At this point of pregnancy, it's pretty unlikely that I can stay awake or at least snarkily awake past the hour of 10:00. However, it's highly likely that I will wake up at random hours of the morning on Saturdays and be all fired up for snark. Which explains the tardiness and weird hour of this post.
Auditions are over and "Boot Camp" has started. Except I think "Boot Camp" is a lame name. So I'm calling it the Contestant Corral. Judging by the preview we're in for treats like Simon "hating this," Miss Kitty squealing, Randy Jackson 2.0 calling Simon out, and Paula doing the ugly cry. Oh, and some contestants will do stuff.
Turns out, Australian (?) Steve's last name is Jones. I had to rewind to catch that, actually because I thought it said Jobs for a minute. It must be because that's ALL ANYONE CAN TALK ABOUT. We understand, he died, he made a computer, he liked apples, it's very sad, leave his family alone. Tangent over.
Evidently the Contestant Corral is located in Tucson, AZ? Why? That seems unnecessarily hot. Oh, j/k we're just traveling to the contestants home towns.
The contestants will be under much scrutiny. Their clothes, their attitudes, oh yeah, and their voices. The contestants will be rounded up and cut down to 32 contestants (8 in each category), then the judges will be assigned a group (boys, girls, over 30, or groups) and take the group home with them to train them. That would be awesome, actually.
I'm going to predict which judge does which group now:
Miss Kitty: Groups (she was in one. They were sorta famous).
Paula: Girls (no reason)
Simon: Over 30. (he is usually good at destroying people's hopes and dreams)
L.A.: Boys (He started Justin Beiber)
The contestants have to dance in a group. Except Brian Bradley (the little annoying kid who thought he would be bigger than Jay-Z and Kanye) decides that's not what he's here for. Uh, 'scuse me, kid? You're here to do whatever the nice producers tell you to do, mmmkay? You're not Kanye yet, buddy, you don't get to just demand things because you're famous and a minority. In fact, no one is allowed to do that. Now DANCE, puppet, DANCE! He's not dancing.
In true AI fashion, the contestants are brought out in rows of 10 and made to sing in front of God and everybody. Then they'll be axed. Or told they're safe.
Siamese (the "dude" that thinks he's Prince) is singing first. His hair is crimped: -1. He sang "More than a Feeling." It was meh. He is strange, to me. But I can support him continuing on.
The Anser To the Question No One Asked is singing. Their harmony is not pleasant.
So is the other group.
Tiger Budbill sings and Miss Kitty lets us know he has lungs. Simon: "Yes, cause he's human dahling." Me: "He's back? Simon is back? Please let it be true!"
Caitlin Koch still has a lovely voice.
Drew with the really long last name is good.
Gina Rene (the sister to the guy that is no longer on drugs) is decent. Why didn't we see her audition before?
Rachel Crow (the girl who wants another bathroom) is getting a little swallowed up in this whole Corral situation. :(
Tora (the girl who reminded me of Lady Gaga but better) sang a song I've never heard of.
This is really hard to blog ya'll. They are FLYING through these singers.
BAHA! Ok so I have it paused and someone is singing on the screen but BEHIND him is a...person....in these red sunglasses that look like Levar Burton's sunglasses from Star Trek. They're awesome.
Ruh-roh. Somebody forgot the lyrics. You're done, sir.
Chris Rene (the guy who isn't on drugs anymore) sang "Sexual Healing." It was really good. I predict he'll make it.
Melanie Amaro (the one that I guarantee will be voteable) sounded amazing for the 3 seconds we heard.
Stacy (the one who is 42 with strangely aged children) really likes long notes. I predict she will be voteable, and I further predict she will get on my nerves. BAHA! Simon tells her less is more. AWESOME.
So in approximately 5 minutes, everyone has been heard. Stacy, Baby Kanye, and the Burrito Man are all through.
The second group is cut and Mark J. Inman (the one who is a philosophy major?) has a total mental breakdown. Which we only see like 2 seconds of. What is with the editing here? Did the editors have a date to get ready for? It's like this episode is on speed.
Obviously, the last group has to be in. Because there were not 100 people in the first group. I assume. Chris Rene, Tora, the guy with the Memphis jacket, the dude that got in a fight with his razor, and some other people that I can't remember enough about to describe are all in.
Phew! My hands hurt.
A bunch of the contestants overslept. Hehe.
L.A. Reid lets the contestants know that they get to sing in ensembles. He also tells them that ensembles mean groups. They have 5 hours to learn it and they have to work with vocal coaches and choreographers.
Group 1: Drew R (the girl), Caitlin, The Anser, Audrey Turner, Elaine Gibbs, Clayton Senne, and Dexter Heygood. They have to sing "Creep" by Radiohead. Drew is 4 years old and never heard the song. Dexter is trying to be Mick Jagger. He does not have moves like Jagger. Audrey Turner used to be married to Ike Turner. As in Ike and Tina. What?
Drew starts out. She has a good voice. And a poo squat. Ugh. Dexter is now singing creepily to Drew. Which I guess is appropriate considering the song title. The Anser to the Question No One Asked still has bad harmonies. Audrey Turner may or may not be possessed by the spirit of Ike. Which is not complimentary, FYI. Elaine Gibbs is showing Audrey who's boss. I never saw Clayton Senne do anything but sit there. Caitlin was awesome. The judges enjoyed Audrey Turner and thought the weakest one was Dexter. I'm very confused.
Group 2: Jazzlyn Little (the one that was "shy"), Melanie (my gurl), Heather Gayle, Aaron Surgeon, Arin Ray, the group Special Guest, and Stacy. That's a lot of big personality. Jazzlyn totally forgot the lyrics. But she made it work. Stacy forgot her pants. Ew. Melanie is by far the best vocalist in this group. I seriously love her. Their harmonies were a little weak. But it was a decent performance.
Oh good, now we have a commercial between every performance. Extremes?
Group 3 is comprised of Dani Knights, Skyelor Anderson, Leroy Anderson, Ben Rue, Chelsea Musick, Paige Ogle, and Cari Fletcher. I don’t remember any of these people from their auditions. Take it back, I remember Chelsea. She was decent. Simon did not like her. They are going to sing "Desperado" which is awesome. Leroy knows the song, no one else does. Paige Ogle has a nice, sultry voice. But she has a lot of emoting as well. I remember Skyelor too, he is great. Leroy Bell is 59 and this is it for him. He has a beautiful voice! Very soulful and easy to listen to. Dani Knights fancies herself a country artist. I say no. Cari Fletcher was not great. Skyelor fell apart. And no one is addressing that. Awkward.
Group 4: Tinuke Oyefule, Jennifay (really?) Nichols, Lauren Ashley, Reina Williams, and Brian Bradley (booooo)!!!! Hmmm.... Reina Williams is a female. But she does not look like a female. I mean this in the nicest way possible. Anyway, she is going to rap too, which makes Brian more than a little upset. That was strange. I don't really know what to do with that. Brian Bradley apparently messed up the lyrics. Which no one would know if he didn't tell us. Which makes rap not a musical genre. But anywho.
Group 5: Josh the Burrito Guy, Tiger Budbill, Nick Dean, some group, Andrew Muccitelli, James Kenney, and Thomas McAbee. I only remember Josh, Tiger, and Nick. Josh is awesome. I heart him more than I hearted Casey Abrams. The group Komplete (I'm pretty sure there's a 3 in there as a replacement for an e, but I think that's dumb) are all wearing striped shirts. Different colored striped shirts. They look like strange clowns. As opposed to non strange clowns? I'm very tired. Nick is falling apart. James has started singing and Nick just stands there looking sad. Poor Nick. HAHAHAHA! Komplete literally sang one note. The whole song. That was hilarious. Josh was awesome. As was Tiger. I don't know if Andrew was even on stage.
Group 6: Phillip Lomax, Tiah Tolliver (the girl that Nicole caved in on), Chesi Spriggs, Robert Cruz, Kelly Warner, Austin Simmons, and Nick Voss (the guy that fought with his razor and lost). I never saw Chesi audition, but I enjoy her tremendously. Tiah couldn't stay on pitch to save her life in her first audition. Simon threw a tantrum and Nicole ended up letting her in. She also appears to be a poser. Philip is irritating. Tiah is giving Nicole the stinkeye. And DUDE, I love Chesi Spriggs' voice! She's like Adele-ish. Austin is irritating. Tiah came to get it. And I think she just did. The rest of them are mediocre. Of this group, Tiah and Chesi should be in. Simon is feeling very proud of himself.
Group 7: Rachel Crow, Joshua Maddox, 4Shore, Hayley Orrantia, Illusion Confusion, Caylie Gregorio, De'Quan Allen, Ellona Santiago. I only remember Rachel and 4Shore. They are going to sing a Whitney Houston song. Holy Cow. Rachel is struggling. De'Quan scares me. Joshua just looks uncomfortable. RACHEL HAS PULLED IT OUT!!!!!!!! I love that little girl. This Hayley Orrantia is just like Haley Reinhardt. Irritating. Ellona is like Pia. Pitchy. Yo Dawg. From this group, Rachel should go through.
Group 8: Siameze, Jeremiah Pagan, Some group, Cesar De La Rosa, McKenna and Brock (who are not dating, but Brock would like that to change), Stereo Hoggz, and Emily something. McKenna now has decided she likes Brock. It's all very cheese. Siameze still has his hair crimped, by the way. A fact which I find unacceptable. Oy. Just sing. They're rambling on and on about how much they want this. Siameze is a hotel performer. And it shows. Jeremiah Pagan! He has some crazy chops! Where has this person been this whole time? Side bar: McKenna is very short. Back to task: Emily is like 7 years old and she has an amazing voice.
Oh, well, I guess we'll just make this post have two episodes on it. :)
Contestant Corral Day 2
Someone just compared Contestant Corral to Navy Seal Boot Camp. I'm pretty sure that's inaccurate.
We still have 5 groups left? Yikes.
Group 1: Brennin Hunt, some group, Marcus Canty, Matthew Johnson, Ma'At Bingham Shango, Chris Rene, and Gina Rene. They have "What's Goin' On?" Awesome. Ma'At is adorable. But pitchy. Gina is good. Brennin thinks he's a sparkly vampire. Marcus Canty is incredible. Chris was good. I don't understand what that group was doing there. They were terrible. Chris, Gina, and Marcus should be in from this group.
Nice, they're not even showing us the whole group songs.
So I'm just going to do the people that should go through from these groups. Is the group Kingston a set of twins? Hannah Bethel is part bird. Tim Cifers is a lovely country singer. Very Scotty McReery though. Matthew Slovacek is awkward. Kingston twins (?) have strange harmonies. Hannah Bethel has an average voice. Thomas Wells is inexplicable. Actually, no he's not. He is straight out of the Gaither Vocal Band. Don't know who they are? Google them. You won't be disappointed. And you will see that I am correct. Honestly, everyone but Kingston should go through.
Next group: Christa Collins thinks she's at a costume party and she has dressed like Jeannie. The Brewer Boys are sweet brothers. With Hair a la the Biebs. Hannah Jackson and Emma Henry fought for a verse. Hannah won. Everyone is changing the melody of "Chasing Cars." Why????? That song is fine the way it is. Christa was actually really good.
So all of the groups have been heard, by the judges at least.
Emma Henry is out. So are the striped clowns. So is Reina. And she is not pleased.
Chris Rene, Tiah, Paige Ogle are in.
Jazzlyn, Melanie, Stacy, Christa, Rachel, Tyler Budbill, Leroy, Burrito Guy are all in.
They will now be given 35 songs and they have to choose the one that represents them the best as an artist. They will then perform in front of 300,000 people.
Rachel Crow is up first. She's singing "If I were a Boy." She has so much talent in that little curly head of hair. I love her. I hope she wins the whole thing. One of the spots has just been taken. She is ridiculous.
Audrey Turner really seems like she's on drugs. Sorry.
Paige Ogle kind of sounds like she's singing through her sinuses.
Tiger Budbill is singing "Billy Jean" and I enjoy this arrangement. Not as much as David Cook's, but still. Awesome.
Josh Cradjick the Burrito Guy is up. He's singing "Up to the Mountain." His voice is just dirty. Good dirty. Side bar: I wish I played the piano as well as whoever this pianist is accompanying the contestants.
Simone Battle is irritating. She is going to sing "Your Song" by Elton John. She totally forgot the lyrics. She should be eliminated right there on the spot. First of all, you don't try to change that song melody-wise, and you most DEFINITELY do not mess up the lyrics.
Montage of terrible. Including 4Shore, Brockenna, and Siameze. Simon is having a problem with the fact that the contestants are changing their songs up way too much.
Stereo Hoggz are up. I have no idea what they're singing. But I do know that I do not enjoy it. Paul and I are in agreement. But apparently only with each other.
Brian Bradley is rapping as per usual.
Phillip Lomax is irritating. He just has a weird voice and a weird face.
Chris Rene is for sure making it through.
Nick Dean who forgot the lyrics in the ensemble round somehow made it through to this round. He's decent.
Stacy is up. Suddenly, a tragic story has cropped up. Her Dad passed away on the first day of bootcamp. I feel like they would have said something about this. But whatever. She's singing "Summertime." I could actually see her on Broadway. Well, off-Broadway. She had some nice moments. She also had some screech owl moments. She just bugs me. I can't explain it.
Tiah Tolliver (the one that Simon fought for) reminds me of Naima. But I like Naima more.
Cari Fletcher (a pretty blonde) is just ok, yo.
Drew (the young blonde) is up. She has large eyes and doesn't blink when she sings. She also does a weird scoop with her right hand that could get annoying. But she has an ok voice.
Caitlin Koch (another pretty blonde) is awesome. She's pretty, has a great voice, and is a good performer.
Leroy Bell, the old dude wearing the beanie, is a singer songwriter. He is singing "To Make You Feel My Love." It's gorgeous. I like him a LOT.
He was the last audition, so the judges are now going to decide who they'll bring home as their pet projects.
Everyone hopes they make it. I feel like that goes without saying. Simon has a heart and is sad to let people go. Who is this new, gentle, Simon? I want old Simon back.
The judges all have to choose, since they don't know which category they will have. So they're debating. And they've made decisions.
Girls are up first. Caitlin Koch is in. I'm for it. Tora is in. I'm for it. Simone Battle is in. I am VERY angry about this. She is the one that ruined the Elton John song. And she's just obnoxious. UGH. Drew is in. I'm ambivalent about it. Rachel Crow is in!!! I love her! I'm WAY for it! Jazzlyn Little is in. I'm for it. Melanie Amaro (my gurl), I'm definitely for it! Tiah Tolliver is in. I'm really surprised by this. Wow. They are getting rid of a lot of good girls. Emily, Ellona, Paige, Ma'At, a bunch of them.
Boys are next. Brennin the sparkly vampire wannabe is in. I'm against that. Brian Bradley, Baby Kanye, is in. I'm way against that. Skyelor Anderson, the country music guy, is in. I'm for it. Nick Voss, the dude who fought with his razor and lost, is in. I'm against it. Tim Ciphers, for it. Phillip Lomax, against it. Marcus Ganty, I'm ambivalent. Chris Rene! I'm for it!!!!! I love, love, love, his personality, his voice, etc. I don't know who any of those leftover boys are.
Groups are up. Stereo Pigz (I know it's Hogz, but the whole thing is really ridiculous, so why not change it up?), are in. I'm ambivalent. 2 Squared (what?), I'm ambivalent. 4 Shore, against it. Brewer Boys, FOR it. Illusion Confusion, ambivalent. The Anser to the Question No One Asked, ambivalent. Brock and McKenna are sad. The rest of the groups don't matter.
Old people (over 30). Elaine Gibbs is in. For it! She's incredible. Tiger Budbill, SO for it! Leroy Bell, WAY, WAY, WAY, for it! That guy is incredible. James Kenney is through, I'm ambivalent. Josh Burrito is in. Incredibly for it. Christa Collins, after hearing her yesterday, I'm for it. Dexter Haygood is in. I'm confused by it. Paula is doing the ugly cry. There is one spot left. Stacy Francis is in. I'm upset by this. Because Chris Rene's sister (Gina) is out. It makes me sad.
But wait, a twist. That I definitely knew nothing about in advance because an unnamed donut person told me. 14 contestants have been brought back. 14 random contestants. They are all under 30. Strange. One group of 4 girls, one group of 10 other people. It's strange. But there it is. They will be competing in the group category. I'm not really certain who was included. I saw Paige (I think), and Nick Dean, and Ma'At and some other people.
Now the judges will find out which category each judge will mentor. Paula wants the boys. Shocking. Nicole wants the girls. Simon wants the over 30's, but says it's not about making him happy, it's about making other people happy knowing he's their mentor. Ah, Simon. So humble. L.A. says he has a better shot of winning no matter which category he gets. Ah, L.A. So humble. Didn't I just say that? All the judges have the same ringtone. Nicole has the over 30's. L.A. has the boys. And an evil laugh. Paula has the groups. And is overwhelmed. Simon has the girls. Simon says they just made 8 girls very, very happy. Simon thinks it's hilarious that Paula has the groups because she has multiple personalities and well, so do they. L.A. Reid and Simon seem to think it's a head to head battle. Here are my thoughts.
Simon with the girls is fine. It would have been fine no matter what category he got. I'm happy for Rachel though, because if you're going to be in something like this, you should probably have somebody like Simon looking out for you.
L.A. Reid with the boys is awesome, simply for the fact that he is in charge of Baby Kanye. I, for one, hope he rips him a new one in 3.5 seconds or less. He does have a bit of an advantage though, because males tend to win these types of competitions. Who knows.
Paula with groups is strange. But it should be fun to watch her try to deal with all the crazy personalities and such.
Nicole with over 30's is also strange. But it will be interesting to see how she mentors musicians and what she brings to the table.
Next week, the Contestants go to the judges homes. Um, Simon has a grand piano in his backyard. By his pool. That would be fantastic. Turns out, the judges will be cutting their category in half. Ouch. I can't wait for next week.
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