Wednesday, January 19, 2011

And away we go...

Ok, right off the bat, what happened to the American Idol theme song? Now, instead of it being the regular old creeptastic mannequin looking dude walking out after apparently becoming a conglomerate of all the previous Idols, we have a fancy schmancy, trying too hard, still creeptastic mannequin looking David Cook walking out of what appears to be an obelisk.

AI felt the need to remind us of all the hullabaloo that happened when we didn't know who would judge the show. They also felt the need to remind us that Steven Tyler is a crazy man who would have really enjoyed Adam Lambert, Jennifer Lopez is from the block, and Randy is the hot dawg.

Already I feel that this season of American Idol will be full of cheese. And not the deliciously gooey delightful cheddar-y type. I mean really, what's with the PSA "Today I will...." deals.

Audition Site 1: New Jersey (home of something called a Snooki)

First up: Rachel the opera singer from Season 6. Oddly, I remember her. Although, evidently she has changed her appearance/attitude. She is very excited by Jennifer Lopez, who is really good at asking the questions producers tell her to say. Take that back, she swallowed an entirely different singer. Because she sounds absolutely nothing like she did previously. Not sure I love it. Jenny from the block says she could have done better. Rachel: "I sang in front of famous judges before, but never anyone that I've looked up to since I was like 4 years old." I'm pretty sure she just made Jenny from the block feel like an old woman. Randy is offended and needs some water. Steven Tyler tells her she should just talk. I think. I'm not really sure what he said. He also thinks if he pours water on her, she'll grow. Randy takes the vote....and she's through.

Caleb Hawley: He's singing a bluesy song that I've never heard before. Steven Tyler has not only heard it, he's evidently played drums on it. I'm convinced that Steven Tyler is constantly high. He enjoyed it. So much so that he screamed like Adam Lambert (whom I hate). They all loved him. So did I. He's in.

Uh-oh. The first 15 year old. Kenzie Palmer: She likes musical theater. She's singing country music. She thinks the word "beautiful" is pronounced "beautiFOAL." Interesting tone. Steven Tyler does not feel the pizazz. Jenny from the block liked it, Dawg said her voice was good. For 15. And somehow he convinced Steven Tyler to change his mind.

I think they're putting everyone through. Please tell me Simon is coming back....

Achille Lovle: She's singing "Dress You Up" by Madonna. But she says Madoughna. Oh my hey. She's yelling at me, and I feel like she's performing a voodoo curse on me. Steven Tyler tells her she has attitude but no notes. That's putting it mildly. Achille says her vocal coach is trying to help her with her accent. Jenny from the block: "How do I say this?" Randy: "Don't." Jenny from the block: "Ummm...it's not your accent. I think it's more really just about the singing." Randy tells her it's just not her thing. They all said no. Wow, Jenny from the block is taking this whole crushing people's hopes and dreams thing really hard.

Ryan comes in to check on them and Jenny from the block tells him she doesn't like saying no. So THAT'S why she's been married so many times....too harsh?

Sidebar: There is definitely someone washing the windows behind them as they discuss how painful their jobs are.

Oh awesome. I've always wanted to be a New Jersey native. Or not. Snooki's twin just showed me how to get Jersey hair. I'll be sure to get on that. Or not.

Tiffany Rios is a fan of Jenny from the block because of her "back area." No kidding. She started singing because of Selena. Jenny/Selena is now hugging Tiffany/Snooki. And now Sniffany will sing an original that she made up for American Idol. I don't think this has ever gone well for anyone who has ever tried to do that. She's singing to BeeBee apparently. Can I just say, I love that Steven Tyler subconsciously opens his mouth really wide whenever anyone else tries to sing a ridiculously high note? So she sings her original. It's terrible, mostly because of the fact that 3 words in she busts open her jacket to reveal her....bust....with giant silver stars on them. The judges are perplexed and somehow Snooki starts singing again. This time she closes her jacket. She's singing a song that I recognize but I can't remember the name of it. The chorus is "cause I'm your laaaaaaadyyyyyyy...." Here's the deal. I don't hate her voice. But as my ever so eloquent husband put it, "She's just annoying. I can't stand looking at her." Well said, dear husband, well said. I don't understand all the crazy emoting. Steven Tyler told her she could sing her tush off. Jenny/Selena told her she has a great voice and they want to see more of that and less of the other non-essentials. Randy Dawg is rendered speechless.

Montage of terrible auditions. Which allows me to ask this question. What is happening with the new eyeshadow thing where the color is only on like, half the eyelid? Did they run out of eyeshadow? Did they just give up? I mean what's happening?

Back to AI. Jenny from the block is really having trouble saying "No." Steven Tyler has figured it out, although I must say they let people down way too easy. I haven't heard one, "That was dreadful" or "You should fire your vocal coach." When does the X Factor start?

Robbie Rosen. He couldn't walk for a while. There are no videos or photos to prove that. Interesting. So anyway, he's here now. He's been singing forever. And here we go. He's singing "Yesterday" by the Beatles. Lots of emotions= lots of hand flailing. Nice voice. I have a feeling he could be this season's Sanjaya. You know, the one with the nice voice at first and the crazy hair and then suddenly he was staying week after week after week? Yeah, that one. He's in.

Apparently people are in love with Steven Tyler. Frankly, I think he looks remarkably like his Guitar Hero character. Fake and with abnormally large lips.

Tom Sawyer is auditioning now. He's an Eagle Scout. His real name is Chris Cordiero. And he's a huge nerd who believes in not texting while driving. I believe in that as well. He's singing "My Way" by Frank Sinatra. Oh man...I was really hoping he would surprise me and be fantastic. He did not. The award for best line of the night goes to the Dawg himself. Tom Sawyer: "And nooow (snap) the end is near (snap).... Dawg: "Yes it is..."Bless those judges they are trying really hard not to laugh at him. His family member is singing "My Way" to Ryan's chest. Which is impressive because Ryan's so tiny, yet she doesn't have to kneel down or anything. Tom Sawyer cannot take Steven Tyler's hints and has to be told in no uncertain terms that he's done for. Poor little Tom.

Commercial break.

And we're back. Judges are getting better at saying no.

Michael Perotto burps when he's nervous. This should be fun. Singing Proud Mary. He's also dancing. Jenny from the block and Steven Tyler are having their own little dance off. Steven Tyler asked if he ate paint chips as a child. Michael ignores him and wants to know if it was all over the place. Lil bit. Steven Tyler tells him that "American Idol is looking for a higher standard." They are? When did that happen? I was unaware of this new development. Michael insists that he can give them a higher standard. Right now. And he means it. He sings a song about having good posture and making eye contact and the judges still tell him it's terrible. Steven Tyler says, "What we have here is a failure to communicate." Michael insists that if he was terrible, people would tell him. I say no.

Ashley thinks she could be the first awkward Idol. She loves Britney Spears and wants her career to be just like Brit-Brit's. She's singing a song from "Thoroughly Modern Millie." She does not suck. In fact, I enjoy this 100% more than I ever possibly anticipated. The judges are perplexed and want her to be on Broadway. Ashley thinks pop and Liza Minelli should mate. Ashley Sullivan is now rapping and begging. She is a hot mess but I love her. And she's in. Randy thinks Jenny from the block and Steven Tyler are both insane. I have to say I agree. But I'm excited for her to be on the show longer.

Ashley claims she may throw up and wants to thank her Mommy for watching her dogs.

Victoria Huggins has an extremely annoying speaking voice. She sounds a bit like Kellie Pickler and Minnie Mouse combined. Her singing voice is not any less annoying. And she appears to be having a seizure. I'm not trying to be mean, but she was just really erratic. AHHHH!!!!! I finally figured it out. She's Miley Cyrus. But not the real Miley Cyrus. The Miley Cyrus from SNL. There are too many things happening in this audition. Jenny from the block compliments the skirt and Steven Tyler pairs that with, "It shows just enough." Uh...Hey Steven Tyler, she's 16. Calm it down there, buddy. Then, with tears in her eyes, Miley looks at Randy and says "Yo, yo dawg." Ok, even I have to admit that was pretty cute. She also sounds like Prissy from Gone With the Wind. She made it.

Melinda Ademi is from Kosovo. They came to America as war refugees and they love America. We need more people like this in America. Nice voice. A bit copycat. Judges love her. She's in.

How is it that I've never seen the shampoo commercial with Jenny from the block before tonight? Oh, American Idol, your predictability is shameful.

Day 2 in Jersey.

Devyn Rush. She's a singing waitress and I want to go to that restaurant. She's singing God Bless the Child. I love her voice. That scatting?! Ridiculous! Steven Tyler tells her it was delicious. Jenny from the block is surprised. Dawg thinks she should wear something else. Dawg? What? Who cares what she wears? I will say it now. She is making it to the American Idol stage. Like where we all get to vote. And I will vote for her. Steven Tyler wants to take her clothes shopping.

Jimmy Kennedy. Wow. No words. Did love the dropped "ohhhh" at the end.

That was just mean. The judges totally sang over a contestant and then told her no.

Wow there are a lot of commercials.

Yoji Pop is not sure who he is. He has been imitating Michael Jackson since he was in the womb. But he doesn't want to show them. He hates the song "Party in the USA". So naturally, he is going to sing it. He sings it. And then he bursts into Michael Jackson dancing. The dancing is better than the singing. And the dancing is not great. He's very apathetic about the whole thing, really. Jenny from the block loves it. But we all know she has terrible judgment.

Now many people are singing that song. Why? I have no idea. Ryan asks Yoji Pop if he's a Miley Cyrus fan. Yoji Pop: "Not really." Don't introduce him to Prissy Huggins or whatever her name was.

Montage of terrible auditions. Wow, there are some terrible people. Jenny from the block even plugged her ears.

Brielle Von Hugel's Dad had throat cancer and she helped him through it. I'm not sure how. She's singing "Endless Love." She's reminding me of Lily whatever from last season with the flower in her hair. Her voice is just a'ight. She's through to Hollywood.

People crying.

Travis Orlando has a twin. He grew up in the Bronx. And he obviously makes it because AI went to the Bronx. Travis lived in a shelter because his Dad was sick. He's singing "Eleanor Rigby." There are parts that I love and parts that I don't. "I'm Yours" Jason Mraz...MUCH better. He's very awkward and cute, but really good. I like him. Randy says yes. Steven Tyler says he sings beautiful and he's going to Hollywood. His Mom (?) and twin brother are hugging him. So sweet!

I guess it was typical American Idol. The crying. The begging. The terribleness. The crazy judges. We'll see how this pans out.

Tomorrow...New Orleans.











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