It's finally here folks. The end of the most outrageously disappointing season of American Idol ever. More to come on whether I will be back next season.
Anyway, we all know the contestants are Lauren and Scotty. One of them will win. But before we get to the point of this whole thing, we need to be subjected to performances by all the terrible contestants and Casey Abrams. First up, "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga.
First off, why are we all wearing white? Ya'll look like Michelin Man. Secondly, why is this song a hit? It's TERRIBLE. Oh look, there's Pia wearing a dress that is entirely too short. Ashthon and Naima are wearing tin foil for pants and boots. Lauren has a tin foil shirt. And soulcrusher earrings.
Why are we giving the 4th runner up of American Idol the chance to play with "Rock Royalty?" Such balderdash! He's playing with Judas Priest so this promises to be full of screaming and much eye rolling for my part. The man that I can only assume is Judas is frightening. As a matter of fact, I don't think I want to subject my unborn child to this display. I fast forwarded when James started flashing his armpit hair at me. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! James just tried to scream into his microphone and it was turned off! That was fantastic!
Yay. We're going to harass the judges. This should be dull. Randy asks questions. Well, he used to. Now, he doesn't ask questions. He's resigned himself to the fact that there is no explanation for what has happened to American Idol. Jenny from the Block and Steven Tyler will be harassed later.
JacobPaul gets to sing again for some unspeakable reason. He's going to sing with Kirk Franklin. Kirk must really be in need of some cash flow. I don't know if I have the strength for this. Also, Kirk Franklin is 80 years old. Wait, he (JacobPaul) doesn't have robot monitors. And now, Gladys Knight is singing with them. She has nowhere better to be? Like, anywhere but here? Oh, see, I thought maybe since JacobPaul didn't have robot monitors that he could suddenly miraculously sing on pitch, but I was wrong, see, because he just made Gladys Knight sound bad. Kirk Franklin is tiny compared to JacobPaul. JacobPaul might eat him. Oh, goodness. Kirk is going to have a coronary up there with all his jumping about. Oh, that's over. We survived.
FINALLY. A previous contestant that is worth listening to again. OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's singing Fat Bottom Girls with JACK BLACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE JACK BLACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's seriously amazing! Oh good grief. I could literally cry at the tragedy that is the fact that Casey Abrams is not in this final with just about anyone.
The ladies of the Top 13. Meh. They're singing "Single Ladies". I forgot about Thia. She still annoys me. Naima is having a seizure. Oh. Pia. Yep. She's still annoying too. Now they're just yelling at me. Oh we're slowing down. Must mean Pia is going to sing by herself soon. Proven wrong. She's singing a fast song. 3 planes have successfully been landed. Beyonce is here. She is seriously fierce. None of those girls hold a teeny tiny candle to the beast of Beyonce.
We will now be harassing Steven Tyler. We're pointing out all the inappropriate comments Steven made. Personally, I think we didn't have enough of those comments.
Haley and Tony Bennett are singing together. I'll give you this, Haley has a really good voice. That was very sweet.
Jenny from the Block will now be harassed. We're pointing out that the contestants have all been in love with Jenny from the Block/J-Lo/Selenas/Jennifer Lopez. She got very emotional about it. Like "They like me! They really like me!"
Lil Jon and TLC and the ladies of the top 13 are performing. What? Why? Technically, it's just T and C. But that may be hitting below the belt. Sorry, Left-Eye. Is it possible that T and C have not aged at all. I'm having serious trauma about these songs and dance moves. I don't think any of these people are actually singing. That was very strange and discombobulated.
Scotty and Tim McGraw are going to sing "Live Like You Were Dying." I like Tim McGraw. I think he's nice. That was fine. It was kind of boring.
Jenny appears to have left the building.
We're highlighting all the terrible people. Including the idiot who landed on the other idiot while doing a backflip. And the chicken girl.
Marc Anthony is going to perform. Oh good. He's like Ricky Ricardo if Ricky Ricardo was annoying. Jenny from the Block is going to dance for him now. This is awkward. That was too much information.
There's a debate about who was more shocking to be eliminated. Casey or James. It's supposed to satirical. But here's the thing. I feel like Casey's jabs at James are actually more factual than James'. Perhaps the funniest line is James: "Randy said I was gonna win the whole thing. He said I was in it to win it." Me: "Hey, dude, he said that about EVERYONE. You're not special!" Pia thinks she was shocking. No, that was necessary.
Top 13 guys. Good grief they drag this thing out forever. Paul McDonald's dance! YES!!!!! We have had Prince, someone else, and now Tom Jones. What's going on??? This is officially the strangest medley ever.
Scotty and Lauren gave their teachers cars. Then they got cars. Are Scotty and Lauren even old enough to drive?
Lady Gaga. WHY? Oh that's sad. She got stuck in her curtains and couldn't get it off her head in time to come to the show. Probably because she had to go rock climbing as soon as she got to the show. Oh! She got it off! Now she looks like a drugged up Xena, Warrior Princess. Xena watch out! A creepy guy is sneaking up behind you. Dude. One of those faceless dudes from the bar in Star Wars is playing the saxophone. I think Lady Gaga and that scary guy are fornicating on the stage. Incidentally, that scary guy was on So You Think You Can Dance a few seasons ago. Can't remember his name.
Preview for HP and preview for X-Factor. Both will be epic.
Lauren Alaina is singing "Before He Cheats" and now Carrie (American Idol Extraordinaire) is joining her. She is the first Idol I ever actually thought was awesome. I remember watching her finale and thinking she was amazing. Also, Carrie just sang circles around Lil Miss Lauren.
The others are mad that the finalists are children. Well, then, maybe ya'll should have been able to sing. Just sayin'.
Beyonce is going to sing again. That's cool with me. That was strange.
Ok. This is just dumb. Now we're watching Spiderman the musical apparently. No thank you. Even if it is Bono.
Steven Tyler is going to perform. Not only that, he's performing "Dream On." That was incredible. That's how you do scream notes, James. Also, note the scarf. You're not special.
Finally. We will figure out which child has won American Idol.
It's Scotty McCreery. I can't believe it. I wish that Lauren had won just simply because I called it from the beginning. But way to go Scotty! Way to make sure James didn't win. Scotty says he can't believe it and thanks the Lord. Way to go.
I don't know, people. I'd like to say I'll never watch again. But I'll probably get sucked in. Of course, I'll have a baby by this time next year, so maybe I won't have time for it. And also, I'll probably love The X Factor so much that I'll forget American Idol ever existed.
Paul just muttered "here's hoping" under his breath.
Thanks for reading.
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