Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Most Predictable Idol Win Ever

The finalists are singing a song that Joshua already killed DEAD earlier in the season. And they are all wearing white, as per usual. The worst part of this is that I have to see DeAndre's hair. The judges spared no article of shiny and over the top clothing in determining the attire for the finale. Ryan Seacrest looks like he's going to prom. 132 million people voted. Phillip looks like he escaped from a mental institution in those white clothes. Phillip is going to sing with John Fogerty from CCR. Finally, a relevant musician guesting on American Idol! Oh, and they let Phillip put on non-white clothes. Good. This is just marvelous. Sure, it's not the most technically amazing performance, but it's so Phillip and it's just easy. Phillip gets to talk! He's introducing "Bad Moon Rising." This is just awesome. I'm rewinding because Paul is missing this. Now he's watching. And he just said, "Phillip could do a cover of CCR and I wouldn't hate it." This is a big deal, because Paul loooooooooooooves CCR. Almost as much as he loves me. And that's a lot. So he says. He's singing along. I feel like the choker John Fogerty is wearing is to hide the fact that he is actually headless. Like if the choker wasn't there his head would roll away from the rest of him. Paul says that's true. Now I'm even more freaked out. That was awesome. Seriously and fuh reals. All the terrible auditions are being relived. Why? Why must you do this to us? They were painful when they happened and they're painful now. Joshua is going to sing "Take Me to the Pilot" by Lady Elton John. He is wearing a jacket made of tin foil and Christmas tinsel. Fantasia is singing now. And she, I can't find the words to describe how she looks. This is also a very strange song and performance. I did not really enjoy it. Boo. Edit to add: I agree. She needs a friend or a mirror. OH MY GOODNESS! Jimmy Iovine calls Jennifer Lopez Jessica instead. I love it! Why do I love it so much? Because for YEARS I have been mistakenly called Jennifer. But my name is Jessica. FINALLY, the tables have turned on the Jennifers of the world! VINDICATION FOR JESSICAS WORLDWIDE!!!!! Too much?? Apparently Jimmy has a daughter named Jessica. no excuse. Erika Van Pelt went back to blonde. Good move. Elise is still awesome. I think the goal of tonight's finale is to be as sparkly as possible. Shannon is still very emotive and very pitchy dawg and freakishly tall. Bebica decided to join the ladies of the top 12. Just long enough to sing approximately 6 words before being interrupted by Chaka Khan. Why are there so many unitards on this show??? Sue Sylvester is getting DOWN with her bad self. I am just thoroughly confused by all of this. Paul: "That compilation of women really IS every woman!" The Ford Music Video is a compilation of all of the Ford Music Videos. Since it would have been awkward to do a video with just Bebica since Phillip has to have dialysis or whatever. Which does not necessarily mean he got sympathy votes. I think it's actually because he's original and not boring. Phillip's music mentor is his brother in law. Normal. Bebica's music mentor is her family friend who is exceptionally older than her and seems slightly grabby. Not normal. They get new cars. So do Phillip and Bebica. Rihanna needs an entire performance to herself. I do not support this. Fastforwarding. Skylar is going to sing "Turn on the Radio." Which means Reba will join her. Which I fully support. Afro fiddle guy!!!!!! YES!!!!! As Paul said, if any of the women deserve to be in the finale it's Skylar. That's right SKYLAR! NOT HOLLIE. That was awesomazing. That's a combo of awesome and amazing. Steven Tyler's dressing room. He has a sloth. And an old lady and man making out. Ew. And other various oddities. Bebica is singing "I Will Always Love You." They sure are setting her up to win aren't they? Too bad they're wrong. Now the boys are singing. I almost called them men. But that would be wrong. Oh, I still hate Colton's voice. And they're singing Neil Diamond so I don't have a lot of hope for this. Who is that kid between Joshua and DeAndre's Hair? Oh, yeah. Jeremy. DeAndre's hair is even more annoying than it was during the season. At least the guys are not sparkly. Joshua is attempting to redeem this. Too little, too late. Where is Neil? We need Neil. Here he is. Finally. He is old. So old he can't sing. :( That was kind of difficult to watch. They are now making fun of Randy saying people can sing the phonebook. By having the contestants sing the phone book. It's hilarity. Jenny from the Block is performing twice. SELENAS!!!!!!! She is also sparkly. And apparently this first song will be involved in the movie Step Up Revolution. Eventually they will have a Step Up with your walker. I mean really, how many Step Ups do you need? It's turning into Die Hard or Friday the 13th or Saw or Batman. Now Jenny from the Block is not wearing a shirt and telling me to jump. No. You cannot make me jump. That was disturbing. Ace Young and Diana DeGarmo are dating. They were on American Idol a million years ago. And now they're engaged, after some very awkward product placement. That was incredibly strange. I hope Ace cuts his hair. Hollie is singing "You Never Walk Alone" which is a song from one of my favorite musicals. So I'm going to have to fast it's Jordin Sparks. This is a very strange pairing. It could also mean that no major superstars wanted to sing with Hollie. Paul just said Jordin's hair is longer than Hollie. HA! Robin Gibb died. We're sad. And we're trying to kill me by butchering BeeGees songs. Fastforward. Bebica is performing with Jennifer Holliday "And I Am Telling You." Jennifer Holliday has a very very large mouth. And it's making me laugh so hard. I'm weeping openly I'm laughing so hard. I can't even hear the performance. Holy. I just fell on the floor I was laughing so hard. And Paul is choking to death. Oh seriously, if you fastforwarded through that, please go YouTube it. You will not be sorry. Her face! Her Face! HER FACE! Aerosmith! Stop. It. NOW! May not be my cup of tea per SE, but come on, Steven Tyler and Joe Perry= Legen (wait for it) dary! Sweet. Demi Lovato and Britney Spears are judging X Factor now? What the? Demi Lovato is approximately 7 and Britney is about as stable as Iran. Bebica and Phillip are singing "Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong." Can we just finish this now? I have ice cream waiting. Here comes Edward with the results. They are official. They are counted. And they are certified. No hanging chads here, people. Phillip Phillips wins! DUH! White guy with guitar, FOR THE WIN! Scotty McReery is about to hand Phillip the white guy guitar so he can officially be the white guy with a guitar who won American Idol. He is going to sing, "Home" again. Which is great. Yay. I'm glad he won. Even if he is a white guy with a guitar.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

White Guy With Guitar For The Win!

We're jumping right in tonight , folks. Bebica is up first singing "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston, which was selected by Simon Fuller. So it's a predictable, boring ballad, as per usual. The notes were all great, but it was just boring and didn't get me up off the couch. The judges will tell us what they thought after Round 1 is completed. Oh shoot. I'm watching live. That means I have to watch commercials. Blech. Phillip is going to sing "Stand By Me" by Ben E. King. Most people will not enjoy this. Like my husband. I, however, love it. I love that he's changed it just enough to make it original, but kept it close to the melody in parts so it is still recognizable. The judges say Bebica and Phillip are opposites of each other. Well, yes, when you consider that one is good and one is not. One is original and one is karaoke. One is a musician the other is a copycat. But other than that they're completely the same. The judges also say Bebica won Round 1. Incorrect. Jason DeRulo's song that everyone in America helped him write because he can't write his own songs is premiering tonight. I'm good. Bebica is singing "The Prayer" which is her favorite performance of the season. Shocking. It's a ballad. There were nice notes, but still....YAWN. Phillip is singing "Movin' out" by Billy Joel. He is also singing with his friend the Sax Player Lady. I loved this performance when he did it the first time, and I love it now. The judges can't decide who won that round. Phillip. Phillip won that round. Because he didn't sing the same thing he sings all. the. time. Bebica is singing a song called "Change Nothing" which is what she will release if she wins. SHOCKER. It's a ballad-esque song. Randy Yo Dawg: "I didn't like the song, but you brought the song to life, but the song was just ok." Me: "Ok, so her performance was just ok then. If the song was bad, but she brought it to life, but you still thought the song was bad, then it was bad." Jenny from the Block: "That song was a pop ballad, and I wouldn't have said that should be your first single." Me: "What? She only sings pop ballads." Steven Tyler: "I know how good you sing. The song was poop." That's basically what he said. Bebica agrees with them that the song was poop but she wanted to pick a song that showcased her voice but if she ever makes a record she won't do songs like that one. Huh? She has no idea what she wants to sing. She always sings songs like that. Apparently we're going to try The Ricki Lake show again. That seems unneccessary. Phillip is singing a song called "Home." And it's great. The drumline is awesome. The song is awesome. It's right up his alley. He chose correctly. He also just won American Idol. Randy Yo Dawg: "I loved everything about it. Mumford and Sons." Jenny from the Block: "I couldn't think of anyone it sounded like, because I don't listen to real music." Steven Tyler: "You have made this place your home. I heard Paul Simon." So apparently, Jenny from the Block just wasn't listening. So there you go. That was quick and easy, unlike what the finale undoubtedly will be. Bebica should not be in this finale. Phillip should win.

Thursday, May 17, 2012


Top 3 results. The top 3 sang “Got to Get You Into My Life.” It was strange. Joshua and Bebica did a weird Ford commercial. Turns out Phillip is not in the commercials because he has to have dialysis. Yikes. Jimmy says Joshua’s first song last night was great and he’s the best showman of the remaining contestants. Jimmy says “Imagine” is a beautiful song but the wrong song for Joshua last night. Jimmy says “No More Drama” didn’t have enough melody for Joshua to mess around with. Jimmy picked that song for him, so I don’t know why that’s surprising. But at least Jimmy took responsibility for it. Jimmy says Joshua should 100% be in anyone’s finale. The top 3 and Hollie went and sang a song for the new Ice Age propaganda film that is coming out. Lisa Marie Presley is singing. Random. Apparently she is trapped in some sort of Alice in Wonderland/Jack Sparrow time warp. She also looks like she may be drunk. Or channeling Stevie Nicks. Priscilla Presley was in the audience too. Jimmy says Bebica needed a shock and awe moment in her first song and she didn’t have one. Jimmy says Bebica did not have a great moment in her Aerosmith song either. Jimmy says he didn’t think of the fact that Bebica would have to sing both Jermaine and Michael’s parts on “I’ll Be There.” SWEET! ADAM LAMBERT IS PERFORMING! I’ll be not sitting here, not listening to that travesty to humankind. First we need to hear from the peanut gallery about Donna Summer dying. It was sad. They all agreed. Now….Lamebert. Jimmy thought Phillip's first song was good. Not great, but good. Jimmy thought his second song was a “snoozefest.” And Jimmy thought Phillip won the night with “We’ve Got Tonight.” Here we go. The finale will be…. Bebica and…… Phillip!!!! White guy with a guitar for the win! Phillip will win this. Promise. Joshua is singing “This is a Man’s Man’s Man’s World.” I’m telling you, he is amazing. Chills. Repeated chills.

We're Almost Done!

Top 3 will perform 3 times. First, judges picks. Joshua Ledet sang "I'd Rather Go Blind", which Randy Yo Dawg chose for him. He killed it. 9/10 stars. The judges all loved it. I was eating ice cream so I can't exactly paraphrase what they said. Bebica Sanchez sang "My All" by Mariah Carey, which Jenny from the Block chose. Predictable. It was a nice vocal, but I'm "not jumping up and down" as Randy Yo Dawg says. Randy Yo Dawg: "Absolutely beautiful, perfect song for you. I work with Mariah, she's my girl. It's one of the best times a Mariah song has ever been performed on TV." The other two judges loved it but my computer deleted their comments. Oh, and Steven Tyler predicted Bebica will win. So she won't even make the finale. Phillip Phillips is singing "Beggin" by MadCon, which Steven chose for him. This is a strange song choice for him, but I like this song on the whole. Jenny from the Block: “I love that Steven said we picked this song because it has a great melody, but you can’t help it, you’ve just gotta mess witit.” And yes, she went all Jenny from the Block and said “witit.” Because the “h” would have required too much effort. I’m just going to drop “h’s” randomly wenever Jenny from te Block talks. See wat I did tere? Steven Tyler: “You are being smacked in the face with a spotlight. And it’s a beautiful thing.” Randy Yo Dawg liked it too, but my computer deleted what I was typing and I missed it. And I’m too lazy to rewind. Ryan asks the judges who won that round. Randy Yo Dawg says Joshua won. Jenny from the Block says it was Pillip. No h. Steven Tyler rambles about the side of the street, crawling into a song and getting inside yourself, and eventually says he’s on the fence. Round 2: Contestants Choice Joshua went home to Louisiana. Westlake Louisiana. There was a parade. He went to church. There was a pirate filming it on an iPhone. He is quite charismatic on stage. Unbelievable. He is singing the worst song in the history of the world. “Imagine” by John Lennon. Yes, John, let’s imagine a socialist society….oh wait, that may not be too much of a stretch. But I will say that in spite of the atrocity of this song, he has a phenomenal voice. Steven Tyler: “Another thank you God moment. “ Except there is no God in that song. That was Paul’s add-in.” Jenny from the Block: “It’s like you were preacing wile you were singing. But tere are three people in tis finale, and tey are tree different voices, and I am good at mat. But your performance quality is special.” Randy Yo Dawg: “Why did you pick this terrible song?” Joshua: “I wanted to just carry the message.” Randy Yo Dawg: “I’m glad you said that. Carry that with you. Keep singing what you mean.” If Joshua means we should all be communists he is dead to me. Bebica went home to Chula Vista. She got stalked by boys. She landed in Petco Park. Go Padres. There are a LOT of people clamoring to see her. She is going to sing “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith. Which is the band that Steven Tyler is in. So that’s either a really stupid move or a very huge risk that will have a great payoff. That was a decent vocal. The last note was not so hot. Steven Tyler is standing. Which I suppose is a big deal. Steven Tyler: “You just took a great song and made it greater.” Jenny from the Block: “Tat was amazing, you did really great. Te note at the end sent everybody into the eavens.” Me: “No.” Randy Yo Dawg: “I was waiting on a big moment, and you delivered.” Phillip went home to Leesburg, GA. There are a lot of people in a small area of the airport. His Dad is sweet. He is proud of Phillip for doing what he loves with integrity. He is also packing. Phillip is singing “Disease” by Matchbox 20. Complete with his trusty strangely attractive saxophone player. I had never heard that song, but he made me enjoy it. I just find his musicianship refreshing, I think. It’s not just cut and dry. Jenny from the Block: “It was an easy-going performance. But it wasn’t te WOW performance tat we need and want.” Steven Tyler: “I feel the same way. It wasn’t over the top it was Phillip Phillips. You have the bug. Hold it close to your chest and get used to it because you never will.” Randy Yo Dawg: “It was just ok.” The judges are confusing me, especially Steven Tyler. Round 3…Jimmy’s picks. Joshua is going to sing “No More Drama” by Mary J. Blige. Jimmy says he thinks Joshua can take us to church in this song. The guy background singer looks like Danny Gokey. I definitely have had chills a couple times watching this. That was incredible. I really want him to win. Really, really badly. Randy Yo Dawg: “At this point it doesn’t matter what you sing, you have laid everything there is to lay on this stage. You are a natural performer.” Why we need to keep cutting to Hollie Cavanagh and DeAndre Makemesick is beyond me. Jenny from the Block: “You ave this perfect marriage of knowing exactly wat you’re doing and letting completely go at the same time.” Apparently his in-ears fell off. And this is a big deal. Apparently. Steven Tyler: “Did you not see how much Jennifer went off? That’s what you did. I watched you and felt the last 40 years of music business. It was over the top. Over the top.” Steven says that a lot. I don’t think it means what he thinks it means. Jimmy asked Bebica to sing “I’ll Be There” by the Jackson 5. This was really boring for me for you for everyone. It just seemed really copycat. Steven Tyler: “That song reminds me of “don’t bore us, get to the chorus”, it was gorgeous, over the top.” Jenny from the Block: “You sounded like Micael! It was amazing.” Randy Yo Dawg: “I liked it ok. I didn’t love it for me. There was never a moment moment. It needed a moment moment moment. I would have preferred the Mariah version.” I agree with Randy Yo Dawg. It was a fine vocal. But it was super boring. Which pretty much defines her with rare exceptions. Jimmy picked “We’ve Got Tonight” by Bob Seger for Phillip. This is so simple and beautiful. He has such a great voice. Very simple and sweet and gorgeous. The judges agree with me. DeAndre appears to be confused. He just figured out why he was eliminated. Because he’s terrible. Randy Yo Dawg: “Perfect song at the perfect song and your best performance on the show ever.” I don’t know that I would agree with THAT. But it was really good. Jenny from the Block: “I know one ting, tere are 20 million girls out tere who wis you were singing tat song to tem.” I know two things. Jenny from the Block is probably one of those 20 million. And judging from Hollie fanning Shannon Magrane’s face, Shannon is too. Steven Tyler: “Expletives. Let them bleep it.” So here’s the deal. I feel like America will probably screw this up royally and put Bebica in the finale against Phillip. But the finale SHOULD be Phillip and Joshua. That’s how I would have voted. But we’ll see what America says.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Top 4 Perform and Hollie Cavanagh Sings for the Last Time I Hope: Edit: PEACE OUT HOLLIE!

Jenny from the Block looks like she rolled around in a tub of glue and then rolled around in a tub of glitter. At least she's wearing something on her bottom half, as opposed to Cristina on The Voice finale. That was atrocious. The top 4 are going to sing 2 songs. First they will sing songs by bands from California or about California (weird). Then they will sing a song they wish they had written. Phillip did not think he would make it through the audition round. His family is encouraging. Except last week his BIL told him "Time of the Season" was not good. Which was true. He is singing "Have You Ever Seen the Rain?" by CCR. He is accompanied by The Most Emotionally Involved Saxophonist in the History of American Idol. This is remarkably copycat for Phillip Phillips. Although I do like the syncopation in the second verse. That's nice. I also enjoy the organ. Anyway, that was fine. Probably like a 7/10 stars for me for you. Steven Tyler: "The road to success is always under construction." Jenny from the Block: "You sang like that with cottonmouth? You sound like Joe Cocker." Randy Yo Dawg (who looks like an old lady's couch): "It started out rough, but then you smiled, and you fell into the money and it was sensational from that moment on out. When you have a good time, we all have a good time." Me: "It was fine, it was a little more copycat than I would like. I feel like maybe he's getting overconfident. But what do I know, right? I also think Hollie is the worst of the bunch." Speaking of Hollie, she is going to sing "Faithfully." Oh fantastic, it's my nightmare. A Journey song. I predict a ton of namedropping from Randy Yo Dawg. He played bass for Journey, you know. He's never mentioned it, I realize, but this reporter has done extensive research and discovered that this is the case. Hollie is discussing how she auditioned last year, finally. Why no one has mentioned this before now, I have no idea. This is actually a decent performance. I'm not jumping up and down exactly, but it's a good vocal. I'd say it's about a 6/10 I guess what I don't like about her is that she is very calculated. Like I don't sense the passion behind her singing. She's too scientific about it. Like after her long note just there she put the mic down and looked over her shoulder, it just seems so calculated, like she was already planning her next moment. Randy Yo Dawg: "You're peaking at the right time, Jennifer challenged you and you've been slaying us every week, I love that song, I was in Journey, you know. I loved my time with them. Steve Perry." Me: "She's been slaying us every week? I must not have been watching every week." Jenny from the Block: "I'm going to cry because of your journey. I'm very clever." Steven Tyler: "You have blossomed and creativity is a delicate flower and you make it bloom with positive affirmations. Like Jennifer. Over the top." Hollie had to have someone explain the meaning of that song to her. Uh. I don't really know how to respond to that. Jason DeRulo has a broken neck and wants me to write his song. Nope. Write your own stinkin' song. Joshua is going to sing "You Raise Me Up." Also, Joshua apparently auditioned last year in N.O. They must not have shown his audition. I feel like I would have remembered that. He and his family are deathly afraid of flying. This is awesome. 9/10. His voice is just flawless. Jenny from the Block: "The whole world knows what I think of Joshua already. This is going to be interesting because we have amazing singers. I knew this top 4 was going to happen." Me: "Oh shut up, you did not know Hollie would be in the top 4." Steven Tyler: "I'm glad you got on the plane. You are the plane. You sang your tush off. Fear is courage that said it's prayers. You say your prayers." Randy Yo Dawg: "I never thought you would take Josh Groban to "chuch." You're an amazing artist with a ginormous career ahead of you." Joshua may win this whole thing. Bebica has no skill other than singing. At least that's how I interpreted what she just said. She is singing "Steal Away" by Etta James. Why does she feel the need to sing songs by people who are either dead or close to it? She's 16 years old. You wanna talk about a 1 trick pony? The only thing she does different is sing songs that are different tempos. Other than that, she is ALWAYS growling, ALWAYS singing songs that are too old for her, ALWAYS gyrating provocatively, and ALWAYS using too much vibrato. Jenny from the Block: "You've been growling since you were how old? You are one of the best singers I've ever seen." Steven Tyler: "I loved it. I'm doing an Etta James song and you nailed it. You're shaking off the old you and changing." Me: "She hasn't changed at. all." Randy Yo Dawg: "I love that you are 16 and singing Etta James. You can sing anything. Everybody says "they can sing the phone book", you can sing the phone book." Me: "No one says that but you Randy Yo Dawg." This was about a 6/10. Phillip and Joshua are singing "This Love." I love this because there are two pianos. I hate this because they are WALKING ON THE PIANO. In spite of that blatant act of blasphemy, that was great. Steven Tyler: "Perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect. Brilliant. Perfect. Marriage. Perfect." Jenny from the Block: "It's hard to find songs you could sing together, but that was perfect, it would be like Adam Levine and Usher coming together." Me: "That's racist Jennifer. What do you think all white people and all black people look alike? GOSH!" Disclaimer: totally kidding. Please do not add me to the list of crazy people that pull the race card at every drop of the hat. Randy Yo Dawg: "It's a great song, Adam Levine and Maroon 5 sang the I don't know what out of it. I thought it sounded amazing." Then he did some weird accent thing. Joshua giggles in Phillip's presence. Just a statement. The Olympics commercial about Mother's makes me hope Landry is an Olympian. Bebica and Hollie are singing some "Eternal Flame." They are also swinging on large strands of fabric. This is nonsense. That was a hot mess. Randy Yo Dawg: "That was a little strange for me. I just didn't like it. I thought it was weird." I wish that the judges said that more frequently. Just, I thought it was weird. That's all. Nothing else. Jenny from the Block: "I don't know if it was that bad." Steven Tyler: "You just didn't sing your song the way they sang their song. That's all." I'm cracking up because Phillip and Joshua are swinging on those stupid swings while the judges are giving feedback. The contestants got to see "Rock of Ages" footage with Adam Shankman and Julianne Hough. I like Adam Shankman on SYTYCD. I would potentially enjoy this movie if it weren't for Tom Cruise. As it is, though, Tom Cruise is possibly the most annoying person on the face of the Earth. Plus he's an idiot. Ryan is talking to Adam Shankman who claims that Tom Cruise can sing. Ryan is dating Julianne Hough. So now he is acting like he is going to propose, but really he just wants Julianne to pass a note to Tom Cruise. Which is interesting. Just a statement. Now the Top 4 are singing a song together. What is happening? Why aren't we just doing the performances? It's like all filler all the time. It's ridiculous. I'm not watching this. Phillip Phillips is excited to jam with his guys at home, and eat at something called "El Maya." He is going to sing "Volcano" by Damien Rice. Jimmy says it's exactly right. I've never heard this song. I enjoy this performance though. The cellist. The background singer. It was really UNIQUE and pretty. 8/10. Steven Tyler: "I agree with Jimmy, I heard the musician. You sang like you dug the way you sung." Me: "What?" Jenny from the Block: "Very few people could have pulled that off on a competition show like this. It's a testament to who you are. For me, it was one of the most beautiful poignant moments. The girls helped too. The singer and the, the musician." Me: "It's a cellist. I know it's hard for someone who only uses electronic music from a computer to recognize musical instruments." Randy Yo Dawg: "Amazing, amazing, amazing." Hollie is going to sing "I Can't Make You Love Me." Nope. You definitely can NOT make me love you. Jimmy says she can't oversing. So this will undoubtedly fail. Oh, it's just such a going home song. It makes me smile. Did she even think about that when she chose this song? I mean seriously, "here in the dark, in these final hours, I can't make you love me, if you don't." Complete with the choir teacher hand showing me the pitch. Speaking of pitch, that key change was so off-key. I give this a 4/10 and that's being generous. Steven Tyler: "Jimmy was right you have to have gone through a bunch of things to sing it. It's not about singing the words it's about how you say them." Jenny from the Block: "I feel like you knew it had to be emotional and there was too much vibrato. For me for you it wasn't as good." Me: "The for me for you is spreading!" Randy Yo Dawg: "You're not Bonnie Raitt, you're not that kind of singer. It was the wrong choice at the wrong time, there were no moments." Hollie loved the song and she felt it, so the rest of us can go jump off a bridge, apparently. Jenny from the Block is performing tomorrow night. I hope she's wearing clothes. Joshua is singing "It's a Man's Man's Man's World." This will be phenomenal. Wow. Goodness gracious that was incredible. If anyone says otherwise they just simply were not listening. Steven Tyler: "I've never heard anything like that in my life." Jenny from the Block: "We thought we had seen everything you had to give. We hadn't. I have to speak Spanish "pasion", "corazon"." Me: "That's not really difficult to translate, J-Lo. You can't do better than that?" Randy Yo Dawg: "This is a time where you have to forget what everyone else is doing. That was one of the best performances of any singing show, including ours. If anyone needs to know how to connect to a song, watch Joshua Ledet, he's taking everybody to school." The judges say they went to church. Ryan wants to know where Joshua's transformation comes from. Instead of taking the opportunity to say, "God" he says he doesn't know. That's disappointing. Bebica is singing Jennifer Holliday's "I'm Telling You." Bebica says she's singing it because she got saved. Not "got saved" like found Jesus, "got saved" like did not get eliminated. Jimmy says this could be the performance that wins it for her. This really is phenomenal. She is SUCH a better singer than Hollie. Steven Tyler: "Another winning performance. That's what we were talking about, getting out of yourself. That's what you just did. Congratulations." Jenny from the Block: "I don't know who's going to win. There's nothing to say. So I'll keep talking." Me: "That is such a pet peeve." Randy Yo Dawg: "I don't know what's going on tonight but you, Joshua, and Phillip are now in it to win it. I'm finally saying it. Julian Lennon is in the house." Me: "Wow. That's John Lennon's kid. Weird." Results: The contestants sang "California Dreamin'." It was as awkward as it sounds. Ford Commercial. No one cares. Why isn't Phillip ever in the commercials? Jimmy says Phillip Phillips found his true identity. Jimmy says he would sign Phillip if he had seen him at a club randomly. Ryan is tricking everyone and not actually giving results. Jimmy says Hollie's annoying habits worked in "Faithfully" but "I Can't Make You Love Me" was terrible. Jimmy said she did not understand the song and she crashed and burned. David Cook is performing. He's great. Jimmy says Joshua did too much to "You Raise Me Up" and it let him down. I disagree. But I sort of see what he's saying. Jimmy says Joshua created a piece of magic that is very rarely seen on American Idol. And Jimmy wants to see it repeatedly. Jimmy says Bebica did a great job but impersonating an old jazz singer was not a good idea. He also said what I said about doing the same thing over and over. Jimmy says her second song was flawless because she brought everything in the correct proportions. Jimmy also says he has no idea who will win. Jenny from the Block performed. She wore clothes. It was whatever. The judges all said random things about the contestants. Bebica is safe. Joshua is safe. Hollie and Phillip. Phillip is not necessarily the bottom 2. Interesting. Phillip is safe. Hollie is finally gone. VINDICATION!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Hollie Cavanagh Has Singlehandedly Ruined American Idol

Jenny from the Block and Steven Tyler tried to match tonight. That's cute. Joshua is up first. Jimmy says Joshua's first performance was great and his second performance was the best performance on American Idol. Joshua wants to make a record of music that touches people. Matt is doing lights instead of Kieran, it's freaking me out. Joshua is safe. Duh. Ford Music Video. Don't care. Phillip was not in the commercial. That's weird. Coldplay! It's Paul's favorite band! I also enjoy them immensely. Hollie and Phillip are up. Jimmy says Hollie needed a game-changer. He also says her first song was believable and she didn't try to replicate Tina Turner. I have a feeling he may have hated Bebica's first song...He says she was neutral on her second song and he thinks she will be safe this week. Thereby singlehandedly ruining this season. Jimmy says Phillip should be commended because he is really sick. He also says he thinks Phillip did bland songs and he is coasting at this point. Jimmy also wisely says, "In order to win, you have to be willing to fail." He thinks Phillip should go home. Jimmy is killing me. Hollie is in the bottom two. At least there is some justice. Carrie Underwood (otherwise known as one of three actually talented Idol winners)is performing. She's awesome. Anyway, Skylar and Bebica are up. Jimmy says Skylar is a fighter. He thinks she did well in the first song. He also thinks her second performance was strange. But HE DOES NOT THINK SHE SHOULD GO HOME THIS WEEK. Jimmy thinks she needs to pick better songs. Jimmy says Bebica singing "You are so Beautiful" was magnificent. He also thinks that her first song was too mature, too racy and it hurt her. Jimmy also thinks that Bebica's dress was not appropriate for her. Ryan thinks Jennifer Lopez will be able to speak to that. Yes, because Jennifer Lopez is the go to person for all things involving appropriate attire for females. She's never worn scandalous clothing in public. Jennifer Lopez says that middle America is frumpy and doesn't know what's stylish. That's basically what she said. No lie. Paul is just continuously singing "toottoottoot, toottoottoot" and claiming that "Proud Mary" should not have been allowed since Tina Turner did not perform it in the 60's. Bebica is safe. Skylar is in the bottom 2. Further indicating that Hollie Cavanagh has singlehandedly destroyed American Idol. Coldplay gets to play again. Hooray. Final Results. Hollie is safe. Skylar is going home. Which is stupid and completely not the right result. Seriously. I mean, I'll admit that Hollie was good last night. But if you look back at ALL of the performances, Skylar is 1000x the performer of Bebica and Hollie combined. It's fine. She'll be fine. Hollie will be gone next week. Mark my words. Oh, and she will have mediocre success at best. Skylar on the other hand will probably have a bigger career than the last three Idol WINNERS combined. America got this one 1,000% wrong. Oh, and also, Skylar has gunpowder and lead people, ya'll better watch yo' backs! Kidding.

British American Idol

This week the contestants will sing British songs. Why, you may ask? Because American musicians for the most part are terrible. Seriously though, the best part about this week is that there can be no Lady Gaga or Katy Perry songs. The worst part is that Adele is from Britain. Blast! as the Brits would say. I can't believe there are only 5 kidlets left. Oh, the contestants are also going to sing 60's music. That'll be wonderful. Steven Van Zant (guitarist for Bruce Springsteen and the E Street band) is the mentor. He was also in "The Sopranos." He seems scary. Hollie is first. She's singing "River Deep, Mountain High" for her 60's song. Steven Van Zant (affectionately called Stevey Z) says not to try to please people. I do not hate this in the least. But that could just be because I'm diggin' the horn section on this song. I'll tell you what I DO hate is Hollie's choice in earrings. Those are terrible. But that performance was not terrible. It wasn't my favorite thing in the world, and I'm not ready to go all crazy and say she is the "best vocalist," but it was good. Steven Tyler: "It was the first time I've ever heard you use your blues. I knew you had it in you, thank You Lord." Jenny from the Block: "It was nice to see you surrounded by a bigger production, you bit the second verse, it was a different type of Hollie, I could feel you." Randy Yo Dawg: "You guys both loved it, right? I loved it too! You gotta do it like there's nobody watchin'." Hollie is settling in. Better late than never I suppose. Phillip is singing "The Letter" by The Boxtops. Stevey Z tells Phillip to keep being different and tells Jimmy to leave him alone because "he's good and this isn't a Miss America pageant." I love this. I know a lot of people aren't going to enjoy it. But I would urge those people to think outside the box (like Taco Bell) and see originality as something to be appreciated instead of something to think is "weird" or "strange." Randy Yo Dawg: "Bunch of discussion, Box Tops, you made it new for me in your own way and I loved it." He actually said a lot more than just that but it was rambly and convoluted. Jenny from the Block: "I don't know the original song, so I don't know what I'm talking about. You're a dynamic performer." Steven Tyler: "Good news, bad news. Bad news: I miss the melody. Good news: You get away with it. Like the Stones. You wave your freak flag." Randy Yo Dawg: "At least he strives to be original." Me: "Word!" Phillip Phillips has a girlfriend. Which Ryan Seacrest is pleased about. Skylar was going to sing "Knock on Wood" and Stevey Z said nope. She's doing CCR "Fortunate Son." Paul is excited. That was decent. Paul is shrugging. I'm worried about her. Jenny from the Block: "How you feelin'? I think they have to hold you back backstage. You make the crowd go crazy. It's natural for you." Steven Tyler: "You love music and music loves you. I like when you boot scoot. It was fabulous, even your dress. I love it. I love it." Randy Yo Dawg: "One of the greatest bands in the history of music, Creedence Clearwater, Fogerty and the boys, amazing, I mean, amazing. You were so comfortable, so in your element. You like to do this the best, don't you?" Skylar: "Yes sir." Randy Yo Dawg: "You should call me sir, Ryan." Ryan Seacrest: "I didn't realize you were 90." I'm very excited for the new MIB movie. Joshua and Philip are going to do a duet. They are singing "You've Lost that Lovin' Feeling." Is this weird to anyone but me? Are they singing to each other? Are they singing to the world as a whole? I will say, the bridge was amazing. Bebica is singing "Proud Mary." Why do I always feel like I'm watching karaoke when she sings? I feel like she has been in a lot of karaoke bars. Paul hates people who impersonate Tina Turner. And he hates the Tina Turner version of a CCR song. So he really loved that performance. Jenny from the Block: "You're so grown up there. I thought we would be missing the Janis Joplin-y because Elise was gone. You were a little bit of Tina, a little bit of Beyonce. I forget that you're 16." Steven Tyler: "You started off slow and you brought it up, it was great. I heard the blues. Ike and Tina Turner!" Randy Yo Dawg: "Ike and Tina Turner, Ike and Tina Turner. This performance was oooookaaaay for me, you took on the biggest dragon of the night. The thing that pulled it out for me was your voice. Tina Turner sweated the stage." Jenny from the Block: "You can't compare a 16 year old to Tina Turner." Me: "Then perhaps she should not have done the Tina Turner version of that song." Also of note? Tina Turner didn't perform that song in the 60's. CCR did. Joshua is next and he is singing "Ain't Too Proud to Beg." Perfect. The background singers are getting their workout this evening. Paul is trying to emulate them. And I am dying laughing. This is, as expected, a fantastic performance. Steven Tyler: "You gotta be one of the top two idols of all time. It was hard to concentrate with background singers that pretty. You're such a talent." Me: "Who is the other one?" Jenny from the Block: "You're like a throwback from another era. You're sick. I don't know what to say to you." Randy Yo Dawg: " There was a guy from England named Terrence Trent Darby, you could bring R&B back, because it's been missing from our musical landscape for a minute." Me: "It has?" Ryan wants to know what kind of flower that is that Joshua is wearing. He says he thinks it's a tulip. Ryan is an idiot. Randy says Hollie, Skylar and Joshua have won round 1. Jenny from the Block says Joshua and Skylar. Steven Tyler says Joshua, Skylar....and Hollie. Randy and Steven Tyler are on drugs. I say Joshua won round 1 by a mile. And now we will be crossing the pond. OMGravy! Carrie Underwood AND Coldplay will be on tomorrow night's show. That's fantastic. The only way it would be more fantastic would be if Bebica or Hollie got voted off. Hollie is going to sing "Bleeding Love." I knew somebody would sing Leona Lewis. This song is great. It always reminds me of an amazing SYTYCD routine. That was actually really good. I wish that she had gone up to the high notes like the original, but it was really good. She has started to redeem herself. I would prefer Bebica to go home over her. Steven Tyler: "I loved it. You nailed it, and I don't know that song." Jenny from the Block: "Stevey Z gave you good advice to sing to one person. It was intimate and you surprised yourself." Randy Yo Dawg: " Uh, Steven, let me give you the history of this song with what I like to call NameDrop 101: This was a big song written by Ryan Tenor from One Republic, huge hit for Leona Lewis, she came from another talent show by our lovely friend Mr. Simon Cowell. I was taken back to last season when she didn't make it. You've been the dark horse and you're peaking at the right time." I personally think she may be too late. But regardless, it was a really good performance. Phillip is singing "Time of the Season." That was fine. I prefer when he thinks outside the box, but this was probably a safe move on his part. I ate a snack while the judges talked, so I don't know exactly what they said. They liked it though. The girlies did a trio of "Your Love Keeps Lifting Me Higher." It was strange. Skylar is singing "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" by Dusty Springfield. Huh. That had the potential for greatness but it was a little underwhelming for me for you. Randy Yo Dawg: "You are definitely peaking at the right time. Every time you get up, I believe you." Jenny from the Block: "You wanna win don't you? You just might. You know how to make it work." Steven Tyler: "Just more proof that it works when you work it. That was right that she was over here in the first British Invasion she was the first girl over here along with the Beatles, the Stones, the Animals, the Kinks." Me: "The namedropping is spreading!!! It's an epidemic!" Bebica is singing "You are so Beautiful" by Joe Cocker. Wow that was an incredible performance. And wow, her makeup is caked on. Steven Tyler: "You once again showed America just how beautiful your voice is. You're gonna be number 1, girl." Jenny from the Block: "How could we have let this girl go home? It reminded me of when you sang "I Will Always Love You." You captivated us." Randy Yo Dawg: "Round 1 I was sayin' whateverwhateverwhatever. Round 2? You're in the top of the leader board. Those that want to be singers and people that don't know, wanna know or do know (so everyone), the way you hold a straight note and then bring the vibrato at the end and it's so even. So good, so good, so good." Me: "So, you liked it Randy Yo Dawg?" Joshua is singing "To Love Somebody" by the BeeGees. This is an amazing performance again. The judges are up. That was seriously great. Randy Yo Dawg: "Wow. Let's give a big shoutout to Robin Gibb who's sick. The fact that you'd never heard it and you did THAT to it? That's what it's really ALL about. Your experience is beyond your age. You're one of the best singers ever on this show. No matter what goes down." Jenny from the Block: "There's so few people who can perform that way, that can bring so much passion and still have the voice. I think you're one of the greatest singers in....50's crazy, baby. Crazy!" Steven Tyler: "I can't say much more than they've already said. But I'll ramble on and on. And on." So there you have it. It gets difficult at this stage to figure out who the bottom three will be because there are usually a lot of good people. But my predictions based on tonight and past experience would be that...... Hollie will be in the bottom three. Phillip will be safe. Skylar will be in the bottom three. Bebica will be in the bottom three. Joshua will be safe. Going home: Hollie. I just don't think she saved herself fast enough.