This Isn't Tee-Ball....

One contestant has been eliminated due to an outstanding warrant for criminal acts. That contestant? None other than, "Not so Gentle Giant" Jermaine Jones. La BummER.

Also the contestants are singing songs from the year they were born. There should be some gems in this bunch.

The judges look like they are representing ketchup, mustard, and mayonnaise.

Also, the years the contestants had to choose from include 1983-1995. Ow.
Phillip Phillips was born in 1990 and was premature. The doctor said he might die. But he did not. And I love his parents. William is the mentor. I don't know what the name of the song is. William has a dumb name. Phillip had to have surgery. He had a non-functioning kidney. It's "So Hard to Handle." The title of the song. The brass section is on stage again. I love that. I love this performance. He's just so simple and doesn't mess around with showboating and nonsense (ahem, DeAndre. ahem, Colton.) Randy Yo Ketchup: "You're a fish outta water doin' this, you're kind of unique. Tonight, no guitar, after surgery, you sound amazing. Good song choice. Jenny from the Mustard Block: "It just proves that it's so natural it's in every cell of your body. Oh, hahaha, I'm so smart and medical." Steven Mayo: "You pick songs that match your voice and character." Paul has no thought.

Jessica Sanchez was born in 1995. She would cry so hard she would faint. Or not. The parents can't agree. She's singing "Turn the Beat Around." William says she's a swaggernaut. Like outer space swag. Those pants Jessica has on are extremely sparkly. Extremely. I would like to say that I appreciate that she can actually sing something other than a ballad. Unlike last year's balladeer extraordinaire who shall remain nameless. Steven Mayo: "I love your voice, but don't stray too far from what you can sing well and the rhythm was shady." Me: "Oh, please don't tell her to sing only ballads, that's boooooooooooring." Jenny from the Mustard Block: "I think the same thing. Your voice has such a strong vibrato, so it lost a little energy." Me: "Maybe she should be able to tone down the vibrato. Like a real musician." Randy Yo Ketchup: "The problem for me was the song choice, which did not allow you to show your voice. Learn to shorten the vibrato or take it all out, too." Me: "Randy Yo Ketchup reads the blog. He must. Because he is not namedropping a lot lately." Paul has no thoughts. He is boring this evening.

Heejun Han was born in 1989. His parents are cute. They speak only Korean. They are seriously cute. He is singing "Right Here Waiting." Jimmy Iovine is trying to get Heejun to enunciate. He asked William for Fergie's number. This is probably not going to be great. His accent is really coming through on this one. I think he may be in trouble this week. Also, the late 80's-late 90's are a really dark period for music. Randy Yo Ketchup: "I didn't really enjoy this at all it was pitchy all over the place, the other problem I had with it was that it felt like you were out of breath the whole time. The first time we saw you, you had like R&B swag." Jenny from the Mustard Block: "Your tone is so special, we could tell you were struggling, but towards the end it got really beautiful for me." Steven Mayo: "You stepped so far out of your circle, I love your voice no matter what." Me: "Well, that's enlightening."

Elise Testone was born in 1983. She is the oldest contestant. And she's a year older than me. William tells her to smile and be dope and fresh. What? She says people are going to make babies while she sings this song. I have one of those. I have no interest in having another one at the moment. Thankyouverymuch. She's singing "Let's Stay Together", by the way. I enjoy this performance a lot. That was great. Steven Mayo: "I love your voice. My Aunt Sonia loves your voice. Everybody loves your voice." Jenny from the Mustard Block: "You showed everyone who you are. It was a beautiful, beautiful thing." Randy Yo Ketchup: "America, Elise is back. America, this is why we kept you. A little Janis." Namedrop: 1. He couldn't contain himself.

DeAndre Makemesick is next. He was born in 1994. William says he's going to go home if he can't figure out how to pick songs. I'm voting that he not figure it out. He's singing "Endless Love." See, I think this is a technicality. Because Lionel Richie/Diana Ross did this song WAYYYYYYY earlier than 1994. But Mariah Carey/Luther Vandross sang it in 1994 so suddenly it meets the requirement. This is not Endless Love. This is the Endless Deathbysonganddumbhair. He is just so....skeevy. Jenny from the Mustard Block: "You can sing anything, and you sang that beautifully. I almost feel like you didn't sing the right song. Jimmy and Will steered you wrong." Steven Mayo: "I love you as an artist, I don't think it was the right song." Randy Yo Ketchup: "It was definitely the wrong song. It was boring and very safe for you." Me: "Maybe Jimmy and William sabotaged him. If so, I love them even more."

Shannon Magrane was also born in 1995. Jimmy has her listen to "Don't Speak" by No Doubt on some new phone which he very cleverly and not at all obviously promotes....then she decides to sing "One Sweet Day" by Mariah Carey. I'm officially bumpuzzled. New word that I learned on Survivor last week. I like it. She just bites off too much. She's trying too hard to do too many things. There was a bad note and then there were a couple pretty good notes. Jenny from the Mustard Block: "That was not an easy undertaking. I was, honestly, terrified for you. But, you did a beautiful job with that. I thought you did a great job." Steven Mayo: "I think you sing your best when you don't try so hard." Me: "So she did not sing her best." Randy Yo Ketchup: "I was terrified too, I've worked with Mariah before and she sang the I don't know what out of that song. You're here because you have mad potential." Me: "I think she will potentially fall apart soon."

Colton Dixon was born in 1991. He used to play baseball. I wish he had kept playing baseball. He's singing a song by a band called "White Lion." William is growing on me. This does nothing for me. It's just blah. Jenny from the Mustard Block: "I didn't know that song. I loved the beginning of it. I feel like you have a broken heart." Me: "Huh?" Steven Mayo: "I think it was the wrong song for your voice and your passion. Raspberries." Me: "Raspberries are delicious." Randy Yo Ketchup: "The song didn't matter. You performed it dope. I could care less about the song." Me: "Why does the song matter for everyone else?"

Erika Van Pelt was born in 1985. She's a year younger than me. Erika's mom says she was loud. She's singing "Heaven" by Bryan Adams. This promises to be pretty good. Jimmy messed with the arrangement, so that bodes well. I’ll be honest, I’m finishing this on Thursday night. My kid seems to be growing like a madman and requiring more food. Aside from Erika’s Elvira dress, this is a pretty good performance. Her voice is very alto-y. That means low. Steven Mayo: “I think you’re too busy. When a song is that pretty, you gotta stay with it, stay with the melody.” Jenny from the Mustard Block: “You are this year’s Janis Joplin, the arrangement left us wanting more. But I love seeing your image shape and form in front of us. I feel you coming together as an artist.” Randy Yo Ketchup: “Yo, I kinda liked it. It was like a nice, like, 8 out of 10. You look amazing, but the other thing is that don’t mess with a good song. Don’t let people tell you what to do. Except for us. Because we definitely know what we’re talking about.”

Ryan is just now telling us that Jermaine Jones had to be eliminated. Nigel has been informed that Jermaine has 4 active warrants out. He lied to the producers, and so he has to be done with American Idol. I will say that Jermaine handled it very gracefully. He was going to sing “Somewhere Out There.” I’m glad he didn’t, because that song makes me cry. I need a tissue.

Skylar was born in 1994. She is singing a Bonnie Raitt song. William and Jimmy tried to get her to sing a different song. She said no. Way to go, her. I respect that. I can’t believe she’s only 18. 18? 17? I don’t know. I’m horrible at math. She rocked that out. It’s kind of a lame song, but she made it work. Steven Mayo: “You got so much heart and soul, I haven’t heard you sing a song bad yet.” Jenny from the Mustard Block: “I gotta say that you really killed that.” Randy Yo Ketchup: “Yo, this is our rockin’ country girl. Whatever you sing, you just need to sing it really good. You did it well.” Jenny from the Mustard Block tried to be all, “I know we’re being mean, but we gotta keep it real, blahdeblah….” She’s not good at that. You know who was good at that? Simon. Before he became ridiculous.

Joshua Ledet and a huge bucket of crawfish. He was born in 1992. He’s singing “When a Man Loves a Woman.” Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……that’s going to be awesome. Even if it is a Michael Bolton song. Paul loves Michael Bolton. Turns out Joshua Ledet’s Dad is a Pastor. I apologize to those of you whom I told this was not true. He is incredible. He is amazing. He is going to win this show. I loved that. In case you couldn’t tell. I don’t even care what the judges said. Basically it was, “Blew it out the box.” “The best thing I’ve ever seen on American Idol.” “God came through your eyes.” You decide which condiment said what. Oh, and a namedrop: Percy Sledge.

Hollie Cavanagh was born last week. Oh, wait, no she was born in 1993. Her parents are from Scotland? Ireland? Scottish. They are also cute. She is singing “The Power of Love” by Celine Dion. William tells her she has amplifiers in her pocket. This could be epic. Or it could be terrible. There is no middle ground. She’s wearing extensions. I do not enjoy hair extensions. But that is for another discussion. It was decent. I guess there was a middle ground. It was definitely not epic. But it wasn’t Shannon either. Sorry Shannon. Jenny from the Mustard Block: “They saved the best for last, but there were a couple things that were wrong but I’m not going to tell you what they were so that you can drive yourself completely insane by worrying about it, okay? Okay great.” Steven Mayo: “There was a little pitch here and there, I have no idea where your voice comes from.” Randy Yo Ketchup: “You were in your wheelhouse, very well done.”

So, here’s the deal. I would say that Heejun Han, DeAndre Makemesick, Shannon Magrane should be in the bottom three. I think Heejun may go home. I HOPE DeAndre goes home.
Let’s see what happens, shall we?

Just pretend this is a new blog post.

Tommy Hilfiger has made over the contestants. Do something with DeAndre’s hair.

Ford Music Video. Scary. Literally.

Phillip, Skylar, Elise, and Joshua are called up. All 4 of them should be safe.

Jimmy says Phillip is awesome.
Jimmy says Skylar is better than she was last night.
Jimmy says Elise killed it and blew his mind.
Jimmy says Percy Sledge loved Joshua’s performance. That’s kind of amazing.

Joshua is safe. No kidding.
Phillip is safe. Huzzah.
Elise is in the bottom three. That’s incorrect.
Skylar is safe. Good.

Demi Lovato is singing. Which I do not care about.

Colton, Shannon, DeAndre and Jessica are up.
Jimmy says DeAndre is the one that chose the song. So the judges should get off him. And he also says, “This isn’t tee-ball, not everyone gets a trophy and an orange slice.” I love Jimmy.
Jimmy says Colton will be in the middle of the pack. He also calls Randy Yo Ketchup out on his back and forth about the song does/does not matter.
Jimmy says Shannon pushed too hard but she has extraordinary potential.
Jimmy says Jessica lost her rhythm. And if she goes home, we should all go home.

Colton is safe. Meh. MAN, he has skinny legs.
DeAndre is still hanging.
Jessica is safe. Duh.
DeAndre is safe. Incorrect.
Shannon is in the bottom three.

Heejun is praying.

Daughtry is playing. Which I would care about, but it’s 12:37 AM.

Erika, Heejun, and Hollie are up.
Jimmy says Hollie got straight A’s. But she needed different clothes.
Jimmy says Heejun is boxed in and boring.
Jimmy says Erika got trapped into oversinging. He also called Randy Yo Dawg out for saying not to listen to him when he makes arrangement suggestions.

Hollie is safe. No kidding.
Erika is in the bottom three.
Heejun is safe.

The girls are dropping like flies…..

The judges are not happy.

Elise is safe after all. So either Shannon or Erika is going home. Please, dear Lord let it be Shannon.

Erika is safe.

Shannon is singing for her life. The judges could save her. But I bet they won’t.

And they don’t.

I’m out.