Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Most Predictable Idol Win Ever

The finalists are singing a song that Joshua already killed DEAD earlier in the season. And they are all wearing white, as per usual. The worst part of this is that I have to see DeAndre's hair. The judges spared no article of shiny and over the top clothing in determining the attire for the finale. Ryan Seacrest looks like he's going to prom. 132 million people voted. Phillip looks like he escaped from a mental institution in those white clothes. Phillip is going to sing with John Fogerty from CCR. Finally, a relevant musician guesting on American Idol! Oh, and they let Phillip put on non-white clothes. Good. This is just marvelous. Sure, it's not the most technically amazing performance, but it's so Phillip and it's just easy. Phillip gets to talk! He's introducing "Bad Moon Rising." This is just awesome. I'm rewinding because Paul is missing this. Now he's watching. And he just said, "Phillip could do a cover of CCR and I wouldn't hate it." This is a big deal, because Paul loooooooooooooves CCR. Almost as much as he loves me. And that's a lot. So he says. He's singing along. I feel like the choker John Fogerty is wearing is to hide the fact that he is actually headless. Like if the choker wasn't there his head would roll away from the rest of him. Paul says that's true. Now I'm even more freaked out. That was awesome. Seriously and fuh reals. All the terrible auditions are being relived. Why? Why must you do this to us? They were painful when they happened and they're painful now. Joshua is going to sing "Take Me to the Pilot" by Lady Elton John. He is wearing a jacket made of tin foil and Christmas tinsel. Fantasia is singing now. And she, I can't find the words to describe how she looks. This is also a very strange song and performance. I did not really enjoy it. Boo. Edit to add: I agree. She needs a friend or a mirror. OH MY GOODNESS! Jimmy Iovine calls Jennifer Lopez Jessica instead. I love it! Why do I love it so much? Because for YEARS I have been mistakenly called Jennifer. But my name is Jessica. FINALLY, the tables have turned on the Jennifers of the world! VINDICATION FOR JESSICAS WORLDWIDE!!!!! Too much?? Apparently Jimmy has a daughter named Jessica. no excuse. Erika Van Pelt went back to blonde. Good move. Elise is still awesome. I think the goal of tonight's finale is to be as sparkly as possible. Shannon is still very emotive and very pitchy dawg and freakishly tall. Bebica decided to join the ladies of the top 12. Just long enough to sing approximately 6 words before being interrupted by Chaka Khan. Why are there so many unitards on this show??? Sue Sylvester is getting DOWN with her bad self. I am just thoroughly confused by all of this. Paul: "That compilation of women really IS every woman!" The Ford Music Video is a compilation of all of the Ford Music Videos. Since it would have been awkward to do a video with just Bebica since Phillip has to have dialysis or whatever. Which does not necessarily mean he got sympathy votes. I think it's actually because he's original and not boring. Phillip's music mentor is his brother in law. Normal. Bebica's music mentor is her family friend who is exceptionally older than her and seems slightly grabby. Not normal. They get new cars. So do Phillip and Bebica. Rihanna needs an entire performance to herself. I do not support this. Fastforwarding. Skylar is going to sing "Turn on the Radio." Which means Reba will join her. Which I fully support. Afro fiddle guy!!!!!! YES!!!!! As Paul said, if any of the women deserve to be in the finale it's Skylar. That's right SKYLAR! NOT HOLLIE. That was awesomazing. That's a combo of awesome and amazing. Steven Tyler's dressing room. He has a sloth. And an old lady and man making out. Ew. And other various oddities. Bebica is singing "I Will Always Love You." They sure are setting her up to win aren't they? Too bad they're wrong. Now the boys are singing. I almost called them men. But that would be wrong. Oh, I still hate Colton's voice. And they're singing Neil Diamond so I don't have a lot of hope for this. Who is that kid between Joshua and DeAndre's Hair? Oh, yeah. Jeremy. DeAndre's hair is even more annoying than it was during the season. At least the guys are not sparkly. Joshua is attempting to redeem this. Too little, too late. Where is Neil? We need Neil. Here he is. Finally. He is old. So old he can't sing. :( That was kind of difficult to watch. They are now making fun of Randy saying people can sing the phonebook. By having the contestants sing the phone book. It's hilarity. Jenny from the Block is performing twice. SELENAS!!!!!!! She is also sparkly. And apparently this first song will be involved in the movie Step Up Revolution. Eventually they will have a Step Up with your walker. I mean really, how many Step Ups do you need? It's turning into Die Hard or Friday the 13th or Saw or Batman. Now Jenny from the Block is not wearing a shirt and telling me to jump. No. You cannot make me jump. That was disturbing. Ace Young and Diana DeGarmo are dating. They were on American Idol a million years ago. And now they're engaged, after some very awkward product placement. That was incredibly strange. I hope Ace cuts his hair. Hollie is singing "You Never Walk Alone" which is a song from one of my favorite musicals. So I'm going to have to fast it's Jordin Sparks. This is a very strange pairing. It could also mean that no major superstars wanted to sing with Hollie. Paul just said Jordin's hair is longer than Hollie. HA! Robin Gibb died. We're sad. And we're trying to kill me by butchering BeeGees songs. Fastforward. Bebica is performing with Jennifer Holliday "And I Am Telling You." Jennifer Holliday has a very very large mouth. And it's making me laugh so hard. I'm weeping openly I'm laughing so hard. I can't even hear the performance. Holy. I just fell on the floor I was laughing so hard. And Paul is choking to death. Oh seriously, if you fastforwarded through that, please go YouTube it. You will not be sorry. Her face! Her Face! HER FACE! Aerosmith! Stop. It. NOW! May not be my cup of tea per SE, but come on, Steven Tyler and Joe Perry= Legen (wait for it) dary! Sweet. Demi Lovato and Britney Spears are judging X Factor now? What the? Demi Lovato is approximately 7 and Britney is about as stable as Iran. Bebica and Phillip are singing "Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong." Can we just finish this now? I have ice cream waiting. Here comes Edward with the results. They are official. They are counted. And they are certified. No hanging chads here, people. Phillip Phillips wins! DUH! White guy with guitar, FOR THE WIN! Scotty McReery is about to hand Phillip the white guy guitar so he can officially be the white guy with a guitar who won American Idol. He is going to sing, "Home" again. Which is great. Yay. I'm glad he won. Even if he is a white guy with a guitar.

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