First up, a screamer. He screams so loud that babies cry and buildings fall, or something like that. For a second I thought it was Adam Lambert.
Ryan wants to know who will be the next Carrie Underwood. And he doesn't think it will be the first contestant.
Christine McCaffrey is the first contestant. She has a really put on squeaky speaking voice and walks in making vomiting noises and squealing. Randy Yo Dawg asks if she does voice overs for cartoons. She's not sure. Jenny from the block tells her she should and asks what she's going to sing. "Lee Womack, I Hope You Can Dance." Uh, Christine? You're looking for Leann Womack, I Hope You Dance. There's no skill involved. Jenny from the block says it's her favorite song and then proceeds to hold on to Randy Yo Dawg and Steven Tyler for support. She singing straight through her nose. It's like her mouth isn't even opening. Randy Yo Dawg just keeps saying "Really? Really? Really?" She insists that she is good for AI because she has the ability to write lyrics and sing them. Anyone can do that. But not everyone can do it WELL. Steven Tyler says "No." Just plain and simple. N-O. Jenny from the block says "No, sweetheart." Randy Yo Dawg insists that she's not serious and tells her no in a rather mean fashion. Here's where it gets kinda Hitchcock-y scary. Ryan: "Your mother would like to hear the good news." Christine: "Oh. Well, I did my best." Overly supportive mother: "Oh, I'm so glad." Christine: "I got 1 yes and 2 no's." Ryan: "You did?" Christine (with just a smidge of psychopath in her eyes): "I did." Ryan: "Who told you yes?" Christine (little bit larger of a smidge): "Steven Tyler said I had a nice voice and would be good for American Idol." Ryan: "He did?" *flashback of Steven Tyler saying, "It's gonna be a no." and Christine saying "Awesome." So there's a little bit of disconnect happening there.
Speaking of disconnect. There is an ex-boyfriend and girlfriend auditioning together. They live together. It's not good. Jenny from the block tells them she's a hopeless romantic. Even though she's been married 920 times. Yep, really into romance. Just not really the whole commitment part. Oh, this is awkward. The new boyfriend is waiting for the ex-girlfriend. They're singing a duet and it's....incredible. Rob sings alone, I enjoy the tone. Chelsee sings alone, her voice is great too. They're both in. I like Rob more than Chelsee. Jenny from the block insists they'll get back together. The new boyfriend is WAY creepy looking and seems to be less than enthusiastic about Chelsee travelling to CA with Rob.
Steven Tyler is having a conniption.
A motorcycle gang has taken over the audition room. Bo Bice (Allen Lewis) gained about 50 lbs and has become a tattoo artist. He's been told his whole life that he can sing. So we know this will be terrible. In the audition room he says people have always said American Idol is for pop and he doesn't have anything against it. Direct quote: "Everybody's got their own flavor of ice cream, mine's vanilla I guess and your (Randy's) may be chocolate." That did a whole lotta good for the public image of the people of Tennessee. He starts singing and begins to squat like he has severe constipation. Jenny from the block looks like "Oh, no he didn't." He's terrible. Randy Yo Dawg stops him and tells him he's more of a band guy. He says that may be their opinion and that's ok and a bunch of other philosophical stuff which makes me think he may be high. So he leaves.
Miss Teen USA is auditioning. So she's in. She wants to know how far she can make it on her talent. Ok, I'm done laughing. Her voice is ok I suppose. It's teeny and squeaky and dumb. Steven Tyler says yes. No joke. Jenny from the block says no. Because she still possesses blood in her brain, allowing her to still make good judgment calls. Randy Yo Dawg is left with the decision and AI, trying to be suspenseful, cuts to her coming out of the audition room. BTW, her name is Stormy.
With a golden ticket. So lame. Paul just said, "She's gonna be just like that one girl that sold her horse." I think her name was Kristy. But she was awful. She gave the worst performance in Idol history when she sang "8 Days a Week." It was srsly awful.
Montage of no.
Adrianne Beasley is African American and was adopted by white parents, whom I looooooooooooooooooooooove. She's singing "American Honey." I have waves of chills happening. I love her. I love her as much as I love Chris Medina. And so help me if the 15 year olds they keep putting through ruin everything. The judges love her. I love her. America will love her. I love her parents. It's a fantastic representation of Christian people who are actually living like Christians. Love.
Kameela Merricks is singing "Sweet Thing" by Chaka Kahn. Is that how you spell it? In her package she said she had a huge voice and I was expecting it to be good. In the words of Axle on this show , "I had the lowest of expectations, and I am STILL disappointed." It's Turrible. She's screaming. Jenny from the block is less than amused. The judges all say no. Steven Tyler says to practice. Randy Yo Dawg tells her to just not sing. Steven Tyler tells Randy Yo Dawg not to tell people they're not good. Apparently no one gave Steven Tyler the job description for this gig.
A Human Being from Greendale is auditioning.
And now a montage of bad.
Randy Yo Dawg keeps asking people if they're joking. No Dawg. They're not joking. Travis Counts is crying really awkwardly.
Jackie Wilson is nervous and jittery. I love her voice. So do the judges. I enjoy her. They clapped. She's good. Probably the lamest recap ever.
*squeak* The person I thought was her Dad, turns out to be her boyfriend. It was a shock to Ryan too.
Latoya Morris is either auditioning for American Idol or trying out for America's Next Top Model. She is singing/shouting/dancing ghetto. Terrible tone. They tell her no, and her number falls off. It's a sign. Ryan seems to be learning to be funny. Latoya: "I think they would have liked it better if I'd taken it a little slower for them." Ryan: "No, I think they were fine with the pace." Awesome.
Paul McDonald , Jimmie Allen, Danny Pate are all good. And they're all in. Danny Pate says "Thank you, Selena" when Jenny from the block gives him a yes. I'm unclear as to whether he seriously thinks she is Selena or is just being funny.
Matt Dillard is wearing overalls, which just should not be done. His family has fostered children for 23 years. They foster special needs kids, which makes my heart melt into a giant puddle of soup. They have fostered 700 children in 23 years. Awesome. He sings "You Raise Me Up." It's awesome. I literally did not breathe during that performance. I hope someone takes him clothes shopping before Hollywood.
Lauren is from Georgia and has fun hair. She's 15. So I hate her. Her cousin Holly is like her sister. Holly had a brain tumor and Lauren did a fundraiser for Holly's therapy. She's singing a song I've never heard. She's the only 15 year old I don't hate. She's fantastic. The judges love her. She's crying. Jenny from the block is crying. Steven Tyler wants to cry. She brings her family in and sings "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" with assistance from Steven Tyler. Steven Tyler is claiming Lauren Alaina will be the American Idol winner. I think I agree.