Cribs: X Factor Edition

So, my Tivo, along with my car, is a Decepticon. Oh, and baseball is ruining television. Apparently whatever was supposed to air on Wednesday couldn't air on Wednesday because it rained somewhere, causing a 7 hour baseball game to last 15 hours instead. In all honesty, I heart baseball. I just heart my television routine more.

So the episode on Wednesday was a repeat, which I just figured out. Then there was supposed to be an episode on Thursday, but for some reason my Tivo (the Decepticon) didn't record it. I have no idea why. It recorded the other shows we always watch, but not X Factor. So NOW, I am being forced to watch the performances ONLY online. So this blog might be boring. Even though I'm pretty sure no one is actually reading it. EDIT: My wonderful husband found a website where I can watch the entire episode so I'll add my edits to what I've already written.

Last week the contestants were split into the 4 categories, 8 acts in each category. Now they're going to the judges homes. Steve JonesnotJobs is explaining all of this to us. Groups go to Santa Barbara. Boys go to the Hamptons. Over 30s go to Malibu. Girls go to France. Groups are with Paula. Boys are with L.A. Over 30s are with Miss Kitty. Girls are with the King himself.

The girls have the best mentor, just ask Simon. I still can't believe Simone made it. The girls are freaking out that they are with Simon. As well they should be. Also of note, the contestants are not actually going into the judges homes. They're hanging out in the yard. "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard...." No.

Groups want to be with Nicole. Ruh-roh. The two mutt groups are "Intensity" and "Lakoda Rayne." Can I take this opportunity to say that the bumper music underneath the talking is really random on this show? The groups are happy that they have Paula. So they say. Paula tries to convince the groups that she has specialized in working with groups. After all, she worked with ZZ Top and Duran Duran. Paula, none of these people know who those people are.

The over 30s are with Nicole. They wanted L.A. Nicole does her best to convince them she'll be great. I don't know if they are buying it.

The boys are with L.A. Chris Rene says he's blessed to be in L.A.'s team.

All the judges brought a "friend." Also known as someone from the music industry that needs a little publicity. Nicole brought Enrique Iglesias. Paula brought Pharrell. L.A. has Rihanna. Simon's friend was supposed to be Mariah Carey. But she got stuck in Hurricane Irene. So Simon figured he could probably handle it on his own. Uh, yeah.

The judges chose the songs. So that's good.

Apparently Baby Kanye has decided to start going by "Astro." So now he's a dog from the Jetsons?? Oy vey. We have to have a recap of his "greatness." He knows he's talented, so he knows he's going to get a yes. Ew. That actually wasn't terrible. I still don't like him, but his performance wasn't terrible.

Simone Battle is performing for Simon. She irritates me too. I just think she's cocky and has no reason to be. She messed up the lyrics for "My Song" by Elton John. That should be a no. Pssst....Simone....you forgot your skirt. She's singing "Help Me." It's just ok. She has a nice voice, but I don't know. Something just bugs me.

The groups are getting a pep talk from Paula. They are letting them know that not everyone is going to make it. Were they unaware of this before?

Sidebar: from here on things may be out of order, because I found the full episode. But all the performances should be here.

The Anser to the Question No One Asked is up first. They are in Paula's group. They are from Utah, and feel strange because they are not Mormon. They are closer than blood brothers. They're "brothers from another mother." They are singing "Perfect" which is a Pink song that I love. Also, Pharrell is there for some reason. It was nice, until they started trying to do harmonies. The high harmony is sharp. It's making me close one eye. Steve JonesnotJobs wants to know if it could have gone better. They said yes. I agree.

Skyelor Anderson is going to sing for L.A. Reid and Rihanna. Skyelor tells us that most people think he sings R&B because that's what black people sing. He's sweet. He sings country, BTW. He has had a hard life, his Dad and his brother died. This is the kid who, in his first audition, his track stopped and he just kept singing a cappella. I like him. He is going to sing "Nobody Knows it But Me." This is just decent. He has the tendency to go a little flat at the end of his notes. But I enjoy him more than say, Scotty McReery, so I'd say he has a fair shot. Rihanna likes him. L.A. Reid wonders if he chose country or if country chose him. THAT is profound.

Tora is up next. Every time I hear her name I think "Tora!Tora!Tora!" which is not to say I'm cheering for her, it's the name of a movie. Also, is she Jewish? Because, you know, the Torah? No? Ok. She is singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" by the Stones. Why would you even attempt that song? She's melting down. Also of note, Simon does not have people at his house for no reason. He's cool like that. I really like her voice and her personality. I just find her all around a good performer and very interesting. Simon was tapping his feet. Which were bare. Haha! Simon doesn't quite get it. Boo.

Dexter Haygood is going to sing for Nicole and Enrique Iglesias. Enrique, will you be my hero? Actually, take it back, will you just leave? Again, though, WHY is Enrique Iglesias here? Dexter was homeless. Just in case we forgot that they mention that every. single. time. All the judges have pools. We have a pool in our complex, can I be a judge? He's going to sing "Crazy in Love." To which I say, huh? Oh, I get it. He thinks the fact that the word "Crazy" is in the title means he can go totally crazy. Which he does. Enrique is confused and Nicole is humoring him. He tells Steve JonesnotJobs that he missed some of the lyrics. No joke. Now he's buried his face on Steve's shirt and is crying like a baby. I can't be the only person to think he's mentally unstable, right?

The Fabulous Brewer Boys are up. Wait a second? They're from Temecula? Wow! Go Brewer Boys. I enjoy them a lot. They are nice, and they love their Mom. They're going to sing "Only Girl in the World." They're in Paula's group so they're singing for Paula and Pharrell. This was just decent, unfortunately.

The next group is one of the mutt groups. Paige, Haley, Cari, and Dani are in a group which apparently is called Lakoda Rayne. They think Lakoda means friends or something and that Rayne means blessings from above. I say false. They have to sing "Born this Way" by the supremely talented Lady Gaga.....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I can't possibly type that without laughing. This is terrible. They have no ability to harmonize. The whole thing minus like 4 notes through the whole song was in unison. One of them even realized it was terrible and begged for their life before leaving the yard.

Nick Voss who fights with his razor is up. He is in L.A.'s group. He's singing "Everybody Wants to Rule the World." He thinks he's Elvis Presley. He's like a drugged up Elvis Presley. Rihanna wants to know whether that performance was how all of his other performances are. Methinks Rihanna does not want him under her umbrella-ella-ella-hey-hey-hey.

Elaine Gibbs is with Nicole and Enrique (?) She is sure to be fantastic. She's singing "Stop Crying Your Heart Out," which I've never heard before. Her voice is just gorgeous. She is a gorgeous lady. I really, really hope she makes it.

James Kenney is up. He is with Nicole too. I feel like he thinks he may be as cool/good as David Cook. But he is definitely NOT. He has 5 jobs. Well, look at that. Somebody who knows how to work for a living and doesn't just think, "I need to support my family, so I'll just go pursue my dream and not worry about getting an actual paying job in the meantime." He's singing a song called "Russian Roulette." How violent. I can see him going through, simply because he's a dude and dude's tend to win these things. Just sayin'.

Caitlin Koch is with Simon. I enjoy her a lot.

This just in, my wonderful husband may have found somewhere on the internet where I can watch the whole episode, complete with all the other fun stuff. Please hold.

He did.

Stacy Francis is up. She has a beautiful voice. But I'm not 100% about her, either. She's singing "Purple Rain." Huh? What? This song does not make any sense. Lyrically or logically. She is killing it though, I assume. Annnnnnd, now she's crying and begging not to go home. Just stop. People have to go home. Just chill. Also, she looks like Diana Ross. And the bumper music under her is...Diana Ross. That's funny.

Philip Lomax. He reminds me of John Mayer. And I dislike John Mayer greatly. So, you know what I think of him. He is singing "Please Don't Stop the Music" which is by Rihanna. And he has to sing it in front of Rihanna. He made it a crooner song and it sounds awkward. I vote no.

Drew is up next. She really wants to make it. She's singing "It Must've Been Love." I like this a lot. I like HER a lot. She has a sweet voice, with a nice tone and a unique sound.

And that's all for that episode. Apparently, tomorrow night there will be 16 more performances and then we'll cut down to the top 4 acts of each category. Going to set my Tivo right now.