American Idol Auditions: NOLA

Welcome to New Orleans. Home of the Saints and Mardi Gras. And gumbo. Oh! And Adam Sandler's character from "The Waterboy!" That's it, right? In all honesty, I would like to visit there someday.

We start out with a young man screaming the lyrics to "Smile" and the television captioning tells me he did not make it to Hollywood. Shocking.

Ryan is trying to speak Creole. When that doesn't work, he just morphs into speaking Spanish, which should be a prerequisite for anyone who lives in SoCal.

The judges are all set and ready to go except for Steven Tyler who is constantly falling out of his chair. Jenny from the block claims that it's because "they" always give him the bad chair. Aww, that's sweet Jenny, you just stay in denial about Steven Tyler's drug problem.

I would like to take this opportunity to state, that for some unknown reason I am unable to refer to Steven Tyler as anything other than Steven Tyler. "Steven" just doesn't work. And "Mr. Tyler" connotes maturity. So, until I come up with a punchy name for him, Steven Tyler it shall remain. Also, I refuse to refer to Jenny from the block as anything other than Jenny from the block. I may call her J-Lo, but we'll have to wait and see.

Jordan Dorsey teaches piano and voice. Those piano teachers are mean, from what I hear...his little student is A.DOR.A.BLE. Ohhhh....Jordan's Mom just burrrrned Ryan Seacrest for being short. Love.

Jordan is going to sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." Somebody kill me immediately.

Wait.

That was amazing. His voice is silky smooth and he changed that song so I don't hate it as much as I normally do. Jenny from the block stops him because she has goosebumps all over her body. Uh. TMI. The judges don't even comment they just count to 3 and simultaneously say yes.

Are we really going to have a commercial after each contestant? 'Cause that's just not gonna work for me, yo dawg.

Montage of terrible auditions.

Sarah Sellers. Steven Tyler wants to know where she got her lips. He's worried that they are bigger than his. Randy insinuates something not so nice about Sarah's family tree. She's singing "Make You Feel My Love." She has a surprisingly nice voice. Steven Tyler says she won him from the moment she laid eyes on him. Alrighty, then. All the judges say yes. And Sarah is in.

Jovany Barretto builds boats and has a supportive family. He's also all ferklempt over Jenny from the block. Oh wait, no, he's all ferklempt over Marc Anthony...He's singing in Spanish. Get him outta here. They all say yes. And now Jovany, Steven Tyler, and the Dawg are flashing Jenny from the block. And they didn't get any beads....how rude.

Fun facts about Louisiana. Don't care.

Randy's football coach's niece is auditioning. They're schmoozing. Shut up and sing!

Jacquelyn Dupree (coach's niece)..."I'll Stand by You", lots of power in her voice. But I don't love the tone. Kind of nasally. But she looks like a model so she's through. Sigh.

Brett Loewenstern has crazy girl hair. He's an outcast and has no friends. :( His parents do not look anything like him. That's weird. He has come to the realization that he should be happy with himself, his phrase is "I've got this." Sounds oddly like "Yes we can!" He's really crazy. He's singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" Jenny from the block and Steven Tyler are having a moment. At this point, I need to ask if I have no soul. Because the judges are about to wet themselves over this guy's voice and I think it was flat and rather annoying. I MISS SIMON. He's through.

Mick Jagger is auditioning for American Idol? Well, he will if he can manage to put his nametag on. Randy thinks he looks like Steven Tyler. Steven Tyler thinks he has Mick's mouth, which he knows well. I don't know whether to be more appalled that I think like Steven Tyler, or that Steven Tyler has examined Mick Jagger's mouth. Mick Jagger is going to sing "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga. You know the one that has a bunch of nonsense syllables and is a major hit? Oy. By the way, Mick Jagger's name is Gabriel Franks. And he's being possessed by something gross while he sings. They all say no.

Speaking of possession...montage of horrible auditions.

Alex Attardo just singlehandedly murdered CCR's "Proud Mary" by changing keys 100 times. And he went to Idol Camp. I'm going to go with, DON'T SEND PEOPLE TO IDOL CAMP. Randy even says maybe they should cancel the camp. Finally, Randy is being mean! :)

Jacee Badeau is 15 and is a sweet.heart. He's singing "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay." And he sings like an angel. Eat your heart out, Justin Bieber. I love this kid. I love this kid a lot. The judges love him. Send him through.

Paris Tassin has a sweet little baby girl who had hydrocephalus and has hearing loss. She is singing "Temporary Home." This song makes me cry normally. And this is no exception. Jenny from the block cried too. She's through. She's gonna rock.

Next week, Milwaukee.