Oh Happy Day!

The following takes place between the hours of 8:50 PM and 10:50 PM. Events happen in real time. (But 50 minutes delayed).


It's here. Officially here. I almost don't believe it.

Again, the judges are:

Simon Cowell: Hereby called His Majesty
Nicole Scherzinger: I still have to find a nickname for her
L.A. Reid: Hereby called Randy Jackson 2.0
Paula Abdul: Hereby called Queen Crazy

Something called Cheryl Cole is also participating in this. What? I'm confused.

People of all ages are permitted to audition. The prize is a $5M recording contract with Sony. There is much anxiety.

Someone named Steve is hosting. He has an accent. It could be British. It could be Australian. It could be something else entirely.

His Majesty is responsible for 300 million record sales. He's a bad dude.

Randy Jackson 2.0 is responsible for launching the careers of Mariah Carey, Pink, Rihanna and others. Thanks for that. He was the chairman of Island Def Jam and he walked away from it for this show. Also a bad dude.

Cheryl Cole will be here for L.A. Auditions. She was part of a girl group a la Spice Girls. She's Irish. But other than that, meh.

Queen Crazy is back. And she's still crazy.

The 4 categories are Boys, Girls, Over 30 and Groups. Each judge will mentor a category, then choose contestants to go to the live shows to compete for votes. It's unclear how the votes will work.

The auditions take place in arenas full of people. Which I happen to think is fantastic. This way, the judges can see exactly how the audience responds to them before sending them to the live show to be flayed in front of the American public. Is flayed the right word there? *thinks about looking for a dictionary* Who cares?

Rachel Crow is auditioning. See my previous post about her on the 8 minute preview. She is adorable. So is her Grandma. The crowd is on their feet. The judges are animated while watching her. I enjoy it. Queen Crazy: "You just did what we need everyone to do." Bonnie Lass Cole: "We found ourselves a little stah." Randy Jackson 2.0: "Many, many positive adjectives." His Majesty: "You are the reason we were right to take the ages down so low. Remember these two words, Rachel Crow, because I think we're going to be hearing a lot about you." She is going to the category corral I guess.

Side note: My kid is swishing around like a little fishy. He must love Simon too!

His Majesty and Queen Crazy are bickering.

Terrell Carter is an apparently attractive African American man. I say apparently because Bonnie Lass Cole and Queen Crazy have been rendered speechless. He's alright. He's very Boyz II Men. Bonnie Lass Cole says he's got the whole package, which sends the incredibly mature audience in to hysterical fits of laughter. He has 4 yeses and will be going to the category corral.

Ellona Santiago is 14 and she yells. But she gets 4 yeses. Hrm.

A little tweeny boy named John comes out and the little bitty tweeny girls freak out. He sang "Forget You." It was alright. It was Justin Beiber but better. Not saying much, really. I obviously really enjoyed it. He's through.

An individual named Siamese is going to audition. He, apparently, is 30. He is going to be a MEGAstar, not a superstar, a MEGAstar. When he achieves MEGAstarhood he will have an energy drink named Simenergy. I don't know of anyone who would drink that. He's like a clash between Prince and something from Avatar. Paul just made the "X" sound from America's Got Talent. Simon and L.A. Reid appear to agree. I'm pretty sure a cracked out Patti LaBelle is related to him. Or supporting him. Or wandered in off the street. No disrespect Patti. Anyway, it's not pleasant. He's doing a lot of gyrating. His Majesty finally stopped him. Bonnie Lass Cole: "Do I love this or do I think it's kinda weird? And I don't know the answeh yet." I lurve her accent. Lurve. I will look her up later. His Majesty: "You're obviously a fan of Prince. It was very copycat." Me: "Ah, Simon. This is why I have missed you. We are critiquing soul mates." Simon has been sipping from the Crazy Queen's cup. He just put him through to the category corral. I don't understand. Everyone has been put through to the corral.

Dan and Venita are Dan and Venita. They are 70 and 83 respectively. They're driving to L.A. They made it. They are not thrilled about paying $5 for a hot dog. Oh, they're sweet. They've been married for 2 years. What? His Majesty: "Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?" Dan: "5 at a time?" No, Dan. They want to use the $5M to sing in all the beautiful senior centers in their travel home. They're sweet. But they cannot sing. Simon hopes Dan treats Venita well. That's odd of him to say. Oh, it's not good. Simon is cracking up. I think I'm going to revert back to calling Simon by his given name. I may use His Majesty for special occasions.

Montage of terrible. <3 I literally just FFW through one because it was really, really terrible. Some girl just told Simon he was wrong. Oh, honey. Not a good plan.

Apparently, the winner will also get a Pepsi commercial. Y'know, like Ray Charles and Michael Jackson. Oh, and Britney Spears.

Simone Battle is fierce. She said so. 450 times. Simon calls her out as annoying. Love, love, love. She's singing a song by the Pussycat Dolls. She knows she's 1 person and they're many...people....right? I dislike it. I dislike her. I just, do. Her voice is not great. So don't give me the, "You just don't like her 'cause she's pretty" thing. Simon: "I think you'd be fun to watch as a performer, you interest me." Me: "Who is this person that has invaded Simon Cowell's body????" Bonnie Lass Cole: "I enjoyed it." L.A. Reid: "I completely disagree." Simon made her sing again. L.A. still says no. Oh boy, she annoys me. She goes to the category corral.

There is a rivalry between L.A. Reid and Simon Cowell. Apparently, Simon thinks L.A. is the best record exec in the land and L.A. thinks Simon is the best talent man in the land. They are usually at opposite ends. So that'll be fun. Honestly, I don't overtly agree with one over the other. Maybe I will as the season continues.

Stacy Francis. See previous post. I still think her age and her children's ages do not make sense. She's pretty fantastic though. There is much crying. And she's through to the category corral.

Now we're in Seattle. Steve is telling us, again, what is happening with this show. Except that Nicole Scherzinger is here instead of Bonnie Lass Cole.

A man in his PJs is going to audition. His name is Geo. My favorite part of this show, other than Simon, is that every time the music starts, it shows the sound man pressing play. Geo, uhm, exposed himself. Paula got sick to her stomach and may or may not have thrown up. He was told no. Duh.

Marcus is going to audition. Suddenly, there's a thing that says 10 minutes later and he's laying on the floor non-responsive. Huh? Oh, I see, we're going to reminisce. I enjoy him. I'm hoping he passes out because he's very excited and not because he had a stroke. He doesn't have the best voice in the world but he's quite the performer. Paula and Nicole are dancing. He's laying on the floor. Ok, good. He's alright. L.A. Reid: "I worked with Bobby Brown, and I've been looking for him ever since." Me: "That's offensive. Bobby Brown is a nut. This kid is sweet and not going to run off and marry Whitney Houston and destroy one of the greatest voices of our time." I digress. Nicole: "You is what we lookin' for babe." Me: "You is inarticulate." Paula: "Everything about you is relevant. You're adorable and you illuminate the room." Simon: "Normally I say you do not sing this song, but I really, really like you." He's through to the category corral.

It's Miss Kitty's birthday. MISS KITTY! That's what I'm calling Nicole. Because she was a Pussycat Doll, see. Maybe?

There's a boy band auditioning. They are The Answer. The Answer to what, exactly? They live in Salt Lake City and let's just say, I don't know how they fit in there. They're singing Adele. Girl song. Oh and apparently they are The Anser, which makes me ask, huh? They're harmonies are not happening. L.A. says yes. Miss Kitty says yes. Paula says yes. Simon says yes. I just don't see the appeal. I'm sorry.

Nikki is going to audition. She is seriously standing there very apathetic. She is terrible. She can't actually think she sings well. Someone dared her to do this. Miss Kitty tells her she has range. Nici: "It's the register." Miss Kitty: "Yes, many...many registers." I enjoy Miss Kitty. Even though she won DWTS just because she was paired with Derek. Ew. Derek. Anyway, back to Nici the screech owl. She got 4 no's, and she is flabbergasted.

How did I miss this before? When the contestants are done auditioning they go into this little box and the inside is totally white. They look like they are in Heaven or something talking to us from the Great Beyond. Well, they look like they should be hanging out with Morgan Freeman in Bruce/Evan Almighty, anyway.

A Mom/Daughter duo are going to sing Stevie Wonder. They should be eliminated just for that. They got eliminated because they stink.

Darren has a girlfriend who has invested 100,000 dollars or more in his career. She needs her money back. Also, he has a strange cackle-y laugh.

This group of girls is singing a cappella. They're weird.

Chris Renee is a garbage man. He just got out of rehab. So that's cool. He's singing an original song. Which does not suck. Which is surprising. He's like Eminem but not scary. The judges, with the exception of Simon, are all grooving. Simon does not groove, under any circumstance. He's through to the category corral. L.A. Reid really is Randy Jackson 2.0, he has name dropped 2x. Simon told him his favorite moment is when he meets a star for the first time. He also says he's not sure if Chris needs the show or if the show needs Chris. The judges are very encouraging for him to stay clean.

And that's all for tonight. I did not agree with all of the choices, but when do I ever? All I know is, I'm glad Simon and Paula are back. L.A. is enjoyable. And Miss Kitty is surprisingly pleasant.