People from outer space or some place are telling us about this round of auditions. Oh wait, now it's Ryan Seacrest. I always knew he was an alien life form.
They are in Houston. Well, HQ is in Houston. The judges are actually in Galveston.
Fong Vu knew the judges right away. As evidenced by him looking over his shoulder and saying "Steven Tyler!...Right...Steven Tyler?" He is not totally "with it." I'm not entirely convinced that he is not disabled. And this makes me angry. I don't enjoy when they put people on that may or may not be disabled, not because I don't think they should have a shot too, but because I know that part of the reason they got put on in the first place is so that they can be mocked and made fun of. It's upsetting. But anyway, Fong loves to sing female pop artists like Selena Dion and Jenny from the Block. He actually referred to Jenny from the Block as Jenny from the Block. And his name is not Fong. It's Phong. Steven Tyler and Jenny from the Block are at least being gentle with him. Randy Jackson is just being a jerk.
Don't mess with Texas.
Montage of terrible. Cameron Dobbins, Lamounte Hall, a kid who tries to be Scotty McReery (why??!!)...wow that was all very strange.
Skylar shoots deer, works in her family's restaurant, and is sweet. I haven't even heard her sing and I want her to win. Seriously. She is VERY country and VERY good. She's through. She will make it to the live show. Guaranteed. I was right about Lauren, remember?
Bailey Brown auditioned in season 6, went to Hollywood, forgot lyrics, went home and now she's back. And her name is Baylie. Why can't people spell names the way they're supposed to be spelled? She's ok. But if you forget lyrics, you're dead to me. Dead. To. Me.
Kristine has 3 kids and is getting divorced. So obviously the logical, responsible thing to do with 3 small children is to audition for American Idol. Oh yeah, and also you should take out a loan, intended to pay your divorce lawyer, and then buy a plane ticket to audition for American Idol instead. Yep, very responsible decision. She's through.
I don't like that the judges just say yes without telling the REASON they like the contestants voices. It's almost like they just go with their gut reaction. Of course it could also be that Nigel holds up a green light or a stop sign. Or that part is edited out.
We're still worried about the International Space Station. I thought the Space Program was dead?
The judges are fighting. Ruh-roh.
Rachael Turner is not great. Jenny from the Block is mad because the boys know she is not great (Rachael, not Jenny) and say no. Reagan Wilson is actually pretty good and the boys say no again. Cheyenne James has a really interesting voice. The boys say no again. I would also like to point out that all three of these young women are what I would consider "average" looking or "only slightly mildly attractive." I will now have my husband, a male, watch. On the rewatch: Paul has classified all three women as either "average" or "mildly attractive." My theory? They did not go through based on this fact. Their voices were at least as good as some of the contestants that had already gone through and were considered more attractive. Lame sauce.
Linda Williams appears to be in pain while singing Alicia Keyes "Fallin'" A)This song is O.VER.DONE. B) She is more worried about doing lots of runs than actually singing the song. C) Paul and I both agree that she is slightly less average looking than the previous three contestants. D) Paul and I also agree that her voice is slightly less pleasing than the previous three contestants. And wouldn't you know it? The boys like her and Jenny from the Block, who's judgment is surprisingly unimpaired this audition round, does not. But because majority rules...Linda is through.
The hair and makeup people are trying really hard to fix Steven Tyler and Jenny from the Block, but they are leaving Randy Yo Dawg alone. I would think he would need just as much fixing as the other two do.
Jenny from the Block: "I was so angry, I literally almost had an anxiety attack." Me: "Being angry does not usually induce an anxiety attack. And also, literally means literally, not figuratively."
Ok, so I'm now almost two weeks behind. So now we will commence with speed Idoling.
The rest of the Texas auditions were ho-hum. I enjoyed the last audition from Texas, the worship leader that sang, "Amazing Grace/My Chains are Gone." But I was hoping for a better performance from him.
Now we're in Portland. Paul has been to Portland. He says there are strange people there. I have friends who live in Portland. They're probably the only not strange people there.
The contestants having Flip video recorders are kind of silly.
Brittany loves Sara Bareilles. She supposedly sang with her on stage. She is clumsy. She has a unique voice. It's really pretty. She's through.
Ben is congested. He's from Philadelphia. I hate Philadelphia. Hate might be a strong word. He's singing Lady Gaga. Yeah, we don't need to listen to this.
Jermaine Johnson is a Momma's Boy. His words. He's tall. He's singing "Superstar" by Luther Vandross. I did not know that was by Luther. Learn something new everyday. He has a nice tone to his voice. When he goes deep the tone of his voice changes completely. He sings the lyric "I love you" as "I luh you." Paul says he likes it. He's not sure it was good, but he likes it. He's through to Hollywood.
Britnee has a large fan club with her. She is a single Mom to two small children, her husband ran out on her. She's singing "You're No Good." Every time someone sings this song on Idol I always think of when someone else did it and Simon told them "You're right, you are no good." Except she was actually pretty good. She's through to Hollywood.
Sam Gershman belongs on Broadway. And by Broadway I mean Broadway in Portland. She's over the top bubbly. They all say no. Which I'm ok with.
David Weed is nerdalicious. And he belongs on Broadway with Sam Gershman. In Portland. He's not going to Hollywood. No kidding.
Ryan and the camera crew just ran by the window hiding in bushes. What?
Romeo is from Liberia. I know this is wrong to say but, again, this is American Idol. Emphasis on the American. He was in Ghana in a refugee camp for several years. He's glad to be in America. His voice sounds like sunshine. He's through to Hollywood. His peeps do not know who Ryan is. HA!
Naomi is singing an Aerosmith song. Which is brave. Since Steven is RIGHT THERE. She is kind of unimpressive. But the judges disagree with me. So what do I know? She's through to Hollywood.
Montage of No followed by montage of Angry. Favorite part? "Don't make me go all Naomi Campbell all over you!"
Ben is an interesting looking person. He is also an annoying person. He says he has played in lots of bands and he gets kicked out because he looks like a baby. Randy questions whether maybe he gets kicked out because he's not very good. The Manbaby says that's not true. The Manbaby has lied. We cannot find anyone for you to love, Manbaby. No one has volunteered for that. He really does look like a baby doll head on a man's body. He's going to be on America's Most Wanted someday.
Jessica Phillips is auditioning next. Her boyfriend had a massive stroke, didn't know who she was when he woke up, and she is now taking care of him. She had a decent audition. Not, like blow my socks off or anything, but it was decent. I can tolerate it.
Now the St. Louis Auditions. Carrie Underwood auditioned here.
Walter the Taxi Driver does not find this amusing. He points out that 20,000 people are all trying to become famous. And that it sure beats working for the day. He's just makin' a point.
Steven Tyler has a ridiculous fan club.
Johnny Keyser is singing "Change is Gonna Come." Which is a little silly because he's white. But anyway. I don't hate him. If he can play the guitar, he will win this show. White, check. Male, check. Guitar, possibly.
Rachelle is a single Mom and she wants to be an American Idol. She was married but her husband held her back from her dreams. Or maybe he just really wanted you to take care of your family. I mean, yeah, I would like to be a musician, but I have a husband and a son and somethings are more important than my own unlikely dreams. Anyway, she has a very country voice. I don't exactly like it. But I don't exactly hate it. She's through. I'm not convinced she didn't get through just because she brought her daughter in with her.
Montage of No.
Glee Club saved Reis' life. Seriously. He's singing "Lean on Me." It's pretty good. But I feel like he will eventually go all David Archuleta on me. I did not enjoy David Archuleta. He also adds "ah" on the end of words. Steven Tyler said he made him cry. Reis is through to Hollywood.
Ethan is a high school dropout. He joined a band with his Dad. That's awesome parenting right there. His Dad is now in drug and alcohol rehab. His voice is nothing special for me for you. And the cut on his eyebrow is very distracting. Randy asks for the vote. Randy: "Jennifer?" Jennifer: "I say yes." Randy: "Randy?" *three second delay* "I say yes." Steven: "And I say yes." Paul: "Wait, wait, wait. Did Randy just call on himself?" Me: "It was his alter ego Yo-Dawg calling on Randy." Anyway, Ethan is through to Hollywood. I hope somebody gives him a bandaid.
Jacob Lusk is auditioning again? Oh, no. His name is Mark. But he is a DEAD RINGER for Jacob Lusk. From the crazy hip action to the over-singing to the lack of pitch. Steven tells him that he loves everything except the melody. So mean. He's been told no. Twice now.
Lauren Grey runs a bridal shop with her family. A one stop bridal shop. She also plays in a band with her Dad, who looks remarkably like Ozzy Osbourne. Lauren is singing an Adele song, she's a little shouty. But the judges love her. Jenny from the Block is crying because it's a song about love. And she's getting divorced. Uh-Gan. She's through to Hollywood. They are promoting Lauren Gray as the next Carrie Underwood since they both auditioned in St Louis and blew the judges away. I say, if she ends up in the finals, it is official that Idol is fixed.
Hollywood week is next week. Well, this week. Whatever.
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