They're Over Already?

Final Auditions are in Newark, New Jersey? Really? New Jersey?

Simon Cowell watches Jersey Shore. I just lost a huge amount of respect for him.

Brian Bradley is 14 years old. He thinks he'll be better than Jay-Z and Kanye. Oh, so he's irritating. Simon asks him why he hasn't had a record deal and he claims it's politics. He's already Kanye! All talk and no talent. He got all crazy with Simon. Telling him he's lucky they ain't in the streets. Simon really, seriously, has no clue what he's going on about. Neither do I, if I'm being ohnest. Suddenly, MiniKanye busts out with a rap telling everyone to quit looking at his Mom. And the place erupts? Except for Simon, who remains completely flabbergasted. Me too, dude. Me too. It's kind of the same reaction every time I hear Kanye West say or "sing" anything. Like, why is this man famous again? Why hasn't he been deported? Simon tells him he's arrogant, obnoxious, argumentative, and talented. Huh? I know I'm fighting a migraine and everything, but...srsly? All of the judges are smoking crack with Kanye, and he's headed to the Corral. Additionally, his Mom isn't really anything to look at.

Kelly Warner has an interesting voice. And she also has strange hair. Which is ironic because she's a hairdresser. Corral.

Aaron Surgeon looks like Lenny Kravitz in the 80s. I'm not totally blown away by his voice. Finally, Simon agrees with me! But alas, the other judges are mesmerized by his shiny hair so he too is going to the Corral.

A group, a guy in plaid, and a hippy all go to the Corral.

Andy has been single his whole life. No joke. He's going to sing "Hero" by Mariah. This is not a good idea on any level. It was bad. And he just got Paula's number.

Ice cream break.

And we're back.

Montage of terrible.

"Cashmere" likes to sing karaoke. Paula and Simon are laughing hysterically, for no reason. She's going to sing Mariah "Always Be My Baby." She's tone deaf. Tone. Deaf. Now Simon and Paula are laughing. But this time they have a reason. I don't know which is more painful, people that know they are tone deaf but don't care, or people who honestly have no idea that they are tone deaf and are really passionate about singing. Miss Kitty is the only one that isn't grinding poor Cashmere's hopes and dreams into the floor.

Nouf (actual name) when asked why she was here she literally said, "I'm in it to win it." This makes me laugh. A lot.

Jean Loup hula hoops and is a life coach. Simon finds him irritating and says he's a therapist. These are not the same things.

Maya Lehmann is 58 and she has been preparing for this for 58 years. She needs more time to prepare.

Cari Fletcher is a pretty blonde girl. She has a decent voice. Simon doesn't think she has a distinctive voice. I'd agree with that. But then he turns around and says yes, so I'm confused. Also confusing? The fact that they're playing "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman" by B. Spears.

Joshua Blaylock, Emily Michalak, Dorit Yohudan are all going to the Corral.

Austin and Emily have been BFFS since 6th grade. They're "Ausem", get it? They're singing "Jar of Hearts" which I love. Austin has a MUCH MUCH MUCH better voice than Emily. Sorry, Emily. Austin should lose Emily. But then he would just be "Aus." Nicole hems and haws around because she agrees with me (as does L.A.), Simon convinces her to say yes, and she does. After an unnecessarily long battle within herself.

Torah is going to school to be an "automotive technician." Or a mechanic. She's going to sing "I Want You Back" by Jackson 5. She is the 3rd person I will say will have the opportunity to be voted for. By me. I like her. A lot. I'm a little disturbed by the fact that she reminds me vaguely of Lady Gaga. Only better. And potentially more normal. She's in the Corral, fo sheezy.

I love that Miss Kitty takes on the personality of the people who are auditioning. If they are a little funky, she gets a little funky. If they are fragile, she gets way gentle. It's just amusing.

Jor-El is inspired by Madonna, Lady Gaga, Britney Spears. Oh. He's a male. His Mom just said, "That's my son!" and cried. Oh. I guess she was crying because she was happy? It's a no.

Many people think they should dance. Wrong show, yos. You're looking for So You Think You Can Dance. And I don't know if you would be successful there, either. Actually, I do know. You would not.

Stereo Hogzz are a group of friends from somewhere in Texas. Australian? Steve may have said "Austin" or he may have said "Houston." But it sounded like "Ooosten." They are distracting. I don't understand anything they're saying and there are too many things happening at once and my head hurts and my child is kicking me to death. Miss Kitty is talking with a Southern accent. See above statement regarding her taking on contestants personality. They are somehow through to the Corral.

I'm starting to think maybe the show is desperate for contestants to fill the Contestant Corral.

Simon is harassing Miss Kitty about using the word "instrument" to describe a voice.

Brennan Hunt wants to rule the world. So. There's that. He is Ob. Nox. Ious. He claims this song is an original that he wrote but it sounds amazingly familiar. This fool is going to make it to the stupid Corral. GAH!

Paige Elizabeth was good. Whoever came with her needs a hairbrush. She's going to the Corral.

Leroy Bell is awesome.

Brewer Boys and Nick Dean are a'ight.

Devon Talley is singing "Seasons of Love." Really, really badly. No rhythm, wrong lyrics, no pitch whatsoever. It's a huge no.

Jazzlyn Little is 16 and she is not confident at all. But she should be. She's possibly number 4. All of the judges except Simon get up off their chairs. Wassup with that?? She is really, really good. She needs to smile more, but she's AMAZING!

So that's all for auditions. Honestly, out of the people that auditioned there are 4 that I remember without looking back at my fantastic blog. Next week is Boot Camp (The Corral is a much better name). It looks very dramatic. Which should make some people I know VERY happy.