So this is late....

American Idol is telling us that our votes will help send the contestants home. Let’s hope that tactic works and the American teenage public gets confused and votes for someone other than James incessantly, sending him home a loser. I really honestly doubt the American public can be that stupid, but as evidenced 2 weeks ago, stranger/stupider things have happened. This is American Idol.
It really baffles me that Ryan Seacrest has my brother’s hairstyle.
In 14 days, Haley, Scotty, Lauren or James will be crowned American Idol. Lauren forgot the front of her dress.
Two songs from everyone this week. Song 1 will be an “inspirational” song. I can’t wait to see what gems they drum up for THAT. Second song will be from the catalogue of Leiber and Stoller, who wrote “On Broadway” and “Jailhouse Rock.” Ryan says that the mentor they brought in is a music legend. Then he says Lady Gaga mentored the contestants. So I’m not really sure who the mentor was…. I’m also unclear as to how Gaga and Leiber and Stoller are related…
James is first with his “inspirational” song, Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’”, I enjoy this song. So I’m bummed that he’s going to ruin it with his screaming. And he’s already yelling at everyone to sing along, including Randy. Who was in Journey. Which I’m sure he’ll say 12 times in his critique. Glee’s version was better than this. Thanks for pointing up and down, James, I was unclear about those directional lyrics. He’s slightly under the pitch. And can I just say, that I actually prefer Adam Lambert to him. That’s right, if someone held a gun to my head and told me I had to decide who was a better “musician” between James Durbin and Adam Lambert, I would choke back my own vomit and say Adam Lambert. Steven Tyler: “That’s a little taste of what’s to come right James?” James: “Maybe.” Me: “Oh dear heaven, I hope not.” This just in, James is wearing a Journey t-shirt. Poser. Jenny from the Block (who is sporting Selenas hair and will henceforth be called Selenas): “It’s so great to listen to you and then hear you go into your upper register. Me and Randy listen for that vibrato at the end, because Steven is too busy smoking under the table to pay attention. You pulled it out.” Me: “She actually didn’t say the part about Steven smoking. But she may as well have, her critique could have used some purpose.” Randy Yo Dawg: “Listen, you’re paying such homage to my friends I had the pleasure of playing with (1), in one of the greatest rock bands of all time, Journey (2). Also, one of the greatest singers other than Steven Tyler, Steve Perry (3).” Me: “My English teacher was in Journey? I never knew….” Paul: “Randy is so cool, he can namedrop HIMSELF.” James had the fear of Jimmy instilled in him and decided to get back in the game. I would like him to get back out. But he probably will make it to the final. Le sigh.
Haley is next. She’s inspired by “The Earth Song” by Michael Jackson, further solidifying that she is a raging hippy. Also, Paul has now shunned her completely, Amish-style. Or at least Dwight Schrute style. She’s back to annoying the heckness out of me. Her hair is the best part of this. Take it back the weird choir sitting on the stairs is the best part. The last line of this “song” is “What about uuuuuuussssssss?” Me: “What ABOUT you? I really don’t see the big deal.” Selenas: “You were supposed to pick a song that inspired you, I felt that you did pick a song that really inspired you. I felt that I could feel your feeling, I could feel it the way you were singing it. All of that I loved. Here’s the thing about where we’re at in the competition, James sets the bar with a great song, everybody was on their feet, you gotta think about song choice. That song has a beautiful message, no doubt, but choose things based on what everybody else is doing.” Me: “I think I dis/agree with this. I get what Selenas is saying as far as picking songs to win, but if she really is inspired by Michael Jackson’s fairy song, then so be it. Let her make her own bed.” Randy Yo Dawg: “Yo.” Me: “That’s a bad yo, yo.” Randy Yo Dawg: “The thing right now is, who wants to win this. I didn’t like it because it confused me as far as who you are as an artist, you don’t have those chops. I thought you were screaming.” Haley is arguing like an annoying little teenage girl. Oh Mylanta I do not like her. Steven Tyler: “Don’t listen to them. You nailed it. Oh, and I’m smoking weed under the table.”
Scotty. Please, please, please sing “Where Were You when the World Stopped Turnin’” Because of the whole OBL thing… What would it mean for Scotty to be in the top 3. Scotty would kiss grass and eat fried chicken. Holy. Cow. Scotty is singing “Where Were You when the World Stopped Turnin’” Oh. My. Heaven. I’m so happy. I literally did not know he was going to sing it. Dude. And he’s playing guitar. I wish I had voted last night!!!!! Scotty is proud to be an American. We’re proud to have you. This is awesome. I don’t care who ya are, that’s good right there. Randy Yo Dawg: “Yo, you know, uhhh, that’s an amazing song by Alan Jackson and I can tell you are inspired that song. I applaud you for singing that song. Those lyrics “I’m just a simple guy, singin’ simple songs?” I hope that you keep that, you’re ready for superstardom.” Steven Tyler: “You have passion, keep it up, it was beautiful.” Selenas is in love with him. And so am I. Also, brilliant song choice. No one could possibly vote against that song this week. If you did, you’re un-American.
Lauren is singing “Anyway” by Martina McBride. For the record, I had to listen to her say it twice and get Paul to translate what the world she said. Man, she has a thick accent! I predict a moment. She’s inspired by this song because of the storms and devastation in the south and in her hometown. That was incredible. There was a moment. A chills moment. Steven Tyler: “You did it again. You broke my heart. It was perfect.” Selenas: “ That was very good, you’re listening to us. We’re trying to make you get to the final.” Randy Yo Dawg: “The Lauren we all love is back in it to win it! Yo, that was hawt!”
Randy is being accused of being mean. He’s not being mean, he’s being honest. Which is totally different from ohnest, that was Simon’s deal.
Huh, so Gaga really is the mentor? Whatevs. She is a loon.
I’m gonna be real, if I was an American Idol contestant and they told me Lady Gaga was going to mentor me, I’d be like, naw I’m good. And then if she showed up looking like THAT, I’d be like, NAW I’M REAL GOOD!
Haley is back up. She’s singing “I Who Have Nothing,” Haley and Gaga had a connection from the start. According to Haley. Lady Crazy tells Haley to be dramatic. Easy. Ok, really, if she sang like this all the time, Haley would be not as annoying. I just don’t get it. Consistency is the key, lady! That was actually pretty good. All of the judges are standing and Selenas is pointing and yelling at her all ghetto fabulous like. Selenas tells her that’s why they never go easy on her. She also said it’s one of the best performances of the year. Randy Yo Dawg says she had a moment that put her in it to win it.
Scotty is up. He’s singing “Young Blood.” Lady Gaga may or may not have sexually harassed Scotty McCreery. Jimmy Iovine “Scotty McCreery and Lady Gaga, it’s a perfect fit….chuckle.” Scotty said he prayed to God and told Him this was not his doing, when he had to sit down with Gaga.  He’s back with his smirkiness! But I just don’t care anymore. Oh, Scotty, you’re just too sweet and crazy for words. Randy Yo Dawg: “Did you have a good time? I love that you come out and do a serious song, then a funny song. You were funny with Gaga.” Scotty: “There ain’t nothin’ you can do but laugh.” Steven Tyler: “You made Gaga’s yaya go lala.” Now Steven Tyler is sexually harassing Scotty. Selenas: “You’re really hittin’ your stride right now, now it’s a sprint to the finish line. Do something totally new next week.” Me: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
Lauren is wearing a 60 year old woman’s jacket complete with shoulder pads. What happened? She’s singing “Trouble” by Elvis Presley. She’s scared to sing the word evil. Gaga tells her it’s ok to be evil. Okie dokie then. Paul is choking. This is a weak song choice for me for you for her for all. Steven Tyler: “I don’t know if I believe it or not. Also, I think I may be still stoned.” Selenas: “You had a performance quality I’ve never seen in you before.” Randy Yo Dawg: “We saw a fun side with a rocker attitude and bluesy runses. I really enjoyed it.” Me: “What are runses??”
Wait, so the real dude from Lieber and Stoller is here and HE’S not mentoring the kidlets? What the???
James is singing Love Potion Number 9. Lady Gaga reminds James that Elvis bothered people because he moved his lips. I have two things to say. 1) Elvis did not sing this song. 2) James does not need to do anything to bother people. He is already successful in that arena. This is still uber annoying. That’s it James, milk this moment for all it’s worth. You’re still irritating. Huh. Steven looks less than amused. Selenas: “That showed me you can sing anything.” Randy Yo Dawg: “Hopefully, all 4 of you are in it to win it. You slayed Journey (4). You are what I love about sports. You’re peaking at the right time.” Steven Tyler: “Incredible. What you can’t do with your voice, you did tonight.” I feel like that’s a backhanded compliment. Maybe Steven is smarter than us all…
My prediction is that Haley is done for. Bottom 2: Haley and James

REWIND: I just watched the results from last week (a week late, I know) and holy cow in a haystack. James is gone! This is the best news I've received in the last 24 hours. Literally.