Things That Should Never Be Done on Idol:

Stevie Wonder songs and Whitney Houston songs.

Steven Tyler has a pair of pants that look like a person's face.
The other two look normal for once.
Ryan still has my brother's hair. My brother sports it better. Has been since about 1989.

This is the 400th episode.

The girls. For some reason they have Shannon and Holly right next to each other. That seems unfair.

The boys. I still hate Deandre. And probably Colton.

It's guys vs. girls tonight. I don't know how that's any different than normal. Oh, they're revealing the bottom guy and the bottom girl and the judges will decide which one goes home. Cool. I suppose.

Mary J Blige is mentoring alongside Jimmy Iovine. Joshua is up first. He's singing "I Wish." Mary brings in a gospel producer to help Joshua stay true to his roots. I'm digging this performance. I'm particularly enjoying the brass section on stage with him. He has quite the pipes. I enjoy him and I enjoyed that performance. Randy Yo Dawg: "I don't know what's goin' on but you just blew it out. What I really love is we've been hearing you sing these ballads and now you come out rockin' with the singing. You just showed me you can do everything. Flavorless and flawless." Me: "Flavorless AND flawless?" Jenny from the Block: "So much love. I love that I felt your performance. This little hand thing over here (waves her hand), I know that's a church thing. You make us feel it." Joshua: "That's my Mantasia." Me: "HAHA!" Steven Tyler: "You had the snap. You brought it home. You listened to Mary J. and you nailed it. Beautiful. Nice job. Well done." Me: "That's word for word, right there. I love that Steven is so concise."

Touch is an awesome show.

Elise is next. She's doing "Greatest Love of All." Mary J. seems apprehensive. Jimmy makes her sing, "I'm Your Baby Tonight." Jimmy is trying to make her successful and Elise is arguing with him. Grrr.... Also. Why is she always wearing hats? Elise is kind of bumming me out. She is using the brass section too. Brass section gettin' some love this evening. I do enjoy her voice, but she seems a bit uncomfortable with this song. I will say that I prefer this to Whitney. BUT that being said, I'm not really all "OMGWHITNEYISTHEBESTSINGERINTHEWHOLEWORRRRRRRRRRRLDDDDDDDD." Jenny from the Block: "Whitney is a beast. We all know this. I think you were so hesitant because you wanted to make it your own. I don't think it was your best. You felt a little unsure." Steven Tyler: "Yeahyeahyeah...when you have a really good voice, you think you can sing anything. But when your voice is so unique like yours you have to find the exact right song. In the past, you would nail it, and I missed that in the song this time." Randy: "It felt like you were boxing with the song. You don't have to prove at every note that you have that voice. Mary is trying to get you to sit in the song and just sing." I would agree with the judges overall on that. It was almost like she didn't feel comfortable singing the song. Which is what she very awkwardly just told Ryan. I wish she was less awkward when she talked.

Jermaine is up. This should be interesting. He's singing "Knocks Me Off My Feet." Mary J told him not to try too hard and just sing smooth. I enjoy Mary J. She makes me want to listen to rap music. Not really. Jermaine's voice is like silk. Seriously. That was gorgeous. And I could understand the words. I liked it. Steven Tyler: "For a moment last week, you had trouble. This week, the song fit you like an Armani suit." Jenny from the Block: "You are adorable. I would like to see you connect with the words of the song. I need to feel like you are singing to somebody. Sing to me!" Me: "Don't you already have a 24 year old boyfriend Jenny from the Block?" Randy: "Yo man! You're like Barry White meets Arthur Price, Jerry Burkheimer kind of voice. I didn't like the chorus, but I loved the verses. So, relax and sit in it." Me: "Randy wants everyone to just sit down." Namedrop: 3.

I don't like this whole "Ryan asks the contestants awkward questions at the end of their critique thing."

Erika Van Pelt is up. She has a strange dress on. It's like prom meets punk rock. She's singing "I Believe in You and Me." I heart this song. Again with the hats. Why is everyone wearing a hat? Mary J. loves Erika's tone. She says it's like steak and potatoes. I agree with that description. Her voice is lovely. Chills take 1. Chills take 2. That was a really good performance. Very simple. Very elegant. And very, VERY good. Randy: "You have an amazing tone. When you let yourself go and stop thinking, it was unbelievable. Dude. Don't think. Let yourself go. That was amazing by the end." Paul: “Not thinking always works for the President.” And also Paul: “If Erika Van PELT was smart she would have changed her name to Erika van BELT before coming on this show.” Me: *stares silently*” Ohhhh…..” Jenny from the Block: "I had goosies before you even started. The way you interpret the song combined with the tone and fullness of your voice, is beautiful. I can't wait until you stop thinking." Steven Tyler: "I feel the same way. In the beginning you sat there, then you climbed, then it was absolutely beautiful. It was perfect, I think it's great." Ryan says she's too comfortable. I say she's phenomenal.


Colton is singing "Lately." Jimmy says Stevie is not Colton's wheelhouse. No kidding. Ok, so I was about to say that his voice doesn't make me want to stick forks in my ears. While that is true, his voice can get quite nasally and obnoxious. And, he looks like an idiot in skinny jeans. Steven Tyler: "That was fantastic. Good job." Jenny from the Block: "You're probably the most challenged tonight with the Stevie Wonder of it all. When you start showing your heart it's amazing." Me: "What is it that Colton DOES that is so unique? He's basically a really, really, really, really, lame version of Adam Lamebert/Lames Durbin. I just realized I have no way to incorporate Lame into Colton's name. Gah.” Randy Yo Dawg: "Technically, for a second, it wasn't picture perfect. There were some notes that were flat, some notes that were sharp, but here's the key, you'll notice that the points where that happened your singing soft and low. But when you hit your powerpoint it's always spot on." Me: "Question for you: do you want an Idol winner who can sing loud and on pitch, or an Idol who can always sing on pitch, regardless of dynamics? And no, Scotty McReery does not count." Paul: “You know what I want? An Idol winner who’s a white guy that plays a guitar. Can I also say that knowing that I’m expected to give comments now makes me nervous and I just need to relax and sit in it.”

Shannon is singing "I Have Nothing." Mary J. tells her to quit running and just sing the song. I must say, this is not my favorite performance of hers. It's very copycat, and too big for her. WOW, she cracked that note. Ouch. She's very disappointed by it too. That was too, too, too, too big. Jenny from the Block: "The thinking got to you. You can sing that song, but we didn't hear that tonight." Me: "Maybe ya'll shouldn't make 15 year old girls sing Whitney Houston songs. Good grief." Steven Tyler: "You kind of crashed and burned on the turnaround. Your nerves got the best of you." Randy Yo Dawg: "It kind of derailed. There was a mistake either from you or the band and it derailed at that point." Now Shannon is admitting she wasn't listening to the band. Always listen to the band, people. Always. I just rewatched and I don't know what they're talking about. Paul: “Well, she did say she had nothing.” *badumcha*

YAY! Deandre is up. Not. And he has his hair pulled back, I can only assume he's trying to also look like Stevie. It's not working. HAHA! Deandre can't even stand to look at himself on the big screen. Now you know how we feel, dude. He's singing "Master Blaster." Jimmy Iovine tells us that Deandre jumping around and flipping his hair is not enough. Thanks for that pearl of wisdom. I don't know this song, but I'm fairly certain Stevie Wonder actually sings songs in English. Also, even though Jimmy says it won't help, Deandre certainly will try to make us let him stay by jumping and flipping his hair. I can honestly say I understood zero percent of the words that he supposedly sang. I'm pretty sure he was saying "blahblahblah" the whole time. Steven Tyler: "You're like the male Naima and I love that." Me: "Except Naima could actually sing and didn't make me want to run away." Jenny from the Block: "I didn't want it to end. I loved it from the beginning." Randy Yo Dawg: "Dude, you showed a different side of you tonight. You were in perfect rhythm." Me: "Well, the judges are now listening to something other than what I'm listening to. Also, Randy has a rhinestone sad face on his jacket. That's how I will feel if Deandre makes it through." Paul: “Maybe Deandre can communicate with Landry for us. They have approximately the same vocabulary.” Me: “I’m not letting that anywhere near my child.”

Skylar is up next. She is singing “Where Do Broken Hearts Go.” I reallllllly like this song. Jimmy and Mary J like Skylar. So do I. She took the note from Randy and is sitting down. Oh that key change was intense. I love her. And I love this arrangement. So far, she is the one that has been innovative with a Whitney song and made it something other than a Whitney song. I do have to say, Whitney songs are not all that fantastic lyrically speaking. “I look in your eyes and I know that you still care for me.” Lame lyrics. Jenny from the Block: “You are the definition of composure. The beginning was a little nasally and not all perfect. But you kept it together and gave us the biggest moment of the night. It was amazing.” Steven Tyler: “It was beautiful the way you climbed the ladder and at the end you nailed it. And that’s all anybody wants out of a song.” Randy Yo Dawg: “By the time you hit the end it was great. What I love about you is that you have other sides, you’re not just in one bag.” Me: “The beginning was fine. Steven Tyler would like to climb on to something in the near future. And what is this whole, “all we want is a good ending to a song” situation? I want to hear a song that is good all the way through.”

Heejun! He is funny. He is singing “All is Fair in Love.” Mary J is surprised by Heejun’s tone. Heejun is funny. And endearing. Oooohhhhh, he has a string section on stage with him. This could be epic. He also got the sitting memo. Jenny from the Block: “I love you, I love you, I love you.” Something about hugging. Steven Tyler: “I love your voice, great job.” Randy Yo Dawg: “It wasn’t perfect, but it was reallllly good.” Me: “Is it just me or did they give him really short critiques? It was good, not like, knock my socks off good, but good.”
Hollie Cavanagh is next. She is singing “All the Man that I Need.” Mary J and Jimmy have a lot of faith in Hollie. I did not know this was a Whitney song. Upsetting, since this is probably in reference to “Bobby B!” (said in the voice of Maya Rudolph portraying Whitney on SNL). By the way, if you have not seen that skit, you should. Here it is. Ok, so her voice is a lot better than I initially thought. I still have no idea what is going on with her accent, but I loved her performance. Randy Yo Dawg: “You love taking on these big songs, this is like Whitney, like her primes joint she’s doing right here. And guess what , you nailed it!” Me: “Randy Yo Dawg, did you really have to use the word Whitney and joint in the same sentence?” Too soon? Jenny from the Block thinks there will be two girls in the final. I hope so. That would be refreshing. Steven Tyler: “That was really nice.” Me: “Steven and his conciseness is also refreshing.”
Watch Raising Hope. It’s amazing.
Jeremy is singing “Written in the Sky.” Jeremy is very nervous. Very, very nervous. Oh, the song is called “Ribbons in the Sky.” Enunciation goes a long way. Take notes Hair-boy. This is kind of a train wreck. He’s pitchy yo dawg all over the joint. For some inexplicable reason, Jenny from the Block is laughing. Steven Tyler: “Beautiful, velvety voice, I loved your voice from the start, great song tonight. You didn’t get a chance to fly like you usually do, doesn’t matter, wasn’t in that song, but you can do it.” Jenny from the Block: “I love to hear your interpretation of songs. It was really beautiful. Good job.” Randy Yo Dawg: “For me, man, it wasn’t your best. It’s the kind of song that you just have to put more swag in it to make it believable. I didn’t really believe it tonight.” Me: “I believe I agree with Randy Yo Dawg.”
Jessica Sanchez is next. She is singing “the iconic Whitney Houston song, I Will Always Love You.” Can we just stop right here and note the fact that Dolly Parton wrote and sang this song originally? It’s a Dolly Parton song. Point of fact, Whitney did not write many, if any, of her songs. Wow. Just wow. This is without a doubt the best performance of the night. The judges are all standing up. She is crying. That was amazing. Randy Yo Dawg: “Yo. Jessica Sanchez is legIT! I think you’re one of the best singers in this whole competition.” Jenny from the Block: “Just. Just. Amazing. It was beautiful.” Steven Tyler: “Jessica. You may be the one. You just made 40,000,000 people cry.” I wasn’t crying. But it was good.
Phillip Phillips is next. He is singing “Superstition.” This is going to be amazing. Jimmy Iovine says he is a rare find of a great musician and a great singer. That’s why I love Jimmy Iovine. He understands that those are two different things that don’t always go together. I know plenty of people IRL and on AI that are great singers but not such great musicians, and vice versa. Anyway. On to Phillip Phillips. This is awesome. I told you it would be. I loved that. They are totally gearing up for Phillip and Jessica in the finale though. Steven Tyler: “You got a lot of forgetaboutit in your voice. There’s no words for it. You just are. Y’know what I mean?” Jenny from the Block: “You took that and made it your own and you killed it.” Randy Yo Dawg: “Jimmy’s right, we need you in this competition. I’m waiting to see every time, how you’re going to interpret a song. You drive your own car, in your own lane and I love it.” Paul: “That’s illegal.”
So here’s how it shakes out.
If I had voted (I probably won’t vote this season) I would have voted for the following:
Joshua Ledet ****
Erika Van Pelt ****
Skylar Laine ***
Hollie Cavanagh ***
Jessica Sanchez *****
Phillip Phillips *****

Bottom Boy: Probably Jeremy. Bottom Girl: Probably Elise. Going home: Probably Elise.

Let’s see if I’m right.
The Results:
Top 13 singing Stevie Wonder as a group. This group sing doesn’t stink like usual. And I really have underestimated Hollie Cavanagh. There’s Elise and her Hat. Deandre still makes me ill.
Ford Commercial. They’re giants. They like FORD. But they can’t fit in them, so that’s lame.
Jimmy Iovine says it was tough last night.
Jessica, Hollie, and Elise are up. Elise will probably not be safe.
Jimmy says Elise is in trouble.
Jimmy says Hollie was fantastic.
Jimmy says Jessica had the best performance in the history of American Idol. He is concerned she will get overconfident.
Jessica is safe. Duh.
Elise is in the bottom three girls. Duh.
Hollie is safe. Duh.
Colton, Heejun, and Jermaine are up.
Jimmy says Heejun has a lot of flaws and was shafted by having to sing this song.
Jimmy says Colton doesn’t know who he is.
Jimmy says Jermaine had an internal battle between tuning and feel. He also wants to point out that Armani doesn’t make suits big enough for Jermaine.
Colton is safe. Boo.
Heejun is safe.
Jermaine is in the bottom three boys.
Lauren Alaina is performing . She really should have won over Scotty McDreary.
Erika, Shannon, and Skylar are up. Shannon is probably in the bottom three girls.
Jimmy said Erika did a really believable job. But she needs to work on presentation.
Jimmy said nerves got the better of Shannon. She needs more experience.
Jimmy said he likes Skylar’s nasally sound in her voice.
Erika is in the bottom three girls. Dumb. Dumbdumbdumb.
Skylar is safe. Duh.
Shannon is in the bottom three girls.
Phillip, Jeremy, Deandre and Joshua are up.
Jimmy says Joshua is very good, but he could get boring. I disagree 100%.
Jimmy says Deandre was a pleasant surprise. I disagree 100% again.
Jimmy says Phillip is a great musician vocally and instrumentally. And he knows who he is. He’s nervous that the girls could outshine him. I disagree again.
Jimmy says Jeremy did not deliver at all. He thinks Jeremy is going. Jimmy is harsh.
Randy is apparently enrolling in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry sometime soon.
Phillip is safe. Duh.
Jeremy is in the bottom three guys.
Deandre is safe. America is stupid. Really, really stupid.
Joshua Ledet is in the bottom three boys.
Mary J Blige. I’ll probably watch for a minute. Minute’s up. That’s enough.
Somewhere along the way I missed that Joshua and Erika were safe. But yay!
Jermaine is safe. 
Jeremy is the bottom boy.
Shannon is safe. 
Elise is the bottom girl.
Jennifer says America got it wrong. Randy says America didn’t get it exactly right but they probably did. That was vague, for me for you.
Jeremy is going home. So I was almost right. But, as we all know, almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
Wait. Waitwaitwait. The farewell song is a Scotty McReery song. Barf.
The eliminated contestant doesn’t have to sing one last time? Weird. The judges seem very disgruntled at this outcome. I don’t know why everyone is so shocked. He was not great last night and he wasn’t going to go far. Maybe the judges are mad because Jimmy was right….