We're Live People. Live.

The introductions for these live shows are going to get old. Assuming they do the same thing every week. It's very NFL/WWE with the "And for (judge's name), the (category), (list of contestants). By the way, Drew the Girl is going by just Drew.

They're trying really hard with the X door opening slowly to reveal Steve JonesnotJobs. We're losing 5 peeps tonight. Here's how it will work, each mentor will choose 3 acts from their category to go into next week's show. Cool. When do we vote? The judges are walking out to that song that sounds really scary and intimidating. L.A. Reid is appropriately dressed. Nicole's dress may have been attacked with Nick Voss' razor. Paula is shiny. Simon is showing WAY too much cleavage.

Steve JonesnotJobs is telling us, AGAIN, what the prizes are. Wow. His accent seems more pronounced this evening. Maybe he just has never talked this much at once before. But it's annoying. I do not enjoy it.

Something else I don't enjoy? "Astro." This little punk kid is going to drive me nuts. He's rapping Chris Cross "Jump Jump", which my husband thinks I should be familiar with. I'm not. When that song came out, my musical repertoire consisted of hymns and the Judds. With perhaps a little oldies mixed in. Anyway, I'm watching this a second time because....well....I actually kind of love it. I also love L.A. Reid, I just think he's cool. Ok, so literally, the performance finished and I said "Wow. Wow. Wow, kid!" Astro may have won me over. Or I'm having an insane pregnant person moment. Time will tell.

The judges comments:
Nicole: "Way to start the performances in America." Me: "Uh, what? When were they ever in another country?"
Paula: "You're going to be doing this the rest of your life. But L.A., why do you have your son in our competition?" Me: "Pssst....Paula....not all black people are related....that makes you look racist."
Simon: "Brian, I said before that you were obnoxious, but now that's tripled because you just killed everyone. L.A., if he does not make it through to the finals, you're literally insane." Me: I just love that he called him Brian. Way to refuse to conform to the ridiculous "Astro" thing. Also, there are ENORMOUS screens on the side of the stage that show the judges/contestants' faces for the audience. Like I'm talking at least a quarter of the size of the big screen at the Biggest Stadium in the World.
L.A.: "Do you guys have anything in your category that can stand up to that? You just made it really difficult for the rest of these guys." Me: "It was good, but I'm sure there are some better contestants in other categories."

Chris Rene is up. I really, really, really want him to do well. I have no idea what this song is. He just has a really smooth voice. I think the thing I like the most about him is his genuineness. Is genuineness a word?
Nicole: "Are you enjoying this? I don't know if I would have picked that song for you." People boo. I support that boo.
Paula: "Genuine. Truthfulness. Authentic." Me: "I said the same thing. Sort of."
Simon: "I don't think you're the best singer, but I think you're the best recording artist. I've gotta see you in the show next week." Me: "Wait, wait, wait...good singers aren't good recording artists? And good recording artists aren't good singers? What are we buying when we buy cds/download songs? Autotu....oh wait...yeah I get your point."
L.A.: "I'm very impressed. We like the unpredictable. You did a great job."

Philip Lomax (John Mayer) is up. I told you he'd be like Stefano all weird and Italian Stallion. Also, why are there girls dressed like nutcrackers from Scotland on stage with him? I just don't understand this performance at all. I'm very distracted by the nutcrackers and the sparkly lights and the awkward dancing. And now the confetti. All. The. Confetti.
Nicole: "I wish you had personality and charm and confidence. Fun, fun, fun." Me: "No the word you're looking for is awk. ward.
Paula: "It's hard to have women hang on you, but you gotta do it sometimes. You know how to connect with an audience." Me: " Not this audience member."
Simon: "I like you. But tonight it was like you're a racing driver and L.A. put you in a tractor. The song is too cheap, it's too throw-away."
L.A.: "You stepped outside of your comfort zone. Pay that no mind, you're just fine."
Me: "L.A. is a poet."

Marcus Canty is up. I think it is...interesting that 3/4 of L.A.'s contestants are R&B/Rap inspired. I'm just sayin'. He's singing "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?", but he's doing the Bobby Brown thing to it, as L.A. would say. He has a really good voice and interesting dance moves. He has some pitchydawg moments. My prediction is that either Marcus or Philip goes home. My hope is Philip.
Nicole: "You make it look too easy. I have one thing to say, you were BORN to be on that stage." Me: "That was two things. Learn to count."
Paula: "I feel like I'm watching a veteran on stage. And you make me nervous because you're staring at me." Me: "He does have the crazy eyes."
Simon: "I remember when we met you, you had to make a decision about whether to go forward with this or not. I think you're the one of the four boys that thought this through and realized what's at stake." Me: "That was a little over the top. But ok."
L.A.: "You stepped up to the plate once again. We've learned from each other. You've made me really proud."

Steve JonesnotJobs is just so serious.

The boys are back out to find out their fate. Either Philip or Marcus should leave. I KNOW Astro will go through. And I'm pretty sure Chris will go through. Astro is through. Marcus is through. I really hope Philip is out. He is! I win! Oh, I mean Chris wins! Steve JonesnotJobs is not smooth. Direct quote: "Philip Lomax, I did not want to be speaking to you in this capacity...." Pffft! Philip is bummed but he's glad to be here in the first place. But he's not here. He's going home to Seattle.

Groups are up. Paula is introducing the StereoHoggz. I'm unsure how to spell their name. Hogzz. One G two Z's. Got it. I guess. I have no idea what they're singing. They enjoy dancing around. They keep telling me to squeeze people. Girls particularly. No thank you.
L.A.: "You've come a long way. It was really good." Me: "Or not."
Nicole: "It was solid all the way around, it was classic and current at the same time." Me: "Alright."
Simon: "I hate to say this, but Paula, you did a great job. I love this band." Me: "Awww...they love each other. And...huh?"
Paula: "You guys were great, you trusted me, thank you." Me: "That is a big deal. Trusting Paula." I predict they'll be safe.

Steve JonesnotJobs kind of reminds me of Screech from Saved by the Bell. Just really tall and gangly and awkward. Hopefully he does not have the same drug/debt problem Dustin Diamond has/had/has.

Brewer Boys are up. They're from Temecula. I like whatever song this is. We can't figure out what exactly they're singing. They're singing two different songs. It was good. Paul says he dug it.
L.A.: "You were good. But, Paula, I got the sense that this was outside their comfort zone. I don't know if I was blown away, but you were good."
Nicole: "If I was a teenager I'd have you all over my walls." Me: "Ew."
Simon: "You've progressed. But I need to remind everyone it's a 5 million dollar contract because, well, let's face it, I'm paying a lot of money for this show to be remotely successful." He didn't actually say that last part. But he was thinking it. Me and Simon are like this *points to my eyes, points to his eyes, points back to my eyes.*
Paula: "For me, I want groups to be connected to the audience so the audience can get to know them. I think you nailed it."

Intensity is up. I don't understand this group. It's a mutt group. They're all on jungle gyms. They're like High School Musical on a non-Disney budget. This was weird.
L.A.: "I feel like you've grown together really well, you've gelled." Me: "Yes, but it's a gel that wears off after a good hour."
Nicole: "You're like a pumpkin patch of yummy pumpkins." Me: "That's why they gave Nicole the over 30 category. She's a child predator."
Simon: "That was the equivalent of a music miracle. You're like the new young Glee. Girl in the red jacket, you have an amazing voice." Me: "It is true, Glee is going to need some people that actually look like they're in High School. Instead of the 30 year old cast members they have portraying 17 year old pubescent teens. Also, why didn't that girl in the red jacket make it through by herself?" Side note: I still watch Glee. I just only pay attention to the musical numbers.
Paula: "I'm very proud of you."

Lakoda Rayne is the other mutt group. They had a tough sound check. I've had those. You know what you do? You move on. They're singing "Come on, Irene." Paul says no one should sing this song unless they are David Spade and Chris Farley. I say they should not sing that song in the Grand Canyon. And they should try to learn how to harmonize. Because unison does them zero favors. Zeee. to the Rooooo.
L.A.: "I would sign you if you walked into my office and did what you just did." Me: "Well, you also signed The Biebs, so....I don't know if I trust your judgment. Sorry dawg."
Nicole: "Coming from a girl group, you make girl groups look good. You sounded amazing." Me: "You're right Nicole, it WAS better than "Dont'cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?"
Simon: "Most of the best pop groups in the world happen when someone puts people together. And that's what's happened here. Paula, you have done an incredible job with these groups. It's really annoying." Me: "Tee-hee."
Paula: (she's already crying, BTW). "I put in a lot of hours, you made me really proud, because you had a lot to prove tonight." Me: "They had to prove they could walk and sing at the same time."
Paula is having a moment. If I had my way, Lakoda Rayne would go home. But it appears that will not happen. So it's probably Intensity. Or possibly StereoHogzz/ggz. StereoHogzz/ggz is through. Lakoda Rayne is through. Intensity is through. Brewer Boys are done. That's ridiculous. A group will NOT win this competition. Fact.
Steve just awkwardly told Paula to shut it.

Nicole forgot we were live. And sat there waiting for something to happen. But SHE was supposed to tell us who was up next. So that was awkward.

Also awkward? The fact that Dexter Haygood is on this show. Singing "I Kissed a Girl." I feel like they put him on TV to be made fun of. It's not right. He's not really singing. He's screaming at me. It's concerning.
L.A.: "I think you found him." Dexter: "Found who?" L.A.: "Dexter." Dexter: "You think I found myself." Me: "This is turning into "who's on first?" L.A.: "I don't know what she was thinking giving you that song. But it wasn't your fault. You did good."
Paula: "I know you like to kiss girls." Me: "TMI."
Simon: "There's a lyric that says "it felt so wrong, it felt so right", and that's kind of how I felt."
Nicole: "I'm so proud of you. You remembered your lyrics."
Dexter keeps yelling into a microphone that is not attached to anything.

Steve said we have seen two of of the over 30's. I rewound and he is lying.

Leroy Bell is up. He's awesome. I do not recognize this song. But he's singing it beautifully. It was a strange song. But I still love him.
L.A.: "I would have given you a better song. I'm confused as to why you haven't become a big star already." Me: "True."
Paula: "Your voice is velvet. I've known Michael Bolton since he was 7 years old." Me: "Random."
Simon: "I think you have one of the best voices in this competition. I don't believe you've quite got the connection with Nicole yet. I see a bit of a lack of confidence. I wish I was mentoring you." Me: "He is a little out of his element, but he'll be a'ight."
Nicole: "I don't know if you would have spent as much time with him as I did. He represents dreams. He's old." Me: "That was a paraphrase."

Stacy Francis who should be Elaine Gibbs is up. I have no idea what this song is. She has a fine voice and all, but I just preferred Elaine. She looks pretty though. And she had some knock-out moments.
L.A.: "This time you got it all right. Really proud of you. You're not crying. Don't start." Me: "Tell her, L.A."
Paula: "Brilliant delivery, you told a story." Me: "Meh."
Simon: "You know how much I like you and I know how much you like me." Me: "Backstory?" Simon: "I don't like what you're wearing, I didn't like the song, you're a church singer."
Nicole: "This moment gave you wings right now."
Simon tried to argue. Nicole tried to argue back. Stacy did a weird dance. And Steve told them to shut up.

Josh is up next. He's singing "Forever Young." Nicole picks weird songs. That was good. But not great. His voice is awesome, but that song was strange.

L.A.: "Your voice is one of the best in the competition."
Paula: "Your voice is one of the best in the competition." Me: "Copycat."
Simon: "You are the artist I fear. Because you've got it all going on. You are the real deal. Probably the best performance we've had."
Nicole: "It was a soul-stirring performance. You ignored everything I said, and it was great." Me: "So no one should listen to you."

Dexter should go home. No question about it. Stacy is through. Josh is through. Dexter better be out. Nicole will be the stupidest person ever. Good, she's only a little bit stupid. Leroy is through. Dexter is confused but he doesn't know why. I do. Because he's NOT STABLE.

Girls are up. Simon has to send two girls home because he made a horrible decision and left Simone Battle in.

Speaking of, she's up first. She definitely thinks she's Beyonce. She is not. Gratuitous booty shot. She's not good. At all. Simon is less than impressed. I think. I hope. Also, she looks like Rainbow Brite.
L.A.: "Simon you have some explaining to do. You really have to explain this. Look, everything was right except your choice in contestant. And now this? I don't get it. You must be really rich because clearly 5 million dollars doesn't really mean much to you." Me: "Dear L.A. Reid, you are my favorite judge on any reality show ever. And I loved Simon Cowell more than a mouse loves cheese."
Nicole: "Yeah that wasn't predictable at all, Simon. You, my love, are beautiful, great job sweetie." Me: "No dude, the performance was lame. Who cares if Simon gave her some weird song? She could have made it work. Other contestants have. She just stinks. She's a no-good stinky face stinky singer."
Paula: "I would have liked it with less dancers so I could see you perform more. But that's just my opinion." Me: "Paula just doesn't want to make Simon mad, she's closer to him so she'll get hit first."
Simon: (this will be good): "Simone, all this is intended to upset you because they've never liked you, it was right that you made it a show." Me: "Simon. Dude. Ya messed up. Just admit it."

Rachel Crow is next. I lurve her. She's doing the best rendition of a Justin Bieber song I've ever heard. Because it's paired with another song that I can't think of the name of. She looks adorable and she has a fantastic voice. I seriously lurve her. She went a little flat in one part, but I'll forgive her.
L.A.: "I love you doll." Me: "Agree."
Nicole: "I would have chosen a different song." Me: "Uh, I didn't know any of the songs you chose except the Katy Perry song. And you sang "Don'cha" and "Buttons." So shut it."
Paula: "You're the most likable girl. You should have given her a better song with a better range."
Simon: "Talk about pot calling the kettle black, some of your choices? I needed to show that you are a retro artist and a pop artist, it was original." Me: "I agree."

Drew is next. She dropped her last name. Because it has entirely too many vowels. And a Z. She is singing "What a Feeling." Didn't she sing this at Simon's yard? I kind of love this a lot. She should stay.
L.A.: "You have an amazing voice. You're the whole package. Simon, that was so good." Me: "Truth."
Nicole: "I can't believe I'm going to say it, that was really good Simon." Me: "Stop copying people who actually know what they're talking about." Nicole: "I would go to your concert."
Paula: "It was the perfect song, you connect with an audience and you tell a story." Me: "So Paula's new thing is connection and story, eh? Not you look fantastic and you have passion."
Simon: "This is why I wanted to be back on American TV, to find someone like you. But I like all of my girls." Me: "But you like Simone and Tiah least. Right? Right??"

Tiah is next. There are people in body socks on stage. It's freakin' me out. You know what else is freakin me out? She's slightly under pitch THE. ENTIRE. SONG.

L.A.: "I guess you're one of his favorites. So congratulations." Me: "Wow. Ouch. No mention of the pitch issue?"
Nicole: "If that was a sweet dream, I'd hate to see what a scary one looks like." See this is because she sang that song that goes "Sweet dreams are made of this." And I rewound this to be sure but Tiah definitely flipped Nicole the bird. The whole "scratching the nose" bit? Yeah, don't buy it. This girl is yucky.
Paula: "I give you credit because you have a fierce drive. You have to work on your pitch." Me: "FINALLY."
Simon: "You've never liked her, you're predictable and the two of you are like two spiteful cats. You did great my dahling." Me: "Simon. My dear. Get your ears checked. It was not good, man. They're not spiteful. They're truthful."

Melanie is up next. Mah gurl. She better stay in this time. She had two key changes and nailed them both. Lookin' at you Tiah. She's singing a Whitney song, better than Whitney could sing it now. That was incredible.
L.A.: " We saved the best for last because you are un. be. lievable. The song choice was bad but it doesn't matter because you knocked it out of the park."
Nicole: "I'm so glad you're on this show."
Paula: "I'm so glad you're on this show."
Simon: "You're great, but now I have to make the hardest decision I've ever made."

I predict that he's going to send EITHER Simone or Tiah home, just because he doesn't want to admit he's wrong about both of them. So he'll cause some kind of crazy upset and send Melanie, Rachel, or Drew home. Probably Drew, because that will be least upsetting.

Drew is through. And she squeals. Rachel is through. She also squeals. Melanie better be through. Seriously dude. Do not do this again. Melanie is through. And Simon says he thinks she could win. Way to not listen to your enormous ego, Simon. For once.

Tiah says some catty comment about getting criticism from the judges and using it. Good I hope you learn to sing on pitch. Simone says some drivel about releasing a music video. I'll be sure to go watch that right now. After I watch the paint on my walls dry.