Friday, March 30, 2012

Another One Bites the Dust

I apologize for the late hour. I went to see The Hunger Games tonight. It was good. Not as good as the book, but still good.

Anyway, here we are. Jennifer Lopez got in a fight with a pair of scissors, judging by the top half of her dress.

Nicki Minaj and Scotty McReery are on the show. YES! I absolutely cannot wait!!!!!!

Steven Tyler and Aerosmith are going to go on tour. They'll probably have their shows at 2 in the afternoon so they can make sure they get to bed by 7. Because they're old. Seriously, though, that's too much activity for those guys. One of them is going to keel over.

Eric Benet came to tell DeAndre he is terrible and needs to go home immediately. Oh, wait, no that's not what he said. Well, but really, should we actually listen to anything Eric Benet says? I mean the man was in "Glitter" with Mariah Carey, for cryin' out loud.

Ford Music Video. 80's rock and retro TV sets.

The contestants moved into the mansion. DeAndre didn't know what the bidet is for. I don't have an appropriate comment for that.

Elise, Hollie, Phillip are up. Hollie should be in the bottom three.

Jimmy says Elise did herself and American Idol a lot of good. He also says next week is 80's week. And to that I say, WHY?

Jimmy says Phillip can go all the way, and he says that because Stevie Nicks only likes great singers. A-Greed.

Jimmy says Hollie has a beautiful sound and did a beautiful job, but she's emotionally not good. He also thinks Jessica is better than Hollie when it comes to her soul. Uh...Okay.

Hollie is in the bottom three. Called. It.

Phillip is safe. Called. It.

Elise is safe. Called. It. Again. I'm 100% accurate so far.

Nicki Minaj is sing....oh no, that's right Nicki Minaj doesn't sing, she yells. And THAT, ladies and gentlemen is all that is wrong with music. Paul: "She has no talent. 'Cause they don't have talent. And she sounds like a flying dead squirrel."

Colton, Heejun, and Joshua are up. Heejun should be in the bottom three. Paul: "Colton, Joshua, and Heejun....Joshua you are safe. Heejun, you are in the bottom three. Colton....Jesus called and He said you're going to hell." That was wildly inappropriate. But also caused me to laugh with no sound.

Jimmy says Colton is good, but not good enough. Jimmy says he has to be good in all 4 phases. And he thinks Colton lost.

Jimmy says Joshua has so much talent and he delivered 85% of the song, but then he cried like a pansy and his throat closed. But he liked the Michael Jackson medley. I think Joshua's emotionality is awesome. And according to my spell-checker, emotionality is not a word. Or at least it's not a correctly spelled word.

Jimmy says Heejun doesn't sing as well as the other contestants in the show.

Colton is safe. Called. It.

Joshua is safe. Called. It. But Ryan tried to trick me. But Ryan is not tricky.

Heejun is in the bottom three. Called. It. Again. 100% still. Please let this streak continue....

Scotty McReery is next!!!!!!! OMGEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Scotty!!!!!!!! Yup, he's still got the GW Bush face down. That's enough.

Well, shut MY mouth....Scotty has sold 1,000,000 albums. Those teenage girls sure do buy a lot of music.

Skylar, DeAndre, and Jessica are up. DeAndre should be in the bottom three.

Jimmy says Skylar needs to go to songs that are more melodic and not just lyrical songs.

Jimmy says DeAndre is right in the middle. He also says DeAndre has to work for a spot in American Idol and not everyone will buy into his falsetto. I think I would be evidence enough of that.

Jimmy says Jessica has harnessed experience like she has been singing for 20 years. He also makes the very astute observation that young girls tend to vote for young guys. I have been saying that for years.

Jessica is safe. Called. It.


Skylar is in the bottom three for no good reason whatsoever.

With this ridiculous turn of events, I say Heejun is going home.

Skylar is safe. Thank Heavens.

Heejun is "at risk." He has to sing for his life. They will not save him.

DeAndre should have DEFINITELY been in the bottom three. That's completely ridiculous.

Oh no. They might save him. Nope. Ok then.

So that's done.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Would the Judges Who Can Hear Please Stand UP, Please Stand UP!

Tommy Hilfiger is still meddling with the contestants. I find him strange.

They will be singing songs from their respective idols. They will also be performing in trios. Huh?

Also, Stevie Nicks will be mentoring them this week.

Colton is singing a LifeHouse song. And he says it's a worship song. But then Stevie tells him that the lyrics are what every woman wants to hear someone sing to them, so....I'm doubting that the "worship" message comes across. Anyway, Colton is doing the same ol' same ol' with the long drawn out notes, the slight oversinging, and the rockstar moves. Here's my problem with calling it a worship song. Not one time in that entire song did it mention Jesus or God or anything remotely theological. Granted, there are plenty of songs done in churches that are also barely theological and are more "fluff" songs. But that's a whole other discussion. My point here is, he can claim it's a worship song because LifeHouse is a "Christian" band. HOWEVER, nearly all of LifeHouse's major hits have also been crossovers into the secular music industry. And while this is not a bad thing per se, (see Switchfoot), it doesn't necessarily mean the songs are theological mantras on which to hang one's Christianity. For all the teeny-boppers know Colton is singing to them as he sings the lyrics, "Cause, you're all I want, you're all I need, you're everything, you're everything." Aside from his poor usage of the word "worship," it was a fairly boring performance. Steven Tyler: "You're a dream come true for a judge on Idol, you sing a song like it should be song, you have perfect pitch and you've got that star quality." Jenny from the Block: "What a way to start the show! It was so emotional. I was moved." Randy Yo Dawg: "The white coat is fly, man, I love it. I've been a fan since we met you a season ago. I believe you in every song you sing. I could see you doing Switchfoot (namedrop: 1), you just lay it all out there." My other problem is that now that he has said that American Idol is anti Christianity, none of the judges will critique him, even if he doesn't blatantly scream Christianity.

Skylar is singing Miranda Lambert. Good idea. She's singing "Gunpowder and Lead." Also a good idea. She got to sing with Stevie Nicks. Good idea. Did she just miss the lyrics? That was weird. Overall, it was a good performance. A little karaoke. Which no one will mention because Simon isn't here. Jenny from the Block: "The Skylar part of the show is like unbridled energy. You won us over when you sang it in the auditions, and you won them over now." Steven Tyler: "That was over the top. It was like you were singing to an old friend. That was beautiful, good for you." Randy Yo Dawg: "Miranda, Carrie Underwood, Reba, you have energy and you have range. Carrie Underwood." Name drop: 4.

Do we really need to see Titanic in 3-D? I mean, come on. The boat sinks. Leo freezes. We got it.

Colton, Elise, and Philip are singing a trio. I just don't understand why this is happening. They're singing "Landslide." I just am very confused. Just kidding, they're not singing "Landslide," they're singing a medley of strange songs. Now Philip is singing so it's awesome now. That was strange.

Heejun is singing "A Song for You." Apparently, he is now taking American Idol seriously. Which Steven will be happy about. He's having trouble with the accent on this song. But he has a really nice tone to his voice, so it's not unpleasant to listen to. Frankly though, Paul is asleep on the couch listening to this and I'm not begrudging him that. This is a snoooooooooooze fest. All three judges are up on their feet. This is an alternate universe that I live in. Steven Tyler: "You turned it around. I don't think you know how good you are. You keep believin' in yourself." Jenny from the Block: "You don't make it this far by mistake. He is here because we know he can sing this way. When you let go of all the other stuff, when you connect, you move people." Randy Yo Dawg: "What I love, you're here because you're a great singer, you have a buttery tone, finally the Heejun that we selected has come back to us."

Jason Derulo is channeling his inner Bionic Man, complete with a blinged out neck brace. And he wants me to help him write a song. No thanks.

Hollie is singing "Jesus Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood. Oh, so Hollie is totally ignoring all of the judges instructions to stay away from monumental songs by monumental singers. Good move. I hate this arrangement. They cut lyrics and chopped verses in half to fit the "big moments" into a 90 second performance. That's annoying. But her voice is decent. Not even close to as good as Carrie's original, but it was decent. It was just a'ight for me for you. Randy Yo Dawg: "I didn't know you were such a Carrie fan. It's always dangerous taking on a big song from a past Idol winner and such. There were some not perfect moments especially in the lower register. Carrie Underwood." Namedrop: 5 Jenny from the Block: "I disagree with Randy because to me, that was one of your best. We've heard her sing the big notes, it doesn't matter about that stuff, it matters about your heart." Me: "While I agree that heart does matter in a performance, being able to sing on pitch consistently helps too. I know people that can't carry a tune in a bucket with a lid on it to save their own lives, and even if they sang it with all the heart they could manage, it still would be painful to hear." Steven Tyler: "I'm going to get in the middle of you both, which I've been trying to do for a long time." Me: "I don't even want to try and figure out what he means by that." Steven Tyler: "I'm not going to mess with Jesus and/or Carrie. I loved your emotion, I felt it. I wish you had sang a different song. It was just ok for me."

DeAndre Makemesick is probably singing a song by a female. Oh, nope. He's singing a song by Eric Benet, which is just as bad. Jimmy tells him not to try to over compensate. Again. The falsetto is just so irritating. There is a lyric that says, "I'll just have to fake it until I can make it." To that I say, you should probably just go ahead and give up. Also, he's going to have a tough time continuing his music career once he hits puberty and his voice drops. WHAT? The judges are on their feet. I must be deaf. Or they must be deaf. Someone in this party is not able to hear properly. Steven Tyler: "You're passionate." Me: "He's passionately bad." Jenny from the Block: "You have a unique voice. It's something you don't hear everyday." Me: "You don't hear it because it's terrible." Randy Yo Dawg: "Every color of the rainbow. Prince. Eric Benet. You're back." Namedrop: 7. Me: "Please do not vote for this fool."

DeAndre is promising that it is falsetto time. Wonderful.

Jessica Sanchez is singing a Beyonce song. She turned this song into a ballad. Which is convenient for her vibrato lovin' self. She didn't do the thing that Stevie told her to do. Jenny from the Block: "Beyonce should do that. It was gorgeous and beautiful and left us wanting more." Steven Tyler: "Great performance. Beautiful dress. You're a star no matter what." Randy Yo Dawg: I don't know what he said. I got distracted.

Jessica Sanchez has an alter ego named Beebee Chez. Okie doke.

A Michael Jackson medley. DeAndre, Heejun, and Joshua. Have we not done the Michael Jackson bit to death? No pun intended. Anyway, it's as awkward as I would have expected. Except for this little bit with Joshua moon-walking.

I still don't know why we are doing trios. I demand an explanation.

Philip Philips is singing a song by a blues guy I've never heard of. Stevie Nicks says he would have been in Fleetwood Mac if he had been alive then. Heck yes he would. This is rockin’ as suspected. The guy on the Hammond B3 organ is amazing. I want to play a Hammond B3 organ. Too bad I am not that amazing. The judges are up. This time I know why. Jenny from the Block: “We’re standing up too much, it’s crazy. When you sing, I feel that you want us to experience the music.” Steven Tyler: “You own music. There’s someone in you trying to climb out.” Me: “Huh?” Randy Yo Dawg: “I’m a big Johnny Lange fan, he’s a friend, this competition has every flavor. I love you. “ Namedrop: 6

Dionne Warwick and Jordin Sparks are in the audience. Jordin is next to Broken Neck Bling Jason.

Joshua is killing me slowly by singing a Mariah Song. Oy vey. However, he is killin’ it. He even killed it so hard he started to cry. That was a really good performance. The judges are up again. This may be the record for standing ovations. Randy Yo Dawg: “Yesterday was Mariah’s birthday. She would be proud of you. When you have a voice that big, you have to sing big songs. That was flawless.” Namedrop: 7. Steven Tyler: “Everybody has been pushing themselves beyond their own limits. You pushed yourself so far, you had an emotional breakdown. I want to see that.” Jenny from the Block: “You’re a phenom. You are an angel from Heaven, that voice is God-sent. So beautiful. When you show your heart, it’s amazing.”

Third Trio. Madonna songs. Hollie, Skylar, and Jessica. Oh boy. That was silly.

Elise is up last. She’s singing “Whole Lotta Love” by Led Zeppelin. She is tearin’ this UP! WOW! That was SICK! Steven Tyler: “I wasn’t sure you could pull that off. Nice!” Jenny from the Block: “That was some real rock star stuff.” Randy Yo Dawg: “Everybody wants to win! What is going on!?” Me: “Well, that is the whole point, is it not?”

Steven and Elise are wearing the same pants. That’s embarrassing for one of them. I can’t decide which one.

Here are my favorites of the night:
Phillip Phillips
Skylar Laine
Elise Testone
Joshua Ledet

Bottom Three SHOULD be:
DeAndre Makemesick
Heejun Han
Hollie Cavanagh
Going home:
DeAndre Makemesick

Thursday, March 22, 2012

I'm a Psychic

This is crazy. At the end of last week's episode I thought, they should do Billy Joel songs next week.

Guess what they're singing this week.

Billy Joel.

I may regret wanting this to happen.

But I'm very excited in the meantime. I love everything about Billy Joel. Well, except his philandering ways...but musically, he's brilliant.

Steven is very stripy, Jenny from the Block looks like Catwoman, and Randy Yo Dawg appears to be wearing a shirt made of jelly beans.

Steven Tyler has sung with Billy Joel. He says that if you can't sing Billy Joel, you can't sing at all. I disagree. People off the street can't sing Billy Joel. That's the point. Billy Joel is an ICON. A LEGEND. A MASTERMIND of MUSIC. He's the cat's pajamas or whatever that cool jazzy Billy Joelish saying would be.

Diddy is accompanying Jimmy Iovine with the contestants this week. I wonder if that's awkward at all for Jenny from the Block. Y'know since she was married/dated/engaged/shot him in a club 475 partners ago. Also, is he just Diddy these days? I'm not sure. I'm calling him Puffy Comb Diddy Sean Money Dirt, for good measure. And Tommy Hilfiger, who apparently has nothing better to do, is consulting the contestants on their style.

DeAndre Makemesick is up first. Tommy Hilfiger says no one has hair like DeAndre and to pull it back is a waste. Me: "Michael Bolton, Kenny G, and probably a few women have hair like DeAndre. It's ridiculous." He's doing "Only the Good Die Young." Everything about DeAndre annoys the everything out of me. If Billy Joel were dead he would be rolling in his grave. The best part of this performance is that piano player. I hope one of these days he snaps his neck flailing that hair about. Ok, I don't really hope that, but it would be fun to have him in a neck brace next week. At least there would be less flailing. Not only that, his voice is just not good. It's nasally and obnoxious and just not great. Steven Tyler: "You have some fans here. It was a little too happy, but that's what the world needs right about now. Only the good die young, I guess that's why you and I are here Randy." Jenny from the Block: "It was a nice mix of Bob Marley and gravel." Randy Yo Dawg: "It didn't wow me but it was okaaaaaayyyyyyy." Me: "It was not okay. It was nokay." He gets zero votes.

Touch is great. Watch it.

Erika is singing "New York State of Mind." She's from Rhode Island. I feel like this might be a bad idea. But I'm willing to risk it. Oh, and she cut her hair. Her hair is fine. But it shouldn't matter. This performance is just a little lackluster, for me for you. But I want her jacket. Randy Yo Dawg: "Yo. Yo. I love the look! I think you're one of the best singers in this whole thing this season, right? You can clearly sing the phone book. Those that can do, should. Those that can't do, shouldn't. So wear us out." Me: "WHAT?????" Jenny from the Block: "I agree. It was beautiful. I'd love to see you more, let loose vocally and let loose with your body." Steven Tyler: "It was beautiful. Just nice. Outstanding." Also, Steven Tyler's microphone has sprouted some sort of tropical flower. She gets 1 vote

Joshua Ledet is going to kill it. He's singing "She's Got a Way." Something was off with that. It was like a tempo issue or something. Maybe I'm imagining it. Jenny from the Block: "Billy Joel wrote his life in his songs. It feels stupid to say anything negative but I think for me, I needed to feel like you were connected more to the lyrics." Steven Tyler: "I think you took a song that I don't know, and made it a song that I enjoyed." Me: "How does he NOT know that song????" Randy Yo Dawg: "Never feel defeated. You can always turn it on. Jump in, grab the lyric, and make it your own. It was kind of half/half." Me: "It was a little off, but it was still 1,000,000 times better than DeAndre." He gets 2 votes.

Skylar was awestruck my Puffy Comb Diddy Sean Money Dirt. Why? She's singing "Shameless." I've actually never heard this song. I love this performance. She has such a strong voice. Randy Yo Dawg: "I remember a version that Brad Paisley did. Were you thinking of that?" Skylar: "No I was thinking about Garth." Randy Yo Dawg: "Oh, I forgot he did that too. It was just ok. Not your best." Jenny from the Block: "You're not shameless, you're fearless, by the end you had everybody with you." Steven Tyler: "You breathed life into a song, that's all that matters. It was good." Me: "I thought it was really good. I still think she's going to win." She gets 2 votes.

Elise is singing "Vienna." I've never heard this song either. She did a really great job. I love her voice. But she is not going to stick around. America does not appreciate good talent. They let people like DeAndre Makemesick stick around. The judges all loved her. I'll be honest I watched this performance while eating dinner so I don't know exactly what they said. You know what else I like about Elise? She's a music teacher. I would like to do that. Ask me how.

Phillip Phillips worked in a pawn shop. Tommy Hilfiger thinks Phillip needs help with his look. I think Tommy Hilfiger should mind his own dang business. Phillip is probably going to ignore him. He is also singing "Movin' Out." Diddy whatever told him to do it sans guitar and do all this other nonsense. No. Phillip is fine the way he is. Leave him alone. This is only slightly less epic than when David Cook did "Billie Jean." Jenny from the Block: "I felt like you were taking out a little bit of the aggression on your mentors." Also, I'm pretty sure that she actually said "the gression." Steven Tyler: "You took that song and Phillip Phillipsed it. People told The Beatles to cut their hair and Elvis not to shake their hips." Randy Yo Dawg: "You're a rebel. Those that do, should." Me: "Randy, Yo, Dawg, I don't think that quote means what you think it means." I love Phillip Phillips. And I don't enjoy Tommy Hilfiger.

Hollie Cavanagh has a strange brother. And she thought the theme was Michael Jackson, judging from her outfit tonight. Either that or Tommy Hilfiger told her to wear as much glitter as possible. Turns out, Tommy Hilfiger told her to wear as much glitter as possible. She's singing "Honesty." She's tiny. Like teeny tiny. I think she might be that little Jackie Evancho girl that was on America Has No Talent. HA! She's even standing on the box like Jackie did. She has had two extremely pitchy notes. 3. Steven Tyler: "You're one of our grand singers. Tonight you were a little pitchy. It seemed like you were overthinking it a bit. But it was good." Jenny from the Block: "You take on big songs and that's great. You have to do that to win. But you also have to know every single note in those songs. You have a beautiful sounding voice." Randy Yo Dawg: "Echo. You can be great. That's why we tell you that you are not good enough."

Oh good. Haylie Reinhart will be performing on the elimination show. I will be Fast Forwarding that. Fo shizzle.

Heejun got his feelings hurt last week and he's freaked out. Diddy Whatever thinks Heejun is playing us all. I tend to agree actually. I think he has infiltrated the show just to become famous and be funny. Heejun is singing "My Life." He started out really slow then did a fake stop and told the pianist it was too slow. I have a lot to say about this. I'm going to have to let this play out then comment. Without hearing the judges this is my thought. I think Heejun has worn out his welcome. He took the valid criticism he received last week and became sullen and disrespectful. I think he has been coddled and told he is better than everyone else his whole life and can't handle the reality that he just isn't quite American Idol material. That being said, there were some enjoyable moments of that performance. Based on the still screen on my television where it paused, Steven is less than thrilled. Also, the lyrics of that song are pretty rebellious. But I think Heejun has some deep seated animosity leaking out in his lyrics. Jenny from the Block: " I love that you brought a little fun to tonight. I think you didn't hit the vocal exactly the way you would have liked to, like I know you can, but it was a lot of fun." Steven Tyler: "He-Man. I'm glad it made you feel good. The music business will kick your ***. At some point you gotta take it more serious." Randy Yo Dawg: "At least it was fun and you had a good time, there were vocal problems." Me: "What was that thing Jimmy said about this not being tee-ball?? It's a singing competition...shouldn't it just be about singing. Who CARES if they have fun??????"

Jessica Sanchez is singing "Everybody Has a Dream." I've never heard this song. Diddy Whatever tells her not to oversing and that less is more. Also, tone down the vibrato. This was actually a pretty boring performance for me for you. The judges clearly disagree. They are all on their feet and freaking out. Steven Tyler: "When God was giving out vocal chords you were soooooo at the front of the line." Jenny from the Block: "That was a defining moment for you, for me." Me: "No, no, Jenny, it's for ME for YOU." Randy Yo Dawg: "We've done this show for 11 seasons. Consistency is key. You're flawless, it was perfect. Yo, Jimmy, Diddy, Tommy, that was perfection." Me: "Clearly, I missed whatever they heard."

Colton doesn't want to cut his hair. Oh, and supposedly he's a Christian. Although he hasn't mentioned it one time the entire time he's been here. He's singing "Piano Man" and he's playing piano. On a Billy Joel song. I'll hand it to him, he's brave. He's even playing a red piano. It would be good if his voice did not squeak like he's 14-15ish. His piano playing is far greater than his voice. And that key change was unnecessary. That was about a 3.5 out of 5. Jenny from the Block: "I had goosies from head to toe. Diddy....I was gonna say Puffy....Diddy gave you the best compliment when he said he would buy that record." Steven Tyler: "Your chords were stellar." Randy Yo Dawg: "I'm so glad you said you want to be an individual. Cause you don't look anything like any other artist that has hair in your face and wearing all kinds of crazy coats and scarves." Ryan asks him what he was thinking beforehand. Colton says he was praying and wants God to shine first and foremost. Admirable, but I still question the authenticity. I mean really, this comes on the heels of that article saying that AI was telling Colton to "tone down" his Christianity that I, for one, knew nothing about. Whatever.

Bottom three should be: Heejun, DeAndre, and probably Erika. I HOPE DeAndre goes home. But it will probably be Erika. The girls are dropping like flies around here.


Jenny from the Block had a bottle of Pepto poured on her. Bummer for her, but I bet she smells delightful.

Random thought: I wonder if the people in the audience know how silly they look when they're cheering. Probably not.

Group Performance: "The Longest Time." Casey Abrams is in the audience. So is Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory, apparently. Weird. Also, the choreography they make these people do is aw-to-the-fulllll. That was cheese-tastic.

Jenny from the Block has a new show which is Spanish. Well, the title is, anyway.

Ford Commercial. 4 people fit in that vase? Lies.

Tonight's remaining contestants move into a mansion. Fun.

Hollie, Elise, and Skylar are up.

Jimmy says Hollie is not Billy Joel and that was her worst night of the competition.

Jimmy says Skylar needs to be more creative and she is starting to stall.

Jimmy says Elise was awesome and he got goosies, whatever those are.

All three should be safe.

Hollie is safe.

Skylar is safe.

Elise is safe.


Steven Tyler turned 250 years old. Not really. But Joe Perry came and played Happy Birthday on the guitar, while the contestants, and Liv (Steven's daughter sang).

Jimmy says DeAndre is annoying and needs to quit jumping. Seriously, that's what he said.

Jimmy says Joshua didn't understand the song and he oversang. Disagree.

Jimmy says Jessica got A's across the board.

Jessica and Joshua should be safe.

Jessica is safe. Billy Joel called and said he enjoyed it. Cool-io.

Joshua is safe. Hallelujah....Amen....

DeAndre goes to the Tool Stools. Bottom 3.

Haylie Reinhard....20 beats in and we have a poo squat. Nope, nothing's changed. Except apparently she performs behind bars now. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!! Paul just said, whoever put her in that cage forgot to put the blanket over her and shut her up. And THAT's why I love my husband so much.

Steak-ummmmmmmms look nasty.

Erika, Heejun, Phillip, and Colton are up.

Phillip and Colton are probably safe.

Jimmy says Colton did a great job, which Billy Joel also said via e-mail. I wish Billy Joel would e-mail me. Also, he thinks Colton is the 3rd horse behind Jessica and Joshua.

Jimmy says Phillip thinks collaboration is bad and he thinks Phillip should take as much advice as he can. Disagree. Leave Phillip alone.

Jimmy says Erika deserves to be at the top of the batch. He also thinks Randy Yo Dawg is a little bit confused with his "should" quote.

Jimmy says Heejun was disrespectful and he will get bitten in the butt. He also thinks it was a stunt gone wrong. Jimmy said they won't spend a lot of money on someone that acts like that.

Colton is safe. He has tiny legs.

Erika is in the bottom three.

Phillip is safe.

Heejun is in the bottom three.

We're getting closer to getting DeAndre out, which is awesome.

DeAndre is safe. Blast and a half.

Heejun is safe.


Erika has to sing for her life. They should save her. They really, really should.

They did not.


I seriously can't stand the Scotty McReery song they play at the end.

Friday, March 16, 2012

This Isn't Tee-Ball....

One contestant has been eliminated due to an outstanding warrant for criminal acts. That contestant? None other than, "Not so Gentle Giant" Jermaine Jones. La BummER.

Also the contestants are singing songs from the year they were born. There should be some gems in this bunch.

The judges look like they are representing ketchup, mustard, and mayonnaise.

Also, the years the contestants had to choose from include 1983-1995. Ow.
Phillip Phillips was born in 1990 and was premature. The doctor said he might die. But he did not. And I love his parents. William is the mentor. I don't know what the name of the song is. William has a dumb name. Phillip had to have surgery. He had a non-functioning kidney. It's "So Hard to Handle." The title of the song. The brass section is on stage again. I love that. I love this performance. He's just so simple and doesn't mess around with showboating and nonsense (ahem, DeAndre. ahem, Colton.) Randy Yo Ketchup: "You're a fish outta water doin' this, you're kind of unique. Tonight, no guitar, after surgery, you sound amazing. Good song choice. Jenny from the Mustard Block: "It just proves that it's so natural it's in every cell of your body. Oh, hahaha, I'm so smart and medical." Steven Mayo: "You pick songs that match your voice and character." Paul has no thought.

Jessica Sanchez was born in 1995. She would cry so hard she would faint. Or not. The parents can't agree. She's singing "Turn the Beat Around." William says she's a swaggernaut. Like outer space swag. Those pants Jessica has on are extremely sparkly. Extremely. I would like to say that I appreciate that she can actually sing something other than a ballad. Unlike last year's balladeer extraordinaire who shall remain nameless. Steven Mayo: "I love your voice, but don't stray too far from what you can sing well and the rhythm was shady." Me: "Oh, please don't tell her to sing only ballads, that's boooooooooooring." Jenny from the Mustard Block: "I think the same thing. Your voice has such a strong vibrato, so it lost a little energy." Me: "Maybe she should be able to tone down the vibrato. Like a real musician." Randy Yo Ketchup: "The problem for me was the song choice, which did not allow you to show your voice. Learn to shorten the vibrato or take it all out, too." Me: "Randy Yo Ketchup reads the blog. He must. Because he is not namedropping a lot lately." Paul has no thoughts. He is boring this evening.

Heejun Han was born in 1989. His parents are cute. They speak only Korean. They are seriously cute. He is singing "Right Here Waiting." Jimmy Iovine is trying to get Heejun to enunciate. He asked William for Fergie's number. This is probably not going to be great. His accent is really coming through on this one. I think he may be in trouble this week. Also, the late 80's-late 90's are a really dark period for music. Randy Yo Ketchup: "I didn't really enjoy this at all it was pitchy all over the place, the other problem I had with it was that it felt like you were out of breath the whole time. The first time we saw you, you had like R&B swag." Jenny from the Mustard Block: "Your tone is so special, we could tell you were struggling, but towards the end it got really beautiful for me." Steven Mayo: "You stepped so far out of your circle, I love your voice no matter what." Me: "Well, that's enlightening."

Elise Testone was born in 1983. She is the oldest contestant. And she's a year older than me. William tells her to smile and be dope and fresh. What? She says people are going to make babies while she sings this song. I have one of those. I have no interest in having another one at the moment. Thankyouverymuch. She's singing "Let's Stay Together", by the way. I enjoy this performance a lot. That was great. Steven Mayo: "I love your voice. My Aunt Sonia loves your voice. Everybody loves your voice." Jenny from the Mustard Block: "You showed everyone who you are. It was a beautiful, beautiful thing." Randy Yo Ketchup: "America, Elise is back. America, this is why we kept you. A little Janis." Namedrop: 1. He couldn't contain himself.

DeAndre Makemesick is next. He was born in 1994. William says he's going to go home if he can't figure out how to pick songs. I'm voting that he not figure it out. He's singing "Endless Love." See, I think this is a technicality. Because Lionel Richie/Diana Ross did this song WAYYYYYYY earlier than 1994. But Mariah Carey/Luther Vandross sang it in 1994 so suddenly it meets the requirement. This is not Endless Love. This is the Endless Deathbysonganddumbhair. He is just so....skeevy. Jenny from the Mustard Block: "You can sing anything, and you sang that beautifully. I almost feel like you didn't sing the right song. Jimmy and Will steered you wrong." Steven Mayo: "I love you as an artist, I don't think it was the right song." Randy Yo Ketchup: "It was definitely the wrong song. It was boring and very safe for you." Me: "Maybe Jimmy and William sabotaged him. If so, I love them even more."

Shannon Magrane was also born in 1995. Jimmy has her listen to "Don't Speak" by No Doubt on some new phone which he very cleverly and not at all obviously promotes....then she decides to sing "One Sweet Day" by Mariah Carey. I'm officially bumpuzzled. New word that I learned on Survivor last week. I like it. She just bites off too much. She's trying too hard to do too many things. There was a bad note and then there were a couple pretty good notes. Jenny from the Mustard Block: "That was not an easy undertaking. I was, honestly, terrified for you. But, you did a beautiful job with that. I thought you did a great job." Steven Mayo: "I think you sing your best when you don't try so hard." Me: "So she did not sing her best." Randy Yo Ketchup: "I was terrified too, I've worked with Mariah before and she sang the I don't know what out of that song. You're here because you have mad potential." Me: "I think she will potentially fall apart soon."

Colton Dixon was born in 1991. He used to play baseball. I wish he had kept playing baseball. He's singing a song by a band called "White Lion." William is growing on me. This does nothing for me. It's just blah. Jenny from the Mustard Block: "I didn't know that song. I loved the beginning of it. I feel like you have a broken heart." Me: "Huh?" Steven Mayo: "I think it was the wrong song for your voice and your passion. Raspberries." Me: "Raspberries are delicious." Randy Yo Ketchup: "The song didn't matter. You performed it dope. I could care less about the song." Me: "Why does the song matter for everyone else?"

Erika Van Pelt was born in 1985. She's a year younger than me. Erika's mom says she was loud. She's singing "Heaven" by Bryan Adams. This promises to be pretty good. Jimmy messed with the arrangement, so that bodes well. I’ll be honest, I’m finishing this on Thursday night. My kid seems to be growing like a madman and requiring more food. Aside from Erika’s Elvira dress, this is a pretty good performance. Her voice is very alto-y. That means low. Steven Mayo: “I think you’re too busy. When a song is that pretty, you gotta stay with it, stay with the melody.” Jenny from the Mustard Block: “You are this year’s Janis Joplin, the arrangement left us wanting more. But I love seeing your image shape and form in front of us. I feel you coming together as an artist.” Randy Yo Ketchup: “Yo, I kinda liked it. It was like a nice, like, 8 out of 10. You look amazing, but the other thing is that don’t mess with a good song. Don’t let people tell you what to do. Except for us. Because we definitely know what we’re talking about.”

Ryan is just now telling us that Jermaine Jones had to be eliminated. Nigel has been informed that Jermaine has 4 active warrants out. He lied to the producers, and so he has to be done with American Idol. I will say that Jermaine handled it very gracefully. He was going to sing “Somewhere Out There.” I’m glad he didn’t, because that song makes me cry. I need a tissue.

Skylar was born in 1994. She is singing a Bonnie Raitt song. William and Jimmy tried to get her to sing a different song. She said no. Way to go, her. I respect that. I can’t believe she’s only 18. 18? 17? I don’t know. I’m horrible at math. She rocked that out. It’s kind of a lame song, but she made it work. Steven Mayo: “You got so much heart and soul, I haven’t heard you sing a song bad yet.” Jenny from the Mustard Block: “I gotta say that you really killed that.” Randy Yo Ketchup: “Yo, this is our rockin’ country girl. Whatever you sing, you just need to sing it really good. You did it well.” Jenny from the Mustard Block tried to be all, “I know we’re being mean, but we gotta keep it real, blahdeblah….” She’s not good at that. You know who was good at that? Simon. Before he became ridiculous.

Joshua Ledet and a huge bucket of crawfish. He was born in 1992. He’s singing “When a Man Loves a Woman.” Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……that’s going to be awesome. Even if it is a Michael Bolton song. Paul loves Michael Bolton. Turns out Joshua Ledet’s Dad is a Pastor. I apologize to those of you whom I told this was not true. He is incredible. He is amazing. He is going to win this show. I loved that. In case you couldn’t tell. I don’t even care what the judges said. Basically it was, “Blew it out the box.” “The best thing I’ve ever seen on American Idol.” “God came through your eyes.” You decide which condiment said what. Oh, and a namedrop: Percy Sledge.

Hollie Cavanagh was born last week. Oh, wait, no she was born in 1993. Her parents are from Scotland? Ireland? Scottish. They are also cute. She is singing “The Power of Love” by Celine Dion. William tells her she has amplifiers in her pocket. This could be epic. Or it could be terrible. There is no middle ground. She’s wearing extensions. I do not enjoy hair extensions. But that is for another discussion. It was decent. I guess there was a middle ground. It was definitely not epic. But it wasn’t Shannon either. Sorry Shannon. Jenny from the Mustard Block: “They saved the best for last, but there were a couple things that were wrong but I’m not going to tell you what they were so that you can drive yourself completely insane by worrying about it, okay? Okay great.” Steven Mayo: “There was a little pitch here and there, I have no idea where your voice comes from.” Randy Yo Ketchup: “You were in your wheelhouse, very well done.”

So, here’s the deal. I would say that Heejun Han, DeAndre Makemesick, Shannon Magrane should be in the bottom three. I think Heejun may go home. I HOPE DeAndre goes home.
Let’s see what happens, shall we?

Just pretend this is a new blog post.

Tommy Hilfiger has made over the contestants. Do something with DeAndre’s hair.

Ford Music Video. Scary. Literally.

Phillip, Skylar, Elise, and Joshua are called up. All 4 of them should be safe.

Jimmy says Phillip is awesome.
Jimmy says Skylar is better than she was last night.
Jimmy says Elise killed it and blew his mind.
Jimmy says Percy Sledge loved Joshua’s performance. That’s kind of amazing.

Joshua is safe. No kidding.
Phillip is safe. Huzzah.
Elise is in the bottom three. That’s incorrect.
Skylar is safe. Good.

Demi Lovato is singing. Which I do not care about.

Colton, Shannon, DeAndre and Jessica are up.
Jimmy says DeAndre is the one that chose the song. So the judges should get off him. And he also says, “This isn’t tee-ball, not everyone gets a trophy and an orange slice.” I love Jimmy.
Jimmy says Colton will be in the middle of the pack. He also calls Randy Yo Ketchup out on his back and forth about the song does/does not matter.
Jimmy says Shannon pushed too hard but she has extraordinary potential.
Jimmy says Jessica lost her rhythm. And if she goes home, we should all go home.

Colton is safe. Meh. MAN, he has skinny legs.
DeAndre is still hanging.
Jessica is safe. Duh.
DeAndre is safe. Incorrect.
Shannon is in the bottom three.

Heejun is praying.

Daughtry is playing. Which I would care about, but it’s 12:37 AM.

Erika, Heejun, and Hollie are up.
Jimmy says Hollie got straight A’s. But she needed different clothes.
Jimmy says Heejun is boxed in and boring.
Jimmy says Erika got trapped into oversinging. He also called Randy Yo Dawg out for saying not to listen to him when he makes arrangement suggestions.

Hollie is safe. No kidding.
Erika is in the bottom three.
Heejun is safe.

The girls are dropping like flies…..

The judges are not happy.

Elise is safe after all. So either Shannon or Erika is going home. Please, dear Lord let it be Shannon.

Erika is safe.

Shannon is singing for her life. The judges could save her. But I bet they won’t.

And they don’t.

I’m out.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Things That Should Never Be Done on Idol:

Stevie Wonder songs and Whitney Houston songs.

Steven Tyler has a pair of pants that look like a person's face.
The other two look normal for once.
Ryan still has my brother's hair. My brother sports it better. Has been since about 1989.

This is the 400th episode.

The girls. For some reason they have Shannon and Holly right next to each other. That seems unfair.

The boys. I still hate Deandre. And probably Colton.

It's guys vs. girls tonight. I don't know how that's any different than normal. Oh, they're revealing the bottom guy and the bottom girl and the judges will decide which one goes home. Cool. I suppose.

Mary J Blige is mentoring alongside Jimmy Iovine. Joshua is up first. He's singing "I Wish." Mary brings in a gospel producer to help Joshua stay true to his roots. I'm digging this performance. I'm particularly enjoying the brass section on stage with him. He has quite the pipes. I enjoy him and I enjoyed that performance. Randy Yo Dawg: "I don't know what's goin' on but you just blew it out. What I really love is we've been hearing you sing these ballads and now you come out rockin' with the singing. You just showed me you can do everything. Flavorless and flawless." Me: "Flavorless AND flawless?" Jenny from the Block: "So much love. I love that I felt your performance. This little hand thing over here (waves her hand), I know that's a church thing. You make us feel it." Joshua: "That's my Mantasia." Me: "HAHA!" Steven Tyler: "You had the snap. You brought it home. You listened to Mary J. and you nailed it. Beautiful. Nice job. Well done." Me: "That's word for word, right there. I love that Steven is so concise."

Touch is an awesome show.

Elise is next. She's doing "Greatest Love of All." Mary J. seems apprehensive. Jimmy makes her sing, "I'm Your Baby Tonight." Jimmy is trying to make her successful and Elise is arguing with him. Grrr.... Also. Why is she always wearing hats? Elise is kind of bumming me out. She is using the brass section too. Brass section gettin' some love this evening. I do enjoy her voice, but she seems a bit uncomfortable with this song. I will say that I prefer this to Whitney. BUT that being said, I'm not really all "OMGWHITNEYISTHEBESTSINGERINTHEWHOLEWORRRRRRRRRRRLDDDDDDDD." Jenny from the Block: "Whitney is a beast. We all know this. I think you were so hesitant because you wanted to make it your own. I don't think it was your best. You felt a little unsure." Steven Tyler: "Yeahyeahyeah...when you have a really good voice, you think you can sing anything. But when your voice is so unique like yours you have to find the exact right song. In the past, you would nail it, and I missed that in the song this time." Randy: "It felt like you were boxing with the song. You don't have to prove at every note that you have that voice. Mary is trying to get you to sit in the song and just sing." I would agree with the judges overall on that. It was almost like she didn't feel comfortable singing the song. Which is what she very awkwardly just told Ryan. I wish she was less awkward when she talked.

Jermaine is up. This should be interesting. He's singing "Knocks Me Off My Feet." Mary J told him not to try too hard and just sing smooth. I enjoy Mary J. She makes me want to listen to rap music. Not really. Jermaine's voice is like silk. Seriously. That was gorgeous. And I could understand the words. I liked it. Steven Tyler: "For a moment last week, you had trouble. This week, the song fit you like an Armani suit." Jenny from the Block: "You are adorable. I would like to see you connect with the words of the song. I need to feel like you are singing to somebody. Sing to me!" Me: "Don't you already have a 24 year old boyfriend Jenny from the Block?" Randy: "Yo man! You're like Barry White meets Arthur Price, Jerry Burkheimer kind of voice. I didn't like the chorus, but I loved the verses. So, relax and sit in it." Me: "Randy wants everyone to just sit down." Namedrop: 3.

I don't like this whole "Ryan asks the contestants awkward questions at the end of their critique thing."

Erika Van Pelt is up. She has a strange dress on. It's like prom meets punk rock. She's singing "I Believe in You and Me." I heart this song. Again with the hats. Why is everyone wearing a hat? Mary J. loves Erika's tone. She says it's like steak and potatoes. I agree with that description. Her voice is lovely. Chills take 1. Chills take 2. That was a really good performance. Very simple. Very elegant. And very, VERY good. Randy: "You have an amazing tone. When you let yourself go and stop thinking, it was unbelievable. Dude. Don't think. Let yourself go. That was amazing by the end." Paul: “Not thinking always works for the President.” And also Paul: “If Erika Van PELT was smart she would have changed her name to Erika van BELT before coming on this show.” Me: *stares silently*” Ohhhh…..” Jenny from the Block: "I had goosies before you even started. The way you interpret the song combined with the tone and fullness of your voice, is beautiful. I can't wait until you stop thinking." Steven Tyler: "I feel the same way. In the beginning you sat there, then you climbed, then it was absolutely beautiful. It was perfect, I think it's great." Ryan says she's too comfortable. I say she's phenomenal.

Colton is singing "Lately." Jimmy says Stevie is not Colton's wheelhouse. No kidding. Ok, so I was about to say that his voice doesn't make me want to stick forks in my ears. While that is true, his voice can get quite nasally and obnoxious. And, he looks like an idiot in skinny jeans. Steven Tyler: "That was fantastic. Good job." Jenny from the Block: "You're probably the most challenged tonight with the Stevie Wonder of it all. When you start showing your heart it's amazing." Me: "What is it that Colton DOES that is so unique? He's basically a really, really, really, really, lame version of Adam Lamebert/Lames Durbin. I just realized I have no way to incorporate Lame into Colton's name. Gah.” Randy Yo Dawg: "Technically, for a second, it wasn't picture perfect. There were some notes that were flat, some notes that were sharp, but here's the key, you'll notice that the points where that happened your singing soft and low. But when you hit your powerpoint it's always spot on." Me: "Question for you: do you want an Idol winner who can sing loud and on pitch, or an Idol who can always sing on pitch, regardless of dynamics? And no, Scotty McReery does not count." Paul: “You know what I want? An Idol winner who’s a white guy that plays a guitar. Can I also say that knowing that I’m expected to give comments now makes me nervous and I just need to relax and sit in it.”

Shannon is singing "I Have Nothing." Mary J. tells her to quit running and just sing the song. I must say, this is not my favorite performance of hers. It's very copycat, and too big for her. WOW, she cracked that note. Ouch. She's very disappointed by it too. That was too, too, too, too big. Jenny from the Block: "The thinking got to you. You can sing that song, but we didn't hear that tonight." Me: "Maybe ya'll shouldn't make 15 year old girls sing Whitney Houston songs. Good grief." Steven Tyler: "You kind of crashed and burned on the turnaround. Your nerves got the best of you." Randy Yo Dawg: "It kind of derailed. There was a mistake either from you or the band and it derailed at that point." Now Shannon is admitting she wasn't listening to the band. Always listen to the band, people. Always. I just rewatched and I don't know what they're talking about. Paul: “Well, she did say she had nothing.” *badumcha*

YAY! Deandre is up. Not. And he has his hair pulled back, I can only assume he's trying to also look like Stevie. It's not working. HAHA! Deandre can't even stand to look at himself on the big screen. Now you know how we feel, dude. He's singing "Master Blaster." Jimmy Iovine tells us that Deandre jumping around and flipping his hair is not enough. Thanks for that pearl of wisdom. I don't know this song, but I'm fairly certain Stevie Wonder actually sings songs in English. Also, even though Jimmy says it won't help, Deandre certainly will try to make us let him stay by jumping and flipping his hair. I can honestly say I understood zero percent of the words that he supposedly sang. I'm pretty sure he was saying "blahblahblah" the whole time. Steven Tyler: "You're like the male Naima and I love that." Me: "Except Naima could actually sing and didn't make me want to run away." Jenny from the Block: "I didn't want it to end. I loved it from the beginning." Randy Yo Dawg: "Dude, you showed a different side of you tonight. You were in perfect rhythm." Me: "Well, the judges are now listening to something other than what I'm listening to. Also, Randy has a rhinestone sad face on his jacket. That's how I will feel if Deandre makes it through." Paul: “Maybe Deandre can communicate with Landry for us. They have approximately the same vocabulary.” Me: “I’m not letting that anywhere near my child.”

Skylar is up next. She is singing “Where Do Broken Hearts Go.” I reallllllly like this song. Jimmy and Mary J like Skylar. So do I. She took the note from Randy and is sitting down. Oh that key change was intense. I love her. And I love this arrangement. So far, she is the one that has been innovative with a Whitney song and made it something other than a Whitney song. I do have to say, Whitney songs are not all that fantastic lyrically speaking. “I look in your eyes and I know that you still care for me.” Lame lyrics. Jenny from the Block: “You are the definition of composure. The beginning was a little nasally and not all perfect. But you kept it together and gave us the biggest moment of the night. It was amazing.” Steven Tyler: “It was beautiful the way you climbed the ladder and at the end you nailed it. And that’s all anybody wants out of a song.” Randy Yo Dawg: “By the time you hit the end it was great. What I love about you is that you have other sides, you’re not just in one bag.” Me: “The beginning was fine. Steven Tyler would like to climb on to something in the near future. And what is this whole, “all we want is a good ending to a song” situation? I want to hear a song that is good all the way through.”

Heejun! He is funny. He is singing “All is Fair in Love.” Mary J is surprised by Heejun’s tone. Heejun is funny. And endearing. Oooohhhhh, he has a string section on stage with him. This could be epic. He also got the sitting memo. Jenny from the Block: “I love you, I love you, I love you.” Something about hugging. Steven Tyler: “I love your voice, great job.” Randy Yo Dawg: “It wasn’t perfect, but it was reallllly good.” Me: “Is it just me or did they give him really short critiques? It was good, not like, knock my socks off good, but good.”
Hollie Cavanagh is next. She is singing “All the Man that I Need.” Mary J and Jimmy have a lot of faith in Hollie. I did not know this was a Whitney song. Upsetting, since this is probably in reference to “Bobby B!” (said in the voice of Maya Rudolph portraying Whitney on SNL). By the way, if you have not seen that skit, you should. Here it is. Ok, so her voice is a lot better than I initially thought. I still have no idea what is going on with her accent, but I loved her performance. Randy Yo Dawg: “You love taking on these big songs, this is like Whitney, like her primes joint she’s doing right here. And guess what , you nailed it!” Me: “Randy Yo Dawg, did you really have to use the word Whitney and joint in the same sentence?” Too soon? Jenny from the Block thinks there will be two girls in the final. I hope so. That would be refreshing. Steven Tyler: “That was really nice.” Me: “Steven and his conciseness is also refreshing.”
Watch Raising Hope. It’s amazing.
Jeremy is singing “Written in the Sky.” Jeremy is very nervous. Very, very nervous. Oh, the song is called “Ribbons in the Sky.” Enunciation goes a long way. Take notes Hair-boy. This is kind of a train wreck. He’s pitchy yo dawg all over the joint. For some inexplicable reason, Jenny from the Block is laughing. Steven Tyler: “Beautiful, velvety voice, I loved your voice from the start, great song tonight. You didn’t get a chance to fly like you usually do, doesn’t matter, wasn’t in that song, but you can do it.” Jenny from the Block: “I love to hear your interpretation of songs. It was really beautiful. Good job.” Randy Yo Dawg: “For me, man, it wasn’t your best. It’s the kind of song that you just have to put more swag in it to make it believable. I didn’t really believe it tonight.” Me: “I believe I agree with Randy Yo Dawg.”
Jessica Sanchez is next. She is singing “the iconic Whitney Houston song, I Will Always Love You.” Can we just stop right here and note the fact that Dolly Parton wrote and sang this song originally? It’s a Dolly Parton song. Point of fact, Whitney did not write many, if any, of her songs. Wow. Just wow. This is without a doubt the best performance of the night. The judges are all standing up. She is crying. That was amazing. Randy Yo Dawg: “Yo. Jessica Sanchez is legIT! I think you’re one of the best singers in this whole competition.” Jenny from the Block: “Just. Just. Amazing. It was beautiful.” Steven Tyler: “Jessica. You may be the one. You just made 40,000,000 people cry.” I wasn’t crying. But it was good.
Phillip Phillips is next. He is singing “Superstition.” This is going to be amazing. Jimmy Iovine says he is a rare find of a great musician and a great singer. That’s why I love Jimmy Iovine. He understands that those are two different things that don’t always go together. I know plenty of people IRL and on AI that are great singers but not such great musicians, and vice versa. Anyway. On to Phillip Phillips. This is awesome. I told you it would be. I loved that. They are totally gearing up for Phillip and Jessica in the finale though. Steven Tyler: “You got a lot of forgetaboutit in your voice. There’s no words for it. You just are. Y’know what I mean?” Jenny from the Block: “You took that and made it your own and you killed it.” Randy Yo Dawg: “Jimmy’s right, we need you in this competition. I’m waiting to see every time, how you’re going to interpret a song. You drive your own car, in your own lane and I love it.” Paul: “That’s illegal.”
So here’s how it shakes out.
If I had voted (I probably won’t vote this season) I would have voted for the following:
Joshua Ledet ****
Erika Van Pelt ****
Skylar Laine ***
Hollie Cavanagh ***
Jessica Sanchez *****
Phillip Phillips *****

Bottom Boy: Probably Jeremy. Bottom Girl: Probably Elise. Going home: Probably Elise.

Let’s see if I’m right.
The Results:
Top 13 singing Stevie Wonder as a group. This group sing doesn’t stink like usual. And I really have underestimated Hollie Cavanagh. There’s Elise and her Hat. Deandre still makes me ill.
Ford Commercial. They’re giants. They like FORD. But they can’t fit in them, so that’s lame.
Jimmy Iovine says it was tough last night.
Jessica, Hollie, and Elise are up. Elise will probably not be safe.
Jimmy says Elise is in trouble.
Jimmy says Hollie was fantastic.
Jimmy says Jessica had the best performance in the history of American Idol. He is concerned she will get overconfident.
Jessica is safe. Duh.
Elise is in the bottom three girls. Duh.
Hollie is safe. Duh.
Colton, Heejun, and Jermaine are up.
Jimmy says Heejun has a lot of flaws and was shafted by having to sing this song.
Jimmy says Colton doesn’t know who he is.
Jimmy says Jermaine had an internal battle between tuning and feel. He also wants to point out that Armani doesn’t make suits big enough for Jermaine.
Colton is safe. Boo.
Heejun is safe.
Jermaine is in the bottom three boys.
Lauren Alaina is performing . She really should have won over Scotty McDreary.
Erika, Shannon, and Skylar are up. Shannon is probably in the bottom three girls.
Jimmy said Erika did a really believable job. But she needs to work on presentation.
Jimmy said nerves got the better of Shannon. She needs more experience.
Jimmy said he likes Skylar’s nasally sound in her voice.
Erika is in the bottom three girls. Dumb. Dumbdumbdumb.
Skylar is safe. Duh.
Shannon is in the bottom three girls.
Phillip, Jeremy, Deandre and Joshua are up.
Jimmy says Joshua is very good, but he could get boring. I disagree 100%.
Jimmy says Deandre was a pleasant surprise. I disagree 100% again.
Jimmy says Phillip is a great musician vocally and instrumentally. And he knows who he is. He’s nervous that the girls could outshine him. I disagree again.
Jimmy says Jeremy did not deliver at all. He thinks Jeremy is going. Jimmy is harsh.
Randy is apparently enrolling in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry sometime soon.
Phillip is safe. Duh.
Jeremy is in the bottom three guys.
Deandre is safe. America is stupid. Really, really stupid.
Joshua Ledet is in the bottom three boys.
Mary J Blige. I’ll probably watch for a minute. Minute’s up. That’s enough.
Somewhere along the way I missed that Joshua and Erika were safe. But yay!
Jermaine is safe. 
Jeremy is the bottom boy.
Shannon is safe. 
Elise is the bottom girl.
Jennifer says America got it wrong. Randy says America didn’t get it exactly right but they probably did. That was vague, for me for you.
Jeremy is going home. So I was almost right. But, as we all know, almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
Wait. Waitwaitwait. The farewell song is a Scotty McReery song. Barf.
The eliminated contestant doesn’t have to sing one last time? Weird. The judges seem very disgruntled at this outcome. I don’t know why everyone is so shocked. He was not great last night and he wasn’t going to go far. Maybe the judges are mad because Jimmy was right….

Thursday, March 1, 2012

The Final 13

Here we go. This could either go really well or be a complete trainwreck. I'm voting trainwreck.

Jenny from the Block forgot to attach the rest of her dress. That's embarrassing.

33 million votes to determine the top 13. Again, why can't that many people be involved in voting that actually matters. And yes, I know it's because 32.5 million of those people are under the age of 18.

Chase, Phillip and Jeremy are all up. Out of this group, Phillip should go through. Jeremy will probably be a wild card. Chase is dunzo.

Jimmy Iovine thinks Jeremy has a great voice and is really nice, but that's not enough to win Idol.

Jimmy Iovine thinks Chase is good-looking but there is nothing fresh, original or exciting about him. Burn.

Jimmy Iovine thinks Phillip Phillips is original and Idol needs originality. Jimmy would sign him on the spot. Nice.

America says that Jeremy is not in the top 10. Chase is not either. Phillip is in the top 10. Told ya so.

Jessica, Hollie, Brielle, and Hallie are up. Out of this group, I'll take anyone but Brielle. But really the only one I saw in the top 13 was Jessica. Paul wants Hollie (the short blonde) and Hallie (the tall blonde that looks like Marilyn Monroe).

Jimmy Iovine says Hollie could do some real damage if she had better songs.

Jimmy Iovine says Brielle is obnoxious. Oh no, Paul said that. Jimmy said that Brielle has a lot of charisma but she picked a crummy song.

Jimmy Iovine says Hallie is poised, restrained, and has a great tone. But he doesn't think America will vote for her. And he also says she's blonde.

Jimmy Iovine says Jessica has talent from A-Z and he would sign her on the spot. He also said she's the one to beat. I guess I just don't get her.

Hallie is glowing. She's making everything around her yellow.

Brielle is not in the top 10. Hallelujah.

Hallie is not in the top 10. Paul is bummed.

Hollie and Jessica are both in. Jessica was in my top 13. But as a wild card. So there's that.

Joshua, Heejun, and Adam are up. Not good. Joshua and Heejun should both be in. I have all three of these guys in my top 13. Adam as a wild card.

Jimmy Iovine says Joshua is the real deal and he wants to work with him. But he wants to make sure that it doesn't turn into Sister Act III. I don't know if I have mentioned before how much I heart Jimmy Iovine. But I do. I love him I do.

Jimmy Iovine says Adam is not pulling off the large black woman inside of his white boy body.

Jimmy Iovine says Heejun is completely confusing because he tries to be funny.

Joshua is in the top 10! YES! He's in my top 13.

Heejun is in the top 10. Awesome.

My child is screaming like he's never been fed in his entire 4 month life. Please hold.

Ok we're back.

Shannon, Skylar, Chelsea, and Baylie are up. Shannon and Skylar should be in.

Jimmy Iovine says Skylar did herself a service with her song choice and a lot of the country voted for her.

Jimmy Iovine says Baylie has all the pieces but they didn't fall into place.

Jimmy Iovine says Chelsea has a really nice voice but her performance was not original enough.

Jimmy Iovine says Shannon has a really good voice and has great poise and could use some help in styling. I would agree with that, actually.

Shannon is in the Top 10. Duh.

Skylar is in the Top 10. MAN, I'm good! ;)

Aaron, Creighton, Reed are up. Wow. I think Creighton and Reed should be in the top 13, BUT there are only 3 spots left and still a bunch of guys left to get through. So I doubt they are both in the top 10.

Jimmy Iovine thought Reed was too kitschy and cabaret. Wow. I can see that.

Jimmy Iovine says Aaron was cheesy and Don Cheadle. Wait, Don Cheadle is cheesy? I missed that memo.

Jimmy Iovine says Creighton has an interesting voice. Top end is screechy and annoys him. He did not love Creighton.

Jenny from the Block thinks Jimmy should come to the show. She also thinks what they hear there is different than what we hear here. Shouldn't that NOT be the case though? Shouldn't there "talent" surpass the bounds of space and touch our very souls as we watch from our couches? Wow, that was poetic.

Randy Yo Dawg thinks Jimmy was correct after all. Steven Tyler had some choice words for Jimmy.

I don't think Jimmy cares what the judges think, frankly.

Aaron is not in the top 10.

Creighton is not in the top 10.

Reed is not in the top 10 either.

Holy. Toledo.

Elise, Erika, Haley, and Jen are up. Elise and Haley have zero style. It's appalling actually.

Jimmy Iovine says Jen Hirsh has a really nice voice, but she needs to stay miles away from Adele. Too many Adele wannabes. I'm pretty sure I said the same thing last night. Jimmy Iovine and I are having a mind-meld.

Jimmy Iovine says Erika has music in her blood and she has great restraint, which the show needs more of. He disagrees with the judges. I think Jimmy Iovine should be a judge. Scratch that, I think Jimmy Iovine should be THE judge.

Jimmy Iovine says Haley sang out of tune the entire song and Randy was right when he said it was a nightmare. Ouch.

Jimmy Iovine says Elise has a lot of character but she pushes a little too much.

I think Jen, Erika, AND Elise should be in the top 13. So I'm not going to be happy with this result, regardless.

Haley is not in the top 10.

Erika is not in the top 10 either.

Elise is in the top 10. Jen is not. I actually agree with that.

DeAndre Makemesick, Jebenieber, Colton, and Jermaine are up. Jermaine looks like he's going to eat the other three.

Jimmy Iovine is glad the judges brought Jermaine back. He has a beautiful voice and Jimmy would listen to an entire album of his. Jimmy is rooting for him. If Jimmy Iovine got a hold of Jermaine, Jermaine would be GOLDEN.

Jimmy Iovine says DeAndre has potential and he needs a coach. And he's not ready for Earth, Wind, and Fire.

Jimmy Iovine says Jebenieber has potential but is not ready for primetime. He made a bad song choice and they should change the rules so that Jebenieber can come back if he doesn't make it.

Jimmy Iovine thinks Colton is really talented (?) and thinks he could win this thing. Jimmy has fallen under his spell.

DeAndre is not in the top 10. And now he is resorting to his second option of career choice which is apparently a hairdresser.

Colton is in the top 10. That's aggravating. I do not enjoy him and I foresee many angst filled blogs in my future.

Jermaine is in the top 10. That's incredible. VINDICATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So the wild card contenders are:
DeAndre Makemesick

The judges will choose 6 people to sing again.

Jen Hirsh is singing for her life. She is ridiculously good. She needs to make it. Why didn't she sing like this last night???? The judges are giving feedback? I can't take the suspense. FFWD.

Jeremy Rosado is singing for his life. He's singing Carrie Underwood. He sang this for his final audition. This kid has pipes. I really like him. I want him to make it.

Oh for the love. They're letting stupid Brielle sing again. GAHHHHH! I don't think you understand how much I hate her. She just tackled Ryan Seacrest. AND SHE'S SINGING ADELE. Leave Adele songs ALONE. GOOD GRIEF.

You have got to be kidding me. DeAndre gets to sing again too. He's singing "Georgia." And in "pe...peaceful dreams he sees Georgia." He's not even from Georgia. And he thinks pointing to his head will convince us that he still has a mind.

THANK YOU. Erika gets to sing again. Oh, come on. She's singing Lady Cher. 'Cause Lady Gaga copycats Cher. Her voice is so good. This is a very appropriate song choice for this situation. I realllllllly want Erika to make it.

Reed Grimm gets to sing.

So we say farewell to: Haley, Chase, Chelsea, Jebenieber, Aaron, Hallie, Adam, and Creighton. I'm REALLY surprised at Creighton.

So Reed is going to sing. He's singing "Use Me" by Bill Withers. Also, Reed is FOR SURE on the spectrum. He's not going through. He's like on the verge of insane or brilliant.

Ok the wild cards.

Randy's wild card is.............

Erika Van Pelt. And I just did some kind of crazy dinosaur sound.

Jenny from the Block's wild card is.........

Jeremy Rosado. And i just did a large amount of fist pumping.

Steven Tyler's wild card is........

DeAndre Makemesick. And I just threw up a little in my mouth.

One good thing about this turn of events is that we don't have to deal with Brielle. Or her Mom.

But they missed the boat on Jen Hirsh and Reed Grimm.

Next week the guys do Stevie Wonder and the girls do Whitney Houston. I told you so.