Saturday, January 29, 2011

It's over.

American Idol is in Nashville, home of the legendary Grand Ole Opry.

First up, a screamer. He screams so loud that babies cry and buildings fall, or something like that. For a second I thought it was Adam Lambert.

Ryan wants to know who will be the next Carrie Underwood. And he doesn't think it will be the first contestant.

Christine McCaffrey is the first contestant. She has a really put on squeaky speaking voice and walks in making vomiting noises and squealing. Randy Yo Dawg asks if she does voice overs for cartoons. She's not sure. Jenny from the block tells her she should and asks what she's going to sing. "Lee Womack, I Hope You Can Dance." Uh, Christine? You're looking for Leann Womack, I Hope You Dance. There's no skill involved. Jenny from the block says it's her favorite song and then proceeds to hold on to Randy Yo Dawg and Steven Tyler for support. She singing straight through her nose. It's like her mouth isn't even opening. Randy Yo Dawg just keeps saying "Really? Really? Really?" She insists that she is good for AI because she has the ability to write lyrics and sing them. Anyone can do that. But not everyone can do it WELL. Steven Tyler says "No." Just plain and simple. N-O. Jenny from the block says "No, sweetheart." Randy Yo Dawg insists that she's not serious and tells her no in a rather mean fashion. Here's where it gets kinda Hitchcock-y scary. Ryan: "Your mother would like to hear the good news." Christine: "Oh. Well, I did my best." Overly supportive mother: "Oh, I'm so glad." Christine: "I got 1 yes and 2 no's." Ryan: "You did?" Christine (with just a smidge of psychopath in her eyes): "I did." Ryan: "Who told you yes?" Christine (little bit larger of a smidge): "Steven Tyler said I had a nice voice and would be good for American Idol." Ryan: "He did?" *flashback of Steven Tyler saying, "It's gonna be a no." and Christine saying "Awesome." So there's a little bit of disconnect happening there.

Speaking of disconnect. There is an ex-boyfriend and girlfriend auditioning together. They live together. It's not good. Jenny from the block tells them she's a hopeless romantic. Even though she's been married 920 times. Yep, really into romance. Just not really the whole commitment part. Oh, this is awkward. The new boyfriend is waiting for the ex-girlfriend. They're singing a duet and it's....incredible. Rob sings alone, I enjoy the tone. Chelsee sings alone, her voice is great too. They're both in. I like Rob more than Chelsee. Jenny from the block insists they'll get back together. The new boyfriend is WAY creepy looking and seems to be less than enthusiastic about Chelsee travelling to CA with Rob.

Steven Tyler is having a conniption.

A motorcycle gang has taken over the audition room. Bo Bice (Allen Lewis) gained about 50 lbs and has become a tattoo artist. He's been told his whole life that he can sing. So we know this will be terrible. In the audition room he says people have always said American Idol is for pop and he doesn't have anything against it. Direct quote: "Everybody's got their own flavor of ice cream, mine's vanilla I guess and your (Randy's) may be chocolate." That did a whole lotta good for the public image of the people of Tennessee. He starts singing and begins to squat like he has severe constipation. Jenny from the block looks like "Oh, no he didn't." He's terrible. Randy Yo Dawg stops him and tells him he's more of a band guy. He says that may be their opinion and that's ok and a bunch of other philosophical stuff which makes me think he may be high. So he leaves.

Miss Teen USA is auditioning. So she's in. She wants to know how far she can make it on her talent. Ok, I'm done laughing. Her voice is ok I suppose. It's teeny and squeaky and dumb. Steven Tyler says yes. No joke. Jenny from the block says no. Because she still possesses blood in her brain, allowing her to still make good judgment calls. Randy Yo Dawg is left with the decision and AI, trying to be suspenseful, cuts to her coming out of the audition room. BTW, her name is Stormy.

With a golden ticket. So lame. Paul just said, "She's gonna be just like that one girl that sold her horse." I think her name was Kristy. But she was awful. She gave the worst performance in Idol history when she sang "8 Days a Week." It was srsly awful.

Montage of no.

Adrianne Beasley is African American and was adopted by white parents, whom I looooooooooooooooooooooove. She's singing "American Honey." I have waves of chills happening. I love her. I love her as much as I love Chris Medina. And so help me if the 15 year olds they keep putting through ruin everything. The judges love her. I love her. America will love her. I love her parents. It's a fantastic representation of Christian people who are actually living like Christians. Love.

Day 2.

Kameela Merricks is singing "Sweet Thing" by Chaka Kahn. Is that how you spell it? In her package she said she had a huge voice and I was expecting it to be good. In the words of Axle on this show , "I had the lowest of expectations, and I am STILL disappointed." It's Turrible. She's screaming. Jenny from the block is less than amused. The judges all say no. Steven Tyler says to practice. Randy Yo Dawg tells her to just not sing. Steven Tyler tells Randy Yo Dawg not to tell people they're not good. Apparently no one gave Steven Tyler the job description for this gig.

A Human Being from Greendale is auditioning.

And now a montage of bad.

Randy Yo Dawg keeps asking people if they're joking. No Dawg. They're not joking. Travis Counts is crying really awkwardly.

Jackie Wilson is nervous and jittery. I love her voice. So do the judges. I enjoy her. They clapped. She's good. Probably the lamest recap ever.

*squeak* The person I thought was her Dad, turns out to be her boyfriend. It was a shock to Ryan too.

Latoya Morris is either auditioning for American Idol or trying out for America's Next Top Model. She is singing/shouting/dancing ghetto. Terrible tone. They tell her no, and her number falls off. It's a sign. Ryan seems to be learning to be funny. Latoya: "I think they would have liked it better if I'd taken it a little slower for them." Ryan: "No, I think they were fine with the pace." Awesome.

Paul McDonald , Jimmie Allen, Danny Pate are all good. And they're all in. Danny Pate says "Thank you, Selena" when Jenny from the block gives him a yes. I'm unclear as to whether he seriously thinks she is Selena or is just being funny.

Matt Dillard is wearing overalls, which just should not be done. His family has fostered children for 23 years. They foster special needs kids, which makes my heart melt into a giant puddle of soup. They have fostered 700 children in 23 years. Awesome. He sings "You Raise Me Up." It's awesome. I literally did not breathe during that performance. I hope someone takes him clothes shopping before Hollywood.

Lauren is from Georgia and has fun hair. She's 15. So I hate her. Her cousin Holly is like her sister. Holly had a brain tumor and Lauren did a fundraiser for Holly's therapy. She's singing a song I've never heard. She's the only 15 year old I don't hate. She's fantastic. The judges love her. She's crying. Jenny from the block is crying. Steven Tyler wants to cry. She brings her family in and sings "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" with assistance from Steven Tyler. Steven Tyler is claiming Lauren Alaina will be the American Idol winner. I think I agree.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Here we go. Milwaukee, Wisconsin. All I know about Wisconsin is that my brother broadcast there last year, and was confused by their pronunciation of "bag."

Randy and Steven Tyler are singing (?) a song about their jobs while Steven Tyler shakes a rattle. They sound terrible.

Crazy weird American Idol theme song....and we're in Milwaukee. Oh! Danny Gokey is from here. Milwaukee just shot up in "coolness" points. Danny tells us that 2 years ago, he was trying out for American Idol and all his dreams have come true. Except that he didn't win, but whatevs.

Steven Tyler is throwing out some crazy already. Love it.

There are people from everywhere, including Garey, Indiana! Which reminds me of "The Music Man."

Scotty McCreery is from a small town and he plays baseball. I wish AI would stop going to people's hometowns for their audition package. Totally gives away that they make it in. He's excited to bring the golden ticket back to his hometown. He sings country music. Wow. He really does sing country music. He has a very deep voice and a very twangy voice. He's singing "Your Man" by Josh Turner. It feels a little bit contrived, and I'm quite impressed by the register. Smooth voice. He's singing Travis Tritt. Higher key= better. And Steven Tyler with his crazy strikes again. I can't repeat what he said. He's in. Surprise, surprise. I don't know that he'll make it through Hollywood week, but we shall see. Oh, and he's 16. They didn't repeat it 1,000 times or anything.

Joe Rupka is a student at University of Toledo and he's a communications major. So help me if that guy gets a job before this guy. He has this weird posturing thing he does when he says a radio station name. Ryan tells him he could potentially someday play his own song on the radio. *crickets*

He does his radio thing for the judges and they are not impressed. Joe admits he doesn't listen to Ryan Seacrest. Randy tells him he understands. If AI continues in this vein of harassing Ryan all the time, I'm in! Joe is going to sing "The Longest Time" by the one and only Billy Joel. I love me some Billy Joel. I have a feeling I am going to hate me some Joe Rupka doing Billy Joel. I'm correct. How do I describe this? He sort of sounds like Alvin (the chipmunk) in the beginning and then just plummets to completely tone deaf. Steven Tyler is doing the same thing I do when I have to listen to David Archuleta sing and closing his eyes. Sometimes that makes it less painful. Unfortunately, this is not one of those times. So Steven resorts to the next best thing and starts flailing wildly. All of this while Jenny from the block looks around, hoping this is a prank. Oh no, Jenny. We don't mess around here at American Idol. Steven Tyler is now howling like a dog and tells Joe not to quit his day job. Jenny from the block and Randy also tell him he should just DJ instead. At which point he sings a different song. They still say no. And he walks off with his sweet little granny. I assume it's his granny.

Oh awesome. A little child is auditioning. Emma is 15. She's singing "True Colors" by Cindy Lauper. She's a little on the hobo looking side. Cute hobo, but hobo nonetheless. Wow. I enjoy her voice. I like the raspiness, it's like the perfect imperfection. The judges think she has a special quality to her voice. Jenny from the block says no. Steven Tyler says yes. Randy has already said he doesn't know if she's ready. And she's crying. She just lost like 5,000 points. I mean, I want her to go through I think she's good...but not because she begged her way on. Randy caves. Stupid Randy. Stop crying, Emo Emma.

Montage of terrible/argumentative contestants.

Also a stalker who tries to drink Randy's coke. He says no.

Naima Adedapo works at a place called Summerfest. She's very intriguing looking. She wants this so she can provide for her family...unlike every other contestant who has ever auditioned. She is singing Donny Hathaway's "For All we Know." It's a nice voice. I don't enjoy her release at the end of her phrases, the whole "ah" at the end of her's weird. The judges love her. She's in. She's crying.

Oh Mylanta, the commercials are killllllllllling me.

There's some strange thing happening with Jenny from the block and Ryan Seacrest. People are entertaining themselves in the holding room and some idiot does a handspring into a camera man's camera and face.

Auditions are not going well either.

ALTHOUGH....Jovan Raymond is singing "Jenny from the Block" TO Jenny from the Block. It's amazing and nightmare inducing all at the same time.

Chris Kammer is a dentist who wants to be a rapper. He fails.

Jerome Bell is an African American who sings at Bar Mitzvahs. I'm just sayin'. Jerome's mom says she only sings for little people. I'm assuming she means children, because it would just be too much to have one member of a family singing for Jewish adolescents and another member of the same family singing for "little people." Jerome is singing Marvin Gaye, "Let's Get it On." All together now....*CLICHE*

Nice voice, good register. Could do without the dance moves. Tempo was a little strange in the beginning. Also, I hope he does not sing this at Bar Mitzvahs. All three judges love him. He's in.
Oh snap, Jenny from the block has said "remember that name."

For some reason, we are now being subjected to watching Justin Bieber. I really just do not see the appeal. Can anyone explain it to me? Oh, it was because they wanted to explain that the age limit has been lowered to 15. Really, American Idol? Really? You hadn't told me that 1,465, 782 times. Thanks for the heads up. Gawrsh.

Thia Megia (love this name) is 15. She is apparently impatient as she refused to wait for auditions in CA and flew to WI when she found out she was allowed to audition. She's singing "Chasing Pavements" by Adele (whom I love). She changes the melody just enough that it rocks. She's a little loud. And has the potential to be annoying. Steven Tyler rambles and screams and the judges put her through.

And now, while Miss Swift's "Fifteen" plays, we're told that every 15 year old who auditioned, got a golden ticket. Oh awesome. Because American Idol has not already been infiltrated by teenage girls who vote incessantly with their tiny thumbs.

Nathaniel Jones is a Civil War soldier. Seriously. So obviously American Idol is right in line with the Civil War. He does Civil War reenacting. His Dad is Willie Nelson. And I literally just laughed out loud, alone in my house. Direct quote. Nathaniel: "People always ask me, is your dad a HIPPIE? Your Dad looks like a hippie. Is he a hippie? Does he smoke pot? *pause* No. Hippies believe He's not a hippie. He hasn't gone anywhere, with anybody, since my mom left." I now feel a little bad for laughing at him. Only a little. He salutes the judges. He's singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." Is that even the title of that song? I don't know. It's the one Timon and Pumbaa sing in my husband's favorite movie, "The Lion King." Steven Tyler provides some backup vocals. Suffice it to say, Nathaniel Jones is terrible. So terrible, in fact, that Randy pretends to drink Coke to keep from laughing. Steven Tyler is officially high. He says Nathaniel is outstanding. The other two say no, so he's out.

Mason Wilkinson yells at the ceiling and is told no.

Molly is annoying. She just graduated Harvard. She "randomly" applied for an internship at the White House. She got it. And she's platonically in love with this President. Randy punched her in the mouth on accident and she wants to whine about it. See? Annoying. She also has an annoying voice. She starts out all low and attempting to be seductive/sultry. Then she switches it up and goes higher. It's nicer higher, but I still find her annoying. Which of course means, she'll make it through Hollywood week. I do have a question, however. Is she going to quit her job at the White House? She's strange. She has no family. I'm perplexed by her. And annoyed.

Day 2, Wisconsin. Steven Tyler reminds me of Jack Sparrow. Random.

Oh Mylanta again. I love, love, love, love, love, love, Jenny from the blocks shirt. It has a treble clef on it. I need that shirt. Someone must find that for me.

Hayley Reinhardt reminds me entirely too much of Hayley Vaughn. So I hate her. She's singing and she's yelling and she's singing. It's not terrible. I just foresee her becoming the annoying little ditzy girl of the season.

Lebron James is auditioning. Because America isn't mad enough at him already. His new name is Tiwon Strong. And he's amazing. Turns out, Lebron James should quit playing basketball altogether and sing full time. Tiwon's family is celebrating and one of them gets a Charlie Horse which she needs to tell everyone over and over.

Steve Beghun is a CPA, so he has no friends. His words, not mine. He goes into the audition room and pulls the door twice before RyRy says "push it." Steve turns to camera and goes: "That's awkward." It's those little moments that make Idol so golden. I have no idea what song this is. I love it. Steven Tyler tells him that he's disturbingly great. He's in. He's the Taylor Hicks of this season.

Vernika Patterson. She's singing "Loving You." And she takes criticism super well. Oh. This is too good. J-lo (the other name is too long) stops her and tells her the song is beautiful but it's not gonna work. Vernika insists she could sing another song with no problem. Steven Tyler tells her she's just not ready. Vernika insists 1/2 of these people in here can't sing so she's not even upset. And then proceeds to claim that she's not being put through because she's not skinny. Awk. Ward. Randy proceeds to point to OTHER WINNERS AND EXPLAIN THAT THEY WEREN'T ALL SKINNY!!!!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS!!?? So she leaves and refuses to speak to Ryan.

Wow. Angry people.

Albert Rogers III thinks he is Barack Obama. He impersonates him, with the ridiculous pauses and everything. He's singing "Stand by Me." Why aren't they stopping him? Seriously. They finally stop him and he's surprised. Steven Tyler thinks he's vanilla fudge. They all say no.

Scott Dangerfield. He should be a superhero with that name. Steven Tyler is obsessed with lips.
Scott is singing Amos Lee, "Dreamin." Lovely. Strange hand gestures are distracting. J-Lo just said he was her favorite she's seen so far. They all say yes. He's awesome. He's making it.

Oh. Kay. Now. Is this really necessary? The Packers have no place in American Idol. Isn't it enough that we have to put up with them in the Super Bowl? Which, by the way, is just a battle between two terrible teams, in the Biggest Stadium in the World? So anyway, people in WI love the Packers. And Willie Nelson the non-hippie likes the Milwaukee Braves. Yeah, he's not a pot-smoking hippie at all...

Megan Frazier loves the Green Bay Packers. She also is going to sing Justin Bieber, "Baby." It is physically impossible for me to hate any one individual more than I hate her. She's singing it operatically. Why? She is trying to sell her operatic-ness. And I'm pleased to announce that she did not succeed. She's annoying.

Allie wants to bring Rock n Roll to American Idol. No one has ever done that. David Cook, no. Alison Iraheta, no. Adam Lambert in his own special way, no. Nope. Rock and roll has never been done on American Idol. She loves Steven Tyler. Steven Tyler thinks she could be one of his "friends." She's singing "Come Together", Beatles. Ok. I sit corrected. She's decent. She's singing "Dream On" in front of Steven Tyler. Steven Tyler tells her she's pitchy. Randy says no. J-Lo says yes. Steven Tyler is the decider. She's in. She's going to do well.

Chris Medina is next. Oh goodness. He and his fiance have been engaged for 2 years. They had decided they would get married 2 years after he proposed. But she was in a terrible accident and had a traumatic brain injury. She was in a coma and the doctors said she would not wake up. She did, but she has a significant amount of trouble with everyday functioning. He said 2 months prior to the accident he was writing vows about "through thick and thin, in sickness and in health" and what kind of guy would he be if he walked away now. He wants to do this so that she has something to be happy about. She's waiting for him outside. Oh, wow. Such a sad story. He's singing "Break Even" by the Script. I. LOVE. THIS. He's amazing. Can we please end the competition right now? Because that guy DESERVES to win. The judges ask to meet Julie and he bring her in. They shake her hand and Steven Tyler tells her Chris sings so well because he sings for her. He's in. I would vote for him now if I could.

Tomorrow night: Nashville.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

American Idol Auditions: NOLA

Welcome to New Orleans. Home of the Saints and Mardi Gras. And gumbo. Oh! And Adam Sandler's character from "The Waterboy!" That's it, right? In all honesty, I would like to visit there someday.

We start out with a young man screaming the lyrics to "Smile" and the television captioning tells me he did not make it to Hollywood. Shocking.

Ryan is trying to speak Creole. When that doesn't work, he just morphs into speaking Spanish, which should be a prerequisite for anyone who lives in SoCal.

The judges are all set and ready to go except for Steven Tyler who is constantly falling out of his chair. Jenny from the block claims that it's because "they" always give him the bad chair. Aww, that's sweet Jenny, you just stay in denial about Steven Tyler's drug problem.

I would like to take this opportunity to state, that for some unknown reason I am unable to refer to Steven Tyler as anything other than Steven Tyler. "Steven" just doesn't work. And "Mr. Tyler" connotes maturity. So, until I come up with a punchy name for him, Steven Tyler it shall remain. Also, I refuse to refer to Jenny from the block as anything other than Jenny from the block. I may call her J-Lo, but we'll have to wait and see.

Jordan Dorsey teaches piano and voice. Those piano teachers are mean, from what I hear...his little student is A.DOR.A.BLE. Ohhhh....Jordan's Mom just burrrrned Ryan Seacrest for being short. Love.

Jordan is going to sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." Somebody kill me immediately.


That was amazing. His voice is silky smooth and he changed that song so I don't hate it as much as I normally do. Jenny from the block stops him because she has goosebumps all over her body. Uh. TMI. The judges don't even comment they just count to 3 and simultaneously say yes.

Are we really going to have a commercial after each contestant? 'Cause that's just not gonna work for me, yo dawg.

Montage of terrible auditions.

Sarah Sellers. Steven Tyler wants to know where she got her lips. He's worried that they are bigger than his. Randy insinuates something not so nice about Sarah's family tree. She's singing "Make You Feel My Love." She has a surprisingly nice voice. Steven Tyler says she won him from the moment she laid eyes on him. Alrighty, then. All the judges say yes. And Sarah is in.

Jovany Barretto builds boats and has a supportive family. He's also all ferklempt over Jenny from the block. Oh wait, no, he's all ferklempt over Marc Anthony...He's singing in Spanish. Get him outta here. They all say yes. And now Jovany, Steven Tyler, and the Dawg are flashing Jenny from the block. And they didn't get any rude.

Fun facts about Louisiana. Don't care.

Randy's football coach's niece is auditioning. They're schmoozing. Shut up and sing!

Jacquelyn Dupree (coach's niece)..."I'll Stand by You", lots of power in her voice. But I don't love the tone. Kind of nasally. But she looks like a model so she's through. Sigh.

Brett Loewenstern has crazy girl hair. He's an outcast and has no friends. :( His parents do not look anything like him. That's weird. He has come to the realization that he should be happy with himself, his phrase is "I've got this." Sounds oddly like "Yes we can!" He's really crazy. He's singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" Jenny from the block and Steven Tyler are having a moment. At this point, I need to ask if I have no soul. Because the judges are about to wet themselves over this guy's voice and I think it was flat and rather annoying. I MISS SIMON. He's through.

Mick Jagger is auditioning for American Idol? Well, he will if he can manage to put his nametag on. Randy thinks he looks like Steven Tyler. Steven Tyler thinks he has Mick's mouth, which he knows well. I don't know whether to be more appalled that I think like Steven Tyler, or that Steven Tyler has examined Mick Jagger's mouth. Mick Jagger is going to sing "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga. You know the one that has a bunch of nonsense syllables and is a major hit? Oy. By the way, Mick Jagger's name is Gabriel Franks. And he's being possessed by something gross while he sings. They all say no.

Speaking of possession...montage of horrible auditions.

Alex Attardo just singlehandedly murdered CCR's "Proud Mary" by changing keys 100 times. And he went to Idol Camp. I'm going to go with, DON'T SEND PEOPLE TO IDOL CAMP. Randy even says maybe they should cancel the camp. Finally, Randy is being mean! :)

Jacee Badeau is 15 and is a sweet.heart. He's singing "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay." And he sings like an angel. Eat your heart out, Justin Bieber. I love this kid. I love this kid a lot. The judges love him. Send him through.

Paris Tassin has a sweet little baby girl who had hydrocephalus and has hearing loss. She is singing "Temporary Home." This song makes me cry normally. And this is no exception. Jenny from the block cried too. She's through. She's gonna rock.

Next week, Milwaukee.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

And away we go...

Ok, right off the bat, what happened to the American Idol theme song? Now, instead of it being the regular old creeptastic mannequin looking dude walking out after apparently becoming a conglomerate of all the previous Idols, we have a fancy schmancy, trying too hard, still creeptastic mannequin looking David Cook walking out of what appears to be an obelisk.

AI felt the need to remind us of all the hullabaloo that happened when we didn't know who would judge the show. They also felt the need to remind us that Steven Tyler is a crazy man who would have really enjoyed Adam Lambert, Jennifer Lopez is from the block, and Randy is the hot dawg.

Already I feel that this season of American Idol will be full of cheese. And not the deliciously gooey delightful cheddar-y type. I mean really, what's with the PSA "Today I will...." deals.

Audition Site 1: New Jersey (home of something called a Snooki)

First up: Rachel the opera singer from Season 6. Oddly, I remember her. Although, evidently she has changed her appearance/attitude. She is very excited by Jennifer Lopez, who is really good at asking the questions producers tell her to say. Take that back, she swallowed an entirely different singer. Because she sounds absolutely nothing like she did previously. Not sure I love it. Jenny from the block says she could have done better. Rachel: "I sang in front of famous judges before, but never anyone that I've looked up to since I was like 4 years old." I'm pretty sure she just made Jenny from the block feel like an old woman. Randy is offended and needs some water. Steven Tyler tells her she should just talk. I think. I'm not really sure what he said. He also thinks if he pours water on her, she'll grow. Randy takes the vote....and she's through.

Caleb Hawley: He's singing a bluesy song that I've never heard before. Steven Tyler has not only heard it, he's evidently played drums on it. I'm convinced that Steven Tyler is constantly high. He enjoyed it. So much so that he screamed like Adam Lambert (whom I hate). They all loved him. So did I. He's in.

Uh-oh. The first 15 year old. Kenzie Palmer: She likes musical theater. She's singing country music. She thinks the word "beautiful" is pronounced "beautiFOAL." Interesting tone. Steven Tyler does not feel the pizazz. Jenny from the block liked it, Dawg said her voice was good. For 15. And somehow he convinced Steven Tyler to change his mind.

I think they're putting everyone through. Please tell me Simon is coming back....

Achille Lovle: She's singing "Dress You Up" by Madonna. But she says Madoughna. Oh my hey. She's yelling at me, and I feel like she's performing a voodoo curse on me. Steven Tyler tells her she has attitude but no notes. That's putting it mildly. Achille says her vocal coach is trying to help her with her accent. Jenny from the block: "How do I say this?" Randy: "Don't." Jenny from the block: "'s not your accent. I think it's more really just about the singing." Randy tells her it's just not her thing. They all said no. Wow, Jenny from the block is taking this whole crushing people's hopes and dreams thing really hard.

Ryan comes in to check on them and Jenny from the block tells him she doesn't like saying no. So THAT'S why she's been married so many times....too harsh?

Sidebar: There is definitely someone washing the windows behind them as they discuss how painful their jobs are.

Oh awesome. I've always wanted to be a New Jersey native. Or not. Snooki's twin just showed me how to get Jersey hair. I'll be sure to get on that. Or not.

Tiffany Rios is a fan of Jenny from the block because of her "back area." No kidding. She started singing because of Selena. Jenny/Selena is now hugging Tiffany/Snooki. And now Sniffany will sing an original that she made up for American Idol. I don't think this has ever gone well for anyone who has ever tried to do that. She's singing to BeeBee apparently. Can I just say, I love that Steven Tyler subconsciously opens his mouth really wide whenever anyone else tries to sing a ridiculously high note? So she sings her original. It's terrible, mostly because of the fact that 3 words in she busts open her jacket to reveal her....bust....with giant silver stars on them. The judges are perplexed and somehow Snooki starts singing again. This time she closes her jacket. She's singing a song that I recognize but I can't remember the name of it. The chorus is "cause I'm your laaaaaaadyyyyyyy...." Here's the deal. I don't hate her voice. But as my ever so eloquent husband put it, "She's just annoying. I can't stand looking at her." Well said, dear husband, well said. I don't understand all the crazy emoting. Steven Tyler told her she could sing her tush off. Jenny/Selena told her she has a great voice and they want to see more of that and less of the other non-essentials. Randy Dawg is rendered speechless.

Montage of terrible auditions. Which allows me to ask this question. What is happening with the new eyeshadow thing where the color is only on like, half the eyelid? Did they run out of eyeshadow? Did they just give up? I mean what's happening?

Back to AI. Jenny from the block is really having trouble saying "No." Steven Tyler has figured it out, although I must say they let people down way too easy. I haven't heard one, "That was dreadful" or "You should fire your vocal coach." When does the X Factor start?

Robbie Rosen. He couldn't walk for a while. There are no videos or photos to prove that. Interesting. So anyway, he's here now. He's been singing forever. And here we go. He's singing "Yesterday" by the Beatles. Lots of emotions= lots of hand flailing. Nice voice. I have a feeling he could be this season's Sanjaya. You know, the one with the nice voice at first and the crazy hair and then suddenly he was staying week after week after week? Yeah, that one. He's in.

Apparently people are in love with Steven Tyler. Frankly, I think he looks remarkably like his Guitar Hero character. Fake and with abnormally large lips.

Tom Sawyer is auditioning now. He's an Eagle Scout. His real name is Chris Cordiero. And he's a huge nerd who believes in not texting while driving. I believe in that as well. He's singing "My Way" by Frank Sinatra. Oh man...I was really hoping he would surprise me and be fantastic. He did not. The award for best line of the night goes to the Dawg himself. Tom Sawyer: "And nooow (snap) the end is near (snap).... Dawg: "Yes it is..."Bless those judges they are trying really hard not to laugh at him. His family member is singing "My Way" to Ryan's chest. Which is impressive because Ryan's so tiny, yet she doesn't have to kneel down or anything. Tom Sawyer cannot take Steven Tyler's hints and has to be told in no uncertain terms that he's done for. Poor little Tom.

Commercial break.

And we're back. Judges are getting better at saying no.

Michael Perotto burps when he's nervous. This should be fun. Singing Proud Mary. He's also dancing. Jenny from the block and Steven Tyler are having their own little dance off. Steven Tyler asked if he ate paint chips as a child. Michael ignores him and wants to know if it was all over the place. Lil bit. Steven Tyler tells him that "American Idol is looking for a higher standard." They are? When did that happen? I was unaware of this new development. Michael insists that he can give them a higher standard. Right now. And he means it. He sings a song about having good posture and making eye contact and the judges still tell him it's terrible. Steven Tyler says, "What we have here is a failure to communicate." Michael insists that if he was terrible, people would tell him. I say no.

Ashley thinks she could be the first awkward Idol. She loves Britney Spears and wants her career to be just like Brit-Brit's. She's singing a song from "Thoroughly Modern Millie." She does not suck. In fact, I enjoy this 100% more than I ever possibly anticipated. The judges are perplexed and want her to be on Broadway. Ashley thinks pop and Liza Minelli should mate. Ashley Sullivan is now rapping and begging. She is a hot mess but I love her. And she's in. Randy thinks Jenny from the block and Steven Tyler are both insane. I have to say I agree. But I'm excited for her to be on the show longer.

Ashley claims she may throw up and wants to thank her Mommy for watching her dogs.

Victoria Huggins has an extremely annoying speaking voice. She sounds a bit like Kellie Pickler and Minnie Mouse combined. Her singing voice is not any less annoying. And she appears to be having a seizure. I'm not trying to be mean, but she was just really erratic. AHHHH!!!!! I finally figured it out. She's Miley Cyrus. But not the real Miley Cyrus. The Miley Cyrus from SNL. There are too many things happening in this audition. Jenny from the block compliments the skirt and Steven Tyler pairs that with, "It shows just enough." Uh...Hey Steven Tyler, she's 16. Calm it down there, buddy. Then, with tears in her eyes, Miley looks at Randy and says "Yo, yo dawg." Ok, even I have to admit that was pretty cute. She also sounds like Prissy from Gone With the Wind. She made it.

Melinda Ademi is from Kosovo. They came to America as war refugees and they love America. We need more people like this in America. Nice voice. A bit copycat. Judges love her. She's in.

How is it that I've never seen the shampoo commercial with Jenny from the block before tonight? Oh, American Idol, your predictability is shameful.

Day 2 in Jersey.

Devyn Rush. She's a singing waitress and I want to go to that restaurant. She's singing God Bless the Child. I love her voice. That scatting?! Ridiculous! Steven Tyler tells her it was delicious. Jenny from the block is surprised. Dawg thinks she should wear something else. Dawg? What? Who cares what she wears? I will say it now. She is making it to the American Idol stage. Like where we all get to vote. And I will vote for her. Steven Tyler wants to take her clothes shopping.

Jimmy Kennedy. Wow. No words. Did love the dropped "ohhhh" at the end.

That was just mean. The judges totally sang over a contestant and then told her no.

Wow there are a lot of commercials.

Yoji Pop is not sure who he is. He has been imitating Michael Jackson since he was in the womb. But he doesn't want to show them. He hates the song "Party in the USA". So naturally, he is going to sing it. He sings it. And then he bursts into Michael Jackson dancing. The dancing is better than the singing. And the dancing is not great. He's very apathetic about the whole thing, really. Jenny from the block loves it. But we all know she has terrible judgment.

Now many people are singing that song. Why? I have no idea. Ryan asks Yoji Pop if he's a Miley Cyrus fan. Yoji Pop: "Not really." Don't introduce him to Prissy Huggins or whatever her name was.

Montage of terrible auditions. Wow, there are some terrible people. Jenny from the block even plugged her ears.

Brielle Von Hugel's Dad had throat cancer and she helped him through it. I'm not sure how. She's singing "Endless Love." She's reminding me of Lily whatever from last season with the flower in her hair. Her voice is just a'ight. She's through to Hollywood.

People crying.

Travis Orlando has a twin. He grew up in the Bronx. And he obviously makes it because AI went to the Bronx. Travis lived in a shelter because his Dad was sick. He's singing "Eleanor Rigby." There are parts that I love and parts that I don't. "I'm Yours" Jason Mraz...MUCH better. He's very awkward and cute, but really good. I like him. Randy says yes. Steven Tyler says he sings beautiful and he's going to Hollywood. His Mom (?) and twin brother are hugging him. So sweet!

I guess it was typical American Idol. The crying. The begging. The terribleness. The crazy judges. We'll see how this pans out.

Tomorrow...New Orleans.

I hereby call this meeting to order...

Tonight begins another season of American Idol. For the last couple of season's I have basically been watching with the sole purpose of reading this blog. The snarkiness, the opinions, and the just general humor of it was enough to make Tuesday and Wednesday evenings exciting. Sadly, it appears that the blogger will not return this season. Something about Princess Buttercup, and not enough Simon Cowell...

So I've decided to try my hand at this. Here's the plan. I will provide my opinions, takes, and feelings regarding all things American Idol. Mind you, these are my opinions. You, dear reader, are entitled to differing opinions. I'll try not to hold it against you.

Additionally, if all goes well and the creek don't rise (aka I have enough spare time) I may expand my "opinionation" to include other areas of my life, be they fictional or non.

All that being said.... my American Idol commentary.