Epic Fail.

Warning: This post is particularly snarky.

I don't even want to watch this, it's so disgusting. America has seriously and for real, dropped the proverbial ball. But anyway, this is American Idol.

Shock and awe at the fact that Jennifer Lopez is not wearing a mirror for a garment this evening. Steven Tyler is looking more and more like Jack Sparrow by the moment. And Randy Yo Dawg is in it to win it with his pencil pouch on his shirt. Ok, people, the signs telling Steven Tyler to "Walk this Way" are definitely getting old.

Ryan says a lot of fans are going to be disappointed with tonight's result. Which obviously means it's not JacobPaul going home, as it should be. Ryan says Steven Tyler is America's Sweetheart. Really? Steven says he may be good, but when he's bad he's even better. Agreed.

Bruno Mars and Crystal Bowersox are on tonight's results show. I'm only mildly excited about either one. Ryan makes the unnecessary crack about the Royal Wedding....and we're learning about Britain. What in the world?

Oh good, a medley of Carole King. JacobPaul ransacked an Army surplus store for that jacket. Which would normally be cool. But it's on JacobPaul, so it's not. Lauren's hair and dress remind me of Betty Boop or Shirley Temple. I forget she's 16 and get annoyed that she dresses like a child. Scotty is singing on the stairs with a harem of the underage teenagers that have ruined American Idol. I love Haley's necklace. I do not love her skirt. She's like a frumpy teacher on the bottom and a cool chic on the top. Weird. Oh, by the way, I nothinged this medley.

Ford Music Video. They drew a house with a marker that looks like it came out of the Jetsons. And then they drove away.

Crystal Bowersox is up. She is skinny! I enjoy this kind of. I definitely enjoy that Organ. Her band is hot, dawg!

ATT told us to ask questions? When was this? Here are my questions for the contestants in no particular order:

Jacob: "Are you actually as arrogant and annoying as you act, or are you just a really good actor?"
Lauren: "Do you know that when you talk you make me not want to vote for you?"
Haley: "Are you aware that you look like you're pooping on stage? If you'd stop doing that so frequently, I probably wouldn't hate you as much. No guarantees, though."
Jacob (he gets two questions): "Do you really think we believe that you sing like that because you can't hear yourself? We don't."
Scotty: "How is your Grandma?" (I can't be mean to him. I just can't.)
Scotty (ok, I lied): "Have you studied George W. Bush extensively to be able to imitate his facial expressions as accurately as you do?"
James: "Do you know who Adam Lambert is? Yeah, he didn't win either."
Casey: "You know you're way better than this show, right?"

Anyway, here are the "real" questions. Someone wants to know who Casey would like to do a duet with, living or dead. Casey says Oscar Peterson. Which no one has any idea who that is. He's a jazz musician. And then Casey rattles off actual musical terms, that no one understands because this isn't a show about music.

Someone wants to know when and how Jacob discovered the range in his voice. It basically boils down to, he was in choir being obnoxious and singing every part.

Someone wants to know what the hardest part of being a finalist is. They asked Lauren. She misses her family and is worried about tornadoes.

Scotty, who is being called "Scotty the body" for some unknown reason. Did he have a job before Idol? He worked at a grocery store and helped at the tanning salon.

Someone asks James if he played with a band before American Idol. Yes, he's always in bands. Many of them. And he's really, really busy and talented and super cool. Didn't you know?

Haley is asked who her all-time favorite past Idol contestant is. She's beating around the bush and finally comes up with....ADAM LAMBERT BECAUSE OF HIS UNIQUENESS. Y'know that previous comment about me not hating her as much if she stopped pooping on stage? I now retract that statement. I will never not dislike her. She also likes Siobhan and Kelly, oh, and Lee and Crystal, since Crystal is here and everything...

Results. Do we have to? Ryan is going to call out the top 6 individually.

Haley first. She should be safe, based on last night. Recap video. On the rewatch, I don't like it as much as last night. Jimmy Iovine thinks Jennifer is right that Haley has one of the best voices in the competition. Well yeah, when you compare it to Scotty and Jacob. So if "one of" means "one of 4" then, sure. He also thinks she doesn't know who she is. Neither do I. Haley apparently just said something worth bleeping. The judges look unimpressed. Ryan wants to know what she thinks about what Jimmy said. Haley: "About me not knowing who I am? Well then...*sigh*...somebody tell me huh? I know who I am. I just have different things going on." Me: "Uhhhhhh.....so you're weighing your options? Yes. Very decisive about who you are as an artist." She's safe. Blerg.

Scotty is up. He should be safe because of last night. It was actually really pleasant. The rewatch confirms. Jimmy Iovine tells us not to tell Scotty to spread his wings because if Johnny Cash were on the show we wouldn't tell him to spread his wings because he'd look at you funny. He also thinks Scotty's subtleties will be lost because this environment is not conducive to subtleties. First of all, Johnny Cash would punch you in the face, or laugh at you, or just ignore you. But he definitely wouldn't look at you funny. Secondly, when did Scotty warrant a comparison to Johnny Cash? And finally, true. American Idol is only conducive to mediocre singers claiming to be musicians, who get by on looks, popularity, and being "cool." *Sigh* Scotty agrees with Jimmy Iovine. Ryan tells Scotty to go back and sit down and he'll tell him the results later.

Lauren is next. On the rewatch, this is still awkward. Jimmy tells us that Lauren needs to hear the positive in a critique, not just the negative. He also thinks Lauren is here for the long run. Lauren thinks Jimmy is right about needing to focus on the positive. Lauren is going to wait on the couch of uncertainty.

Casey is next. He should be safe. But the American public is completely stupid. On the rewatch, this is still fantastic. Incidentally, maybe the sax player is the kiss of death. She played with Paul and he went home. And now, this. Jimmy thinks Casey will go on to be a great singer songwriter. But he was disappointed that Casey growled and the family dog does not vote on the show. I disagree. He's going to go wait too. So based on this, my assumption is that Casey, Scotty, and Lauren are the bottom three.

James is up. On the rewatch, it still irritates me. Jimmy Iovine says that when James sings heavy metal, it's not believable. When he sings songs with melody, it's better. It all comes down to song choice. I'll buy that. I don't have to like it, but I'll buy it. He's safe.

JacobPaul who should be going home but isn't for some unspeakable reason. He also looks like a fat Steve Urkel in the get-up from last night. Jimmy calls him out on the ridiculous get-up saying he thought he went on DWTS, which is right next door. He also says American Idol is not just about the voice, it's about the whole package and that Jacob could be going home. I believe the exact quote is "He's on banana peel status." Love Jimmy Iovine. Jimmy also says the judges have to stop comparing the contestants to themselves in previous weeks and start comparing to each other. He also reminds everyone that there is only one winner of American Idol. I love how when Jimmy says something that's obvious and he's really irritated that he has to even say it he looks away like, "Is anyone even listening to me? I feel like I'm talking to a wall." Ryan calls the 3 unknowns back over so JacobPaul, Casey, Scotty, and Lauren are up for debate. Ryan sends Lauren back, and we now know that JacobPaul, Casey, and Scotty are in the bottom 3.

Bruno Mars is singing in his living room with his buddies. Who said he sounds like Paul? He sounds better than Paul. Granted, I didn't watch the whole performance.

So the bottom three. Ryan makes a point to say that results are in random order. JacobPaul is safe. He is just as shocked as the rest of us. Scotty thinks it's him. Casey seems to know it's him. That's strange. James is totally shocked and makes a crazy face. I'm not making fun of him, I'm just saying. Haley looks less than surprised, which is not the reaction I expected. Randy can't figure it out. Now we're watching Casey dance on a countertop. Ryan says this is what talent looks like. He couldn't be more correct. Ok, now Haley is crying. More appropriate response.

Casey is running around kissing everyone singing "I Put a Spell on You."

To be honest, I have no idea if I can really bring myself to watch anymore. I would like to say that I still think my original prediction of Lauren winning is accurate, but I'm pretty sure America will figure out a way to ruin that too.