Victoria Garrett believes God brought American Idol to her. Not good. She's terrible. Steven Tyler tells her she's going to Siberia. None of the judges are nice to her. Sad. And then she calls J-Lo a bad word. Thanks for representin' Sister!
Tim Halperin is singing "She Will Be Loved." He is singing to Jenny from the Block. His song is annoying. He is in love with Jenny from the Block. His voice is whatevs. Steven says yes. Randy says no. J-Lo of course says yes. Grrr....stop putting people through because you feel sorry for them. It's ridiculous.
Justin Carter has a good last name. It's unclear whether he got in.
Daniel and Isaac are best friends. Uh-huh. They're both totally manly. Isaac's Mom thinks he's still in school, but he dropped out. The last person I heard of that did that, tried to blow up my college commencement ceremony. It didn't work for him either. His parents found out anyway....
Daniel Gomez thinks he's awesome. He's not. He's flat and horrible and baaaddd.
Isaac Rodriguez is auditioning. He, too, is horrible. Thank goodness. I was scared they were going to infiltrate and attract 15 year old tween votes who don't know how to recognize someone who is NOT attainable. He doesn't understand that he's terrible. He thinks he can sing.
Karen Rodriguez auditioned online originally. I like her. Good voice. Cute personality. I like it. She's in.
Tynisha Roches is obnoxious. She has a microphone. She has a chin piercing. She says "ow" a lot. She has scary bangs. She is killing Frank Sinatra. She wants to sing more. She insists that she has 3 albums that are ready to be composed. I don't understand how these people get through. She's chasing Randy around. Security has to kick her out. Back to my point. I have a friend who has auditioned for American Idol on more than one occasion. He has an incredible voice and has never made it even in front of the judges. It's unacceptable.
Heidi Khzam bellydances and then sings. So she's in because Randy and Steven are distracted.
Matthew Frankel believes he's a CEO. His hip-hop alter ego is "Big Stats." He's rapping. Which sounds more like...I don't really know what. It's awful. The best thing about this audition is that he's wearing a suit. His friend is with Ryan and he sounds like that dog that tries to tell Copper to stay away from Tod in The Fox and the Hound. Randy asks Matt what he does and he says he produces "millions...or...a bunch of artists." He's "singing" something not fun. He says he needs to lubricate up and it's over for him. He keeps complimenting Jenny from the Block hoping it will happen for him. Matt says his momma told him if he couldn't say anything nice about someone, don't say anything at all. So on the subject of Randy Jackson, his lips are sealed. He then continues to say that Randy is just mad that he's not related to Michael Jackson or Samuel L. Jackson. Is he related to Bethenny Frankel? 'Cause I think people can have the same last name and not actually be related. Matthew then insists that he and Randy Yo Dawg are "beefin'."
Everyone is terrible. Trainwreck.
The Gutierrez brothers are from Redlands, CA! They are singing "Lean On Me" together. It's awesome. Mark and Aaron are really good. Mark teaches math. Aaron sells shoes. Steven tells him it was god-like. I don't know if I'd go THAT far, but it was pretty sweet. So they're in.
The Human Tornado (James Brown) is auditioning. His real name is Cooper Robinson. He's going to take my city from me. Go 'head. Randy wants to know what part of Arkansas he's from. And Cooper gives step by step directions, including landmarks. Jenny from the Block wants to know how old he is. Cooper thinks he's 59, but he's not sure. He's doing a stomp dance and singing "I Feel Good." I think he may have a stroke. The judges are unsure whether to laugh or cry. I think he's on drugs. This is too much. J-Lo requests protection to walk out with her because he keeps shouting. Ryan runs INTO the audition room, to get protected by Randy Yo Dawg.
Next week, San Fran.
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