats. And she has knobby knees. This is more enjoyable than the original, for sure. She's probably through to the Corral. Yup. I mean, it was fine. But I'm not sure we need to put all our eggs in that basket, knowwhatImean?

Some group gets "Girls, I don't love you"- from Miss Kitty. rawr.

Peter has dwarf parents. That's so interesting to me. Genetics are weird. He's 6 feet tall and his Mom is 4 feet tall. His Dad is the second tallest dwarf in the world. I don't really understand that, but ok. He's 21 but he wants to be a teen heartthrob. Simon and L.A. find him hilarious. He is singing "Billionaire" but he's changing the lyrics. It was just ok. The singing was bad, but he was charming. It's a no. He has to continue being a tall person in a dwarf family.

4 Sure is a group. They want to get 18 Grammys. They are going to sing "End of the Road" by Boyz II Men. L.A. Reid apparently wrote this song. He looks concerned at this choice. He looks less concerned now. Since they're AWESOME and all. Dude. They're awesome. L.A. was having a little moment right there at his table. They're going to the Corral.

Elaine Gibbs is a good old school soul singer. And she's a Grandma. I enjoy her. She's going to the Corral.

Francesca Duncan is 17. She sings "Hero" a la Mariah. And it's decent. She is going to the Corral. I don't expect to see her again.

A couple other people who are varying degrees of acceptably talented who evidently make it to the Corral. Including a man named Tiger. Not that one.

Philip is a waiter. And he's a hipster. Which is irritating. He's singing Frank Sinatra and he's trying tooooooooo hard. He drives me crazy. Crazy I tell you. Which of course means he'll make it through to not only the Corral but also to the portion where we may or may not vote. Simon tells him there's an issue with his voice when he pushes. Um, yeah, it's terrible. They are putting him through because he's entertaining.

Which brings me to my biggest complaint about this show. This is less about a singing competition and more about the "entertainment" of the person. So terrible singers are getting put through because they're "interesting" or "entertaining." Boo.

Apparently, Paula and Miss Kitty are accused of not putting girls in just because they are girls. Well, that's better than Simon and L.A. putting girls in just because they are girls. Pia....

The best one is some girl that sings something not so great and Simon tells her he imagines that's what Nicole would have sounded like if she had been 20 auditioning for the show. Nicole tells him that she DID audition for a show when she was 20 and she sang "I Will Always Love You." Then she sings it. And it's amazing. Miss Kitty can sing. The contestant is not amused.

Tia Tolliver is 19 and has bright red lips. She has trouble staying on key. She did it a cappella. Simon is going to fight for her. The girls don't like her. Simon is really mad. Paula is mad too. Simon says, "If you can't see this, you're deaf." Uh, Simon, you have your senses mixed up. It's tied, Simon throws a cup, and L.A. tells her she needs to sing again to try and get another yes. Yes, this is dramatic, but I think it's actually legit. She sings "It Don't Mean a Thing," except she thinks it's "it don't mean a thing if it ain't got that sing." Simon is wrong about this girl. I feel like I'm committing treason. She eventually convinces Miss Kitty to switch to yes. Something about steel in her eyes.

Tomorrow is the last of the auditions. That's strange. Auditions don't take 4 months to get through? Score one for X Factor.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Auditions #2: "I don't understand, like, he signed Pink."

First off, people are already saying that X Factor is no different than American Idol. I agree that it's the same basic premise, but to say that it's no different than American Idol seems a little premature. I just don't think you can make that kind of judgment based on one episode.

The host named Steve that I still know nothing about is telling us, again, what the show is for, what the prize is, and who the judges are.

They are in Miami for these auditions.

Ashley Sansone is irritating. She is unemployed. So are most people in America. She inspires herself. And she talks a lot. A LOT. And she cannot sing. No wonder she is an unemployed starving artist. She's crazy. L.A. Reid wanted to slit his wrists when she sang. Simon couldn't understand her, even though he's English. It's a no for the contestant corral.

Chanel Simone Dixon thinks she might be Lady Gaga. She's terrible. And she demands that the judges explain themselves when they tell her no.

Kanan Road is a group of 3 cowboys. They had better harmonies than that stupid boy band they put through yesterday. But they're still not great. And it's a no.

The Dreamgirlz are a Mother and daughter. One of their family members is having a very visceral reaction to the fact that they are not put through. He's embarrassing their family. As if the Dreamgirlz themselves did not do that.

Simon is doing Verizon commercials? He may be a sell-out.

Marissa Hopson sings, "like a 3 year old with a cold"- Simon Cowell. He is accurate.

Gloria Estefan is here for some reason. "Come on, shake your body baby, do that ConGAH!"

Caitlynn Curtis is 16 and I'm going to go out on a limb and say she likes the color yellow. She's going to sing "Firework." This is the best version I've heard of this. But her facial expressions are very over the top. She has a good voice, but her facial expressions are seriously offputting. Miss Kitty says she has room to grow. Simon tells her to find other people to sing with so she doesn't have to rely on a fantastic vocal. Caitlynn is crying. She's doing the ugly cry. And for some reason they're playing T Swift "White Horse." Paula is hugging her. Which I'm sure will be seen as too dramatic or resembling WWF somehow.... ;) You know what I kind of miss? I kind of miss the suspense that the contestants family feels when the people audition on Idol. Cause they can't see their family member and then they come out with or without the yellow ticket.

Simon is very upset at how terrible this day has been. He's taking a break.

Nick Voss had an accident with his razor on the right side of his head and his right eyebrow. It's unfortunate.

Peppered into Nick's story we have the judges talking about how if there is no talent coming in, they are concerned about the success of the show. Don't worry about it, Idol has had that problem for a couple years and they managed to get nominated for an Emmy. Ohhhhh.....Burrrrrrn!!!!

Back to Nick. He's been doing this since he was 5. He's going to sing Elvis Presley. Oh, I see, he wants to be an Elvis impersonator. The audience appears to not be hearing what I am hearing. They are freaking out. He's really not good. Please, Simon, tell him it was karaoke. Please, please, please. Sidebar: Nick's Mom is strange. L.A. tells him that since it's about entertainment, he's good. If it was just singing, he's not so good. Miss Kitty thinks he's Jim Carrey/Jerry Lee Lewis/Elvis. Paula tells him to lose the Michael Jackson choreography and work on his vocals. Simon loves him. Simon has been invaded by aliens. I don't know if I can watch this. He's going to the corral.

Ashley Deckert is up. She is a ghosthunter. So there you go. Simon is questioning her about seeing ghosts. Paula claims she sees ghosts too. No, Paula, you see the effects of whatever is in that magical crazy cup you've got there. This is why I love you. Miss Kitty looks very upset about the whole ghost situation. L.A. Reid says no. They all say no. She is now going to send ghosts/demons to torment the judges by presenting terrible auditioners.

For the record, yes, this is cheesy. But really, Idol had those moments too in the auditions all. the. time.

Miss Kitty is seriously freaked out by the ghost thing. Still.

Marivana Escuvo is an ex-music teacher. And she is very strange. She sings "Summertime" and at first I thought she said "the leaving is easy." In retrospect though, she has a Russian-esque accent and that's just her pronunciation. Glad I didn't say anyth....oh. Anyway, she's through to the contestant corral. She'll be fun.

2Squar'd is a group. They're the first group I've semi-enjoyed. Paul X'ed them. Very loudly. They're through.

Kendra Williams has a very good voice. She's through.

These auditions are moving fast.

Brendan O'Hara is single, which Miss Kitty makes sure to find out. He's a music instructor. He's through.

Jeremiah is a male soprano. One of 7 in the world. I'm going to say that number is wrong. His voice is fine, but he kind of irritates me. Not enough to reach the status of a certain Idol contestant who shall remain nameless but screamed a lot last season, but still.

Melanie wants to only sing and never talk. That would be fun. She's very good. I like her a lot. It's a very rich tone and she has really great control. Her family is sweet. L.A. is FEELIN' it! Wow, she is amazing. Seriously, amazing. I hope Pia is watching this, because that's how you sing a ballad, with a large note and stay on pitch. Oh, and she didn't land any planes. I'm just sayin'. By far, 1000% better than Pia ever was. She's through to the corral. I'm going to even say that she is going to the live round. I'm not really sure how the whole thing works, but I predict we will have the chance to vote for her.

Dallas! Ohmyheavenlyday, Steve! You don't need to tell us the rundown on the show at every new audition city. We're semi-intelligent. We can remember what you said 30 minutes ago.

Johnny Rogers has dumb hair, which he thinks looks great. It looks like he has a fan blowing his hair forward 100% of the time. Where have I seen that hair....? Oh wait, the Biebs. He even has dance moves. Oh no, he's terrible. The judges say he's entertaining, but they say it in such a way that it's more like, "Oh, that was so silly, and sweet, but no." So The Biebs is out. Oh, if only that was true.

Miss Kitty has started talking like a Texan and apparently that's a bad thing? I disagree.

Dylan lives in the boondocks. He sold his truck. And he just wants to progress in music. Oh no. He's Scotty McReery. Please no. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Oh. No. So he's obviously there on a dare. And before we decide that he's WWF-esque, let's just go ahead and say that this is not any different than the crazy-cakes contestants on Idol.

Uh. The wheelchair bound kid from Glee is up and walking around doing a Pepsi commercial. IT'S A MIRACLE!!!!

Montage of Terrible.

Dexter Heygood (sp?) is wearing platform heels. He's a combo of Mick Jagger, James Brown, and Elvis Presley. He better hope he's good. He has a sweet denim jacket, though. He was in a band in the 80's. No. Simon finally says karaoke. L.A. Reid agrees. Paula basically says the same thing. Simon wants him to sing something else. His a cappella is much better than his "Sex Machine" song earlier. Once again, Simon is correct. He's through to the corral.

Kyle Corr, Hannah Jackson, Ma'At Bingham, Austin Simmons all made it.

Caitlyn Koch is a rugby coach. That's an odd profession. She's going to sing "Stop, in the name of loooooove." I don't know if I like her voice or not. I sort of do. I do enjoy the arrangement of this song. She's through to the corral. L.A. Reid really likes her a lot. Miss Kitty wants to work with her. Paula uses a lot of words. Simon says no more rugby.

Xander is extremely arrogant. Also, his actual name is Alexander but he refuses to be called Alexander. So, I'm going to call him Alexander. He is Obnoxious. Calling Simon Simone, threatening to take him outside. Not only is he Obnoxious, he's Terrible. Simon likes him? Huh? The world is ending. Paula says he's her hero. Miss Kitty tells him to lose the attitude. It's a nopeity nope, because L.A. and Paula said no. Paula Abdul, unlikely voice of reason.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Oh Happy Day!

The following takes place between the hours of 8:50 PM and 10:50 PM. Events happen in real time. (But 50 minutes delayed).

It's here. Officially here. I almost don't believe it.

Again, the judges are:

Simon Cowell: Hereby called His Majesty
Nicole Scherzinger: I still have to find a nickname for her
L.A. Reid: Hereby called Randy Jackson 2.0
Paula Abdul: Hereby called Queen Crazy

Something called Cheryl Cole is also participating in this. What? I'm confused.

People of all ages are permitted to audition. The prize is a $5M recording contract with Sony. There is much anxiety.

Someone named Steve is hosting. He has an accent. It could be British. It could be Australian. It could be something else entirely.

His Majesty is responsible for 300 million record sales. He's a bad dude.

Randy Jackson 2.0 is responsible for launching the careers of Mariah Carey, Pink, Rihanna and others. Thanks for that. He was the chairman of Island Def Jam and he walked away from it for this show. Also a bad dude.

Cheryl Cole will be here for L.A. Auditions. She was part of a girl group a la Spice Girls. She's Irish. But other than that, meh.

Queen Crazy is back. And she's still crazy.

The 4 categories are Boys, Girls, Over 30 and Groups. Each judge will mentor a category, then choose contestants to go to the live shows to compete for votes. It's unclear how the votes will work.

The auditions take place in arenas full of people. Which I happen to think is fantastic. This way, the judges can see exactly how the audience responds to them before sending them to the live show to be flayed in front of the American public. Is flayed the right word there? *thinks about looking for a dictionary* Who cares?

Rachel Crow is auditioning. See my previous post about her on the 8 minute preview. She is adorable. So is her Grandma. The crowd is on their feet. The judges are animated while watching her. I enjoy it. Queen Crazy: "You just did what we need everyone to do." Bonnie Lass Cole: "We found ourselves a little stah." Randy Jackson 2.0: "Many, many positive adjectives." His Majesty: "You are the reason we were right to take the ages down so low. Remember these two words, Rachel Crow, because I think we're going to be hearing a lot about you." She is going to the category corral I guess.

Side note: My kid is swishing around like a little fishy. He must love Simon too!

His Majesty and Queen Crazy are bickering.

Terrell Carter is an apparently attractive African American man. I say apparently because Bonnie Lass Cole and Queen Crazy have been rendered speechless. He's alright. He's very Boyz II Men. Bonnie Lass Cole says he's got the whole package, which sends the incredibly mature audience in to hysterical fits of laughter. He has 4 yeses and will be going to the category corral.

Ellona Santiago is 14 and she yells. But she gets 4 yeses. Hrm.

A little tweeny boy named John comes out and the little bitty tweeny girls freak out. He sang "Forget You." It was alright. It was Justin Beiber but better. Not saying much, really. I obviously really enjoyed it. He's through.

An individual named Siamese is going to audition. He, apparently, is 30. He is going to be a MEGAstar, not a superstar, a MEGAstar. When he achieves MEGAstarhood he will have an energy drink named Simenergy. I don't know of anyone who would drink that. He's like a clash between Prince and something from Avatar. Paul just made the "X" sound from America's Got Talent. Simon and L.A. Reid appear to agree. I'm pretty sure a cracked out Patti LaBelle is related to him. Or supporting him. Or wandered in off the street. No disrespect Patti. Anyway, it's not pleasant. He's doing a lot of gyrating. His Majesty finally stopped him. Bonnie Lass Cole: "Do I love this or do I think it's kinda weird? And I don't know the answeh yet." I lurve her accent. Lurve. I will look her up later. His Majesty: "You're obviously a fan of Prince. It was very copycat." Me: "Ah, Simon. This is why I have missed you. We are critiquing soul mates." Simon has been sipping from the Crazy Queen's cup. He just put him through to the category corral. I don't understand. Everyone has been put through to the corral.

Dan and Venita are Dan and Venita. They are 70 and 83 respectively. They're driving to L.A. They made it. They are not thrilled about paying $5 for a hot dog. Oh, they're sweet. They've been married for 2 years. What? His Majesty: "Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?" Dan: "5 at a time?" No, Dan. They want to use the $5M to sing in all the beautiful senior centers in their travel home. They're sweet. But they cannot sing. Simon hopes Dan treats Venita well. That's odd of him to say. Oh, it's not good. Simon is cracking up. I think I'm going to revert back to calling Simon by his given name. I may use His Majesty for special occasions.

Montage of terrible. <3 I literally just FFW through one because it was really, really terrible. Some girl just told Simon he was wrong. Oh, honey. Not a good plan.

Apparently, the winner will also get a Pepsi commercial. Y'know, like Ray Charles and Michael Jackson. Oh, and Britney Spears.

Simone Battle is fierce. She said so. 450 times. Simon calls her out as annoying. Love, love, love. She's singing a song by the Pussycat Dolls. She knows she's 1 person and they're many...people....right? I dislike it. I dislike her. I just, do. Her voice is not great. So don't give me the, "You just don't like her 'cause she's pretty" thing. Simon: "I think you'd be fun to watch as a performer, you interest me." Me: "Who is this person that has invaded Simon Cowell's body????" Bonnie Lass Cole: "I enjoyed it." L.A. Reid: "I completely disagree." Simon made her sing again. L.A. still says no. Oh boy, she annoys me. She goes to the category corral.

There is a rivalry between L.A. Reid and Simon Cowell. Apparently, Simon thinks L.A. is the best record exec in the land and L.A. thinks Simon is the best talent man in the land. They are usually at opposite ends. So that'll be fun. Honestly, I don't overtly agree with one over the other. Maybe I will as the season continues.

Stacy Francis. See previous post. I still think her age and her children's ages do not make sense. She's pretty fantastic though. There is much crying. And she's through to the category corral.

Now we're in Seattle. Steve is telling us, again, what is happening with this show. Except that Nicole Scherzinger is here instead of Bonnie Lass Cole.

A man in his PJs is going to audition. His name is Geo. My favorite part of this show, other than Simon, is that every time the music starts, it shows the sound man pressing play. Geo, uhm, exposed himself. Paula got sick to her stomach and may or may not have thrown up. He was told no. Duh.

Marcus is going to audition. Suddenly, there's a thing that says 10 minutes later and he's laying on the floor non-responsive. Huh? Oh, I see, we're going to reminisce. I enjoy him. I'm hoping he passes out because he's very excited and not because he had a stroke. He doesn't have the best voice in the world but he's quite the performer. Paula and Nicole are dancing. He's laying on the floor. Ok, good. He's alright. L.A. Reid: "I worked with Bobby Brown, and I've been looking for him ever since." Me: "That's offensive. Bobby Brown is a nut. This kid is sweet and not going to run off and marry Whitney Houston and destroy one of the greatest voices of our time." I digress. Nicole: "You is what we lookin' for babe." Me: "You is inarticulate." Paula: "Everything about you is relevant. You're adorable and you illuminate the room." Simon: "Normally I say you do not sing this song, but I really, really like you." He's through to the category corral.

It's Miss Kitty's birthday. MISS KITTY! That's what I'm calling Nicole. Because she was a Pussycat Doll, see. Maybe?

There's a boy band auditioning. They are The Answer. The Answer to what, exactly? They live in Salt Lake City and let's just say, I don't know how they fit in there. They're singing Adele. Girl song. Oh and apparently they are The Anser, which makes me ask, huh? They're harmonies are not happening. L.A. says yes. Miss Kitty says yes. Paula says yes. Simon says yes. I just don't see the appeal. I'm sorry.

Nikki is going to audition. She is seriously standing there very apathetic. She is terrible. She can't actually think she sings well. Someone dared her to do this. Miss Kitty tells her she has range. Nici: "It's the register." Miss Kitty: "Yes, many...many registers." I enjoy Miss Kitty. Even though she won DWTS just because she was paired with Derek. Ew. Derek. Anyway, back to Nici the screech owl. She got 4 no's, and she is flabbergasted.

How did I miss this before? When the contestants are done auditioning they go into this little box and the inside is totally white. They look like they are in Heaven or something talking to us from the Great Beyond. Well, they look like they should be hanging out with Morgan Freeman in Bruce/Evan Almighty, anyway.

A Mom/Daughter duo are going to sing Stevie Wonder. They should be eliminated just for that. They got eliminated because they stink.

Darren has a girlfriend who has invested 100,000 dollars or more in his career. She needs her money back. Also, he has a strange cackle-y laugh.

This group of girls is singing a cappella. They're weird.

Chris Renee is a garbage man. He just got out of rehab. So that's cool. He's singing an original song. Which does not suck. Which is surprising. He's like Eminem but not scary. The judges, with the exception of Simon, are all grooving. Simon does not groove, under any circumstance. He's through to the category corral. L.A. Reid really is Randy Jackson 2.0, he has name dropped 2x. Simon told him his favorite moment is when he meets a star for the first time. He also says he's not sure if Chris needs the show or if the show needs Chris. The judges are very encouraging for him to stay clean.

And that's all for tonight. I did not agree with all of the choices, but when do I ever? All I know is, I'm glad Simon and Paula are back. L.A. is enjoyable. And Miss Kitty is surprisingly pleasant.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

The Day I Have Been Waiting For

Is finally here. Well, almost.

The X-Factor starts on September 21, officially. So what, you may ask?

So what, indeed. The X-Factor means the return of Simon Cowell to the Throne of Judgehood with his Queen Paula Abdul reigning beside him. Also joining the royal judges are Nicole Scherzinger and a skinny version of Randy Jackson. I'll update when I figure out his name. At first glance, I am frightened that Nicole Scherzinger may turn out to be Kahra-esque, but I guess I'll give her a chance. It's a singing competition (like American Idol), but it has judges who have discernment (unlike American Idol). Also of note, the contestants fall into categories. There are young singers (12-something), old lady singers (25-whatever age you want), old man singers (25-whatever age you want) and groups. I think those are the categories. I reserve the right to correct myself.

So, how do I know all of this wonderful information if the show does not officially start until September 21, you may ask? There are two answers to this. 1) I've been obsessively watching the previews for this show/soaking up information about it since I initially heard about it. 2) There's an 8 minute preview happening on my T.V. right now. I knew there was a reason to watch football tonight! It certainly wasn't to see the Cowboys win...but I digress.

A few other noted differences between this show and thatothershowIwastedtimeon (who WON that show anyway?)
1) The initial auditions take place in front of an audience. On the other show, the auditions happen in front of the judges only.
2) The category thing of course.
3) Pepsi sponsors this show. Coke sponsors the other one.
4) Paula appears to have not imbibed/inhaled.
5) Ryan Seacrest is not here to flirt with Simon Cowell.
6) According to one talking head on TV, auditioners may range in age from 12-200. So, sorry super old person that just turned 201, you're out.

And here we go.

Up first: Rachel is 13. This is the most important thing she has ever done in her whole life. She proves this with emphatic hand gestures. She is actually very adorable. Holy goodness, the prize is $5M. Simon wants to know what she'll do with the money. She says, "Ok, my family has, like, NO money." You and the rest of us trapped in the Obamony, sweetheart. She lives in a 2 bedroom house with 6 people in her family. She needs her own bathroom. She sings "Mercy." Paula is freakin' out. She's really good, and really cute. Randy Jackson 2.0 likes her, Simon likes her, Paula likes her, and Nicole is not asked for an opinion. I like.

Stacy is 42. She does not look 42. She is a single Mom. She had a mean boyfriend. She's singing "You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman." It's really good. She looks like Diana Ross. I keep saying people are good. I don't know if it's because I've been inundated by mediocre talent since the last 3-4 weeks of AI or if they're actually good. Simon tells her it's the best audition she's heard in his whole life. No one else talks. Stacy starts crying. Me: "Girl, you need to get you some waterproof mascara. That's not cute." She's in. Huh, what exactly does "in" mean? I mean where do they go from this point? I guess we'll find out. Uh, her kids look young for her being 42. Something is strange with this one.

Oh. I guess it wasn't 8 minutes. But it was enough. The verdict is that X Factor > American Idol. And yes, it took me approximately 3 minutes to determine this.

Until September 21.