Why do I still care??

I didn't even bother watching this episode until tonight. I'm not enthusiastic about it though.

The judges are here. Jenny from the Block looks, classy? For once, she is not wearing a mirror as clothing.

The "Top 5" are standing on stage. Jacob Lusk is dressed sort of appropriately and not like a lunatic. Haley stole the sparkly clothes from Jennifer apparently. Ryan says this is an important night and asks Randy what we are looking for. Randy says we're looking for who is in it to win it. It's really too bad that I don't and can't drink because I really would start a drinking game revolving around that phrase. EVERYONE is in it to win it Randy. No one came on the show just thinking, "Hey, this might be fun to do just as a hobby kinda deal, and I'm really hoping to just be in the top 5." No. Everyone's goal is to win.

Everyone is going to sing twice. One current, one "back in the day", which probably means the 80's or something. Sheryl Crow is the celebrity mentor. We don't need celebrity mentors when we have Jimmy Iovine. Sheryl thinks everyone on the show is amazing. She's wrong. She wants people to not just do the same thing they do every week. Keep that in mind, kids, especially when James sings. Just sayin'.

Speaking of James, he's up first. He's going to sing "Closer to the Edge" by 30 Seconds to Mars. Sheryl sang with him in rehearsal and feels that she can officially retire. Really, Sheryl? Singing with a punk kid who screams more than he actually sings is the culmination of your career? Not the Grammy's you've won, or your successful albums? Interesting... He's wearing a leather jacket that reminds me of this one kid I went to high school with. Except Ian Trout was really cool. James Durbin is really not. Can I just mention the fact that he's under the pitch right now? He really is flat. Which flies in the face of my trusted American Idol council member who insists that he's never off pitch....AND a scream. Also, is there more than one line to this song? So far I've heard him sing "I'm not saying, I'm sorry, one day, maybe we'll meet again." Steven Tyler: "You're ready for Freddy" Me: "Freddy Kreuger, Freddy Flintstone, Freddy Mertz, Freddy Mercury? WHO IS FREDDY?" Jenny from the Block: "You're ready for stadiums. We talked about who's going to grab it, we're feeling it, you've grabbed it, it's yours to take." Randy Yo Dawg: "Probably not everyone understood when you said you were going to sing 30 Seconds to Mars. That was Jared Leto's band (Namedrop: 1)and it's a great rock song." Me: "Jared Leto had a band? I thought he was an actor." Randy Yo Dawg: "I think you fit well there, it shows us where you'll go as an artist." Me: "To a band that is apparently broken up because the "singer" was an "actor?" I'm in."

JacobPaul is up next. I would say they're piling on my least favorite people at the top, but really, I don't have a favorite. JacobPaul feels like he could win this competition because he does something different and new every week. Really? I must have totally missed those weeks because I only ever saw him being a pitchy diva who pretends he can sing. He also thinks he's an underdog. So, that doesn't make any sense at all. He's singing "No Air" by Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown. Oh, cool. He's singing a song about an asthma attack at high altitudes. I swear that's what I think of every time I hear this song. Seriously. "Tell me, how'mI s'posed to breathe wif no air-uh?" You're not. Just go ahead and pass out." Sheryl says it's a hard song. Um. I got nothin'. He's going to sing both parts. This promises to be a trainwreck. I have no words to describe how heinous this is. I mean really. If for some reason you have not watched this, go youtube it immediately, because I don't know that I can appropriately describe it. He attempted to pop and lock, I think, but failed miserably. And then he went all pitchy-dawg regardless of the two robots in his ears. I just looked up the results and apparently this performance awakened the American public to how riDICulous JacobPaul is. I will, however, miss typing JacobPaul. Back to the performance, he's giving the black panther fist by the way. Oh, this is too good. There's a line, "Tell me how you gon' be wifout me-uh." My response? "I gon' be good." Jenny from the Block: "I'm glad you told me you would record this type of song. There's no doubt you're a performer and you have one of the best voices that has ever been on this stage, for sure." Me: "Say what? You must have not watched any of the previous seasons of this show, because there are plenty of better voices that have been on this stage. Like, EVERY other voice." Jenny from the Block wants him to pick songs that represent him. Randy Yo Dawg: "Alright yo, I kind of differ with that opinion right? I don't think that's the direction for you, I don't think any contestant should sing a duet song and do both parts, it was kind of corny for me, alot of it was sharp, I don't see you as that kind of song. You're the church kid, you're Luther, you're not Chris Brown, Rihanna." Me: "Um. Probably shouldn't have made the Chris Brown, Rihanna reference. May be in for some calls from some lawyers." Jenny from the Block is arguing. She's annoying me tonight. Steven Tyler: " I'm waiting for the certain something that is 100% you, not trying to do other people."

Lauren is up. I guess if I had to vote for someone, it would be her. Sheryl is telling Lauren to stand still. Thank you, Sheryl. Wise words. She's singing a Carrie Underwood song. "Flat on the Floor." The fiddler dude is playing with her. And she's ignoring Sheryl. That was exciting. She was very loud and it was decent. I really wanted to know what the fiddler dude's shirt said though. Randy Yo Dawg: "That is the direction for you. This direction I agree with. You're singing still connected. The Great Carrie Underwood (Namedrop: 2). Lauren is in it..." Me: "Ohhhh....so close." Steven Tyler: "That's the niche for you, you've done it. For a 15 year old girl to have direction like that. I think you're it." Me: "Agreed." Jenny from the Block: "We've been asking for that for weeks."

Scotty. He's going to sing "Gone" by Montgomery Gentry. Dude! Scotty! This does not suck! I really really love this, actually. So does Jenny from the Block apparently. Scotty and Lauren should be in the final. Steven Tyler: "You're a Puritan, but I saw you dance with the Devil tonight. It was good." Jenny from the Block: "I lost it. You owned that stage. You even growled, that's some American Idol stuff right there!" Me: "Ok, wait. A few weeks ago, ya'll told Casey to quit growling, and now you're condoning Scotty's growl? Make up your minds!" Randy Yo Dawg: "I felt like we were at Concert Scotty. I'm loving that you're in it to win it, too!"

Haley. She's singing an unreleased Lady Gaga song. Which is really helping with my "I hate Haley campaign." It's called "You and I." Poo squattage is high this evening. I know I said she was growing on me, and she is. But this performance did nothing to increase that growth. Jenny from the Block: "I loved the way you sounded, you had good moments, but I don't know that this song was a good idea. Jimmy may not have given you great advice." Me: "I think you may have made Jimmy a little upset with that." Randy Yo Dawg: "Listen, I don't really think it's that great of a song." Me and Paul: "Ooooohhhhhh....." Me: "Lady Gaga, gets bitten by the Dawg! Snap, crackle, AND pop!" Randy Yo Dawg: "I always think of you as Joss Stone. You're a great singer, but I don't know if this did you any favors." Steven Tyler: "You put all your range in it, and you made it work. Risky, but you're one perfect song away from being American Idol." Me: "Technically she's like 3 weeks worth of songs away, but yeah, one works too." Here's what I can't stand about Haley. The whole time the judges are giving her feedback, she standing up there with this pouty look on her face as if to say, "How dare you judge me?" The most ridiculous part of it is, if Simon was still on the show, he'd have torn, her, JacobPaul, Scotty, Pia, and possibly James new ones weeks ago. This would be a totally different ball game. But I digress.

Round 2. UGGGHHHH.

James Durbin is singing "Without You" by Harry Nelson. He's crying. Why? Whatever, he's singing. And not screaming. Yet. Ok. That was perfect up until the totally unnecessary scream towards the end. And he's crying again. He wants to make a better life for his family. As Paul pointed out, everyone who ever comes on these shows always wants to make a better life for their families. And this is really not the best way to do it. You've left your wife and child, to be on this show, and the odds of you winning and becoming really successful are actually pretty slim. So, way to go. Randy Yo Dawg: "The emotion you showed was great. It wasn't perfect, there were some notes that were flat/sharp (CRAIG!), but that emotion that you just showed? Now? This competition is yours to lose." Steven Tyler: "Your emotions were beautiful. It was beautiful." Jenny from the Block: "Blah blah, you're an artist, blah blah."

Ok I just really don't have the energy for this anymore, so I'm going to make the rest of this brief and to the point.

Jacob: "Love Hurts." It involves a harp. And a suit. And falsetto. And the curse of the brass section again.
My take: Love does not hurt. This song hurts.
Paul: He sounds like he's being eaten from the inside out by an alien.
Hannibal Lecter is here. Fava beans.
Steven Tyler: We were lost.
Jenny from the Block: No one heard you screw up in the middle. So I'm pointing it out. Good job.
Randy yo Dawg: You redeemed yourself.

Lauren: "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers. Sweet, it's her parents song. Her parents are still married, that's awesome. Her dress is pretty. And she's doing really well. I wish she had gone for the high note when she went back into the chorus.
Jenny from the Block: Beautiful.
Randy Yo Dawg: Whitney, Mariah (Namedrop: 4). Tender moment.
Steven: Perfect.

Scotty: "You Were Always on My Mind." Oh shoot. I'm probably going to cry. That was sweet and beautiful.
Jenny from the Block: "You're a well-rounded artist. That was sweet."
Randy Yo Dawg: "You're our youngest veteran. If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
Me: "Good point."
Steven Tyler: "That was beautiful."

Haley: "The House of the Rising Sun." Wow, the beginning of this is awesome. I'm actually digging this. Poo Squattage and all. That. Was. Awesome.
The judges are all standing.
Randy Yo Dawg: "You slayed it. Best performance of the night."
Me: "I would agree with that actually. I know. You can get up off the floor now."
Steven Tyler: "You sold everybody today."
Jenny from the Block: "You were angry at us in the beginning, great job."

So, I already know that JacobPaul has finally been put out to pasture. And I can guarantee that my results blog would be filled with much rejoicing and happiness. If I get to it, I get to it. If not, see you next week.