It May Actually Be the End of the World

It's finally here folks. The end of the most outrageously disappointing season of American Idol ever. More to come on whether I will be back next season.

Anyway, we all know the contestants are Lauren and Scotty. One of them will win. But before we get to the point of this whole thing, we need to be subjected to performances by all the terrible contestants and Casey Abrams. First up, "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga.

First off, why are we all wearing white? Ya'll look like Michelin Man. Secondly, why is this song a hit? It's TERRIBLE. Oh look, there's Pia wearing a dress that is entirely too short. Ashthon and Naima are wearing tin foil for pants and boots. Lauren has a tin foil shirt. And soulcrusher earrings.

Why are we giving the 4th runner up of American Idol the chance to play with "Rock Royalty?" Such balderdash! He's playing with Judas Priest so this promises to be full of screaming and much eye rolling for my part. The man that I can only assume is Judas is frightening. As a matter of fact, I don't think I want to subject my unborn child to this display. I fast forwarded when James started flashing his armpit hair at me. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! James just tried to scream into his microphone and it was turned off! That was fantastic!

Yay. We're going to harass the judges. This should be dull. Randy asks questions. Well, he used to. Now, he doesn't ask questions. He's resigned himself to the fact that there is no explanation for what has happened to American Idol. Jenny from the Block and Steven Tyler will be harassed later.

JacobPaul gets to sing again for some unspeakable reason. He's going to sing with Kirk Franklin. Kirk must really be in need of some cash flow. I don't know if I have the strength for this. Also, Kirk Franklin is 80 years old. Wait, he (JacobPaul) doesn't have robot monitors. And now, Gladys Knight is singing with them. She has nowhere better to be? Like, anywhere but here? Oh, see, I thought maybe since JacobPaul didn't have robot monitors that he could suddenly miraculously sing on pitch, but I was wrong, see, because he just made Gladys Knight sound bad. Kirk Franklin is tiny compared to JacobPaul. JacobPaul might eat him. Oh, goodness. Kirk is going to have a coronary up there with all his jumping about. Oh, that's over. We survived.

FINALLY. A previous contestant that is worth listening to again. OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's singing Fat Bottom Girls with JACK BLACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE JACK BLACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's seriously amazing! Oh good grief. I could literally cry at the tragedy that is the fact that Casey Abrams is not in this final with just about anyone.

The ladies of the Top 13. Meh. They're singing "Single Ladies". I forgot about Thia. She still annoys me. Naima is having a seizure. Oh. Pia. Yep. She's still annoying too. Now they're just yelling at me. Oh we're slowing down. Must mean Pia is going to sing by herself soon. Proven wrong. She's singing a fast song. 3 planes have successfully been landed. Beyonce is here. She is seriously fierce. None of those girls hold a teeny tiny candle to the beast of Beyonce.

We will now be harassing Steven Tyler. We're pointing out all the inappropriate comments Steven made. Personally, I think we didn't have enough of those comments.

Haley and Tony Bennett are singing together. I'll give you this, Haley has a really good voice. That was very sweet.

Jenny from the Block will now be harassed. We're pointing out that the contestants have all been in love with Jenny from the Block/J-Lo/Selenas/Jennifer Lopez. She got very emotional about it. Like "They like me! They really like me!"

Lil Jon and TLC and the ladies of the top 13 are performing. What? Why? Technically, it's just T and C. But that may be hitting below the belt. Sorry, Left-Eye. Is it possible that T and C have not aged at all. I'm having serious trauma about these songs and dance moves. I don't think any of these people are actually singing. That was very strange and discombobulated.

Scotty and Tim McGraw are going to sing "Live Like You Were Dying." I like Tim McGraw. I think he's nice. That was fine. It was kind of boring.

Jenny appears to have left the building.

We're highlighting all the terrible people. Including the idiot who landed on the other idiot while doing a backflip. And the chicken girl.

Marc Anthony is going to perform. Oh good. He's like Ricky Ricardo if Ricky Ricardo was annoying. Jenny from the Block is going to dance for him now. This is awkward. That was too much information.

There's a debate about who was more shocking to be eliminated. Casey or James. It's supposed to satirical. But here's the thing. I feel like Casey's jabs at James are actually more factual than James'. Perhaps the funniest line is James: "Randy said I was gonna win the whole thing. He said I was in it to win it." Me: "Hey, dude, he said that about EVERYONE. You're not special!" Pia thinks she was shocking. No, that was necessary.

Top 13 guys. Good grief they drag this thing out forever. Paul McDonald's dance! YES!!!!! We have had Prince, someone else, and now Tom Jones. What's going on??? This is officially the strangest medley ever.

Scotty and Lauren gave their teachers cars. Then they got cars. Are Scotty and Lauren even old enough to drive?

Lady Gaga. WHY? Oh that's sad. She got stuck in her curtains and couldn't get it off her head in time to come to the show. Probably because she had to go rock climbing as soon as she got to the show. Oh! She got it off! Now she looks like a drugged up Xena, Warrior Princess. Xena watch out! A creepy guy is sneaking up behind you. Dude. One of those faceless dudes from the bar in Star Wars is playing the saxophone. I think Lady Gaga and that scary guy are fornicating on the stage. Incidentally, that scary guy was on So You Think You Can Dance a few seasons ago. Can't remember his name.

Preview for HP and preview for X-Factor. Both will be epic.

Lauren Alaina is singing "Before He Cheats" and now Carrie (American Idol Extraordinaire) is joining her. She is the first Idol I ever actually thought was awesome. I remember watching her finale and thinking she was amazing. Also, Carrie just sang circles around Lil Miss Lauren.

The others are mad that the finalists are children. Well, then, maybe ya'll should have been able to sing. Just sayin'.

Beyonce is going to sing again. That's cool with me. That was strange.

Ok. This is just dumb. Now we're watching Spiderman the musical apparently. No thank you. Even if it is Bono.

Steven Tyler is going to perform. Not only that, he's performing "Dream On." That was incredible. That's how you do scream notes, James. Also, note the scarf. You're not special.

Finally. We will figure out which child has won American Idol.

It's Scotty McCreery. I can't believe it. I wish that Lauren had won just simply because I called it from the beginning. But way to go Scotty! Way to make sure James didn't win. Scotty says he can't believe it and thanks the Lord. Way to go.

I don't know, people. I'd like to say I'll never watch again. But I'll probably get sucked in. Of course, I'll have a baby by this time next year, so maybe I won't have time for it. And also, I'll probably love The X Factor so much that I'll forget American Idol ever existed.

Paul just muttered "here's hoping" under his breath.

Thanks for reading.

Are We There Yet?

The final showdown is here! And we're watching home videos of Carrie Underwood and David Cook. And now videos of Lauren Alaina and Scotty McCreery. Are they trying to say that Lauren and Scotty are equal to Carrie and David? 'Cause that's just not right.

They're at the Nokia Theatre. Paul and I have been there for Passion LA, which was an amazing, amazing, amazing experience.

Ryan is wearing a tux. Wow.

Youngest finale matchup ever. Lauren is shiny. Scotty got all dressed up for the occasion. Apparently, Lauren had some issue with her voice tonight. But she says she's here, ready to sing and she's fine. Then Ryan brings out a Dr. to tell us that Lauren is on steroids. I call foul.

Round 1 will be the contestants favorite song of the season. Round 2 will be the Idols Idol choosing. Carrie Underwood will choose for Lauren. George Strait will choose for Scotty. Hrm. Ok. Round 3 will be the cheesetastic single that each of them will release should they win the competition.

Scotty is first, he chose to sing "Gone" again. It was actually pretty good. In fact, I think he may win. The judges aren't talking?! This should be fantastic.

OMGravy, So You Think You Can Dance starts Thursday! YES!

Lauren is singing "Flat on the Floor," I don't remember this song. Oh wait, yes I do. It's a Carriewood number. Wow. They are both in it to win it, yo dawg. Jenny from the Block really seemed to enjoy that.

Round 1 goes to Scotty, in my book.

Ok, it's a little bit of overkill for the contestants to have 4 numbers. I mean, really? Is that necessary?

Glee's finale is tonight too. Oh heavens.

George Strait has Scotty singing "Check Yes or No." And Scotty is playing guitar. Which is a good move. I bet the fiddle player dude is pleased that both of these guys are country peeps. Job security and all that. This is problematic, because no one knows that song. But little girls don't care if they know the song. They will vote.

Lauren is singing "Maybe it was Memphis", as chosen by Carrie Underwood. Lauren looks like she's wearing a Barbie dress. This is underwhelming. The whole thing is underwhelming. She was also a little off on her timing at one point. So help me if we have another commercial right now.

Ryan asks the judges for their thoughts on the first two rounds. Randy Yo Dawg, who is channeling Soul Train for his wardrobe this evening, says it's even. Then he says Scotty won round 1 and Lauren won round 2.

Jenny from the Block says everything was amazing and crazy.

Steven says if they sang it better, they would be in the American Idol finals. Then he says Lauren won both rounds because she's prettier.

And Randy Yo Dawg has now added that they are both in it to win it.

I don't understand what's happening now. Oh, ok. Apparently, we at home helped write this song that Taio Cruz is going to sing. I will not take any responsibility for this. It's terrible. The microphone cut out for a good 3 measures. Even the microphone knew the song was awful.

The single that will be released if Scotty wins. Wait, so the kidlets don't have to sing the same song as each other about flying over a rainbow with unicorns and butterflies? Awesome.

He's singing a song called "I'm Gonna Love You This Big." Seriously, that fiddle player is getting a LOT of work tonight. Also, the sound mixing is bad to the point of distraction. This is by far the most underwhelming finale of Idol ever. Honestly. Randy Yo Dawg is marveling in the fact that they have two, young, country artists. I am marveling at the fact that someone let Randy come on TV with a collar that is bigger than the Nokia Theatre. Jenny from the Block said he did an amazing job with a song no one has heard. Steven Tyler says he's come a long way, baby. And he can make a 3 point shot from under the net. What??!!?? Scotty can't believe he's here. You're not the only one, sweetheart.

EEK! X-FACTOR! SIMON COWELL!

James is in the audience. HEH-HEH!

Lauren is going to sing "Like My Mother Does." what? This is very strange. I don't understand these songs. Ok, that was sweet. She went and hugged her Mommy while she sang. So sweet. And really very beautiful, actually. Lauren will win, because of that. And because I called it. Randy Yo Dawg says it was a great Ode to her Mom. Way to use the word Ode. Jenny from the Block says Lauren may have just won because of that song. She's reading my mind. I need to purge my mind immediately. Steven Tyler enjoys Mom's. Steven says she is his American Idol.

The judges have all said that Lauren won. Which means they want Scotty to win. So there ya go. I will now go vote for Lauren.

Oh wait, David Cook! One of the best performers to come out of Idol. He's singing "Don't You Forget About Me." We won't. Don't worry.

It's the Final Countdown

Duh-nuh-nuh-nuhhhhh....duhnuhnuhnuhnuh.....duh-nuh-nuh-nuhhhh....duhnuhnuhnuh-nuhnuh-nuhnuhnuh-nuhnuhnuh-duhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhhhhh....nuhhhh-nuhhhhhhhh.....

95 million votes. Wow.

The top 4 got to meet J.J. Abrams. They should ask him to explain the finale of LOST. Oh. This explains why Lauren had that weird camera with her on her hometown visit. J.J. had them use Super 8 cameras on their hometown visits. Does this mean that James had to give his back? 'Cause that would be hilarious.

Elle Fanning is in the movie and is in the audience. Her 6 year old cousin is obsessed with American Idol. She's got nothin' on me. She picked her favorite from the beginning and Elle is having a really difficult time spilling who it is. She's giggling and being dumb and is not nearly as poised as her sister Dakota. The favorite was Scotty.

Haley lives in Wheeling, Illinois. It rained on her parade. But they all still came. Oh my goodness, her sister looks just like her. She's very grateful and she's crying. She did a concert with her whole family. That's actually pretty cool. Aaron the security guy is crying. Or not.

Ryan is talking to a tiny tot. She's screaming and sighing in the microphone.

Ford Music Video set to "Smile." Cool.

Il Volo is singing. They're basically the Italian Jonas Brothers. Except they can actually sing. In fact, the Idol contestants are now afraid that they'll actually win the whole thing instead of any of the three of them. This is officially the best guest musician Idol has had on the show this season. Who are these people? Where did they come from? What's happening? The world really IS ending!

Scotty went home to North Carolina. He was happy. He's so genuinely thrilled and amazed by all this. Um. If the whole "American Idol" thing doesn't work out for Scotty, he can come pitch for the Padres. Paul is literally sitting next to me shaking his head and going "this is so ridiculous" about the girls all crying. Nice. Josh Turner just surprised Scotty while he was singing "Your Man." That was fantastic.

Nicole Scherzinger and Half Dollar (50 Cent) are going to perform. I have watched some of it. And now I will fast forward.

Lauren went home to Georgia. Georgia, Georgia, the whole day through. She went and visited the wreckage from the storms and met a little boy that saved his whole family. And I cried. She threw out the first pitch at a game. She should not try a career in baseball. Or softball. Just stick with singing.

Here we go. The results.

Scotty is the first one in. He heads to the Golden Tool Stool.

Lauren is in. Hailey is furious. And yes, I'm getting that from the look on her face. She just oozes attitude. I'm very pleased that she's gone.

O.M.Gravy. The best part of this episode was the preview of X-Factor. Paula and Simon, reunited. Two people I've never heard of. Nicole Scherzinger hosting (lame). And some other guy. 5,000,000 dollar recording contract. 4 categories. This show is going to put Idol to shame. To shame, I say. Also, I may or may not have had tears in my eyes while watching this preview.

Anyway, really either person left could win. It would be great if Lauren won, just because I called it in the post where she auditioned. Don't believe me? Look it up.

Top(ish) 3

The final three will be performing three songs. One chosen by the judges (which will be lame), one chosen by Jimmy Iovine (which will be fantastical), and one chosen by themselves (which will be lame for Haley, fantastical for Scotty, and really could go either way for Lauren).

They all went home. They were very happy. Lauren even used an old school video camera to record it. Strange.

Sidebar: I officially enjoy the Voice more than I enjoy American Idol. Also of note, I absolutely cannot, cannot, cannot wait for the arrival of the X-Factor complete with Mr. Simon Cowell and Ms. Paula Abdul as judges. Reunited. And it feels SO good.

Priscilla Presley is in the audience. That is strange.

Lauren looks like a Power Ranger in that top. Haley was attacked by an ostrich. Scotty looks normal.

Beyonce is going to help the contestants with their song choice. They are doing a montage of her songs/performances and Paul may or may not be singing along with "Single Ladies."

Scotty is up. He's going to sing "Amazed" by Lonestar. Beyonce finds him charming. Scotty. Fantastical choice, my friend. He is probably the smartest Idol contestant ever, besides David Cook. I stole that from Paul. Beyonce also agrees that Scotty is clever. Oh this is so sappy and sweet. HA! There are people in the audience holding up the letters of Scotty's name. Except they're spelling out S-C-O-T-Y-T. Paul says it's the angle. I say they're rednecks. I can say that. I are one. BWAHAHA!!!! Upon further review, there is one dude holding up the Y and the T. So evidently, there's only one redneck in the group. Steven Tyler tells Scotty he just keeps getting better and better. Jenny from the Block (who is sporting strange hair) thinks it was great and thinks girls love him. Randy Yo Dawg tells him he produced that song with Boyz II Men a couple years ago. And then gets to the point and tells him he knows where his lane is and he chooses great songs.

Lauren is up. She is singing "Wild One" by Faith Hill. Her ears are sprouting some sort of plant. It's unsettling. This is a fun performance. I don't particularly care for the song. It wasn't lame. It wasn't fantastical. It just was. Jenny from the Block calls her their little baby. She thinks Lauren created a moment. Randy Yo Dawg tells her she had fun and needs to be fearless. Steven Tyler tells her she's having fun and he loves the way she sang it.

Hailey is up. She is singing "What Is and What Should Never Be" by Led Zeppelin. Fail. The coolest part of this is that her Dad is playing guitar with her for this performance. How cool for him. OH MY GOSH. She just ate it on the steps and stood right back up and started singing. Mad props, for that, Miss Hailey. Seriously and for real. Randy Yo Dawg tells her she slayed it and it was one of her best performances ever. Steven Tyler tells her it was superb. Jenny from the Block tells her she did great and knows what she's doing.

The judges say Hailey won that round. Agreed.

We're rewatching Scotty's audition. Hilarious.

Jimmy Iovine is having Scotty sing "Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not?" by Thompson Square. Never heard it. But ok. Scotty looks much less awkward with a guitar. This is good. He's going to do well in the country scene. He really is. Steven Tyler tells him he never heard him deliver a chorus like that before. Jenny from the Block tells him there were moments that she loved in it. She also asks him to shave his hair for the finale. Randy Yo Dawg tells him Jimmy picked a good song for him. Duh. He felt like Scotty approached Garth status. Namedrop 2 this week. Scotty is in it to win it. As are they all.

Lauren is up again. We're watching her audition too. She was wearing Silly Bandz. Blech. And her aunt was there. What happened with her aunt? Has she been here this whole time? Jimmy chose "If I Die Young" for her to sing. OMGravy. Wow, she missed her key change. What is happening? Even though she had that crazy mistake, it was still good. That song is just strange. I never know whether to cry or love that song. Jenny from the Block tells her she has the best tone of any of the finalists. Watch out. And she points out the mistake. Helpful. Randy Yo Dawg also points it out and tells her she did great. Steven Tyler loved it.

Hailey round 2. Jimmy Iovine is having her sing a Stevie Nicks song. I have no idea what the title is. "Rhiannon" possibly? Anyway, it was good. Even with the wind machine. Randy Yo Dawg says she did a good job. Steven Tyler says she reminded him of why he loves Stevie Nicks. Jenny from the Block thought she would go a little further at the end. But she did not.

Round 2 goes to Lauren. In my opinion. 2/3 judges think Scotty won it.

Round 3 Scotty. I'm tired. Judges chose "She Believes in Me" by Kenny Rogers. I'm finishing this tomorrow or something. I'm out. Ok I'm back. Jenny from the Block apparently knows this song because she's singing along. This is actually very nice. Steven Tyler tells him he's never sang a chorus like that yet. Didn't he just say something similar to him last song? Yes he did. Steven Tyler is high again, apparently. Jenny from the Block tells him he showed them he could do it. Randy Yo Dawg will probably tell him he's in it to win it. Nope, just that it's very nicely done, dude. Awww..he's asking his Daddy how proud he is. Daddy says words can't describe it. So sweet.

So You Think You Can Dance starts soon. Hallelu.

Lauren Round 3. She's going to sing "I Hope You Dance" by LeeAnn Womack. It'll be great. She's wearing a pretty dress. The only problem I have with this is it reminds me of that terrible girl who sang this song, ruined the lyrics, and still somehow made it through Hollywood week. It was pretty. Not really a "moment," but pretty. Jenny from the Block tells her that the standing ovation she got is not for sale. Randy Yo Dawg says LeeAnn is a good friend (namedrop) and probably enjoyed it. And she looked pretty. Steven Tyler says she owns the Grand Ole Opry. I'm gonna go ahead and say that, I dunno, someone else probably owns the Grand Ole Opry. Like Crystal Gayle, or Merle Haggard, or someone who's been doing Country music a lot longer.

Hailey Round 3. Her last chance at the finale. She's singing "You Wanna Know" by Alanis Morissette. I have no idea if I spelled that correctly. This is a terrible song choice for her. Or at least a terrible key for her to sing in. And also, the lyric changes are laughable. Just pick a song that doesn't require lyric changes. She managed to run up the stairs without falling this time. Randy Yo Dawg says she's in it to win it even though her rhythm was off in parts. So a bad singer should win then?? I don't understand this show. Steven Tyler says the chorus was great. She nailed those. Just those though. Jenny from the Block says no one can match her with how high she can go and how much power she puts behind the growl. Really? No one? How about CASEY ABRAMS!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! AGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I still predict the final will be and should be Lauren and Scotty.

So this is late....

American Idol is telling us that our votes will help send the contestants home. Let’s hope that tactic works and the American teenage public gets confused and votes for someone other than James incessantly, sending him home a loser. I really honestly doubt the American public can be that stupid, but as evidenced 2 weeks ago, stranger/stupider things have happened. This is American Idol.
It really baffles me that Ryan Seacrest has my brother’s hairstyle.
In 14 days, Haley, Scotty, Lauren or James will be crowned American Idol. Lauren forgot the front of her dress.
Two songs from everyone this week. Song 1 will be an “inspirational” song. I can’t wait to see what gems they drum up for THAT. Second song will be from the catalogue of Leiber and Stoller, who wrote “On Broadway” and “Jailhouse Rock.” Ryan says that the mentor they brought in is a music legend. Then he says Lady Gaga mentored the contestants. So I’m not really sure who the mentor was…. I’m also unclear as to how Gaga and Leiber and Stoller are related…
James is first with his “inspirational” song, Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’”, I enjoy this song. So I’m bummed that he’s going to ruin it with his screaming. And he’s already yelling at everyone to sing along, including Randy. Who was in Journey. Which I’m sure he’ll say 12 times in his critique. Glee’s version was better than this. Thanks for pointing up and down, James, I was unclear about those directional lyrics. He’s slightly under the pitch. And can I just say, that I actually prefer Adam Lambert to him. That’s right, if someone held a gun to my head and told me I had to decide who was a better “musician” between James Durbin and Adam Lambert, I would choke back my own vomit and say Adam Lambert. Steven Tyler: “That’s a little taste of what’s to come right James?” James: “Maybe.” Me: “Oh dear heaven, I hope not.” This just in, James is wearing a Journey t-shirt. Poser. Jenny from the Block (who is sporting Selenas hair and will henceforth be called Selenas): “It’s so great to listen to you and then hear you go into your upper register. Me and Randy listen for that vibrato at the end, because Steven is too busy smoking under the table to pay attention. You pulled it out.” Me: “She actually didn’t say the part about Steven smoking. But she may as well have, her critique could have used some purpose.” Randy Yo Dawg: “Listen, you’re paying such homage to my friends I had the pleasure of playing with (1), in one of the greatest rock bands of all time, Journey (2). Also, one of the greatest singers other than Steven Tyler, Steve Perry (3).” Me: “My English teacher was in Journey? I never knew….” Paul: “Randy is so cool, he can namedrop HIMSELF.” James had the fear of Jimmy instilled in him and decided to get back in the game. I would like him to get back out. But he probably will make it to the final. Le sigh.
Haley is next. She’s inspired by “The Earth Song” by Michael Jackson, further solidifying that she is a raging hippy. Also, Paul has now shunned her completely, Amish-style. Or at least Dwight Schrute style. She’s back to annoying the heckness out of me. Her hair is the best part of this. Take it back the weird choir sitting on the stairs is the best part. The last line of this “song” is “What about uuuuuuussssssss?” Me: “What ABOUT you? I really don’t see the big deal.” Selenas: “You were supposed to pick a song that inspired you, I felt that you did pick a song that really inspired you. I felt that I could feel your feeling, I could feel it the way you were singing it. All of that I loved. Here’s the thing about where we’re at in the competition, James sets the bar with a great song, everybody was on their feet, you gotta think about song choice. That song has a beautiful message, no doubt, but choose things based on what everybody else is doing.” Me: “I think I dis/agree with this. I get what Selenas is saying as far as picking songs to win, but if she really is inspired by Michael Jackson’s fairy song, then so be it. Let her make her own bed.” Randy Yo Dawg: “Yo.” Me: “That’s a bad yo, yo.” Randy Yo Dawg: “The thing right now is, who wants to win this. I didn’t like it because it confused me as far as who you are as an artist, you don’t have those chops. I thought you were screaming.” Haley is arguing like an annoying little teenage girl. Oh Mylanta I do not like her. Steven Tyler: “Don’t listen to them. You nailed it. Oh, and I’m smoking weed under the table.”
Scotty. Please, please, please sing “Where Were You when the World Stopped Turnin’” Because of the whole OBL thing… What would it mean for Scotty to be in the top 3. Scotty would kiss grass and eat fried chicken. Holy. Cow. Scotty is singing “Where Were You when the World Stopped Turnin’” Oh. My. Heaven. I’m so happy. I literally did not know he was going to sing it. Dude. And he’s playing guitar. I wish I had voted last night!!!!! Scotty is proud to be an American. We’re proud to have you. This is awesome. I don’t care who ya are, that’s good right there. Randy Yo Dawg: “Yo, you know, uhhh, that’s an amazing song by Alan Jackson and I can tell you are inspired that song. I applaud you for singing that song. Those lyrics “I’m just a simple guy, singin’ simple songs?” I hope that you keep that, you’re ready for superstardom.” Steven Tyler: “You have passion, keep it up, it was beautiful.” Selenas is in love with him. And so am I. Also, brilliant song choice. No one could possibly vote against that song this week. If you did, you’re un-American.
Lauren is singing “Anyway” by Martina McBride. For the record, I had to listen to her say it twice and get Paul to translate what the world she said. Man, she has a thick accent! I predict a moment. She’s inspired by this song because of the storms and devastation in the south and in her hometown. That was incredible. There was a moment. A chills moment. Steven Tyler: “You did it again. You broke my heart. It was perfect.” Selenas: “ That was very good, you’re listening to us. We’re trying to make you get to the final.” Randy Yo Dawg: “The Lauren we all love is back in it to win it! Yo, that was hawt!”
Randy is being accused of being mean. He’s not being mean, he’s being honest. Which is totally different from ohnest, that was Simon’s deal.
Huh, so Gaga really is the mentor? Whatevs. She is a loon.
I’m gonna be real, if I was an American Idol contestant and they told me Lady Gaga was going to mentor me, I’d be like, naw I’m good. And then if she showed up looking like THAT, I’d be like, NAW I’M REAL GOOD!
Haley is back up. She’s singing “I Who Have Nothing,” Haley and Gaga had a connection from the start. According to Haley. Lady Crazy tells Haley to be dramatic. Easy. Ok, really, if she sang like this all the time, Haley would be not as annoying. I just don’t get it. Consistency is the key, lady! That was actually pretty good. All of the judges are standing and Selenas is pointing and yelling at her all ghetto fabulous like. Selenas tells her that’s why they never go easy on her. She also said it’s one of the best performances of the year. Randy Yo Dawg says she had a moment that put her in it to win it.
Scotty is up. He’s singing “Young Blood.” Lady Gaga may or may not have sexually harassed Scotty McCreery. Jimmy Iovine “Scotty McCreery and Lady Gaga, it’s a perfect fit….chuckle.” Scotty said he prayed to God and told Him this was not his doing, when he had to sit down with Gaga.  He’s back with his smirkiness! But I just don’t care anymore. Oh, Scotty, you’re just too sweet and crazy for words. Randy Yo Dawg: “Did you have a good time? I love that you come out and do a serious song, then a funny song. You were funny with Gaga.” Scotty: “There ain’t nothin’ you can do but laugh.” Steven Tyler: “You made Gaga’s yaya go lala.” Now Steven Tyler is sexually harassing Scotty. Selenas: “You’re really hittin’ your stride right now, now it’s a sprint to the finish line. Do something totally new next week.” Me: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
Lauren is wearing a 60 year old woman’s jacket complete with shoulder pads. What happened? She’s singing “Trouble” by Elvis Presley. She’s scared to sing the word evil. Gaga tells her it’s ok to be evil. Okie dokie then. Paul is choking. This is a weak song choice for me for you for her for all. Steven Tyler: “I don’t know if I believe it or not. Also, I think I may be still stoned.” Selenas: “You had a performance quality I’ve never seen in you before.” Randy Yo Dawg: “We saw a fun side with a rocker attitude and bluesy runses. I really enjoyed it.” Me: “What are runses??”
Wait, so the real dude from Lieber and Stoller is here and HE’S not mentoring the kidlets? What the???
James is singing Love Potion Number 9. Lady Gaga reminds James that Elvis bothered people because he moved his lips. I have two things to say. 1) Elvis did not sing this song. 2) James does not need to do anything to bother people. He is already successful in that arena. This is still uber annoying. That’s it James, milk this moment for all it’s worth. You’re still irritating. Huh. Steven looks less than amused. Selenas: “That showed me you can sing anything.” Randy Yo Dawg: “Hopefully, all 4 of you are in it to win it. You slayed Journey (4). You are what I love about sports. You’re peaking at the right time.” Steven Tyler: “Incredible. What you can’t do with your voice, you did tonight.” I feel like that’s a backhanded compliment. Maybe Steven is smarter than us all…
My prediction is that Haley is done for. Bottom 2: Haley and James

REWIND: I just watched the results from last week (a week late, I know) and holy cow in a haystack. James is gone! This is the best news I've received in the last 24 hours. Literally.

Thank You, America.

Let me preface by saying, I already know who is getting voted off. And I couldn't be happier if I tried.

Anyway, we're recapping, and on the recap, I'm not sure it was as great as everyone thought. Jenny from the Block is wearing a garbage bag as a skirt. A very short garbage bag. Hey! Rachel Zevita! Why is she here?

I'd also like to point out that Ryan's hair begins to look more and more like my brother's every week. Except my brother has been rockin' that do since circa 1989.

Steven Tyler wrote a book. Oh sheesh.

Jenny from the Block is going to perform tonight. Somehow I think it won't be as fantastically ridiculous as Paula a couple years ago.

Randy is having a bake sale? Oh no, that was a poorly veiled sarcastic joke.

The contestants are going to sing "So Happy Together." And JacobPaul is flat. And Haley's harmony is overpowering the boy's melody. So either Haley needs to sing quieter or the THREE MEN need to sing it out. COME on! Also of note, fitting that JacobPaul is singing with the 2 girls towards the end of the song. I'm not saying anything derogatory, I'm just saying. Can I also ask, why is it necessary at the end of every song for them to line up and raise their hand? Are they going to ask a question? Are they voting for something? It's really dumb.

Ryan is reading the teleprompter about auditions for next season, and James is mouthing the words along with him, like an idiot. That's the kind of stuff that annoys me about him. I don't know how to describe it, he just irks me.

The contestants did a Ford Commercial. James juggled. Haley parked with no hands. And it was "fun."

The contestants hung out with Gordon Ramsey and cooked omelettes. Haley's omelette was "pitchy" and was pitched in the trash. JacobPaul's omelette was called "omelette gone wild" and he had a song about it that was, you guessed it, annoying. Gordon says it looks like vomit and not even God could save it. Gordon Ramsey should be a judge on Idol. At least he would be honest. James tries to sing a cutesy song about his omelette being the best....around, and fails. Gordon tells him he was supposed to rock it, not make it hard as a rock. Lauren's omelette rocks. Duh. She's from the south. Scotty's omelette causes Gordon to spit it out in the trash can. Lauren wins and Jacob is the runner up. But wait, there's more. Because I care....

Lady Antebellum! I enjoy them tremendously. This is no exception.

The contestants are explaining how they choose songs and wardrobe. I honestly nothing this.

Results. The good stuff. James is up. He's probably safe. Oh, awesome! We're hearing Jimmy's take. Oooohhhh....Jimmy says James needs to control his emotions. He also says that typically he's between a 9-10, but last night, he was an 8. Burrrrn. And James is starting a group on the other side of the stage.

Lauren is next. Jimmy thinks her first song was awesome. He also thinks she pulled back on the biggest note of the second song. I said that. Just want to point that out.Her fear is getting the best of her. Jimmy also said that because of her second song, she would be in the bottom two tonight. Yikes. Jimmy is on fire tonight.And Lauren is freaking out. Poor kid. She's on the opposite side of James. So she knows something is up.

We're finishing this stupid thing with Chef Ramsey now. They're doing a blind taste test. Lauren won. She recognized tofu and hot dog. Congratulations?

Yay. Jenny from the Block is going to perform. The song is called "On the Floor." Someone named PitBull is also singing with her. Correction he's rapping. Ok, her pants are terrible. And also, I'm not surprised that the whole ensemble is shiny. And, I'm glad she's performing like this and is the mother of 2 small children. You have to admit, she's a really good performer, though.

Now we're watching a teaser of her next single, "I'm into You." Not impressed.

JacobPaul is next. Jimmy's take (this should be good), Jimmy said Jacob had a rough night because of his nerves and his songs were both "off." Also, Jimmy says Jacob was a 6. Ouch. JacobPaul joins Lauren. Not looking good for Lauren.

Haley is up. Wow, the audience lurves her. She may win. Jimmy's take should be interesting. Jimmy called Jenny from the Block out for criticizing his advice and claims that Haley won the evening and was a 10. This I agree with. Haley joins James. So I assume they're both safe.

Scotty. Jimmy says the first song showed us who he would be, and the second song was a little cut short. Scotty is safe. Also, Ryan reveals that Scotty has never been in the bottom two, in spite of the fact that he was with Casey last week. Wow. HE might win. Ryan tells Scotty he's safe and asks him to go stand with the group he thinks is safe with him. Scotty refuses (duh), and Ryan shoves him towards James and Haley. James, in an act of mockery, falls to the floor feigning surprise and relief. The funniest moment, though? Haley: "You actually did that?" Scotty: "No, he pushed me." Haley: "Oh." Cut to Lauren, who is having a meltdown. Bummer-tude.

Lauren has composed herself. Only to have some people scream "We love you, Lauren." and she melts down again. So, Lauren is finally told that America did not royally screw up and finds out that she is safe. Finally, James is gone.

Oh man, that means we have to listen to him sing again. Yep, he's still terrible. I'm turning it off.

Here's my prediction for the remaining weeks.

Next week: Lauren (unless she "blows it out the box" according to Paul)
Third place: Scotty
Final: Haley and James
Winner: Casey Abrams. Somehow he'll make a comeback.

Why do I still care??

I didn't even bother watching this episode until tonight. I'm not enthusiastic about it though.

The judges are here. Jenny from the Block looks, classy? For once, she is not wearing a mirror as clothing.

The "Top 5" are standing on stage. Jacob Lusk is dressed sort of appropriately and not like a lunatic. Haley stole the sparkly clothes from Jennifer apparently. Ryan says this is an important night and asks Randy what we are looking for. Randy says we're looking for who is in it to win it. It's really too bad that I don't and can't drink because I really would start a drinking game revolving around that phrase. EVERYONE is in it to win it Randy. No one came on the show just thinking, "Hey, this might be fun to do just as a hobby kinda deal, and I'm really hoping to just be in the top 5." No. Everyone's goal is to win.

Everyone is going to sing twice. One current, one "back in the day", which probably means the 80's or something. Sheryl Crow is the celebrity mentor. We don't need celebrity mentors when we have Jimmy Iovine. Sheryl thinks everyone on the show is amazing. She's wrong. She wants people to not just do the same thing they do every week. Keep that in mind, kids, especially when James sings. Just sayin'.

Speaking of James, he's up first. He's going to sing "Closer to the Edge" by 30 Seconds to Mars. Sheryl sang with him in rehearsal and feels that she can officially retire. Really, Sheryl? Singing with a punk kid who screams more than he actually sings is the culmination of your career? Not the Grammy's you've won, or your successful albums? Interesting... He's wearing a leather jacket that reminds me of this one kid I went to high school with. Except Ian Trout was really cool. James Durbin is really not. Can I just mention the fact that he's under the pitch right now? He really is flat. Which flies in the face of my trusted American Idol council member who insists that he's never off pitch....AND a scream. Also, is there more than one line to this song? So far I've heard him sing "I'm not saying, I'm sorry, one day, maybe we'll meet again." Steven Tyler: "You're ready for Freddy" Me: "Freddy Kreuger, Freddy Flintstone, Freddy Mertz, Freddy Mercury? WHO IS FREDDY?" Jenny from the Block: "You're ready for stadiums. We talked about who's going to grab it, we're feeling it, you've grabbed it, it's yours to take." Randy Yo Dawg: "Probably not everyone understood when you said you were going to sing 30 Seconds to Mars. That was Jared Leto's band (Namedrop: 1)and it's a great rock song." Me: "Jared Leto had a band? I thought he was an actor." Randy Yo Dawg: "I think you fit well there, it shows us where you'll go as an artist." Me: "To a band that is apparently broken up because the "singer" was an "actor?" I'm in."

JacobPaul is up next. I would say they're piling on my least favorite people at the top, but really, I don't have a favorite. JacobPaul feels like he could win this competition because he does something different and new every week. Really? I must have totally missed those weeks because I only ever saw him being a pitchy diva who pretends he can sing. He also thinks he's an underdog. So, that doesn't make any sense at all. He's singing "No Air" by Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown. Oh, cool. He's singing a song about an asthma attack at high altitudes. I swear that's what I think of every time I hear this song. Seriously. "Tell me, how'mI s'posed to breathe wif no air-uh?" You're not. Just go ahead and pass out." Sheryl says it's a hard song. Um. I got nothin'. He's going to sing both parts. This promises to be a trainwreck. I have no words to describe how heinous this is. I mean really. If for some reason you have not watched this, go youtube it immediately, because I don't know that I can appropriately describe it. He attempted to pop and lock, I think, but failed miserably. And then he went all pitchy-dawg regardless of the two robots in his ears. I just looked up the results and apparently this performance awakened the American public to how riDICulous JacobPaul is. I will, however, miss typing JacobPaul. Back to the performance, he's giving the black panther fist by the way. Oh, this is too good. There's a line, "Tell me how you gon' be wifout me-uh." My response? "I gon' be good." Jenny from the Block: "I'm glad you told me you would record this type of song. There's no doubt you're a performer and you have one of the best voices that has ever been on this stage, for sure." Me: "Say what? You must have not watched any of the previous seasons of this show, because there are plenty of better voices that have been on this stage. Like, EVERY other voice." Jenny from the Block wants him to pick songs that represent him. Randy Yo Dawg: "Alright yo, I kind of differ with that opinion right? I don't think that's the direction for you, I don't think any contestant should sing a duet song and do both parts, it was kind of corny for me, alot of it was sharp, I don't see you as that kind of song. You're the church kid, you're Luther, you're not Chris Brown, Rihanna." Me: "Um. Probably shouldn't have made the Chris Brown, Rihanna reference. May be in for some calls from some lawyers." Jenny from the Block is arguing. She's annoying me tonight. Steven Tyler: " I'm waiting for the certain something that is 100% you, not trying to do other people."

Lauren is up. I guess if I had to vote for someone, it would be her. Sheryl is telling Lauren to stand still. Thank you, Sheryl. Wise words. She's singing a Carrie Underwood song. "Flat on the Floor." The fiddler dude is playing with her. And she's ignoring Sheryl. That was exciting. She was very loud and it was decent. I really wanted to know what the fiddler dude's shirt said though. Randy Yo Dawg: "That is the direction for you. This direction I agree with. You're singing still connected. The Great Carrie Underwood (Namedrop: 2). Lauren is in it..." Me: "Ohhhh....so close." Steven Tyler: "That's the niche for you, you've done it. For a 15 year old girl to have direction like that. I think you're it." Me: "Agreed." Jenny from the Block: "We've been asking for that for weeks."

Scotty. He's going to sing "Gone" by Montgomery Gentry. Dude! Scotty! This does not suck! I really really love this, actually. So does Jenny from the Block apparently. Scotty and Lauren should be in the final. Steven Tyler: "You're a Puritan, but I saw you dance with the Devil tonight. It was good." Jenny from the Block: "I lost it. You owned that stage. You even growled, that's some American Idol stuff right there!" Me: "Ok, wait. A few weeks ago, ya'll told Casey to quit growling, and now you're condoning Scotty's growl? Make up your minds!" Randy Yo Dawg: "I felt like we were at Concert Scotty. I'm loving that you're in it to win it, too!"

Haley. She's singing an unreleased Lady Gaga song. Which is really helping with my "I hate Haley campaign." It's called "You and I." Poo squattage is high this evening. I know I said she was growing on me, and she is. But this performance did nothing to increase that growth. Jenny from the Block: "I loved the way you sounded, you had good moments, but I don't know that this song was a good idea. Jimmy may not have given you great advice." Me: "I think you may have made Jimmy a little upset with that." Randy Yo Dawg: "Listen, I don't really think it's that great of a song." Me and Paul: "Ooooohhhhhh....." Me: "Lady Gaga, gets bitten by the Dawg! Snap, crackle, AND pop!" Randy Yo Dawg: "I always think of you as Joss Stone. You're a great singer, but I don't know if this did you any favors." Steven Tyler: "You put all your range in it, and you made it work. Risky, but you're one perfect song away from being American Idol." Me: "Technically she's like 3 weeks worth of songs away, but yeah, one works too." Here's what I can't stand about Haley. The whole time the judges are giving her feedback, she standing up there with this pouty look on her face as if to say, "How dare you judge me?" The most ridiculous part of it is, if Simon was still on the show, he'd have torn, her, JacobPaul, Scotty, Pia, and possibly James new ones weeks ago. This would be a totally different ball game. But I digress.

Round 2. UGGGHHHH.

James Durbin is singing "Without You" by Harry Nelson. He's crying. Why? Whatever, he's singing. And not screaming. Yet. Ok. That was perfect up until the totally unnecessary scream towards the end. And he's crying again. He wants to make a better life for his family. As Paul pointed out, everyone who ever comes on these shows always wants to make a better life for their families. And this is really not the best way to do it. You've left your wife and child, to be on this show, and the odds of you winning and becoming really successful are actually pretty slim. So, way to go. Randy Yo Dawg: "The emotion you showed was great. It wasn't perfect, there were some notes that were flat/sharp (CRAIG!), but that emotion that you just showed? Now? This competition is yours to lose." Steven Tyler: "Your emotions were beautiful. It was beautiful." Jenny from the Block: "Blah blah, you're an artist, blah blah."

Ok I just really don't have the energy for this anymore, so I'm going to make the rest of this brief and to the point.

Jacob: "Love Hurts." It involves a harp. And a suit. And falsetto. And the curse of the brass section again.
My take: Love does not hurt. This song hurts.
Paul: He sounds like he's being eaten from the inside out by an alien.
Hannibal Lecter is here. Fava beans.
Steven Tyler: We were lost.
Jenny from the Block: No one heard you screw up in the middle. So I'm pointing it out. Good job.
Randy yo Dawg: You redeemed yourself.

Lauren: "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers. Sweet, it's her parents song. Her parents are still married, that's awesome. Her dress is pretty. And she's doing really well. I wish she had gone for the high note when she went back into the chorus.
Jenny from the Block: Beautiful.
Randy Yo Dawg: Whitney, Mariah (Namedrop: 4). Tender moment.
Steven: Perfect.

Scotty: "You Were Always on My Mind." Oh shoot. I'm probably going to cry. That was sweet and beautiful.
Jenny from the Block: "You're a well-rounded artist. That was sweet."
Randy Yo Dawg: "You're our youngest veteran. If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
Me: "Good point."
Steven Tyler: "That was beautiful."

Haley: "The House of the Rising Sun." Wow, the beginning of this is awesome. I'm actually digging this. Poo Squattage and all. That. Was. Awesome.
The judges are all standing.
Randy Yo Dawg: "You slayed it. Best performance of the night."
Me: "I would agree with that actually. I know. You can get up off the floor now."
Steven Tyler: "You sold everybody today."
Jenny from the Block: "You were angry at us in the beginning, great job."

So, I already know that JacobPaul has finally been put out to pasture. And I can guarantee that my results blog would be filled with much rejoicing and happiness. If I get to it, I get to it. If not, see you next week.